What have I done to me sen?

Its a month today since I took a leap of faith and set this page up, it cost about £80 for year, I didn’t have a Scooby Doo what I was thinking, but hey 22 post in AND I have made a NEW start on the book ‘Blood is thicker than Alcohol’ NOW THAT was my overall objective, to build up my confidence to write. So for you small chosen few who I have allowed, trusted to ready my SHIT, thank you…


I’ve now stopped counting the days I have gone without having a drink, my alcohol experiment started on 15th of June, so ‘you can work it out’ cos I cant be arsed…

Day 35, I hd a drink, I didn’t go mad per say, but “fuck me “the headache / hangover the following day was fucking horrendous. Now don’t get me wrong, did I regret going out? ‘NO’, did I regret drinking?  ‘FUCK ME YES’.

I’d decided last Friday I would have a day off. By ‘having a day off‘ what I actually meant was a break from writing etc.

I have just been re-reading my journal from day one, and my alcohol free journey, has actually been a positive one, yes there have been times where I doubted myself, but on the whole, I have:

  • Felt alot happier within myself 
  • Been more positve
  • Been more productive
  • Felt more content
  • Have spent time on me, my morning runs, writing in my journal, writing on here
  • Been less likely to over react to external situations
  • Been alot more laid back, relaxed
  • Been less hard on myself
  • I’ve written loads and load’s
  • Ive listened to myself, really listened to myself
  • I’ve Indulged myself, by that I mean I have started doing more of what ‘I wanted and less of what others might have wanted or expected of me.’ I know this has come across to others as being selfish – BUT,  I have started to learn to let go of what others think, because quite frankly at 48 years old, ‘My’ self esteem is more in-fucking-portant.

So up to know there has been  loads more positives and alot less negatives, everything was tickety boo, then…. Friday, just gone,  I went out on a works do, with the intention of not drinking, and just have a few alcohol free drinks. But during the evening we moved on to a different pub and on way there I had already decided I was going to have a couple of pints, “that won’t hurt”

One pint in, I took my time tried a bit of ‘mindful drinking‘. All ok…  then the next drink, I started to feel a dull headache come on, ‘similar to the one like I had ALL fucking day the previous week’ and I was like, ‘right, I’m off after this’. 

Now again, don’t get me wrong, I had, had a GREAT night and good laugh, but the thought of feeling shit the next day, really put me off and I had alot to do. So I said my goodbyes, much to the amazement of me mates, ‘cos, I’m normally the one egging them on to stay out and drink more, Fuck me I was the first to leave!’

Anyway, I got home, feeling pretty proud and happy with myself, cracked open another can of lager, followed by a non alcoholic one, took a paracetamol (Just as a precaution) and went to bed early.

Well as it turns out, “I may as well have just drank alcohol the whole  fucking night” and that paracetamol did ‘FUCK ALL’  because even just after those three drinks, I felt like I did the previous week, ‘well not as bad’ but the dull headache was there AGAIN all fucking day.

I actually said to myself and texted a couple of friends say “What the fuck have I done to me sen?”, “I cant drink anymore!” “Ive ruined me sen ffs!”. Even all day Sunday, I felt shit, then I got to thinking, I wonder if ‘Im coming down wi summat?’ – Sunday afternoon I decided to have a “tap at the key boards” as my old man has started to call it.  I hopped on the laptop and started on me journal, not long in, after off loading, I started to feel better about me sen. #Havingawordwimesen actually helped. I reckon, had I not #Hadaword I would have defo still been all negative and feeling down for the rest of the day.

I realised it is Sooo easy to get into a negative mindset and dreaded ‘Cycle of fucking doom’ AND I hate being like that, especially after the last few positve weeks I’ve had. So what have I learned?

  • I’m due to go to a family wedding this Sunday – And I ain’t drinking – ‘its just not worth it.’
  • I woke up this morning and after doing me morning run, I felt like I was getting back to me old sen and back on track, so those negative bits don’t have to last long
  • I’m loving the new me, I am happier, every though I still have bad days, I’m more rational and calmer than I have ever been.
  • I feel alot more optimistic and trust that where ever this writing malarkey take’s me, at least its better than where I have been for the past few years.
  • Work is less stressful, I turn up, do what I can and thats it – I aint got time for burning me sen out for no job! but also with this new attitude, there is also a renewed sense of productivity and I’m enjoying work more

So there may be less of these post, as I am now on chapter 2, the book is going ace, but before I go, a word of advice to you ladies out there… and its just an observation.

