#shithappens – an excert from the book

 

So i thought i would share with you a little excert from the book about one of my childhood memories.

Chapter 2 – All was not as it seemed

I loved living at Woodseats, at Fraser Cresent, there was a small garden on the front, and a larger one off the back, we’d only ever had a concrete yard to play on before. We had our own bedrooms, which back them seemed massive, the house was a lot more modern. The inside bathroom was luxury, no more tin baths for us, and the inside toilet was a dream come true. I remember we made friends quickly, all varying ages, but you did as kids don’t you?.  There was Alison who lived across the road, she was a little older than us, very pretty and I remember her house always smelling like coal, some people still used coal as fuel and had coal houses outside the house, every so often the deliveries would come down the street, lorries piled high with big sacks full of coal and the men would be covered in black soot. 

There was a steep grassed verge outside our house, which led to the road and every so often a set of steps. I have fond memories of being able to stay out late until after dark, it probably wasn’t that late, well it was the street lights would have been on, which would normally been time for us kids to be going indoors, but not all the time, we would be sat there on our front, chatting, laughing, joking  whilst watching the local bats swirling above our heads.

These are some of the most innocent times of my childhood, I loved it living there, I would climb one of the local trees, right up to the top, I could always go higher than any of the boys, I had no fear. But the best part was when I was alone, at the top, I could see for miles, it was quiet, I’d often go and climb that tree alone, just for the feeling I got from sitting at the top alone. 

Anyway I digress there was this spotty kid, Adrian who also lived across the road, I think he was a year or so older, but was a reet spoilt git, he always had all the latest toys and would spend most of his time showing off. 

Across from our house to the left was a cul-de-sac called Fraser Drive, that on one side opened up to Barbers Field, which was a huge playing field with woods to the right of it. 

There were some kids who we would play with who’s houses backed directly onto the field, I don’t recall any of their names though, but what I do recall, us kids having races, shimming up the lamppost and playing rounders with the kids and their parents, I’d often think ‘wouldn’t it be nice if my mom and dad could turn up and play too’, but like yeh! that was ever going to happen. 

Anyway, further down the drive opposite the woods that was were Rachel lived,  I used to play with Rachel a lot, I remember how I loved spending time around at hers, she had older siblings and there was always a friendly, family atmosphere around theirs. There was this one time, me and Rachel had been up to the main shops on Woodseats for some sweets. Now to get to the main shopping precinct everyone would have to use the path that ran from the estate. At the bottom of the path was small bridge hovering over a small stream, once over the small bridge your journey would take you up a steep path, the path was surrounded by woods, which would open up on the main shopping precinct, this path was called “the dale” don’t ask me why? This was a busy route, it was the same one we used to go to school every day or people would use if they were going to work, or to use public transport,  anyway, it was used ALOT. One day there we were, me and Rachel on our way on home  from the shop innocently waking back down the dale, when we get half way down, we are stopped, someone was shouting from behind us, further back at the top of the path. 

At first we couldn’t see where the shouting was coming from, but then to the left of the path, just by the side, in the woods, there was a guy, don’t ask me how old, standing there bold as brass, shaking something in his hand. Now trust me I had never seen a penis before, and in all honesty I hadn’t got a clue what he was doing, neither did Rachel, we were just stood there trying to work out, who this guys was? What he was doing? And what did he want with us? 

Then, the penny dropped “its a FLASHER run” I remember spinning around and bombing it down the path, I got to the bridge and sensed I was alone, where the fuck was Rachel? I turned around and there she was in the very same spot, stood frozen, unable to move and the dirty bastard bloke was still there, playing with his thingy, smiling to him sen. I couldn’t leave Rachel there, so I ran as fast as I could up to her, grabbed her arm and dragged her back down the path with me. Her house was the closest, so we ran straight there to raise the alert there was a perv on the prowl. Our reactions couldnt have been more different, hers was of shock,  fear, she was traumatised. My reaction however was of anger, “the fucking dirty bastard, bet he wouldn’t do that to a bloke” I remember feeling pretty brave with me sen, after all I was about, 8 or 9, after all i’d been confronted by a pedo, perv, flasher and not only had I survived, I had saved Rachel too. Fucking hell I was a hero. The police were called, and we were asked to give a description, well to be honest all I could remember was his penis, Rachel was able to give a better description than me. All I do remember is that he was wearing the stereo typical mack coat, I think it was beige, I wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of a line up, because it happened so fast, but we gave the police what we could and they went on their way. 

