Well this writing malarky is fucking hard graft!! its no wonder its taken me soooo long to have a go at writing a book! I actually had an argument with the laptop last night, I proper ‘spat dummy out’ it was about 9pm, I’d been trying to figure out this bleeding subscription link on WordPress, I was getting online advice and it was still ‘fucking gobbledygook’ I was having a proper rant to me sen, I turned lap top off and stomped downstairs.
I was tempted too go and watch ‘Love Island’, YES I love love island, I reasoned it was the only thing on that would take me mind off trying to write.
I was there with all the negative affirming thoughts,”you can’t do it”, “its too hard, writing is for other people”, “your deluded, even some of the people around you look like you’ve grown two fucking heads, when you tell em, your having a break off the drink to concentrate on writing” there were more, trust me …….To say I was feeling pretty shit about myself would have been an understatement.
Actually, I was only downstairs for five minutes, when I started to #Haveawordwimesen “look just relax, you don’t need any more stimulation, go to bed, tomorrow is a new day”, “your not going to get it right all the time” , “what you have to say will come”, “trust yourself“, “give yourself a fucking break, for crying out loud”, “don’t look at your phone, stay off social media” “just go to bed and try and relax”
Guess what? this#Havingawordwimesen malarky is working! because, when I got back upstairs, I stared at the dead computer and thought to me sen, ‘right go to your journal and have an off load, then go to bed’. So I did, then guess what? it started to come.
I’d made a decision the day before to actually start and make an attempt at writing the book, my post yesterday, dedicated to dad, was a start. but I still didn’t have a Scooby do, how to start. Now, whilst I have already written a few chapters over the years, I have decide to start again. And I am glad I am, because I’ve got a real opportunity here to spill me guts, I don’t care if anyone who reads it, doesn’t get it? fuck em? this is about me. One day in years to come, I will have left at least left something of me, for any future great, great grandkids, who will never get to meet me, but they can get a good understanding how fucking whappy their great, great grandma was… and probably understand how they take after me. (sat here smirking to me sen)
Do I start with the introduction? or do I just get straight into my story? Again, I could feel me sen getting wound up again, then I realised I’d previously made some notes about ‘why I wanted to write the fucking book’ I reasoned with myself that I would just type these up as a start and just take it from there, finish writing (at least I would have done something) then come back and look at it again today.
So I did and I am, I have to say, ‘I am pretty impressed wi me sen‘ – feeling better, I finally got me sorry ass into bed.
It’s 7.05am, Wednesday 18th July, I’ve already been for me morning run, “Mick I had one of them moments” I was doing me gentle jog, when Kyle Minogue came on Spotify. “Better the Devil you know” for those who wasn’t there, this was played at dads funeral. I remember people’s faces in the room, they were like “what the fuck! Kyle Minogue?” whats that all about?. But what they didn’t know was that dad, loved Kyle…
‘Well he liked her ass in them gold hot pants’ He’d once asked me to get him Kyle’s CD, which I did, then the day after, he was like “it doesn’t even fucking work!” I was like dad it does, look… I went to CD and turned it on.
Its was sooo funny, because dad was like “Nah I don’t want to listen to her, I wanted to watch that video with her in hot pants” Bleeding typical, he wanted a DVD so he could watch her pert ass, not listen to the song, for fucks sake….
So back to this morning and the Kyle song, after dad passed, me and my sister were sat in my living room (I can still see us now) trying to choose a song for the funeral. It was soo hard, I mean how the hell do you chose a song that tells a story about your relationship, a song that says a final good bye? but then Kyle “Better the Devil you know” came on.
We sat and listened and ironically that Kyle song resonated with us both, in fact I am listening to it now, it totally reminds me of dad and how both me and my sister felt about what we’d just been through. Which was fucking pure hell, I can tell ya! but it was also a reminder about his fuckin fixation on them hot pants, right to the end he was still a saucy fucker… which makes me smile.
But regardless, it was all worth it, at least we can say, it might have been 35 years too late, but at least we got to know him, was it perfect? NO, would I have preferred to have got to know dad earlier? YES, but hey #shit happens, some times you just gotta live with it and make the most of what ya got.
Signing off, Fordys got her MOJO back (I will probably lose the fucker again, but hey, #Shithappens)