If your going to used the communal toilets and need a crap, places some bog roll down first. By doing this, you reduce the dreaded “plopping” sound. And you don’t have to hide in the bog for hours after to make sure no one realises its YOU, we all CRAP tha knows

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Fuck off

Well did not want to go for that morning run this morning, alarm was set for 5.30, 2, 10 minute snoozes later and arguing I get me sen outta bed, I didn’t #haveaword I had a full blown fucking argument “wi me sen” .

When I’m feeling sorry for me sen, our old man calls me ‘Mardy Fardy’ this morning I wa like jackal and fucking Hyde. Mardy Fardy vs reasonable Fardy – trust me I’m still not sure who won, or whose winning.

So that serene, time to think run JOG, WALK went a little like this

Laid in bed

Oh fuck off, I’m knackered 

Once you’re up, you’ll feel more awake

Christ I could sleep for another few hours

It will be your period! and you stayed up later last night!

Ok, so if I’m tired, have a day off, I don’t have to go out every morning 

Yes but you didn’t go out yesterday, and you know what its like, that slippery slope, once you skip 1,2,3 its all down hill

Even if you went back to sleep, you would still feel tired an hour later so you may as well get up!

Fuck it get up

Go for a piss, get dressed, go down stairs i’m still sulking

Im defo not feeling it yet?

Just shut it, get ya top on and take thee tablets, and plenty of water ya piss looked like orange juice this morning 

What the fuck is that all about, apart from the drink last Saturday, I haven’t had any alcohol, so shouldn’t be THAT dehydrated 

Well apparently everyone’s piss is like that in a morning

Get ya earphones in, get some music on that will make you feel better 

GREAT wheres me fucking earphones?

Bag

Make a coffee for when  you get back

Great where are me fucking ear phones nahhhh

This is when i’m looking for earphones, which I only had in my hands 2 seconds before 

Why are they in the fucking draw?

Does it matter? 

Music on, trainers on, walk out of the door – still got face on

Still not feeling it 

Just walk then! walk all of it if you want? Just do something

Fucking hate periods

Every fucking month, swollen tits, stomach cramps, blood fucking everywhere, its ‘like giving birth to satin’ as our Lauren would say, and fucking men moan when they are ill, try feeling shit EVERY MONTH

Right, your on ya period, get over it, and just keep walking 

Well im not running, yet, in fact im not starting until I get to top of the hill

Walk then, you could just do a mile, do a shorter one this morning 

Yeh but then I’ll be doing that all the time 

Do the normal run then!

I start to run

I wonder if that young lad and his mother will be at the bus stop this morning? If they are should I stop and ask him, where he’s going? Like I said I would last time I was out? 

Nah fuck that, not in fucking mood this morning, just smile and say good morning 

They are not there 

Good 

This song is shit

Flick to next one then

Click on me earphones and inadvertently turned music AND earphones off

For fucks sake

Just switch it back on

Yeh but now I’ve had to stop running 

Just do it, and run

Ok this song is better 

What the fuck is wrong with me this morning?

Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, everyone has bad days including YOU, this is one of them, but it will pass

I ought to write about this, this morning

Yeh well, you don’t have to, juts take it easy, do your run, get back have a coffee and a vape and you can chill, if you want to write you can, stop over thinking things, what will be will be for crying out load 

See a guy coming towards me, walking with summit strapped around his knee’s, clearly out for a run, but not yet running 

Mmmm he’s dressed for it, he looks the part, but not running is he!

Neither were you, ffs, he’s probably warming up like ‘YOU DO’ and your hardly fucking Zola Bud this morning!

Ok so feeling a little better, christ whats up with me today?

Does anything have to be up?

Yeh but I hate feeling crap, been feeling great lately, I’ve not done anything different?

You might not have, but does it matter? You feeling crap, everyone has bad days, it will get better

What if it doesn’t 

It will, trust yourself, 

She’s here, her, the ignorant one, I wonder if she will smile or acknowledge me today?

Well if she said anything you wouldn’t be able to hear her, and you can hardly see her she’s that far away

Lady is getting closer, still a little far away, she looks up

Hi, I’m waving, giving her purpose smile

What ya done that for? 

Cos I fucking wanted to make a point and wave this morning, instead of doing the passive, eye nod, if she cant say good morning, then I fucking sure can!

Feel better 

Nope 

Nearly home

Feeling better?

