That Fucking Book !

That “Fucking book”

Its been coming on slowly and I know that I have done more in the last three months than the last three years, and it will get finished, I have no doubts about that.  But something has been missing, and I think I might now know what it might be.

There has been an invisible barrier that pops up when it comes up when i start telling, writing the story and thats what I have realised today. I have always told myself that the book was about dad and mine and his relationship, but I dont think it is…

I remember vividly speaking to a woman, best selling author Kate Mitchell, The House Fell on Her Head who also happened to be my line manager in a past life, about my idea for the book. It was last year, and whilst I never acted on her advice then, I am now. Kate said to me,

“so what is your project about?”

I was thinking, ‘yeh i like the sound of that, approaching writing this book sounds less daunting when you call it a project’ her next question was about the project,

“So the book is about your dad right?

Yes …

But Tracey how can you write about your dads story of addiction, without telling your own too, what about your own addiction? what about what you have overcome and achieved”.

I remember thinking back then, ‘wooooah, eeeeeerr no, slow down – yes there will some bits of me in the story, but its not about me though, its about dad.  After all one of my main drivers, motivations for writing the book was to be able to share my experiances of being affected by alcoholism from the person, who wasnt drowning themselves, slowly killing themselves with alcohol, but from the person, who stood by feeling helpless, hopefully to help others and reassure them that all the guilt and anger is normal and part of the journey.

Writing about me sen just seemed self indulgent and fucking risky

Kate gave some great advice that day, she pointed me into the direction of some writing courses, writing clubs (which still to this day are not for me) she sent some books to help inspire and guide me through the post, which i read, contemplated with, but then the desire died a little again.

But now i realise it wasnt the desire that had gone, I was just overwhelmed with fear. I went away thinking “I need to rethink this” so i did. Another year of procrastination went by and here i am AGAIN.  A little more confident, a little more ready to bare a little more about who i really am, who i was back then. I mean i hadn’t set out to set up me own website or blogging, but here i am, and i have to say i am getting more and more confident about writing, the more i write.

Kate was right, if I am going to tell this story, i have to share a little about who I am, what shaped me as a person growing up, observations about what was happening around me, how this shaped my beliefs and values at the time.

So this writing malarky, my project, my book, is about me and dad, but  it is about the lessons i have learned over the years, its about the lessons i am still learning, and will still probably be doing right up until me death bed.

My life, like a snakes, it feels like i am constantly shedding my skin, many, many times over, each time learning something new about myself, who I see myself as, the lessons learned, lessons still being learned, every day.

So i have come to the conclusion, that this project, book ! will (hopefully be easier to write) because essentially its just as much about my journey as it is dads. 

But i have learned some things that i believe to be true over the years and it is this…

As individuals we have learned, if we can help it, to avoid painful situations at all cost ! Even at the cost of our own self esteem.

Some of us stopped questioning things – i see it all the time 

We have become programed to seek solutions outside ourselves

Its easier to seek advice from others, rather than listen to ourselves.

We have learned to trust the advice from others rather than trust ourselves. 

  • You cannot buy self esteem on the internet or in shops
  • You cannot rely on others to support or maintain your own self esteem!
  • You can though – Start learning to accept who you are, you are more than your looks, that loved ones love you regardless of how you look
  • You can ignore all them marketing messages and stop seeking approval from society to determine what’s socially perfect and what’s not !

You can start this today and its not hard, in fact its alot by simply making a little time for you, a little quiet space, space to think, to #Haveawordwetheesen Just step back for a while, from this thing we call life and make some time for you, start listening to YOU

And on that note, i’m off, its 07.53 Pat the Twat will start stirring soon, the morning routine of taking the piss out of me tapping away in me room at stupid o’clock on a saturday will comence, buti wouldn’t have it any other way. Its my eldest daughters birthday, fucking 31! where did the time go. I am on babysitting duties later, to give her a break from motherhood and give her some time to be free, only for a night though, but more importantly i get to spend some quality Nanny T time wi our Jude.

