Take a quick look back on your life, lets say go back to being around 16 years old or anytime during your teenage years. Now try to recall how you perceived the life you wanted for yourself at that time?
Was it a career?
Was it love?
Was it marriage?
Was it kids?
Was it a house?
Now I want you to take a moment to think about, where you are at now?
Did you get what you want? maybe you did? maybe you didn’t? maybe you had it and lost it?
I’m going to make a mystic meg prediction and suggest that, ‘Your life to date, didn’t pan out the way you had previously planned it to?’
I will also predict that ‘your journey from A to B hasn’t been an easy one, Right? ‘
I know I am right – Christ! I think I am fucking psychic !!
My own experience
To be honest, when I was younger (teenager) I didn’t have a fucking Scooby do what I wanted from life nor was i able to predict how I got to where I am now, I mean, I certainly would never have predicted
losing my virginity at 16, and getting pregnant straight after
Having my own home at 17, being responsible for a kid
Being at home every week end, whilst everyone around me was going out and ‘living life’
Getting addicted to speed
Caring for my alcoholic dad, was like watching a slow suicide
Oh trust me the list goes on, and on and on… there is plenty of CRAP that i had never factored in my life happening, but it did…
I know for a fact i never said “I hope that in the future I go through some real crappy shit, physical and emotional pain”. I mean who the fuck would wish that upon themselves?
Joking aside, because life isn’t a joke, life can be pretty shit, its perfectly normal not to want to feel shit. However, sometimes the shit ball rolls our way and we have no choice in the matter, we didn’t ask for the shit ball, but we got it. The good news is though, we do have a choice and options on how we deal with the shit ball we can either
Accept shit happens, be sad for a while then move on OR
Continue to moan about how the shit ball rolled your in your direction and continue to play football with the shit ball
Reality check folks
The reality is that most of the time, we cannot predict or control our future, if we could you would have sailed through life pain free and got everything you wanted, right?
I want you to think of a time in your life that was tough, emotionally, physically, mentally or financially painful = SHIT. At that time, I can take a pretty good guess and say ‘you felt at the time like your life was going to feel like SHIT forever?’
Now i’m guessing, you survived it? but at the time you didn’t think you would? but you did! Your a survivor
Remember just because you are having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month doesn’t that mean your going to have a bad life?
Life can be shit, but we DO have options either deal with it, or play football with it
I recall many years ago taking a Neuro-Linguistic Programming test, alternatively known as NLP. The training had been arranged by work, so all staff had to attend and to be honest at the time I was thinking ‘what a load of cod wallop’. But in fact, a light turned on inside me during that day, well I say ‘a light turned on’ its hard to describe, so let me ‘try to’ explain…
According to NLP, people generally experience the world via five senses — sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell, however each of us also have a preferred mode of perception, how we see, hear, feel and sense the world, our environment around us. There are three main modes of perception
Visual – Seeing
Auditory – Hearing
Kinaesthetic – Feelings
In the training room we were asked to take. short test, we were asked to go through a list of statements, but not to spend too much time thinking about the statements and tick the ones that we were drawn to.
I still recall the room, doing the test adding up my scores to find that my scores revield (I cannot remember what the percentages were but this gives you an idea below)
Visual = 15
Auditory = 10
Kinaesthetic = 75
The theory is that by y understanding your preferred perception (view on the world) you can better understand, how and why you act/react in life.
This helped (for me and I am not saying it will for you). But, this is when the ‘lightbulb went on’. My result was a real revelation for me, because its the first time in my life I recognised how much of an emotional person I really was.
Even though at the time of taking this test, I had been clean for over 12 months, I was still in early recovery, I was still learning about myself, trying to figure out what I wanted from life, who I was, who I wanted to be etc etc, FUCK ME IM STILL HERE TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT
So whilst on the surface, I may have appeared sorted, back in control, underneath there was always a feeling of uncertainty, self doubt, its always there folks, we all feel it from time to time, I don’t care who you are…
Not that anyone else’s could ever see it, but then how could they? all they had ever seen was someone, getting angry, frustrated, someone who mostly was unable to express herself and say how she really felt.
Feelings are a BIG deal, if you suppress them they WILL ALWAYS pop up again at a later date or time, trust me. Then what will happen is when you get upset/emotional the next time or something really pissed you off, presses your buttons, you will REALLY over-react, I mean really over-react!. I bet you have all done this at some point, then asked yourself “what the fuck is up with me?”
After the test I looked back and thought about who I was when I was admitted into ‘The Nuthouse’ I’ve mentioned in earlier post that I was broken and ‘I was‘ But in all honesty, I think what had happened is all my three modes of perception had snapped, they had stopped working.