Nope tits are still hurting 

Im turning running app off, bet I’ve only done about 16 MPM this morning? 

Fuck it I don’t care

Oh shut the fuck up, go inside and off load this fowl mood

Ohh I like this song, is it M people?

Yes 

Right, get ya coffee go straight upstairs and write 

So here I am AND that’s the shortened version, TRUST ME you would be here all day, in fact I’ll probably fall out wi me sen again, later today. Now done two chapters of the book, now time to focus on Chapter 3 – Early childhood memories. But first I need to get me MARDY Sorry ASS into work.

If you are reading this today I hope your having a better day than me

I don’t really 

I do honest  

Love Fordy xx

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Being a parent is tough

 

No morning run today, straight into writing about ‘Blood is Thicker than Alcohol’ and to be honest, its easier to rant on here than it is to reflect back and write a story.

Seriously this writing malarky is FUCKING hard work. But wanted to share my thoughts on parenthood. Because, quite frankly we all as parents do our very best, theres no handbook, sometimes we will never know how our actions at the time, might have a profound effect on our kids at a later date in life.

After all I  know some of Dads actions did, but at the time he wouldn’t have had a ‘Scooby doo’ (clue). The same goes for mom, but hey as parents none of us do… And thats totally unavoidable, folks, believe it or not ‘none of us are perfect’. all we can do, is do our best ‘at that time’

Its not nice to hear from my own kids, when they tell me about a time growing up where I might have said or done something, that made them feel, not nice about themselves, insecure or not loved.

But I try not to lose any sleep over it, ‘it hurts’ don’t get me wrong, and I don’t like to hear it and it wasn’t done intentionally. In fact  I don’t believe ANY parent sets out to intentionally hurt their kids.

Well, there are some that would, those who don’t fucking deserve to have kids! There are some (a minority) who will put their own emotional and material needs before ANYONE, including their own kids, Now that my friends I have zero sympathy for those fuckers. – I digress

Being an adult and dealing with life, is hard most of the time, we all have responsibilities that we ‘have’ to deal with, whether we like or not! we all struggle to like ourselves at times, and thats just us! Now throw one or a couple of kids into the mix, fuck me your not just responsible for your own feelings, you a duty and responsibly to ensure your kids are ok and will do anything to make sure they turn out to be less emotionally fucked up than you are….AND before you start, we ALL have our flaws, if you think your perfect, then you are deluded – in my humble opinion anyway 

Well thats it, I have finished chapter 1 of the book (for now), ive offloaded me thoughts on here, now I need to get me sorry ass off to work and earn some dough

Please feel free to leave any thoughts or comments below

Love Fordy x

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Bring Back Communism

Ok, Ok, ok, ok, OK. I know that we ever had it in here, but I kinda wish they would, well some of the principles of of it, not all of it, of course, like society today there are good and bad parts. 

The Cambridge dictionaries definition of Commusism  is “the belief in a society without different social classes in which the methods of production are owned and controlled by all its members and everyone works as much as they can and receives what they need”. 

A society where everyone was equal and there was none of “them and us”  Where everyone had the same, resources, essentials that they needed to survive. Thus removing this sense of entitlement that ‘I” (and I can only speak for myself here) see so much of in society now a days. Materialism has taken over on a mass scale, the Cambridge definition of materialism is “the belief that having money and possessions is the most important thing in life“. 

But, there IS MORE TO LIFE THAN WHAT YOU POSSESS. In the pursuit of “keeping up with the Joneses”. There is this misconception that ‘money can buy you happiness?’ “what the fuck is that all about? (thats what society lends us to believe) OR “If I had this, or had that life would be so much easier?”

Now you can even pay someone to fix you emotionally,  “I know, I’ll go pay someone to fix me”, we see more and more people going to rehab, but its not just for addictions anymore.

Rehab is now seen as a place where you can go for a break! People actually pay fucking thousands for this, when reality is that all you are paying for is a space to hide yourself from reality for a bit, but YOU still gotta do the work, go and #haveawordwitheesen then ya get ya sorry ass back out into society and try again. 

Despite what social media says, “life doesn’t have to be that hard” and there are a lot of people who”get this” but they are normally the ones who have been through some personal life trauma, those whose lives have taken them to “hell and back”. The loss of a loved one, the loss of themselves, relationship breakdown, domestic abuse, addiction, mental health.

The guys who “get this” are the ones who have had to face their ‘EMOTIONS’ not hide behind them because they don’t like the feel of them, or they are scared of hurting someone else emotions.