Well the whole estate was talking about it, there was uproar, this was a nice estate, nothing like this ever happened, well it did that day and because of that fucking perv, me and my sister weren’t allowed out to play for ages, we couldn’t leave the front of the house, for what seemed like an eternity.  But i was “a local hero.”

Have a great day, think about all the obstacles you overcame as kids and still lived to tell the story : )

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The power of #Havingawordweyasen

Evening fello weirdos 🙂

Had a good day today, apart from still not feeling 100% had a productive day and met a guy, who has recently set up a new Love Sheffield facebook group. Its not an open group, you must be recommended / invited to the group by a friend,  the key principles of the group is about

  • Reconnecting people
  • Reconnecting local communities
  • Promoting and sharing the good stuff thats happening in sheffield
  • Sharing idea’s

But the overarching mission, ambition, aspiration is to help sheffield become the most vibrant connected cities. The guy who came up with the idea, is a pretty humble bloke, there is no other agenda other than to connect, reconnect and focus more about positivity and asking people to ask themselves “what can they do, to to improve their own lives? how could they be more creative? how could they utilise their own skills and experiances to help others?” and many more.

I love, love love the simple concept, there is no hidden agenda or motive only to encourage people to think for themselves, personally something i think as individuals alot of us have forgotten or a bit out of practice on, hence #haveawordweyasen

Good conversations, listening rather than talking, is actually alot harder than most people think (I know, i’m the worst cuplrit sometimes). I have just gone back to basics and recently started to re-read “time to think” its a book by a lady called Nancy Kline, way back in the day when i first started out i would apply the “Thinking Enviroment” principles when chairing meetings and it worked BRILLIANTLY.  – so i would highly recomend it, there are also some new editions too.

It just reminds me that (whislt some of you might think i’m a werido) that all i am actually doing with this blog is reflecting, giving my time, some time out of my day to just “fucking think” without any interuptions, just having time to process all the shit that i am consciously and suconsciously dealing with on a day to day basis. I’ve always been a deep thinker, its just that i have never really “spoke out loud” or shared my thoughts, like i am doing right now.

Think back to a time where you have had a conversation with someone and you have walked away feeling liberated, you feel like you have been heard someone got to know you, a little bit of the ‘real you’. You got to learn new things about someone, you have found something out about yourself, your perspective on life has slightly shifted, you feel happy, content. 

Over recent months, one of the main things i have started to value is the people around me, not just the people i already know and love, but those who i might not normally take an active interest in, mainly because i’m ‘too fucking busy dealing with my own shit’ . But more importantly i have started to value myself more, and thats harder than it sounds and it takes practice. What i am learning, well i say learning, i learnt this years ago, but have some how lost it, but starting to re-learn

We wont suddenly become all self aware, kind to yourself, happy with yourself, by just giving up one thing in your life that you think isn’t working anymore. 

Finding out who you are may take quite some time – as i am learning

  • Parts of the journey will be liberating, exciting, 
  • others will feel pretty daunting, scary and will take you to a place where you will question “what the fuck is life all about” 
  • Sometimes you will slip into old habits – it feels more comfortable – this doesn’t last though, because sooner or later, you will come back to the same place where you started, and thats thinking “theres got to me more to life than this?” 
  • Looking after you takes commitment, dedication, self discipline
  • But the rewards are worth it 

We can always listen and learn from others, but the best lessons we we learn from are from listening to ourselves! 

Over and out, i’m off to watch shit TV

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Society – Do us a favour and xxck off

Expectations 

Sometimes societies expectations on people can and does set them up to fail. then if and when they fail then society will make judgments. Judgments then creates stigma, stigma creates shame, shame prevents people from seeking support, because they don’t feel worthy or they have failed to live up to societies expectations of them. 

Its no wonder some people give up and say “fuck it” 

So i have a few questions ….