I was just an empty shell. SO a major part of my recovery was mainly about rebuilding ‘me’ not the surface me, but the real me’. Not the Tracey, whose life had previously been dictated by what others and society expected, I’d literally, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, had had enough, I was like ‘STOP THE WORLD, IVE FUCKING HAD ENOUGH’. So when I say that being sectioned was the BEST thing that ever happened to me, I really mean it. I’m getting to my point be patient….
20 odd years ago my recovery wasn’t just about, not taking drugs anymore, for me, it was about finding out who “I was, what I wanted, it was time to get selfish and think about me for a change” being in hospital had allowed me to safely reflect back to my past journey, and try to make sense of where my life had taken me and more importantly “How the FUCK at 22 did I find myself sectioned” I was a mother of two young girls for crying out loud…
I did ALOT of reflection at the time and I mean a lot, I asked myself loads and loads of questions, I really did question myself …
Why did I think it was so important to please everyone else?
Why did I always feel a disappointment to others! – not meeting their expectations of who I should be or act, trying to be someone I wasn’t
Why despite everything I did, did I feel misunderstood?
Why had I dedicated my life around to trying to make everyone else around me feel happy?
Why did I hate letting anyone down! – always saying ‘yes’ when I really wanted to say ‘NO’
How come no-one knew or understood how unhappy I really was? – Now, this is the MAJOR one…
The bottom line was if I didn’t know the answers to the questions ? “how the fuck did I expect anyone else to know?” This was something that I had to work out myself.
So here I am 48 years old and 25 years later asking myself the same questions? Now don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near the person I was back in hospital all those years ago, I’m not having a mental breakdown, (I promise) I have a very good sense of self awareness, but I do think and feel that I have been getting by the past 15 years, just focusing on the surface stuff, I’ve lost touch with me! the real me?
Our personalities are made up of different layers, we are very complex human beings and I suppose I haven’t listened to me, the core of who I am for a long time and have basically started to #haveaword, touch base with me again.
There are a lot of things I still want to achieve in life, I’m not sure what they are yet? well I do, that dam fucking book, but there is more I can feel it, sense it.
I have a great partner, two great kids, grandson, a few amazing friends, who “get me” and the job I am very fortunate to enjoy, where I know I am making a difference. But even with all these things, which I am eternally thankful for, I haven’t really been true to me for a long time. But now is the time…
Four weeks ago, something clicked again, I felt like something was missing, I didn’t know what? I couldn’t see it, but I felt it. The saying is true “you cannot buy happiness” real happiness can only be achieved (in my humble opinion) by learning to take some responsibility and start asking yourself some questions, start thinking about
Practicing to accept the things you can change, but more importantly practice accepting the things you cant – a lot of things in life ARE out of our control.
Learn to truly accept and love yourself for who you are – instead of waiting for someone else to make you feel loved, start loving yourself, regardless of how you think YOU look -Trust me, no one is bothered, only YOU
Practice looking around you and be thank full for what you ‘have got‘ and stop focusing on ‘what you haven’t got’ and do you know what with this one? if you have got YOUR HEALTH you are very very lucky, because when your dead, your DEAD
If you have a roof over your head, be thankful, some people haven’t!
If you can only afford to buy the basic essentials, be thankful, some people cannot!
If you aren’t in a place you want to be, learn patience, work toward your goal if you don’t get there, it wasn’t mean to be, but at least you can say you tried?
Life is about taking RISK’s, we can either have a go and learn to manage and understand our fears & feelings that prevent us from taking a risk, OR we can stay exactly where we are.
And folks, this is exactly what I have been practicing myself, over the past four weeks…
Making time for ME
learning to accept that I will always have self-doubt, but I can learn to manage that self-doubt, learn to live with it
Learning to accept and ignore when people have questioned why I bought a desk? computer? why I have started writing? because it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as “I’m happy”
I’ve learned that the happier I am with myself the happier people around me are
I feel less stressed, calmer, sleeping better, ALL because I started to #Haveawordwimesen AGAIN.
AND I am practicing to write, FOR ME, whilst I am happy to share my writing with a select few (that’s you by the way) I am writing for ME.
In the past 4 weeks, I have had a break, from alcohol, just to see if I could hear and listen to myself again, Trust me it’s hard to hear yourself when you are dealing with a shitty hangover
I set this website up, started a blog, (this was never in my plan) but it feels right?
Whilst I am expressing myself on here, I am also learning to develop my own unique style of writing, so when I DO finish the fucking dam book, it will be a real true reflection of my interpretation of the story.
Now in the picture above, you might see someone talking to a wall?