The people you see around you who appear happy, content with themselves are those who are least likely to measure their  life’s happiness by what they have got, but on how they feel about themselves. Don’t be deceived, money or success DOES NOT BUY YOU HAPPINESS, FACT! 

You only have to look round you to see this. Does it really matter what you have got or achieved in life? Everyone has the ability to be happy and content, regardless of wealth or status. The bottom line is if you strip away all the materialism bullshit, all anyone has is themselves and their loved ones. There is only YOU who can attain happiness.

I have been there, trust me, in my book ‘Blood is thicker than alcohol’ the majority of me feeling lost and isolated in my younger years came from societies expectations of who I thought I should be.

  • I tried wearing makeup, because ‘cos thats what girls do’ and looked a reet TWAT.
  • I dressed like a boy, because I related more to lads and didn’t like skirts, then got accused of ‘being a lesbian’
  • if I questioned anything at school I was labeled ‘a trouble maker’ to be fair I was ‘a little fucker’
  • I would never tell anyone how I really felt, because I would be labeled as ‘being weak’

Whilst I have some amazing memories from my youth, I also have a lot of sad memories, I didn’t know who I was? I didn’t like how I felt about myself? I didn’t have a fucking clue.  I had to work it out for me sen by #havingawordwimesen, I love that quote, cant you tell….. because quite simply “its fucking true….” There is no rule book growing up, we work wi what we got!

Getting to ‘know me’ at 21 years of age wasn’t out of choice neither, and it wasn’t nice, it was the external factors and environment at the time that forced me to reflect on all the above.

And its not hard to start searching for happiness, all you have to do is ask yourself?

How do you measure your happiness? 

  • Would you be happier with more money
  • Would you be happier if you had more friends?
  • Would you be happier if you had a car, house, or well paid job?
  • Would you be happier if you were in an intimate relationship?

If your happiness relies or is based on any or all of the above, you are potentially screwed, because quite frankly my friends, any of these can be taken away from anyone of us in a nano second. And there is potentially NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Many people hold onto the limiting beliefs that if they ‘Only I just had any or all of the above’ they will be happy, but its crap.

Take toddlers or young kids they are more than happy with a few toys, ‘or the box they came in’. As long as they feel loved, warm, fed and basically, have ALL their basic needs met, they are happy Arn’t they?

They have very little limiting beliefs, or fears because they don’t know any different, its all learned behaviour. Then they grow up and are exposed to temptation and the misconception that if they have the latest gadget ‘they will be accepted’ by society, because lets face it, if a kids ain’t wearing the latest trainers, they are fucking social lepers!.  Them emotions hurt, them feelings hurt, but rather than deal with those feelings, people are more inclined to pursue all those material items, change themselves, try to change how they think the worlds views them, just to fit in. And some people  will do anything if it makes them’Feel’ better about themselves.

Society is FUCKED up, BUT only if you buy into the BULLSHIT everyone is fed.

BUT and heres the BUT…

If you could start to measure your happiness focusing on what you already have, starting with YOU, your health, your mental health, your physical health, doing things for YOU, that make YOU happy.

Start listen to YOUR own feelings, YOUR own emotions, learning to understand YOUR emotions, because even though them emotions can be a biatch and they can physically hurt, They don’t ever go away…

You can try suppressing them all you fucking want, but I can guarantee they are there, lurking ready to raise their ugly head again, when you are least expecting it. People really do underestimate how much emotions and feelings drive us, if you understood this, trusted this, then you would be more likely to feel alot better about you and who you are.


There really is no need to ‘Bring back Communism’ but there is a need to get people to start questioning their values, questioning and learning to understand what limiting beliefs they carry around with them.

Start to understand that underneath all the materialistic bullshit, we are ALL fundamentally the same.

Start  by having relationship with ourselves.  Because if more people understood this, then I would be happy to bet, that they/ YOU would be a lot happier – AND GUESS WHAT, Its FREE

Right RANT over with, but I’ll tell ya now! don’t expect me or anyone else to do it for ya, COS I CAN’T and WON’T.  But I can and will offer some guidance, its your choice, you can take it or leave it, some might be utter bullshit, (I don’t care) you just take what YOU need from it.


Recommendation

Although these are not free, there are a couple of books that I would highly recommend you read, that could help you on your journey to start learning and listening to yourself.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – By Susan Jeffers, I read this many years ago and will often go back and re-read again.