  • Who in society sets these expectations?
  • Who decides?
  • whats are  the social norms?

What ever happened to nurturing yourself over societies expectations of who you should be? 

I mean living up to societies expectations is fucking hard graft

Do me a favour today “fuck societies expectations” and take some time out to focus  and really think about 

  • What you have got in your life at this moment
  • Think about all those personal achievements you have made
  • Celebrate all those obstacles you have overcome and “pat yourself on the back” don’t wait for someone else to do it for ya 
  • Think about the quality of friendships you have, focus less on the quantity, but focus on the “quality” 
  • Be thankful you have a roof over your head, it might not be what you want at this time, but be thankful you have got one
  • Be thankful for money you have in your pocket, it might not be a lot, but its better than nothing
  • Don’t take for granted the fact that you are able to currently inhale and exhale, dont take that for granted, because quite frankly one thing i am absoloutly certain of is without that somple function “breathing” none of the above actually matters anyway, does it?

#shithappens – Deal with it

Fuck other peoples expecations of you

And most importantly Love thee sen

 

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SPICE and i’m not talking 10p mix

Over the past few days, weeks I have been bubbling with fury over recent press articles namely by the Sheffield star and other scare mongers, who are using the use and availability of SPICE as an opportunity to sell more papers or to donate to their fundraising efforts to they can save the fucking world, and rid the earth of anything bad., imoral or not nice to see.n BULL FUCKING SHIT, im seriously ready to blow and seeing was this is my platform, I can say the fuck what I want and get this fucking burning burden off me chest. 

Here’s a little story alot of people dont know….

So here goes, a long time ago before SPICE as we know it now, used to be a ten penny mix of sweets from the local shop, many of the bags were pre-wrapped, so it was a lucky dip and you never knew if you were going to get ya fave sweet or not. There was none of that health and safety bollox back then, not of that, wearing gloves when handling someone else’s soon to be food, fit for human consumption, nah none of that!

Now not  so long ago in Sheffield, in the most random of places, Sheffield had some new “head” shops in town, they sold mainly cannabis related paraphernalia, but has also started selling, some “New Shiny little bags of special high” now this stuff was legal, It was called synthetic cannabis, none of that home grown natural shit, nah this was fucking better than that, these shiny little bags of magic were marketed based on how they recreated  similar effects, to drugs such as cocaine and ecstasy. In Sheffield, we had a number of these shops popping up, fuck me even some of the same newsagents, where you might have bought them “good old bags of 10p spice” were selling them! AND making more fucking profit than back in the good old days. 

I mean it was getting bad, it was bad in the local communities, but it was also getting really back in the city centre too, young people who were coming into town to access the local youth services, were presenting “off their nuts” but hey its ok “its legal”. Local shops were laying it on, asking for passports or something of value, phones, in return for one of them Shiny little bags of special high. I mean Fuck me they would be queuing outside the shop ready for it to open in a morning. 

Bit like that bench outside the Cathedral in town, waiting for a dealer to come along to sell his wares. ( I digress)

Now I don’t know about you, but there were some people in Sheffield manly youth services, drugs services, schools who were getting really concerned about this, they were getting reports these packets of shiny bags in local parks alongside the discarded empty cans of lager after a wake of antisocial behaviour on the local community and with raising concerns from family members about their loved ones “kids” 13 -16 years old taking this so called “legal high” trust me there were alot of grave concerns out there and justified.

Sales of these products at the time were a real legal grey area. These products were actually  branded  ‘Not For Human Consumption’ but were being sold as plant food, bath salts, herbal incense and room odourisers amongst other things. YES you read that right! shops were selling this to young people. And guess what, they weren’t advertising it as the “next new deodorant or perfume” nah, even though they wasn’t “fit for human consumption” this shit was being sold, with advice on how to smoke it! 

The branding and marketing was BRILLIANT brands included names such as Clockwork Orange, Haze, Annihilation, Spice, Doob and Blue Cheese, I mean the names changed all the time, ALL claiming to get you higher that the last brand. Ooooops sorry I mean not high, “just smelling nicer” 

Some departments in the council, safeguarding, trading standards, drugs services, police, young peoples A&E decided to do something about this. YES they actually did something! 