I see someone who is talking to their own reflection, talking to themselves. No one else, that shadow is MY shadow, it’s me, but just a reflection, a different view of who I am, and I for one am happy that our paths have crossed again.
A shadow only appears when the light is present if it is dark and you cannot see your shadow, create some light…
I took a break from drinking alcohol socially over 24 days ago now (thats not to say I’m NOT DRINKING AGAIN) But the main, fundamental reason I wanted a break was to ‘find me again’ . Over the past few years the only time I ever really got to myself to relax and not think about work, life etc, was the weekend.
However, for the past, christ knows how long, my weekends have been spent trying to relax, but its hard to relax, when I was fucking hungover and crap. And then theres the ‘dam book’ getting around to writing ‘that fucking book’ for years and despite attempts to make a start, they have always been half hearted, because in order (I think) to pore my heart out about some personal crap, will require me to be in a good place AND it helps if your not hungover and feeling CRAP.
I think I have known and felt this way for a while, but could never put my finger on what was missing.
So during the first 22 days, I honestly have to say, I have never felt better physically and mentally, whilst its felt different, the way I feel about myself is 1000 times better than I have done in years. I have realised what was missing was “having a relationship again with me”. I’d started to prioritise me! and by not drinking, I’d given myself the space to ‘think about me’ .
In the 4th of July’s post, I talked about life being like ‘A game of Snake and Ladders’.
I have recently had a couple of shit, crap, wank days this week, that made ‘me’ feel crap about myself. How ever after some ‘me time’ reflection I can now see how I had allowed this to happen.
And, yes I said “ME” even though there were some external factors, incidents that had happened. I didn’t like how I was feeling and realised that the past couple of days, whilst it had been going through the motions, I had stopped #Havingawordwimesen
So it was time to #Haveaword, this started off by asking myself, what happened that ‘I’ had allowed to piss of off over the past couple of days? Looking back
Soooo….. I had a couple of meetings at the beginning of the week, of which I felt uncomfortable about dealing with, (it would appear I was probably more anxious about them than I thought).
I got the first one out of the way and felt better, relieved and relaxedagain.
Then I returned to my desk to be told the admin worker called in sick, I did feel gutted because the consequences was that, that day there was a deadline to be met, which meant I would have to do it. But at the time though, I reasoned (#hadaword) with myself, ‘ok, its happened, there is nothing I can do about itI will just have to do it’. So I re-priorised my work and cracked on with the task in hand.
So what with managing, juggling and troubleshooting other work related issues, I did leave work that day feeling drainedfrom being under pressure. I was physically and emotion knackered by the end of Monday, so went to bed early too get some rest for the meeting that lunch time that I was ‘really dreading and anxious about’
I had prepped for the meeting, I had all the information at hand, I was struggling to prepare myself for having to deal with the person chairing the meeting.
In a nut shell, he’d previously been publicly derogatory and had made some flippant remarks about one of the projects I’d managed, however as I wasn’t at the meetings when he’d aired ‘his’ flippant remarks I obviously wasn’t able to defend or respond. SO basically I knew, that should he start making flippant remarks, whilst I was present, I would have NO choice but to challenge it.
On route to the meeting I was constantly #havingawordwimesen, reminding myself that…
I was good at my job
That it was only HIS opinion
I was well respected by my peers
Try not to take it personal
Well, after being in the meeting for approximatly 15-20 minutes, he made another similar derogatory remark, like the ones he’d made at previous meetings, those meetings, where I hadn’t been able to defend back.
WELL its fair to say I LOST ME SHIT, in fact the only part of me losing my shit I recall is saying “I’m sorry, but I am NOT having that!” I honestly do not remember what I actually said.
All I know is that after I stopped, all the eyes in the room were on me, which left me feeling slightly (well a-lot) embarrassedand ashamedof myself. Even though, it was fully justified, I felt (a little better) I had not wanted, nor intended on reacting like it did, essentially I had let him in and allowed him to get to me.
Even though, I would love to have stamped on his fucking head and give him ALL the FUCKS I possessed, the reality is, I would’ve felt better initially, but then what?
Would that stop him from being a FUCKWIT? – NO
Who left that meeting feeling SHIT? – ME
I checked in with a coupled of people who were there after, firstly to apologise for my outburst, but also to find out what I had said (because I honestly don’t remember). One said “He deserved it” the other said “all you did was show how passionate you are”, so basically I went OTT.
I don’t like ‘being’ or ‘feeling’ like that person. Yesterday, I came home knowing Pat was out all night, which meant I could use the alone time to #haveawordwimesen, I got out my personal journal and started to write and do you know what? I started to feel a lot better, because after reflecting on all the of the above, I understood why I was feeling ‘SHIT’.