I love love love The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck – Mark Manson, its is currently only available on Kindle, the book isn’t out until 2019

 

 

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Nothing to say

Well after breaking my 35 day alcohol free experiment this Saturday, its fair to say, the consequences were pretty dire Sunday, morning, afternoon AND evening. “How the fuck did i do this EVERY weekend?” 

Now don’t get me wrong, i knew that the likely hood of me going for me 6 am run Sunday morning was about as predictable as England winning the world cup. but i did not expect it to feel that bad.

Walking up, wi a gob like gandys flip flop (which to be fair, IS TOTALLY expected) but I swear some sadistic bastard somewhere had got a voodoo doll of me, and wa sticking fucking needles in me head. 4 Ibuprofen and 6 paracetamol later, the headache was still hanging around until i went to bed at 10pm.  I ate every greasy, unhealthy food stuff in reaching distance, I sat and pretended to watch mind numbing TV, i did nothing, and i mean nothing, even if I had wanted to, i wouldn’t have had the energy, i was totally and utterly spent.

This morning run, well it wasn’t even a fucking run! my belly was more swollen than usual, i didn’t have the usual empty Kangaroo pouch bouncing around, it felt like i was carrying fucking twins. My skin still looks dull as fuck, I’m still feeling slightly lethargic,  BUT what i do know is, that this feeling WILL PASS.

On the plus side, i had one of the best days out in a long time, i bumped into people i hadn’t seen for ages, i was in great company, the weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold, the music and atmosphere was mint, was it worth the dire hangover yesterday? I’d say YES, but, and here is the but…

I learned something from it, for the past few weeks whilst i have been alcohol free, what iv’e gained personally far out weighs the consequences of drinking. Now that’s not me saying “i’m not drinking ever again”, far from it, but i DO HAVE CHOICES. If i have the time the day after drinking to mong out all day and be of absolutely no used to anyone, especially me sen, then so be it. However, if i haven’t got the time or feel like dealing with a raging hangover the following day then i will simply abstain – SIMPLE

I could have sat and mourned the one day out of my life that i lost, which for the record would have only served to depress myself even more OR i could (which i did) take the hangover on the chin, (although there was quite a bit of moaning going on) and accept that it was self inflicted, no one forced me to drink, quite the opposite, i was ready to test me sen and oh, fucking boy did I?

So test outta the way, i am looking forward to getting back to feeling me old send again, back to me morning runs, early morning writing, which my friends is going very well

 

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Run Fordy, Run……

My morning run, takes me on average 25 minutes, the round route is approx. Between 1.98-1.99 miles, (trust me that o.1 counts)  and I normally average between 13-14 minute per mile. I am currently getting 4 runs in per week, alarm on for 5.45am, (but I’m more often than not stirring already). My morning routine, consist of having a piss, which is normally dark orange ffs, Question, ‘Is that normal, considering I haven’t drank alcohol for over a month?’ – advice greatly appreciated in the comments box below… 

My old man, Pat, ’I think’ thinks im having a mid life crisis, running first thing, then getting back and tapping away on the keyboard, before work! Fuck me, if I’d been up early previously, he’d have been saying “has tha shit bed?” On account for me being known for liking me sleep, I’m also affectionally known as the “bed slug”, hence why pats affectionately called “Pat the Twat”. (I digress) 

So I put me running gear on, its the same outfit for the whole week, same pants, leggings and t-shirt. ‘Yes call me a scruffy git, but at least im not a lazy scruffy git!’ There are actually some benefits to doing this!  a) it cuts down on washing, b) I don’t have to piss about the night before and c) I can just pick them up get dressed and go, plus not fucker smells me !

Next is taking me tablets, theres me, Hay fever tablets, Vitamin D (apparently its good for bone strength, and I need it at my age, cos I aint getting any fucking younger) then my trusty Prozac, which I have been taking for the past 20+ years, 20ml per day for PMT, because trust me, without them once a month I turned into David Banner (The incredible Hulk). More recently this has been upped to 40ml, because I am now Perimenopausal , ‘this growing old malarky, is no fucking joke, is it?’ These are washed down, with plenty of water to also aid turning me piss clear again. Earphone’s in, Spotify on, trainers on (yes same socks all week too), run keeper on, then I’m off and outta the door for 6am.

This mornings run took 30.44 minutes, did 1.98 miles at a pace of 15.30 per mile a bit longer, but im going to explain why…

In addition to helping clear me fucked up head, me morning run is the only time of the day for ‘ME’ no one else benefits, just ‘ME’ I can go at ‘MY’ own pace, listen to what ever music ‘I’ want to, I can run were ‘I’ want, I can chose how far ‘I’ want, its all about ‘ME’. 