So it was legal to sell, but only if the packaging clearly stated “NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION” So Sheffield very own trading standards team, would regularly be doing visits to these shops to check that they adhered to the guidance. Guess what? A lot of them were not! In fact a-lot of these small little local supermarkets, were also found to be selling contraband or fake alcohol and cigs too, This was a BIG earner and starting to become a BIG issue in Sheffield. 

With the concerns around child welfare, young peoples drugs services in conjunction with children safeguarding team, started to visit “these innocent shops” trying to engage with them and trying to appeal to their better nature and discourage them from selling these products to young people. To be fair the majority of shops came on board and would hand out the harm reduction messages (created by our workers) to all the young people they sold the drugs to, remember at this point “they are STILL LEGAL” these shop are NOT BREAKING the law. 

We did partnership operations, doing week long enforcement with the shops, services were in schools delivering drugs education about these “new shiny bags” ya know those that are NOT FIT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION but are still being peddled legally in local shops, the same shops were you could buy your bread and milk. We had pop us stalls near to the shops, stopping and talking to members of the public, trying to raise awareness about this “new legal high”. I mean fuck me we even had reports of a local petrol station selling them. All branded up on display, just like them packets of peanuts you get from shop, displayed on a strip of cardboard waiting to be sold to people who were looking for their “next legal high”

In fact ironically a couple of years into the selling of these products the police and council, started to get reports and complaints from these very same shops selling this shit! about antisocial behaviour, in and outside the premises, some shops even ranked up the prices to put off the customer tha were becoming troublesome, some people might say that actually “these troublesome customers were now dependant on the SHIT that the shops were selling?” Now did they stop selling it? NO, why not I hear you say? “because it was BIG business and trust me these shops were earning a Bomb”.

The Psychoactive Substances Act came into force on 26 May 2016 , making it illegal to produce, supply, import or export a psychoactive substance that is likely to be used to get high.

Now as you can imagine, agencies families, parents were very relieved. Was it going to stop kids seeking a new high? NO, was it going to stop young people experimenting ? NO, But at least it went some way to minimise access and guess what? Reports of young people using the substances dropped. 

Now lets fast forward a couple of years, the shiny branded packets of plant food, bath salts, herbal incense don’t really exist, the names just serve to confuse people and to be fair who gives a fuck if you call it Clockwork Orange, Haze, Annihilation, Spice, Doob and Blue Cheese, nowadays its sold in very small wraps or bags, it can be ready bought in a rolled up spliff, and is generally known as SPICE or MAMBER, the name just depends on where you live. Its got fuck all to do with the product, but for the user, the person who is dependant, not just on SPICE but on ANY kind of substance that will get then off their nuts, take them some where far away from who they are, its worth every penny. 

Now a days, we have gone from young kids queuing waiting for the shops to open, to have some gear laid on, to grown as adults, queuing outside some where to buy this cheap as chips “gold dust” that will take them to oblivion and back for just a fiver. That same gold dust that is 500 times stronger than cannabis, that same gold dust that is earning someone a small fortune, albeit at the expense of someone else soul. 

Now I don’t know about you, but this SPICE worries not just me, just EVERYONE, in particular the city centre, from your local independent shop to your giant corporations. It worries innocent shoppers, workers who frequent the city centre, because quite frankly “Not one human being likes to see another human being in distress”. All the workers and staff right from the local Macdonalds, to support services like Archer project, Bens centre, to city centre ambassadors and police are working their damnedest to tackle this growing problem. A problem thats not just in Sheffield, but across the UK, Europe in fact everywhere. They are not just trying to eliminate SPICE or any other drug just because “it offends or scares Joe public when they come into the city centre” they are working and trying their best to manage something that quite frankly cannot be eliminated, but managed. Just like, alcohol and all the health and social problems that, that causes our communities, and services. Just like Heroin, Crack, Coke that are still around, but not as visable or should i say, more “socially acceptable”.

