That “Fucking book”
Its been coming on slowly and I know that I have done more in the last three months than the last three years, and it will get finished, I have no doubts about that. But something has been missing, and I think I might now know what it might be.
There has been an invisible barrier that pops up when it comes up when i start telling, writing the story and thats what I have realised today. I have always told myself that the book was about dad and mine and his relationship, but I dont think it is…
I remember vividly speaking to a woman, best selling author Kate Mitchell, The House Fell on Her Head who also happened to be my line manager in a past life, about my idea for the book. It was last year, and whilst I never acted on her advice then, I am now. Kate said to me,
“so what is your project about?”
I was thinking, ‘yeh i like the sound of that, approaching writing this book sounds less daunting when you call it a project’ her next question was about the project,
“So the book is about your dad right?”
“But Tracey how can you write about your dads story of addiction, without telling your own too, what about your own addiction? what about what you have overcome and achieved”.
I remember thinking back then, ‘wooooah, eeeeeerr no, slow down – yes there will some bits of me in the story, but its not about me though, its about dad. After all one of my main drivers, motivations for writing the book was to be able to share my experiances of being affected by alcoholism from the person, who wasnt drowning themselves, slowly killing themselves with alcohol, but from the person, who stood by feeling helpless, hopefully to help others and reassure them that all the guilt and anger is normal and part of the journey.
Writing about me sen just seemed self indulgent and fucking risky
Kate gave some great advice that day, she pointed me into the direction of some writing courses, writing clubs (which still to this day are not for me) she sent some books to help inspire and guide me through the post, which i read, contemplated with, but then the desire died a little again.
But now i realise it wasnt the desire that had gone, I was just overwhelmed with fear. I went away thinking “I need to rethink this” so i did. Another year of procrastination went by and here i am AGAIN. A little more confident, a little more ready to bare a little more about who i really am, who i was back then. I mean i hadn’t set out to set up me own website or blogging, but here i am, and i have to say i am getting more and more confident about writing, the more i write.
Kate was right, if I am going to tell this story, i have to share a little about who I am, what shaped me as a person growing up, observations about what was happening around me, how this shaped my beliefs and values at the time.
So this writing malarky, my project, my book, is about me and dad, but it is about the lessons i have learned over the years, its about the lessons i am still learning, and will still probably be doing right up until me death bed.
My life, like a snakes, it feels like i am constantly shedding my skin, many, many times over, each time learning something new about myself, who I see myself as, the lessons learned, lessons still being learned, every day.
So i have come to the conclusion, that this project, book ! will (hopefully be easier to write) because essentially its just as much about my journey as it is dads.
But i have learned some things that i believe to be true over the years and it is this…
As individuals we have learned, if we can help it, to avoid painful situations at all cost ! Even at the cost of our own self esteem.
Some of us stopped questioning things – i see it all the time
We have become programed to seek solutions outside ourselves
Its easier to seek advice from others, rather than listen to ourselves.
We have learned to trust the advice from others rather than trust ourselves.
- You cannot buy self esteem on the internet or in shops
- You cannot rely on others to support or maintain your own self esteem!
- You can though – Start learning to accept who you are, you are more than your looks, that loved ones love you regardless of how you look
- You can ignore all them marketing messages and stop seeking approval from society to determine what’s socially perfect and what’s not !
You can start this today and its not hard, in fact its alot by simply making a little time for you, a little quiet space, space to think, to #Haveawordwetheesen Just step back for a while, from this thing we call life and make some time for you, start listening to YOU
And on that note, i’m off, its 07.53 Pat the Twat will start stirring soon, the morning routine of taking the piss out of me tapping away in me room at stupid o’clock on a saturday will comence, buti wouldn’t have it any other way. Its my eldest daughters birthday, fucking 31! where did the time go. I am on babysitting duties later, to give her a break from motherhood and give her some time to be free, only for a night though, but more importantly i get to spend some quality Nanny T time wi our Jude.
I hope you have a brilliant time what ever you have planned this week end, Love Fordy xxxxx