It was because my feelings had been hurt, i had taken stuff to heart and personalised something that wasn’t in fact personal nor intentionally intended to hurt me, but that I had made it personal.
So like ‘the game of snake and ladders, what I had done is stopped rolling my own dice and had allowed someone else to throw my dice for me… and guess what? “thats ok,.
Sometimes we don’t realise that we are allowing someone else to throw our dice” the key is when you realise you are allowing someone to play the game for you, you have a choice, you can either take back the dice, or continue to let them play YOUR game on YOUR behalf.
Sooo, the question you could ask YOURSELF today is who are YOU allowing to throw your dice?
Not had the best of sleep’s, worrying about a couple of meetings I have today where i am worried that what I have to say might not be popular or welcomed by a couple of people in particular. – I have even missed my morning run, because I feel shattered.
No one likes confrontation, but confrontation is a part of life whether we like it or not. The confrontation might be about addressing something you have done OR something someone else might have done. Either way if it is bothering you, it needs addressing, but it never feels good does it?
So because it doesn’t feel good the first and ‘easy’ option is to leave it, let it drop – I have to say, I have done this many a time, I have even let the same situation happen again and again, before I realise and accept that its time to ‘Confront the issue‘ – But it still doesn’t feel good does it? Or you leave it, walk away, but your still left feeling shit, either way it doesn’t feel nice, you cannot win either way.
But can you think of a time, where you had made the decision to confront an issue, after hours and hours of internal turmoil and after you felt much, much better? empowered, in control.
Feelings play a major role in our every waking day, but we often, suppress them, particularly the uncomfortable ones, because the feeling doesn’t feel nice.
Did you know that its our own feelings that dictates most of all our decision making?
The decisions, based on how we feel, can and does determine how, how long it can take a person to get from A to B, some people never get to B all because of their feelings.
There is a GREAT book I read many years ago, its called “Feel the Fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers, it helped me understand about my fears, rational and irrational and better still how to help manage my own fears.
This is a short one today, but wanted to share some advice I took on board myself many years ago.
WARNING I still struggle with my feelings, you cannot buy a monitor off the shelf that deals with your feelings for YOU, theres only YOU that can do it! Sorry its not the easy option, but its the only option YOU have.
Well I am going to those fucking meetings today, I am going to say what I want to say and not suppress it, ALL because I’m WORRIED about the outcome and how it will leave me FEELING.
“I talk to myself” YES thats it, I said it, I talk to me sen!, in fact I talk to me sen ALL the friggin time! ‘I even had full blown arguments with me sen’ Now you won’t have ever seen me doing this, well you might have seen me act it out, but you won’t have ever heard what ‘im talking to Mesen about’ because I do it all in me head.
Feel free to section me now pleeease. God how I would love to spend another week in the psychiatric ward or ‘Nut house‘ as it was affectionally called. Well it was called that, the ward I was in, is now a lovely housing estate. So now the area is filled with ‘nutters’ who have actually paid to live there I their big posh houses…. ‘Ironic”
On a serious note though, people look at me as if I have grown two fucking heads, when I tell them “I was in Middlewood and it was the best thing that ever happened to me”. Now don’t get me wrong I defiantly wasn’t well when I went in, I was suffering from drug induced psychosis (too much amphetamine use)
But after finally accepting that I wasn’t right in the head, I finally agreed to go, (much to the relief of my family, I can tell thee) I accepted I…
Was fucked up,
I had lost the plot
I was nothing
I couldn’t feel
I couldn’t think anymore
I didn’t know who I was
I was a shell, a body an empty body
I was spiritless “the lights were on but no one was fucking home”.
I can now see why the family were concerned though, what they didn’t know was I had recently stopped taking amphetamine. So when my family were telling me I wasn’t making sense I was like “fuck off, theres nowt wrong wi me, its you lot!” during my episode I’d ceremonyously burned every single item of stolen goods or tainted items in our house, (as I called them) on the back garden, I’d also thrown the last lot of amphetamine on the fire too. For me I was cleansing myself, getting rid of all the badness around me. That included people close to me, if I even smelled ‘yes smelled‘ a whiff of insincerity on someone they were allowed near me! I was convinced that my mobile calls were being intercepted, so that went on the fire too.
I was given a leaflet by a religious guy who lived down the road from us, it was about John the baptist, how he was persecuted for his belief and faith, I was like “whoa thats me!” so I think that when I’d started ranting about being lie John the Baptist my family decided enough was enough.
I vividly recall, standing in the reception at the hospital, whilst my mom was checking me in, thinking “holy shit, how the fuck have I ended up here” and this old ‘BIG BAD FORDY’ wa shitting her sen I can tell thee!