It doesn’t matter what drug it is, one minute someone can be using it recreationally, for that odd escape from reality then BAM they are dependant on the fucking stuff. And quite frankly I’m not surprised, after all society these days are so quick to jump on the idealistic, socially acceptable bandwagon and blame everyone, the council, the police,  or anyone else for a problem that quite frankly is EVERYONES PROBLEM, because the FACT is anyone, regardless of social status can succumb to addiction. For everyone spouting “its a disgrace” or “more should be done” ask yourself “do you know someone who had a problem with or does a little too much, cannabis? Coke, Alcohol?” I think I can safely say the majority of you “will know someone” do you still love them? Of course you fucking do! Would you do anything to try and help them? Of course you fucking would! 

Well NEWS FLASH so do all the same services that get slagged off via social media in the press and to be perfectly honest all the substance misuse services are doing a grand fucking job, YET despite cuts to services over the years they are like they have been for years, supporting people with problems with alcohol, Crack, heroin, cannabis YES cannabis.

In fact alot of them same workers have themselves been hooked, dependant, addicted, so are pretty dam well qualified, not to your degree standard, but they posess something that you cannot learn from a teacher “a degree in life”

On a positive note, despite “jo public” not seeing it, there are thousands, hundreds of thousand, millions of people across the world who have once been addicted, Who at some point in their life, chose to take a bit of sumat to help them forget or cope, but then took a little too much and before they knew it they were addicted, dependant on it. BUT who have worked out for “THEMSELVES” with the support and guidance from family, friends and substance misuse services that “THE DRUGS DON’T WORK”. 

Addiction isn’t just one agencies problem, its a societies problem, it starts with parents nurturing their kids, building their self esteem, confidence, enough confidence to know that if a problem comes along, they can deal with its head on, with out trying to bury their heads in the sand. 

Its about helping people to understand what “emotions are” and that EVERYONE has emotions, but no fucker talks about them!  Addiction is like the “big pink elephant in the room” everyone knows its there, but no one talks about it, well I think its about time, that rather than blame everyone else, everyone should start to look at themselves. 

I once took drugs and it fucked me up for a while, I learned my lesson with support from others around me, I learned that rather than be ashamed of my past, I am “proud of it” because the main number one lesson I learned from that horrid experience is to learn to like myself (this is easier said than done sometimes) learn to love myself and accept people around me love me too. And that despite what society says “it is ok to make mistakes” 

Rant over

Wow i feel alot better now,

Thank you for reading have a GREAT bank holiday – i know i am going to

 

Love Fordy

 

 

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I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still – Sylvia Plath

Afternoon GuysI

Tried a glass of wine last night, woke up feelng tired, but ok, until 11 am then BAM! the “Wine Witch, Wine Bitch”  appeared and served me a lovely headache, so it seems i have well and truly ‘Fucked me sen up”  Now every time i tell someone, i dont drink, i guarentee they will think “ahhh she must have had a problem” Nah did i fuck! it was only meant to be a break for 30 days, i’m on day 72 (just counted) and trust me when i say “I cannot drink” i mean “I literally cannot drink” well i can, but the hangover just aint fucking worth it no more…

Had to share a special moment with you, its day 3 of feeling better, Christ these past two weeks, being ill have been SHIT, with a capital S. So anyways i’ve been pretty productive today, been out shopping, runnign some errands then I come back home to a package address to yours truly

“Mmm this is intriguing” I’m thinking, whilst i’m opening the package, only to find three small note books, each with a different quote on the front. The one that I particularly love is “I write only because there is a voice within me that will not be still” – Sylvia Plath, This just sums me up 1000%

Now this might seem a little thing, its not my birthday (I dont think?) and the person who sent it Charlotte will actually never know, just how much this act of kindness meant to me today. I know Charlotte through work, i have known her for about three years, she is alot like myself, passionate about our vulnerable, likes a real ale, doesen’t take life too serious and is generally a good laugh. We were working together a few weeks ago, delivering a presentation at a National conference no less! Actually its, the same day I wore that dress! ‘which by the way, wont be happening any time soon’ 

I called her as soon as i realised who the package was from, I’ve not seen her for about a moonth or so, shes been away on holiday and she’s been staying clear of social media etc, so didn’t know i had been ill. Obviously, I was like “Ahhh Charlotte, i love love love the books thank you” her reply was “do ya know, i saw them and thought straight away of you” goose pimples run up and down my arms and I’m feeling pretty blessed, I shared this with her and she explained “after our chat the other week, whilst at the conference you really inspired me when you were  talking about you wanting to write and about there being more to life than just work and your right”. Well Charlotte you have offically moved up a notch on me friendship audit!