I hope you have a brilliant time what ever you have planned this week end, Love Fordy xxxxx

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letting go of yesterday

The amount of time we can spend worrying about, ourselves, they way we look,  other people,  what other people think, money, work, relationships, freindships, something that happend in the past you name it the list goes on….

For example, Monday i had the best day, whislt it was really really postive, i had been around some amazing people, but when i got home, i was fucking absolutely drained,  i was running on zero, the tank was empty.  Here’s an excert from my journal (Below) from Tuesday, because i was still thinking and worrying about what happened the fucking day before

Tuesday – Journal

I didn’t have so much anxiety as such about the BBC breakfast show, i thought fuck the bus this morning I was feeling more anxious about running late for the show and it was a good decision I was chuffed to find that me fave taxi driver was the one taking me down to the studio. Shit I have forgotten his name already, he was good to talk to him though, he’s down to earth, funny, just what I needed before going on air. 

I arrived to the studio early, to calm me nerves only to hear that as well as recovery month being talked about in their news items, so was the fact that Doncaster had launched a new pilot to tackle antisocial behaviour in their city centre, their definition of antisocial behaviour was cleaning the streets of SPICE heads and beggars. They had recruited two full time police officers, who’s role it was to sort this out and rid the streets of the “unweshed” the “zombies” There i was thinking “were already doing this in Sheffield?”

I had done me prep, worked out what messages I wanted to get across about recovery month in the show, before going in, but now I’m thinking ‘what if toby asks about Sheffield, or my thoughts on SPICE,’ considering I was there to talk about the other headline ‘Recovery month’. I decide to take some more notes, some headlines on what we were doing in Sheffield, just incase. Personally I was thinking this was a great opportunity for Sheffield to plug whats already being done in Sheffield to tackle spice and if they ask about begging I can also plug the help us help work.

I get into the booth and tobys sat there, I know already from listening to him that he’s been surprisingly been giving a well balance opinion in his responce  about donny. I settle me sen in me chair and we have a little chat, whilst the weather update was on and so I ask him, “what you planning on asking me then?” He replied “he didn’t know”. so i went for it, i said, “if you want to ask me about SPICE you can because have already been doing loads of work.”

All was going well, they played the interview with Dave and Pat, so it was a great introduction to talk about recovery month, I managed to get me thank you’s in for BBC radio Sheffield and the staff. The notes that I had taken at 1am the previous morning when I couldn’t sleep, just flowed. “addiction isn’t new, its been around for years, but so has support for people who are dependent, all the services are open access, no need for an appointment, just rock up.” Then toby asked about SPICE and I mentioned the SPICE training, empathising with businesses, trying to reassure something was being done, I talked about the SPICE clinic and the fact 4 of our most prolific were using it, I also got in the advice from Help us help. Before I knew it I was done, I was getting a pic for the FB page, saying bye to Amy and off to work.

As I left the building my knees were shaking, my hands were, I was immediately trying to re-record what I had just said in those 5 minutes. FUCK I was suppose to the there plugging recovery month and end up talking more about SPICE and begging!

I got a couple of messages saying well done, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy until I got into the office to play rewind. Well apart from sounding like a fucking seal, begging for its next fish treat “erm, erm, erm, fucking erm, I need to stop saying erm” 

The morning was going great, I had nothing taxing planned or urgent to to, I was able to listen into the rest of BBC radio show, from 9-10, is generally when the neanderthals start stirring or waking up and calling in with their cave man statements of “its their own fault” or the twat who called in saying that “drugs should be legalised, then the temptation to want them wont be there anymore and it would tackling on street dealing ” I’m thinking what the actual fuck! “what about alcohol ya pleb? So this will stop back street dealing ”. To be honest the most of the neanderthals must have still been asleep, cos the majority of the calls were pretty sympathetic and understood that this was a complex issue. 