It was late evening when I got there, so everyone was in bed. Mom and Ada (my stepdad) had left me there and the staff were taking me to a ward with about 10 beds in, five either side of the room, none of the curtains were closed (I honestly thought they might have given me my own room for fucks sake) so here I was cacking me sen, taken to a bed, to sleep with a room full of strangers.
By this time, I hadn’t actually had any sleep for over 48 hours, the medical staff offered me some tablets to help with sleep, but that would have meant putting something impure into my system and I was trying to rid myself of anything impure! so after declining tablets, I attempted to sleep. Well, I pretended to sleep, there was a girl who got up after noticing I’d been brought in, who was ranting and raving about how she “wanted to sleep like her!” I knew she meant me, cos she was at the bottom of me fucking bed! its fair to say that, at that time I was was the most afraid, I’d ever been and don’t asked me what happened over the next few days, because most of it is a blur.
RIGHT I’m digressing, so enough about this episode in my life – I might write about it another time, in more depth.
The point I am trying to make is, the reason why “being sectioned in Middlewood” was the best thing that EVER could have happened to me was, because for the first time, (apart from first going in) I felt safe, no one could contact me. I had the space to, think, reflect, non interrupted reflection, no one telling me what to do, or how or what to think! I had the time to think through what I really wanted, it was the first time in my life that I had the space to think about ‘ME’ what did ‘I want?’ more importantly what I ‘didn’t want‘.
I also become to realise and learn whilst in Middlewood, that the other people that were there, was because they also broken, they weren’t ‘MAD’ they weren’t ‘BAD’, life had just become too much, they couldn’t cope any more, they were just like me, or I was just like them.
The bottom line is the reason or story that had brought them there, whilst all were different and unique to them, they were here because they couldn’t cope with life ‘at that time‘. Being there allowed them ‘me‘ some respite from that wonderful thing we call life?
Since being released from “the NUT house” my life, hasn’t been easy, but ya know what? I’m still here. I am a different person, I think a better person and all because I’d started listening to what I “really wanted” not what was “expected of me!”
Not sure where people go to or are sent to now a-days to have a word with the sens? but I’m here doing it now and using this platform to reflect, make sense of what I want… you see I think (well I know) that somewhere over the past few years, I’ve stopped thinking about what ‘I truly want’ and im not talking materialistic stuff here, I’m talking the stuff money CANNOT buy, I’m talking about being happy and content with who I am.
So to everyone, who’s wondering ‘What the fuck is Tracey on with at the moment?’ I’ll tell ya, “Im basically having a word wi me sen”
I chose to have a break of the alcohol, not because I think im an alcoholic, but I realised that those social drinks I’ve been having every weekend for ‘Christ knows how long’ has left me feeling ‘shit, every weekend’ and I started to get a bit bored, so I wanted to see whether or not having a break would actually make me feel better? – Guess what it has?
I have used the time that I would have normally spent, monging on the sofa hungover watching shit TV, doing something for me! Ive been wanting to write for years, I’ve made attempts, but then I have ‘given up’ mainly arguing and telling myself, “I’m not good enough‘ OR ‘it who the fuck cares about what you have to say?’
But here I am writing and I don’t care
What people might think!
If people don’t understand it!
If I have made a spelling mistake “I’m not perfect and don’t claim to be”
If I use words you night find offensive
I do CARE though about ME, I am finally doing something for ‘ME’ which requires me to do a-lot #having a word wi me sen.
But theres no need to section me, (‘well ya can if you like, I would willing go, unfortunately I have a job to go to’) because I am the happiest I have been in a long time. So don’t worry about me mate, I’d spend your time and energy worrying about ya sen, and what YOU really want out of life?
So back to the heading
Is talking to yourself the first sign of madness?
love Tracey, feel free to comment (note you will have to click on the blog heading for the comment box to appear at the end)
Im my introduction to this page I talked about, being 48 years old and didn’t want to get to 50 and look back and think ‘You still haven’t written that book’ or not done the things ‘I had been meaning or wanting to do’ but never got around to doing it. I don’t like the feeling of self disappointment, in fact I hate it!
To be fair, I don’t know anyone! ” who likes the feeling of letting themselves down?”No one The reality is I am not getting younger, I’m not sure what I will think and feel like when I’m 50, but who EVER does? How can self predict what they will look like?, feel like? The simple answer is I cant?
Life is full of uncertainties – Its like driving a car to a new destination, some people will feel more confident about the journey and final destination, more than others.
In preparation for the journey some people will:
Need to learn to drive – who can help you with this?