I told her about me being inspired to start writing about my psychosis episode whilst being in portgual, after meeting and reading Kathryn Littlewoods book – Cultivating Mad Cow, (If you havent read it yet, its a steal on kindle £2.62 – Kathryn, I want commission!) I was talking and laughing about the time I went through me phase of being psychic, (Mystic Meg had fuck all on me then) being a serial cleaner, being able to read peoples minds and finally thinking i was John the Fucking Baptist, before crashing back down to earth in Middlewood Hospital, I love the fact that i can actually laugh about it now, thats some deep dark humour.

I got a call from Jo, me mate and had a lovely catch up with her whilst she wa waiting for her sandwich being made at a pub, they’ve been out walking with their psyco dog bracken and she was pretty chuffed wi her sen cos she’s signed up to national trust, doing her bit for the enviroment and all that… “Well it was more to do wi saving on parking and getting some  discounts” BUT Jo you WILL go to heaven and your contribution could well go towards fixing some of the countryside that Bracken has destroyed over the years OR towards therapy for the sheep! hahahaha.

I’m rambling, but what i suppose i wanted to say is, its days like today that remind me how blessed I am to have some wonderful people in my life, how depsite not knowing what I am doing or where this writing malarky will take me, its good to share, its good to be able to say #shithappens, I dont fucking care who you are, so try ya best to focus on the good things in your life, rather than the not so good. (easier said than done, I know), But the bottom line is we are only here once folks, make the fucking most of it

Signing off to do some more writing, cos that fucking book aint going to write its sen

Love Fordy x

 

 

 

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Fuck me its deep one today – Expectations

Hi Guys

had a great day today, defo on the up and up, i’m actually starting to feel half human again… So watch out

Had a Reiki session today, which was ACE the word for today is expectations, me and my reiki freind Sarah, talked about expectations, our own and others expecations of us. Interestingly, even before she came i’d already been throwing some words out eluding to expectation. Expectations can be good, it can be good to have expectations, they give you something to aspire to, but they can also be dangerous and unhealthy, particularly if your expectations of either yourself or of others, cannot be realistically met.

So todays blog folks is a poem,  YES  you heard me right “A poem by yours truly and its simply called”

Expectations 

I love you

But I am learning to love me more 

It’s took years of not loving myself

It’s going to take a few years to love me more 

I’ve lived a lifetime of self doubt 

I will no doubt spend the rest of my lifetime working it out 

Don’t expect to too much of me and I won’t let you down 

I’m trying to not expect too much of myself in an attempt to dissolve my frown 

In the mean time, please be patient 

I still care loads, more than you know 

Measure love by quality, quantity doesn’t count

Be true to yourself 

You can do no more 

Life without some self loving 

Is “well you know the score!” 

I’m taking time for me 

One day at a time 

Time to reflect

Time to be inspired 

Do me a favour, I don’t ask a-lot

Learn to love yourself 

Turn your frown upside down 

Please don’t expect much and I wont let you down 

Fordy x

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Happy Birthday Shauna

This post is dedicated to one of the most sensitive souls I know, to one of my closest and valued friends “Shauna Miller”

If i had to describe you Shauna? “I would describe you as a nice expensive bottle of Prosecco, containing millions of bubbles off…”

  • Optimism 
  • Hope
  • Passion 
  • Compassion
  • Desire
  • Questions 
  • Intelligence 
  • Humility 
  • Belief
  • Faith
  • Understanding
  • Dreams 
  • Creativity 

I know it is so much easier to see the best in others, especially when they cannot see it themselves, but for your Birthday, I wanted to give you something worth more than a physical gift, I wanted to remind you that you ‘are’ that bottle of prosecco and more, please

  • Continue being you Shauna
  • Please don’t ever change 
  • Continue being there for others around you
  • By all means share your Prosecco with others 
  • But save a glass for you
  • Get drunk on your bubbles 
  • Dont let them go flat!
  • And have the BEST Birthday surrounded by the ones you love x

