After a few months and the occasional question asking “if I am ok” I thought I would clear some things up, trust me this isnt coming from a bad place, thank you everyone who has cared to ask. Actually, i’m quite the opposite, i’m doing GREAT, better than i have in a long time.
Perhaps I need to be clearer at the beginning of the blog too? (i will do that later)
I am just a passionate person who fundamentally believes that there are far more people out there who are struggling in silence and who some times, (not always) find themselves struggling with life, this might be money, it might be relationships, it might be work?, it might be being a parent, I could be some one who feels that at times they are some times carrying the whole world on their shoulders. Trying to keep it all together, putting on a brave face, telling you “I’m fine” – which actually stand’s for “feelings inside not exposed” by the way…
They can tell you this, but deep down, you know they might not be 100%, and one thing I have learned and I believe to be true, is that for many, the main reason people wont tell you whats really going on for them because they, don’t want you to worry, they don’t want you to think or suspect they might be struggling – I mean what the fuck is that all about? have we becomed so socially conditioned to the point that, we cannot say “actually i’m not ok?”
This is particularly true in the world of recovery, “not coping” can be like a red flag to a fucking bull, everyone starts panicking wondering if you are about to relapse.
I work with addiction, I have been affected myself, and come out the other end (what ever that fucking means) I have watched my father, die slowly to his addiction, I work with people, who because of their inability to love themselves have simply “given up”, who are afraid of how they feel and afraid of who they perceive themselves to be!
I am surrounded by people I know who are all good people, who will doubt themselves at times and whilst I am very fortunate to have overcome my own addiction and Ilook ok, this doesn’t mean I am always 100% perfect and guess what “I am ok with this”, because that life!! #shithappens
I am not having a breakdown, I am not having a mid life crisis!,
I’m just like every fucker else, who is questioning shit, i’m just being a little more vocal about it.
Fuck me even saying that “mid life crisis” has just niggled me! I mean is being self reflective a sign of being in crisis? Nah it is fuck!, it just means your half way through your life and reflecting and #Havingawordwitheesen and asking yourself
“what do I want to achieve that I haven’t?”
“do I want to carry on worrying about things I cannot change?”
“Do I want to carry on dwelling about something that happened years ago?”
Some morbid twats when reflecting will just focus on, all the mistakes they have made or dwell on how they have been treated by others, or say “I wish I had done this OR I wish I hadn’t done that?” I don’t want to be that person and I aint, quite frankly got time for any of that shit!
But on a serious note: focusing on the negative 1) ain’t going to change owt 2) ain’t going to make you feel better about ya sen, the reality is whether you like it or not, is that #shithappens, this might be by your own doing, or someone else’s, but regardless it’s going to happen!
Its how you deal with the SHIT is what’s going to make the difference, of what could be a shit experience or a fucking life changing dire one, that you can sit back and dwell on for the rest of your life! YOU DO HAVE A CHOICE!
I have finally found a way “for me” that enables me to make sense of this life, working to maintain some sanity, when sometime’s it feels like we can be surrounded by insanity.
The difference between me and some people is that, I am not scared to talk about my feelings or share about the times I might be feeling vulnerable, because I believe that if more people WERE open and honest, they would be better equipped to deal with ANY Shit that is thrown in their direction.
So trust me when I say “i’m ok” if I’m not, I will tell you, I will reach out, I will ask for you to listen, I will give myself some time to step back, look at the BIG picture and #Havingawordwimesen.
If that means that I cannot be there for you when you might need me, its not because I don’t care, in fact it is quite the opposite, I am just busy caring for me sen for a change.
Thank you by the way, trust me, i havent shared this site with just anyone, i have shared this with just a few like minded people, like yourself.
Love Tracey x