Not even attempt the journey – they just think about it
Risk it – and just make it up as they go a long and hope they get there
Already have an idea/understanding of the the route/direction they are heading
Need a map, plan the route in advance or use if get lost, or take a wrong turn
Rely on a ‘sat nav, a gadget’ to tell them which way to go-WARNING these gadgets can let you down
Thats all well and good, everyone is different, so they will prepare for their own journey, with what they are comfortable with or if it feels safer to stay put, they will stay put and won’t go anywhere.
If the Journey went well – the majority of people (if they needed or wanted to revisit) will attempt the journey again and are more likely to return OR go even further.
If the journey went bad – Lets say ‘you got lost all the time’, or ‘people cut you up and pissed you off,’ or ‘you had a flat tyre and no spare’ or god for bid the car broke down. You could call the AA, get the car fixed and carry on OR you might have not got cover? you say “fuck this I’m going back”
Life can be like planning a journey, you get to chose your destination, how you get there, who you take
The sad part of this is a lot of people, can allow themselves to
Keep looking backon where they have just come from, taking their eyes off the road
Be afraid of the journey, worry about all the potential hazards that might happen
Today ask yourself
Are you fancying a trip? – or are you happy with where you are now? maybe your not ready?
Which destination would you like to go to? – is it going to be a quick journey or a long journey
How could you get there? car, bus, train? – What are your options?
How will you prepare for the trip? – What do you need to do before you set off?
Whose going with you? OR are you going alone?
If you have problems on the way? what could they look like? how could you solve them (for example, a flat tyre, have you got a spare? are you signed up to a recovery service?)
What if you get lost? – what can you do?
At the moment, I am
Loving driving my new car, I have been planning this trip for a long time
Im not sure of my final destination, but I am hoping I will feel better when I get there
Im not sure how long it will take or whether I will need some breaks along the way (after all everyone needs a piss)
It might look and feel completely different when I get there, but where ever I go, I want to make the most of the journey.
Have you been planning any trips lately?
What ever you are doing today, make the most of it, stop worry about where you have been, and more importantly stop looking back if your always looking and focusing here you have been, you won’t be able to focus on where you are going
Morning guys, I had lovely catch up with my bestie, Shauna last night, its not often we get together, but when we do its not like we have never been apart. Its not long before we are talking about whats going off around us, trying to understand life, what. we want, what we don’t want, whats recently pissed us off etc..
She get’s me and I get her. We both accept that we both can be neurotic, irrational, the beauty about our friendship is we are both able to tell each other frankly “I think your over reacting, or I think your being too hard on yourself” but we also share the good times too, and trust me we have had loads.
If you have a mate like this, you are extremely lucky, you might have many friends, but friends who accept you, regardless of your flaws (all of the above), if you have a mate who gets you, but haven’t spoken to them for a while, get in touch, touch base, see how they are doing, listen to what THEY have to say, NOT what you want to say and nuture that relationship. Even if they can be FUCKWITS at times, tell them they are being a Fuckwit.
There are loads of definitions of what a fuckwit is, but I like the Urban Dictionaries definition ‘a person who is not only lacking in clue but is apparently unable or unwilling to acquire clue even when handed it on a plate in generous portions.’
I bet you can think of a few fuckwits? some make you angry, some make you laugh and some quite frankly will make you despair.
You might work with a Fuckwit?, you might have a loved one whose a Fuckwit? a family member who is a Fuckwit? . So now we have ascertained we are surrounded by Fuckwits, how do we deal with all these Fuckwits?
You can distance yourself from a fuckwit, but I will guarantee another Fuckwit will pop up again, you can feel like you are constantly “bashing the toad”
Its quite simply a FACT OF LIFE “We are surrounded by Fuckwits”
Do you know, the sad thing is, the Fuckwits are so unaware that they don’t even know they are Fuckwits.
Fuckwits can only stop being Fuckwits if they are willing and open to accepting some clues, so if you have tried to offer some clues and they haven’t picked up on them, then YOUR FUCKED.
So next time whilst you running around pulling your hair out trying to deal with a Fuckwit, ask yourself this “whats worse?”
Being a Fuckwit?
Being the idiot, running around, pulling your hair out, feeling frustrated, feeling angry, feeling upset, feeling hurt all because of a Fuckwit? who doesn’t even know they are a Fuckwit?
Think about it, how much longer are YOU going to let a Fuckwit affect your life?
Reet folks on that note, I’m off to work, to deal with (some, not all) Fuckwits
Ps, please feel free to share your thoughts on Fuckwits
Morning guys, just got back from me run, its 6.30am and I feel great. So if you have woken up this morning feeling a little crap reading this, so “Im sorry to hear your feeling crap“, (please feel free to stop reading now) but do you know what? I am not apologising for being in a good place.