I don’t start off running straight away, (like I did when training for the half marathon earlier this year) I start out with a steady walk to the top of me road, loosen up (thats my excuse) then I’m off, like Forrest Gump, Zola Bud, Usain Bolt, Paula Radcliffe, you see I can be anyone ‘I’ want when im out running, AND I’m not the only one! There are a couple of others (regulars)  normally going a lot faster than me, but I don’t care, because this isn’t a race for me, its about having some me time.

This mornings run, was amazing and left me smile for the whole run, I still smiling now as I write this, its left me with a happy feeling, that will probably stay with me ALL day. So, I as I reach the brow of the hill and start to descend theres always a couple of people stood at the same bus stop, the same time, every time I go out. 

The lady is older, and I would take an educated guess and suggest she is the mother. The guy, younger, in his 2o’s I’d guess, is always stood there with a long white guide stick, one of them with balls on the end. He wears dark glasses so I never knew if he was partially or totally blind. But this morning, as I approached, I treated them, with me usual ‘Morning!’ And the guys said, “excuse me, how far do you run?”I explained “either 1.98 or 1.99 miles”, “Wow, where do you run from?” I explained my route, he was then like “why?” His mother at this point interjected and said “stop with all the questions” I was like “its ok” I turned to him and explained that it sorted me head out before going to work. He said “why what do you do” well I wasn’t going to go into too much detail, we’d have been there all day! “I work with drug users and alcoholics”, he smiled and said “go on then, run you need it I guess” or parted wishing them a good day and trotted off. 

As I started jogging again, I thought to myself ‘I’m going to ask him next time I see, him, where he is off too at this godly hour a morning’ . Now I don’t know this guy from adam, he obviously also had some learning difficulties, but that didn’t stop him enquiring. You see there is another lady I often see towards the end of my morning run, I often see her near the local frechi pond. She isn’t running, but she is walking, walking at a fast pace, swinging her arms with a determined look on her face.

 I always try and catch her eye to ‘try’ and say good morning, but her eyes never meet mine, although I know she see’s me, cos she aint got no walking stick. I don’t know anything about her, all I know is that she’s out the same time as me, I see her every time I go for a run, so thats four times a week. 

All I can do is make some educated guesses, and I say ‘educated guesses’, because that all I can do, so I am guessing…

She comes out early, because there are less people around, less people like me for example who might judge her for being over weight. Not that I am judging her, far from it, one of the main reasons I go out 1st thing, as well as the benefits I mentioned earlier, is that theres not many people around, so that means less people to see me wobbly ass or kangaroo pouch bouncing around. 

She never smiles or acknowledges me, because she might be thinking ‘here she is, that runner, showing off again, smug cow’. Yes, that’s what I am assuming, because thats what I have thought before, when I have seen people going faster than me, or looking leaner than me, I’ve been there thinking, ‘ahh its alright for you, you don’t really need to be out here running, ya skinny bastard’ I now however realised that the reason they are probably thinner, leaner than me is because they get their sorry purt assess outta bed and do some exercise every morning and I bet they don’t have a kebab on a weekend either? I bet they eat that, Quinoa shit and are vegan! “See I can still be a judgmental biatch”

Anyway, every time I see her, she never smiles, nor makes eye contact, and I wish she would, because I am not judging her, she might not even think I am? But I kind get the feeling she is. This morning though, i’m sure she cracked a small smile, I’m sure of it. There wasn’t any real eye contact, but it was an acknowledgement! ‘what she will never know is, that little smile, made my day today’ 

I would love to make eye contact so I could smile at her, or wish her good morning. I wish I could be as brave as the young lad this morning, to have the courage to make an effort and ask a complete stranger why they ran! 

The next time I see the young chap, I am going to stop and say my usual good morning, but then I am going to asking “so where are you off too these early mornings then?”. The next time I see this lady, I am going to continue in my effort to get her to make full on eye contact and see if she will reciprocate with a “good morning” too. 

Now, its 8.21 am, I’m getting picked up at 9.15, so I had better get me sorry ass weshed, and I need it, after wearing same clothes for a week, and yes i’m still sat in me running gear! But quite frankly ‘I don’t give any fucks’ because today, will go well, regardless of what shit work throws at me, all because that lad had the courage to take an interest and because I got a slight smile for the nameless woman AND I got to take in these great views 

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I actually made a start!