After the Paulette show and Kerrys interview, I took me sen into a small room, downloaded a recording app on me phone to record and upload the interviews on FB, after recording Kerrys slot for 20 mins, I found out that I had to fucking upgrade and pay more to share the fucker! It took me another 20 minutes to work out how to do it. Then I get a message of our Pat, saying “Trace im confused the event on facebook says it starts at 12, I thought it was 5?” I’m like “FOR FUCK SAKE” I was straight back onto facebook, but had forgotten how to edit the event, ‘could I find it? could I fuck?’ I can feel me anxiety levels building up, I am trying to #haveawordwimesen but all i end up doing is having a full blown fucking argument wi me sen instead!

“Great I have fucked up big time here AND its not even my event” 

“Calm down it will be reet”

“How will it be reet, when 20 odd people have already said they are coming, but they will all turn up at fucking 12?”

Don’t worry the majority of the service users will know what time it is!, calm down ffs”

“What about them that dont, they rock up at 12, but cannot come back at the actual start time?” 

Still arguing wi me sen, I am trying to work out how to edit the event page and I get another ping in me inbox from Maria – ‘Tracey what time does this event start?” OMFG the cycle of anxiety ramps up another level, then Richard calls, its 11.30  “i’m at the exhibition and they have said it doesn’t start until 5pm?” Armed with apologise, I explain I got it wrong and was currently trying to rectify me fuck up, I was worried that not just him, but everyone else who had planned to come to the event, wouldn’t be able to come back, then not as many will be there to support the event. I know its not about quantity, but fuck me having an audience at a launch event would be nice. I could hear it now” I did come, it said 12, but when I got there I was told 5”. 

The i had a very emotional encounter with a guy, who was very vulnerable and scared – i wont go into that, all i will say is that htis poor guy was one of those “so called zombies” another outcast from fucking society” as i said before i was utterly drained, i couldnt think straight, i was emotionally drained i was spent. But, as you can tell, i did spend some time, took some thinking time out for me sen to reflect on that days events. I mean after all it was still having an effect the fucking day after…..

Expections is a big thing for me, #havingawordwemisen helps me to work out, just just my own expecations but of others around me. But by learning to understand my expectations, whether they are too high, un-achievable, un- realistic, i am learning to be less hard on me sen.

In the past three months i have been spending some time going back to basics – well you know i have if you have been following this blogging malarky (as well as writing the book)

Learning to manage our own thoughts can be hard, because alot of us have lost the ability to actually think for ourselves. life becomes so much easier if some one tells us what to do.

How much time do you spend worrying?  Because i dont know about you, but i can worry about fucking everything. Then worry, is closley followed by fear, fear is always hiding behind our worrying

learning to manage your own feelings and emotions can also be hard, because we have learned to suppress alot of them. Its normally ok to express happy ones, if they are not so happy they can make us feel uncomfortable and can be unconfortable for those around us too “and we dont want that do we !” That was sarcasm by the way…

Learning to understand how our thoughts and feelings affect our actions / re-actions – how we react to certain situations, or more often than not over react 

Then ultimatly learning how all of the above combine and shape our our behaviours and attitudes, our approach to people, to work, to freindships, relationships.

I have been writing now consistently for just over three months and during that time, despite all the ups and downs, if have never been happier in myself, the book, that started this all off, is slowly coming on, which is good, my writing is coming on I’ve never been as content – life is good and do you know why?

Because i have started to spend more time focusing on ME my attitude is changing, i am starting to learn i cannot always rescue everyone, change them or make them feel better about themselves, i cannot change peoples attitudes or behaviours, BUT i can my own.

So im signing off with one  question for you

“What are you doing for YOU today?”

 

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Are you a sad fuck

FOMO – fear of missing out 

I start to stir 

Tired and sleepy

Wondering how long if left before the phone starts to ring

Still half asleep, memories of a dream that is drifting away 

The alarm sounds, fuck its time to get up

I reach for me phone, and think fuck it, I’ll snooze

I lay there stirring wondering whats occurring 

I can see the gossip

It lights up the phone

The temptation to look

What have I missed?