Now you might be thinking ‘what the fuck is she on about I wore a dress?’ well, every Tuesday and Thursday theres a stall on the bottom of the Moor, in Sheffield, its run by two GREAT women, who have clubbed some cash together to start their own little business. They are there bless em, come rain or shine and cold (and let me tell ya they have braved some shit weather) I love their clothes, they aren’t the usual standard high street clothes, they sell pretty much unique one offs, a style I used to love to wear many years ago, when I had the self confidence to wear something different!
This Tuesday, I popped I to see if they had anything new in or if they had got he dungarees that I’d bought a few weeks earlier, but in black (I’d asked them to get me some if they saw any). Anyway, they pointed out their new stock and said “we’ve got a dress I think you will love“ I’m like “Nahhhh, ya know I don’t wear dresses!“ but they showed me the dress and I did like it, in fact I loved it, but I don’t wear dresses! (apart from when Im on me holidays because no body knows me there, I might wear a long dress at home, but only as long as it comes to me ankles, but thats as far as it goes)
Your probably wondering ‘why doesn’t she wear dresses, the weirdo?’ its because I hate my calfs! yes, you heard right! I hate my calfs, they are like footballers calfs, not ya slim feminine calfs, mine are “massive“ – well the girls on the stall convinced me to try the dress on over me clothes, I reasoned that it if covered my calfs, it might be a goer. And it did, “just“ cover me calfs, and I did like it, I was presenting at a conference the day after and thought that it would probably look better (more presentable) than the torn jeans and baggy top I was planning to wear. So I bought it, but did say, “look if im not sure im bringing it back Thursday ya know“ so it still wasn’t a done deal that I would wear it the following day, I still needed to see it properly myself.
I got back to work, and beckoned me mate Helen to the small office (she was probably wondering what the fuck I wanted) I was like I’ve bought a dress!, I’m actually laughing to myself writing this “its official I am a weirdo“ I tried the dress on again, over my clothes, again and asked her what she thought? of course she said “its nice, it looks nice“ little reassured, but also feeling a little bit of a tit of me sen, , I took the dress off and said “i’m still not sure, i’m going to try it on again when I get home”
I got home, the very first thing I did was try the bleeding dress on. it looked ok, it was different, I took it off, feeling a little more confident. So, when Pat got home, I was like “right I need you upstairs“ Poor sod thought it was his lucky day!“ Instead, I stripped off, put me dress on and said “what dya think“ he obviously said it looked ok, so I took it off for the third “fucking time“ and decided, yes, I’m going to bite the bullet and wear it the following day.
I reasoned with myself that even though I might feel out of my comfort zone, wearing a dress to the conference, nobody at the conference would notice, because the majority of them
a) Don’t know me and realise that I am a weirdo
b) Don’t care that I’m wearing a dress, they want to know what I’m there to talk about
Morning of the conference I went for me morning run, got back, showered and dressed, and thought “right this is it, I look ok, lets do this”. My colleague Charlotte was picking me up, she pulled up, got out of the car and the first thing she said was “Morning, you look nice” (god little did she know), now I feel comfortable telling Charlotte, so I was like ” You do realise that this is the first time I have worn a dress in years!” I had to have a word wi me sen, this might be a BIG deal for me, but no fucker cares if im wearing a dress or not!
It’s fair to say, my first outing wearing a dress, that did in fact, show some of my calfs, (I’d noticed when I was carting me rucksack on me back, but every-time I thought about it, I tried to let it go). The conference went GREAT, our presentation went down well, a lot of people in the audience asked questions, and a few stayed behind after to ask more questions, which is a good sign. Whats not so good is when theres NO questions and a room full of people running out for lunch as soon as you’ve finished your presentation.
So presentation done and apart from not being able to sit with me legs open, like I would have been about to do wearing trousers and trying to remind me sen to cross me legs, AND dealing with more than usual sweaty legs, Christ how do women do this? my first attempt at wearing a dress that showed a little of my calfs went ok.
Now you might think I’m weird and I would agree, I am also openly admitting to being someone who can and does quite frequently ‘over think’ I frequently ‘question myself’ and ‘doubt myself‘. And if were all really honest with ourselves “we all do” and guess what? its OK.
I read a GREAT book a while ago, in fact, after telling a few friends about it, Ive bought them a copy and I would encourage you to do so too, its called the “The Chimp Paradox”
Basically we all have a chimp, you cannot get rid of the chimp, but you CAN TAME it, by learning to understand it, and learn to understand which chimp is chatting shit in your head. For me, from buying that fucking dress, my “insecure” chimp, would not shut the fuck up! but because I reasoned and didn’t listen to the chimp, I wore the dress, ‘no one died’, it felt ok, ‘well it did feel a little weird, but it was ok’
Disclaimer: The picture of me wasn’t taken to make a point about wearing a dress, I’d promised the girls on the stall that I’d get a picture and let them use it on their facebook page to help them sell some more. (they had better give me a discount next time on there, which will be today, by the way, I’m hoping me dungarees which pat says ‘make me look like Handy Pandy’ might be in.