Well this writing malarky is fucking hard graft!!  its no wonder its taken me soooo long to have a go at writing a book! I actually had an argument with the laptop last night, I proper ‘spat dummy out’ it was about 9pm, I’d been trying to figure out this bleeding subscription link on WordPress, I was getting online advice and it was still ‘fucking gobbledygook’ I was having a proper rant to me sen, I turned lap top off and stomped downstairs.

I was tempted too go and watch ‘Love Island’, YES I love love island, I reasoned it was the only thing on that would take me mind off trying to write.

I was there with all the negative affirming thoughts,”you can’t do it”, “its too hard, writing is for other people”, “your deluded, even some of the people around you look like you’ve grown two fucking heads, when you tell em, your having a break off the drink to concentrate on writing” there were more, trust me …….To say I was feeling pretty shit about myself would have been an understatement.

Actually, I was only downstairs for five minutes, when I started to #Haveawordwimesenlook just relax, you don’t need any more stimulation, go to bed,  tomorrow is a new day”, “your not going to get it right all the time” , “what you have to say will come”, “trust yourself“, “give yourself a fucking break, for crying out loud”, “don’t look at your phone, stay off social media” “just go to bed and try and relax” 

Guess what? this#Havingawordwimesen malarky is working! because, when I got back upstairs, I stared at the dead computer and thought to me sen, ‘right go to your journal and have an off load, then go to bed’. So I did, then guess what? it started to come.


I’d made a decision the day before to actually start and make an attempt at writing the book, my post yesterday, dedicated to dad, was a start. but I still didn’t have a Scooby do, how to start. Now,  whilst I have already written a few chapters over the years, I have decide to start again. And I am glad I am, because I’ve got a real opportunity here to spill me guts, I don’t care if anyone who reads it, doesn’t get it? fuck em? this is about me. One day in years to come, I will have left at least left something of me, for any future great, great grandkids, who will never get to meet me, but they can get a good understanding how fucking whappy their great, great grandma was… and probably understand how they take after me. (sat here smirking to me sen) 

Do I start with the introduction? or do I just get straight into my story? Again, I could feel me sen getting wound up again, then I realised I’d previously made some notes about ‘why I wanted to write the fucking book’ I reasoned with myself that I would just type these up as a start and just take it from there, finish writing (at least I would have done something) then come back and look at it again today.

So I did and I am, I have to say, ‘I am pretty impressed wi me sen‘ – feeling better, I finally got me sorry ass into bed.


It’s 7.05am, Wednesday 18th July, I’ve already been for me morning run,Mick I had one of them moments” I was doing me gentle jog, when Kyle Minogue came on Spotify. “Better the Devil you know” for those who wasn’t there, this was played at dads funeral. I remember people’s faces in the room, they were like “what the fuck! Kyle Minogue?” whats that all about?. But what they didn’t know was that dad, loved Kyle…

‘Well he liked her ass in them gold hot pants’ He’d once asked me to get him Kyle’s CD, which I did, then the day after, he was like “it doesn’t even fucking work!” I was like dad it does, look… I went to CD and turned it on.

Its was sooo funny, because dad was like “Nah I don’t want to listen to her, I wanted to watch that video with her in hot pants” Bleeding typical, he wanted a DVD so he could watch her pert ass, not listen to the song, for fucks sake….

So back to this morning and the Kyle song, after dad passed, me and my sister were sat in my living room (I can still see us now) trying to choose a song for the funeral. It was soo hard, I mean how the hell do you chose a song that tells a story about your relationship, a song that says a final good bye?  but then Kyle “Better the Devil you know” came on.

We sat and listened and ironically that Kyle song resonated with us both, in fact I am listening to it now, it totally reminds me of dad and how both me and my sister felt about what we’d just been through. Which was fucking pure hell, I can tell ya! but it was also a reminder about his fuckin fixation on them hot pants, right to the end he was still a saucy fucker… which makes me smile.

But regardless, it was all worth it, at least we can say, it might have been 35 years too late, but at least we got to know him,  was it perfect? NO, would I have preferred to have got to know dad earlier? YES, but hey #shit happens, some times you just gotta live with it and make the most of what ya got.