All my love Tracey xxx

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Day 8 – Just your normal average fucking weirdo

 

Right folks – It was day five of feeling shit when i last posted, guess what? currently on day eight, went back to docs Monday, just to reassure myself i aint got no brain tumour or MS – I know I know, your thinking WTF!! trust me i think it about myself. If there is one thing i know about myself, its i am the worlds worst patient “ask pat the twat”. I thought i was picking up, then BOOM shit again and whats worse with a “fucking virus” there aint not magic antibiotics to take, just rest, rest, rest, rest – who wants to rest? NOT me

So all this RESTING aint good for me head. Resting too much just fucks with me noggin which brings back them negative thoughts, (your a failure, your a fraud) which then triggers my feelings, (feeling worse) which then triggers my behaviour (mardy bastard victim) then ultimatly my actions, which in my case have one BIG FAT FUCKING ZERO and the cycle begins AGAIN, but gets worse and more negative

So the past day or two i’ve been thinking “FORDY #haveaFUCKINGword” “lets get things into persepective.

The Book, when i’m low then all my postiveness about, this blog, the book goes straight outta the fucking window (so me just sharing this is an indication i am feeling better) So danielle, dont worry, there’s no need for the white coat men just yet 🙂 I’ve made a list

Since 15th of June I have

  • Ive written over 7000 words already
  • 21, 000 in this journal alone
  • Then theres this blog, there are over 33 article/blogs on there 
  • Connected to new people who can and and have offered to help with book
  • I wrote 3 chapters, thats 3 completely re-written chapters since actually straing 12th July

I have my two year plan –

  • 1st Draft by september 2019
  • 2020 getting it published 
  • 50th Birthday

I have also realised that all this self doubt is normal been reading up on it and i’m not alone there are LOADS of people who question themselves

Myself – I ought to have this FUCKING tattooed on me forehead

#SHITHAPPENS, but its how i deal with it that makes the difference, so i have been busy, as well as drinking shit loads of water and paracetamol, i have been working on re-building my selfesteem. I started re-reading chimp paradox, because that fucking negative chimp on me shoulder has been chatting far too much shit. Been researching Mindfulness and downloaded a book on kindle, need to start doing some more mindful exercises.

Be kind to myself – even whilst i have been off work, feeling shit here i have been giving out “advice” to friends but not taking any of my own!! “whats that all about?” I am one of the most compassionate people i know, i would be there for anyone,  but will put no time to be compassionate towards myself???

Any way i thought i would just touch base, I’m still writing (albeit not as much, but thats ok, because at least i AM writing)

Oh i also have a new addition to my desk, thank you to Sarah Willmott, for my felt plant, named “Willy Nilly” to the right of the plant is my new “writers manifesto” which is there as a reminder and postive reinforcement tool, to visually remind me what I have achieved so far.

 

 

If your having a shit day, please remember and trust me  “it happens to the best of us” 

Lots of love Fordy, thanks for reading x

 

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What will your regrets be?

Ola 

Not been writing, – (well i have been journaling, but you dont wanna see any of that, i’d be getting sectioned again). But because i have felt so shit the past few days, I have given me head a few days off and given your lot a break too…

To be fair i think the only time I allow mesen to be a 1000% victim is when i’m ill, poorly or feeling crap. I’ve gorged mesen on eating shit, even though i felt sick as a dog – I can even feel me stomach expanding as i eat, “But do i give a fuck at the time,?” Nah… do i fuck….

I get frustrated, because, i’m not doing anything productive! my body is saying “rest” but me mind is saying “NO”.

I’d had plans for this whole week and weekend. I had meetings i was looking forward to at work, handing holiday spice out and catching up with work mates. This weekend i had plans of babysitting, writing, cleaning the house, cleaning me sen and chilling. ALL of that ruined all because of a fuckign stupid virus!