Its hard to ignore 

Tempted by the gossip that lay in store 

I give into temptation

I’m still half asleep

Scrolling down the screen

FOMO – fear of missing out 

But its the same old shit

Someone moaning, or gloating 

Someone got pissed the night before 

Reminiscing about their antics the night before 

Pictures of kids, going back to school

People on hols having the time of their lives 

No worries or fears 

Just sun and beers 

Wishing that I could be there too

I start to become more alert

Half an hour has gone 

I look at me phone

Some of my day has already gone

What a wast of time 

I think about me 

What have i got planned

The spell is broken 

Its time to get up

#Haveawordwithee sen

You sad fuck

You only get one life

Don’t waste it 

Your thoughts are precious 

Get obsessed with them

Get back to being to be “true to ya sen”

Who cares what other people are doing 

You only get one life 

Don’t be a sad fuck

You make your own luck

Forget everyone else 

Just focus on you 

Have a fab day 

What ever you have got planned 

Think for yourself 

Instead of taking tips and advice from la la land

 

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Give your sen a fucking break” lifes hard enough without you being hard on ya sen an all”

Have done alot of reflection this week, despite and rocky 1st day back at work Monday after being off ill, each day has got better and better. I previosuly wrote about life being one big transaction and about how easy it is to slip into the bollox we call life, society, societies norms, societies expectations, our own expectations we place on ourselves. I mean, for fucks sake i’m guilty of it me sen, knowing it and practicing to be kinder to me sen, is actually harder than people think!

How often have you come across a friend, whose not doing so good, whose having a bad time, feeling low, what do you do? Well i know for all of you who are signed up to this blog, each and everyone of ya, would be there, sat beside them, reminding and reassuring them, saying any or if all of the following

  • Your going to be ok!
  • You’ve done amazing!
  • Look how far you have come?
  • Your not fat!
  • Your just having a bad day – “it will pass, i promise”
  • So what if you have made mistakes? “everyones made em, no ones perfect”
  • I’m always here to listen, if you need to talk
  • Bottling it up wont help – “problem shared and all that!”
  • Stop worrying about what anyone else thinks!
  • Everyone makes mistakes – “its learning from them that counts”
  • Your not weird – “fuck me, I’m weird”
  • Your not ugly!
  • Stop comparing yourself – “everyones different”
  • Stop giving yourself a hard time!

I am only just starting to realise, after all these 48 years, that in fact “Life doesnt have to be that hard” again, i have previously talked about expectations and expectations from society, but to be honest, I am coming to realise that most of the time, we cannot blame society, because if we are all honest with ourselves, alot of our expectations are fucking self inflicted.

All those reassuring reminders and reassurances that ‘we’ as good mates or relatives are always quick to be there for others, but “NOT OURSELVES” “whats that all about?”

I have not been on here much, but i have been journalling daily and when i think about it, it all comes back to the same thing whether we like it or not #shithappens but by taking a little time out everyday to #haveawordwiyasen, talk to yourself, just like you would with a loved one or freind who is having a bad day.

Take time out to step back and to think about the little things. So for me this this week at work has been a magical one. I’ve had one of the best weeks in a long time , i’m going to share with you some excerts from my journal this week AKA #havingawordwimesen

Wednesday Society has become one big transaction, “not doing anything without conditions or expectations of something in return. I think thats perhaps what I have been doing to a certain extent. Whilst deep down the desire to see others grow has always been there, I think I have also been treating my giving as my own personal Transaction, for the feel good factor, The feeling you get in return from some one being indebted to you. the feeling that you know you have made a difference and whilst that is nice, that cannot and should not be the man driver. 