Signing off, Fordys got her MOJO back (I will probably lose the fucker again, but hey, #Shithappens)

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Introducing Dad, Frank Thomas Ford

HI Guys – let me introduce you to me dad, Frank Thomas Ford, dad is the inspiration for the book i am writing ‘Blood is thicker than alcohol’ below is a poem, I wrote, before dad actually passed away.  It was written one night when i couldn’t sleep, through worry, off loading all my crap and feelings was one of my coping strategies at the time.

We had this printed in the obituary section in the Sheffield Star, (Cos that’s what people did back then, check out the obituary section daily to see who had snuffed it) I’ll tell ya what though, it nearly didn’t make it, after doing the word count the bill was about £250 fucking quid – robbing bar stewards. 

Thank god for social media, now a day’s you can tell every fucker for FREE!

Dad, Drink & Me 

33 but still a child

Both far too young to be contemplating death!

He’s only 54 looking more like 84

I’m 33 and know this subject well

Nether the less I’m still going through hell!

I just want it to end….

But the only options are death OR continue to pretend!

Too young to die and yet too young to care

But Alcohol has brought us both here

 

We have been here so many times before

And with each time it affects us both a little more

What does it take to make someone see….

That if he chose life over drink he’s got grandkids and ME!

 

Looks of pity and shame from those who knew him well!

The loss of independence, for a man who always knew what he wanted..

Too a man in his prime, locked inside a body far too old for his time!

So what’s he got now to look forward to?

Apart from regular visits from the hired home help, who have to assist him to the loo

 

And what about us? Who’ve always been there?

Left to cope with feeling of exhaustion and feelings of despair?

But walking away is impossible to do, because you are our dad and we can’t help but care…

 

I can truly see the temptation to drink

So I can drown my own sorrows and help stop me to think!

But I have followed your journey and seen where it ends

 

We all have choices and this one has been yours

And so, despite all the heartache and pain on your part and mine

I guess I’ll just have to console myself again…

 

Until the next time

 

RIP DAD

20.03.2004

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Insight into my journey so far

 

Morning guys

I hadn’t intended on doing a post on here this morning, because I have been working on #havingawordwimesen and writing in my personal journal. But then I started to read back to where this all started and thought I would / could share one of my very earliest journal entries with you.

Im doing this, just to highlight how ‘fucked’ up sometimes our heads can take us and I’m looking back laughing right now (though at the time I was pretty pissed off wi me sen, I can tell thee)

Tuesday 18th June 2018

I missed out on writing today, spent far too much time and energy on researching fucking non-alcoholic drinks and the sugar content. Whilst I haven’t had an AF beer since Saturday, Pat pointed out that there is more sugar in AF beer than normal Beer, still feeling pretty bloated from being over indulgent on holidays, I got fixated on trying to find the lowest sugar beer.

Plus it didn’t help that I had shared on the group facebook page that AF beers were my go to thing and some clever twat started saying ’ooo I stay away from them theres too many carbs and sugar in them’ then someone else says ’ooo be careful they could be a trigger?’

I drove myself practically mental, and stressed myself out until I realised that the average level of sugar per day is 30grams, and ok, so my fave beer has 3grams, thats not so bad. Plus I’m not going to wine after the beers like I previously did, and drinking beer I didn’t feel the desire to eat chocolate neither, sooooooo AND by being alcohol free I am allowing myself to relax and reflect clearly, take one day at a time and I’ve been so productive at work, without compromising myself, leaving some time left for me.

I had a word wi Mesen 

I have got that used to taking peoples views and opinions into consideration, that I lose sight of what I think and feels right. In fact I was happy until I actually listened to the fuckwits ! Well I am the fuckwit for actually listening, but hey I’m learning.

 

See its not just you …..

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What am I thinking?

 

  • Can you sometimes predict what someone is thinking and have been right
  • Can you sometimes predict how someone is feeling and have been right?
  • Can you sometimes predict a scenario that’s going to happen and have been right?
  • Have you ever predicted what someone was thinking, but was wrong?
  • Have you ever predicted how you think someone was feeling and been wrong?
  • Have you ever predicted a scenario that you thought would happen, but been wrong?

If you answered YES to any of the above, well i am sorry to piss on your bonfire, BUT i am….

The reality is,  we simply cannot ever always know, what someone is thinking, feeling or going to do? BUT we can predict what WE

  • Are feeling
  • Are thinking
  • Are planning to do

If we knew all this about everyone else we would all be fucking psychic right!

How can someone predict what someone else may or may not be thinking, feeling or going to do, when half the time the don’t know them fucking selves? Save all that psychic energy and use it on yourself….

#Haveawordwitheesen

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