BUT – GOOD NEWS IS I AM TURNING A CORNER, Today, is day 5 and is the first day i have started to feel a little human again, although, I’m not 100% i can see the wood from the tree’s, NOW i am regretting eating ALL the SHIT, but i reckon once i’m feeling proper over it, i can get back into me old routine and stop being a “Mardy Bastard VICTIM” and get back on track #shithappens after all…

I read an article in the Gardian online named “The top five regrets of the dying” Now you could say “this is Morbid?” OR you could say “this is a wake up call?”  personally i think the latter, i mean lets face it, we are going to die at some point! and I for one,”do not” want to be where ever i am thinking “Fuck, I wish i’d done …”

I read an article in the Gardian online named “The top five regrets of the dying” Now you could say “this is Morbid?” OR you could say “this is a wake up call?”  personally i think the latter, i mean lets face it, we are going to die at some point! and I for one,”do not” want to be where ever i am thinking “Fuck, I wish i’d done …”

Here are the top five regrets;

  1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me – Honestly i did this for many, many years (and still do at times) but i am aware of it. But truth be-told, trying to be who everyone expects you to be is fucking hard graft AND emotionally draining. You might have got into the habit of pleasing others, but that doesn’t mean to have to continue doing so?  Ask yourself “what have you done for yourself lately? what have you been wanting to do and haven’t done?” This might be a something simple of having a long soak in the bath, or booking onto that hairdressing course you have always wanted to do “SARAH”
  2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard – This is a tough one for me, i often get the passion for the people i work with confused with the need to make as much as a difference as i can. I hate injustice, particularly around people who are misjudged, as i belief everyone fucks up sometimes in life, their ain’t no instruction book for life, but they can move past it and move on AND others should let them. I know from a personal point of view (more recently) i am starting to remind myself that “I can only do so much” – Writing this book is hard graft, but its really personal to me and i know it is something “I” will be very proud of.
  3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. This is a BIGGY for me, because most of my unhappiness to date in my life, has been about not expressing my feelings, who I am, what I want out of life, ‘putting others feelings before my own’  Yes, this can make you feel good short term, but in the longer term, it don’t make you feel a happier person. Yes i want to be there for others, because this make me ‘Feel’ good, but ultimately you can not measure your own happiness based on other peoples feelings. Their feelings and happiness are ‘theirs alone’ and so are mine, i am the only person, who can make me ‘truly happy’ people around me do make me happy, but i don’t rely on them neither, now that would be too much pressure. 
  4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. – This is an easy on for me, friendship is very important, the article talks about not give friendships the time an effort they deserve, Personally i don’t believe friendships need to be hard work, true friendships come from being able to have an honest and open relationship, for all my most cherished friendships, i know that i don’t have to actually work that hard, because we don’t measure our friendship based on “how often we see each other” OR “how often we talk”. Because life “does” and “can”  get in the way, for both parties. But i know for sure, if i ever needed anyone of them, they would be there at my death bed.
  5. I wish i had let myself be happier – personally i do think this comes with age and life experience, but thats NO EXCUSE NEITHER “putting yourself first” doing what makes YOU happy, no one else! YOU… If you are not happy, then do something about it, don’t get me wrong #shithappens BUT we all have a choice in life how we are going to allow shit to define our lives. I could could spend my whole life blaming others OR circumstances for my unhappiness (and for a while i did) but ultimately once we stop blaming others, start taking some responsibly for myself and taking back some control, i have been the happiest i have in years. 

I have another one to add to the list though, in this place we call life, we literally get one shot at it, one of the my main motivators in life is to make the fucking best of the rest i have got left. I don’t want to be no victim on me death bed, Nah fuck that, I don’t want to be regretting nothing, i want to be known as someone who

  • I lived life to the fullest
  • Wasn’t afraid to speak out (well truth be known there are loads of times, but at least i tried to overcome the fear)
  • Was never afraid to share how i was feeling (this is a tough one too)
  • Did what “I wanted to do” and not what others expected of me (even if it upsets them)
  • Took risk’s knowing that they might not have worked out (thats life, it don’t always turn out like we want)
  • Acknowledges that #shithappened i dealt with it the best way i could at that time, with the knowledge and resources i had at that time.

Reet on that note, the housework is done, i have been asked if i would like to go shopping, but do you know what? i would like to, but i’d much prefer to do some more work on ‘this bastard book”

What ever you are doing, have a GREAT day and MAKE THE MOST of it

Love Fordy x

 

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