Reconnecting people in a disconnected society “thats my passion, my desire” to encourage people to reconnect with themselves firstly, but then to reconnect with their families, communities around them. Positivity breeds positivity. And recognising and celebrating those connections is important part of the process. I’m not sure how I can do this or how I am doing it, but I think I am on the right track. 

The darker periods of self contemplation, self doubt sometimes feels like giving birth, you trust that all the pain and discomfort will be worth it, because you are creating something magical, creating new life and new and happier, contented you, someone who is learning to reconnect with who you really are. 

All the day to day life transactions, going to work in return for a wage are superficial on the grand scheme of things what really counts is as human being we care about each other.

Thursday Not just ourselves, not just our families, but the wider community, including those people who frustrate us, who risk undermining positive connections. This also includes the media, press, government, who are not necessarily undermining the potential for connectivity for selfish or evil reasons they do what they do, based on what they see as being part of one of life essential transactions, thats their purpose, whether it is superficial its all that they know or understand. One of the reasons could be that they have allowed society to program them with the illusion that status equates to purpose. 

I always say the best thing that ever happened to me was going into Middlewood, and do you know why? Because being in there I was for a short time, sheltered from all the “BULLSHIT” expectations, demands, feeling under pressure to conform, be normal even though I felt emotionally SHIT, working for this to pay for that, being judged for expressing how I was really feeling, not being listen too. Now dont get me wrong, I HAD lost the plot somewhat, but deep down underneath my ramblings., ultimatly all I had been trying to do is say “STOP THE FUCKING WORLD I WANNA GET OFF” I’VE HAD ENOUGH’ During my time in there, I was given the space to breath, to think, to reassess me! I was able to just for then couple of weeks say “FUCK YOU” to everyone and everything around me on the outside. 

Now I am not about to suggest you should get sectioned, you dont have to even let yourselves get that far gone! But you can do something to help yourself ! YES YOU on your own, you probably don’t need no therapist (although and good friend to talk to does help, but they are free)

Friday at work was magical, started with the ask for Angela meeting, being mindful of the principles of the thinking environment. It was like magic, watching people around the table, opening up more and more about their ideas and thoughts – which in fact were brilliant everyone came away feeling excited and inspired, which for a couple of hours work is priceless.

Bumping into Dom the artist, offering him the opportunity to share his work at the recovery exhibition, inviting a fucking random stranger to recovery launch. It just felt so right, time will tell. 

Saturday On the whole as weeks go this one has improved every day, its been a long week, but a good one. After coming back from sick leave, I was feeling really anxious about not totally feeling 100% – well I wasn’t was I, but today, sat here in the sun, feeling relaxed. Head was going 1000 miles an hour this morning, self imposing demands, get ironing done, rest, take ya time, relax, which I did and I got more done than I have previously anticipated.

Now you are probably thinking “AND?”  and if i’m honest i’m not even sure why i am sharing this? perhaps its my way of trying to explain that “for me” off loading my thoughts, is and has been really therapeutic, even the times i find it hard to find the time, I find time, i now have me little note book (me gift off charlotte) to off loads any thoughts or observations, but what i am doing is MAKING TIME FOR ME! and it makes ME feel better.

Now i am not suggesting that you go off and purchase a fucking £900 quid computer (that still needs paying for by the way) or getting up first thing in a morning to write (summat our old man is starting to get used to). 

But what i am saying is “do yourself a favour? for me?”

  • Take (even if its ten minutes) time out for YOU each day
  • Do something that “YOU” want to do
  • If your having a shit day, nature yourself, like you would to a friend
  • Be thank full that YOU are actually breathing, YES breathing, this is soooo taken for granted, because when you stop “you certainly aint going to be worrying anymore, Trust me” 
  • Dont just message a mate, call them, spent 5 minutes catching up have a proper conversation

And finally “give your sen a fucking break” lifes hard enough without you being hard on ya sen an all”

Reet now i got that off me chest, i’m off to work on me book, have a GREAT weekend x Love Fordy

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