Well having returned from a fantastic relaxing short break away in Portugal with me bessie, i was looking forward to going back to work today. Unfortunately, my body says other wise, I started feeling shit, last night and woke up feeling worse. So rather than feeling sorry for Mesen, I thought I’d be productive and do some more writing.
Spoke to me sis, who is going through a pretty shit time at the moment, who is also #Shithappens no 1 fan, bless her. She reads all my blogs, but she hasn’t read any of my book yet. I told her i was sat writing so to cheer her up, I thought I’d share what I have written so far. I banged them into an email, sent it to her and waited for her to call me back when she’d read them. Sarah called back and thought they were great, now “obviously she’s going to say that” she said it took her back to her childhood too. I re-read them myself and honestly thought, ‘well they seem pretty boring to be honest. where am i going with all this?’ I don’t know why? but I kinda started to question why I was writing in the first place.
So started to read through my old hand written journal, its a red book and its been in my room since setting up me little office. But then I realised the one in my bedroom, actually wasn’t about dad at all (I was thinking, FUCK where are they then? Dont worry I found them downstairs, Phewww) it was actually a journal I started when I started having problems at Kickstart, a place I worked at years ago, in fact it was 2001. In the front of the book, were some self help exercises I had done, Christ I didn’t realise just how FUCKED up my head was after leaving that place. There had been some pretty dark moments in my life at that time, including feeling like I’d lost my
- Financial security
But do you know what I got from re-reading these dark times? I realised that all I’d been doing at the time was acknowledging how I was feeling. A lot of people don’t EVER do this, they just shrug shit off and carry on with life, or turn to substances to forget, something I did myself a long time ago. (But I digress)
My ramblings demonstrate how I was trying my best to stay busy and keep positive, the journal is full of daily action plans, to do list, with some reflection on how each day went. I also didn’t realise at the time, that I must have been drinking quite alot, there are many entries about me having a break, because I knew it wasn’t helping. There was mention of Dad, this must have been when he’d just got his own place, as he wasn’t as demanding at the time and he didn’t feature much to be honest. There was mention about me applying for new jobs, and fearing I wouldn’t even get short listed.
But the main thing I took from re-reading my fucked up journal is, just how far I have come, since then, which was actually 2001, over 17 years ago, the journal is full of disclosures about, the fear of the unknown, about self doubt, low confidence, questioning myself. But whilst I still doubt myself at times now, “and my blogs are testament to this, as you well know” I am a far stronger person than what I was back then.
After all, since then, I have won International, National and regional awards for my work. I got a degree, not bad for someone who left school with nothing, except a bill for me mom, for the exams I didn’t show up for.
My kids have since grown up into adults, with their own careers and life, christ I’m a frigging grandparent and heres me whittling about a fucking job. Which by the way I got, I remember getting the call from Bob Campbell, the then Manager at Phoenix House, I was sitting on the bottom stairs in my house and I just burst into tears, when he told me I had got it! God i love that that man, and I tell him every time I see him, because will never know what it meant to me for giving me a chance, and seeing something in me that i couldn’t see myself.
So I suppose the moral is, this writing malarky, whilst at times, might not make sense to some people, but for some reason, it makes sense to me now, just like it did all those years ago. I think it doesn’t matter who you are, you are always going to have times when you doubt yourself, some more than others. I am just hoping that in another 17 years, I can look back on my waffling, but this time though I will have captured part of my journey on here, this blog.
The book I am writing on, IS bringing back many memories, many that I have either forgotten about or Blocked out, some of these memories have also brought back to the surface some not so nice feelings, but ‘Thats ok’ some people turn to drugs or alcohol, I’m dealing with me shit, by writing about it.
Life is going to throw, shit at you and there is nothing you can do about it, just like me today, waking up feeling shit, I’m in no fit state for work, I ache all over and feel sick, but at least I’m still doing something ‘Turning up.’
So I did go downstairs and find me ‘Dad’ journals, I also found the Deirdre Barlow glasses, with no lenses in, that for some reason, I could never throw away. I think I reminds me of the time, we walked into the ward, to find dad wearing, these ladies pink, glasses and asking where the fuck had he got them from? According to him, they were someones from the next bed, “they never wore them, so I thought I’d use em”, he looked a right “twat” in em. I also come across the Sheffield Star, dated 31st March 2005, which contained dads obituary, something I had written, well before dad passed, it was long, and cost a ‘fucking fortune’ to be printed, because of all the words it contained. but I re-read it and then realised again, why I am writing about dad, “blood is thicker than alcohol”
You ached for perfection,
The perfect dad
Trying to make amends for the years we never had
Your were certainly unique
Never two the same
One minute we would be laughing
Then driving each other insane
But the time spent together
Sharing memories of one past, Is a gift you left us
That will be cherished, never forgotten, never lost.
Our only consolation, despite the heartache and pain
Is the special memories and time spent together, never to be again
Watching you sleep peacefully released from pain
Helps ease the sadness and knowledge, that we will never see you again
So for now rest in peace, you deserve that much
Rest in the knowledge that you were and will continued to be loved very much.
Reet, i’m off for some more tablets and to see if i can stomach eating owt
Love Fordy x