Soooo who’d have thought? to anyone looking at the pic, how would they know that it had caused me so much wasted worry and grief? ‘after all, its a fucking dress for crying out loud’ so next time you see someone and think to yourself ‘look at them, they are always happy or I wish I had her confidence’ remember alls not what it seems
Life quite simply is like a game of snake and ladders, the question to ask yourself today is….
Are you playing?
Is someone playing on your behalf?
Have you been stuck in the same place for a while?
Have lost your dice?
Do you like who you are playing against?
Morning, just on me way to a conference to talk about the work partners in Sheffield Help us Help have been doing around raising awareness to the general public about the people they see who are visible (mainly in the city centre) but who can look vulnerable or intimidating, you might refer to them as ‘street drinkers’ or ‘drugaholics’ a phase I know someone uses to describe people who are hanging outside an off licence in town either begging or in small groups being loud and rowdy.
Anyway, this morning I was being picked up early, so I set me alarm earlier, so I could get me morning run in. Whilst out running (ok jogging and the odd walk) an idea / concept came to me.
Well I’m lying, the idea came to me last year, I designed some domestic abuse training for new staff, who were part of a new multiagency team to work with families, including the victim, perp and children affected by domestic abuse. The I’d designed the whole training session around the board game “Snakes and Ladders” YES you heard, me “Snakes and Ladders” and cycle of change.
It got me thinking, I’ve been looking for a metaphor that could be used to describe how we can deal with life on life’s terms, a common sense approach, because lets be honest the worlds gone fucking mad.
When older generation say “hey it weren’t like this or like that back in my day” well it wouldn’t would it, we live in a completely different place now compared to, 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 friggin years ago.
Whilst our environment around us ‘human’s’ might have changed, personally I don’t think, us as humans have or are adapting as well as well could. Life is complicated regardless of you you are, where ever you were born, where who ever you are.
Back to the game
ANYONE can climb the ladder, and anyone can slide backwards. this might be self inflicted or out of your control. But, regardless your still a player in the game, you can chose to either, say safe (what ever that means to you) and stay where you are “Spit ya dummy out”and refuse to play OR you can dust yourself down and play this crazy world we call LIFE!
More often than not, the only thing that is stopping us from participating and playing are our own limiting beliefs, YES you heard it YOU.
Right that far too much fucking thinking for me today, BUT I do intend on expand and talk more about the ‘Snakes and Ladders’ metaphor
When you get what you want, will you be happier?
How will you know you will be happier?
Can you compromise? could you be happy with something less, more realistic? or more attainable
Take weight loss for example, if you have said one or more of the statements below, it might be time to have a re-think? You don’t have to but, it wont hurt neither will it?
I want to be slim
I want to lose my excess weight by xxxxx –
I want to get rid of my cellulite –
I want to be more toned
I want to get rid of my kangaroo pouch
I want to get rid of my stretch marks
I want a smaller ass
I want a bigger ass
I want bigger tits
I want smaller tits
Now ask yourself….
‘How much time is wasted, daydreaming, aspiring to attain one or more of the above?’
‘How many hours of negative thoughts and feelings have you given to one or more of the above?’
‘How much have you spent financially to try and attain one or more of the above ?’
Now ask yourself….
How much time have you spent accepting you as YOU?
Let me guess, I bet not much, and do you know why? because it’s painful, it doesn’t feel nice.
and its not easy when society is always selling us ‘ if you buy xxxx then in two months you’ll be xxxxx;. You buy into the idea, the dream, not just to lose weight, but more than anything, what you really really want is to stop feeling fucking SHIT about yourself.
As individuals we have learned, if we can help it, we try to avoid painful situations at all cost ! Even at the cost of our own self esteem, heres a fact for ya…..
Buy self esteem on the internet or in shops
rely on others to support or maintain your own self esteem!
You can though
Start learning to accept who you are, you are more than your looks, that loved ones love you regardless of how you look
Start to see all them marketing messages and see then for what they are
Stop seeking approval from society to determine what’s socially perfect and what’s not !
#haveawordwitheesen AND ITS FREE – well you can pay me if you like, cheques and transfers accepted
Start listening to yourself!
Pick up a book, start to learn how to look after yourself
Do things you enjoy
Make time for you
Be selfish, it’s ok to be selfish