Resilience 122 days on

The word resilience has been mentioned a few times over recent days, so i googled it and here’s a definition I found

Psychological resilience is the ability to, successfully cope with a crisis and to return to pre-crisis status quickly. Resilience exists when the person uses “mental processes and behaviors in promoting personal assets and protecting self from the potential negative effects of stressors”.

Feeling pretty proud of myself today, I have been doing a little bit of reflection on where I was in myself, it was actually 122 days ago. I remember it well, I had just returned from an amazing chilled holiday in Greece for two weeks, I had had, two whole weeks away from the day to day stresses of family and work and I felt lighter, calmer, relaxed, chilled but there was something there niggling me, like an invisible ball and chain.  I knew that as soon as I returned to work, got back into the old routine I would be back to the same old stress head, running around trying to do and be anything and everything to others around me.

Whilst away on my holiday I had called my old Mate Mick Holmes to see how he was doing, I was sat on the beach, rubbing it in, whilst he was back on in Sheffield.  Don’t ask me why, but I had this urge, desire, need to have a catch up with Mick as soon as I returned off holiday. I couldn’t wait a week though, I needed to speak to him ASAP, so the day after I returned, there I was sat with Mick drinking hot chocolate outside a local pub in Ridgeway.  We talked about many things, Micks got his own shit going on too, it wasn’t all about me, but I shared about my fear of going back into old habits.

I shared my thoughts about being three quarters into my life, and actually even though it feels a long way away, its not, also I have lost people to illness (sudden illness) fuck me, Mick who I am speaking to, still doesn’t know if he’s got aggressive cancer, he’s in his fifties and I’m complaining about myself. whilst I loved my job and still do, it just felt that I was constantly giving, giving and not saving anything back for me!

I just want to be able to look back at 50 and say, yeh I turned up! I mean really turned up. Rather than sitting mopping around, waiting for the 50th party to come around, I can actually look back and say “you finished the book” and celebrate the achievement.

I was also sick of drinking the relentless habit of getting home on a Friday evening coming home, cracking open a few beers, followed with some wine with a meal of takeaway, but then waking up on a Saturday morning feeling shite then doing the same thing over again on Saturday night.  it’s no fucking wonder I’ve never done anything significant apart from the occasion inspirational attempt to get into a routine.- so I decided on having a month off the beer.

Mick said “you know they say, you need to create the environment you want” I knew what he was saying, but how? then I had a ‘lightbulb moment’  I have my own bedroom, why not change it, create my own space, a space for writing and being me? – Straight after meeting Mick, I was heading to Ikea to purchase a desk, notice board and nice plant for my new office

During my conversation with Mick, I got emotional, it was like I like I’d heard myself, really heard myself for the first time in a long time and I realized that there was no wonder I felt like something was missing, because I had stopped hearing or listening to myself. That hour chat with Mick was just the wake-up call I needed, I made a pact with myself that I was going to start doing something for me – so every morning for the past 122 days I have got up earlier to sit, write and reflect, “have a word wi me sen” and I can tell you its the best thing that I have ever done in years.

Just an hour a day, even if its 10/30 mins I make sure I do something for me, just take some time out to have a check in on me sen, I haven’t needed any fancy therapist, because I have learned that the best therapist we will ever have is ourselves. all we need to do is stop for a while, get off the roller coaster, we call life and #haveawordwioursens

My physiological and emotional resilience when dealing with day to day crap, either at work or at home have improved no end, I’m less stressed, I’m calmer, I’m able to think things through a little more rather than reacting and jumping into situations like a bull in a china shop. and as a result, I have never been so productive at work neither! BONUS

So what’s changed in the past 122 days?

  • The book – now has some structure, I have completed 4 chapters
  • My personal journal the place where I #haveawrodwimesen was gone from a paragraph to 46,000 words
  • Learned how to set up a website
  • Started this blog
  • Found the courage to share my fears and anxieties on here, mainly to highlight that #shithappens all the time, but we do have a choice how we deal with it AND learning its ok to have a shit day.
  • I’m drinking less, I feel clearer
  • I’ve found I am dealing with my own shit a lot better
  • I’m thinking clearer
  • I’m on track to get that fucking book finished for me 50th

We only live once guys trust me, learn to stop listening to all the bullshit society throws at us on a fucking daily basis, its bleeding relentless and take some time out to listen to ya sen and work on your own resilience

Love Fordy x

 

 

 

 

 

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I don’t get it? 

 

I get it that when I was growing up in the 70’s our environment or society was very different to what it looks like nowadaysHaving to make plans in advance, because there were no mobile phones if you were late, you were late, people left without ya. Having a house phone but that was strictly for emergencies, and calling your friend wasn’t an emergency in our house.

I get that there is so much more choice nowadays than there was back then -One TV in the house and having to compromise or fight over what programs we wanted on. Three TV channels, then there were four, then they were really pushing the boundaries with the introduction of channel 5. Rushing home after school so you didn’t miss neighbours or home and away because if you did you were screwed, cos there were no pause, record or catch up.

If you wanted to fit in, oh the lengths you had to go toResorting to mixing sugar and water to style your hair, because hair products weren’t a necessity and mother couldn’t justify putting it on the strict weekly shopping list. Trying to make the best of the FREE school uniform, attempting to adjust it so it resembled the latest fashion, rolling them fucking knee length socks into ankle socks and failing miserably. Going to school knackered on a Friday morning after the early morning market for shoes, scrambling, fighting for the one Rabina branded shoe in your size then having to fight against a load of other women for the other shoe that matched the one in your hand. 

Nowadays I get it, I get that its normal for every kid to have a mobile phone, I get that they have access to the wider world through the worldwide internet, I get that they can stalk (i mean) follow their friends every move, location via snapchat, I get that there is so much more choice now, fuck me from 5 TV channels to hundreds, being able to pause, record and catch up, Christ  nowadays you don’t miss out on anything – ya lucky fuckers

What I don’t get is, how despite all the external, environmental and social changes that people can use this as an excuse for not thinking for themselves, we haven’t changed as humans, after all we still shit in the same, we still fart the same, even though nowadays you can get a spray to squirt down the bog to disguise the smell from your rancid shit or wear pants that make your farts smell nice and floral? Fuck me whats that all about? 

There was never any magic money tree down the garden like there were back then and there ain’t one now, but yet people seem to think that its normal to spend money you haven’t got, just to appear like they “have something” to have nothing or appear to have nothing nowadays equates to being a social leaper. 

But it only does “if you buy into that illusion” buying into that illusion that by having your lips pumped up to the size of fucking melons “you’ll be happier” or buying into the illusion that if you erase all the signs of aging, by filling in your creases you won’t age “Well Hello! Telegram for Mongo! We all age, we all die at some point” 

I do actually feel sad when I see young girls and young guys, buying into all this social conditioning, the illusion, being brainwashed in thinking that by pursuing the dream to look perfect on the outside you are going to be accepted socially and be happy, but it’s all superficial. 

The pursuit of perfection ain’t going to make you feel better on the inside, well I might temporarily in the longer term all they are doing is avoiding dealing with their emotions. Just like shitting, which is perfectly normal, natural by the way we all have thoughts, feelings, and emotions to manage, that hasn’t changed, we haven’t changed, no product can manage your feelings and emotion, but they can affect your thoughts. 

That’s why I am so passionate about encouraging people to question everything, think for yourself, pursue what YOU want to do oppose to what’s “socially” expected, pursue the stuff that money cannot buy like friendships, friendships that take years of investment and not the monetary kind of investment. Invest in what makes YOU happy. If chasing the next best thing is getting exhausting then fucking STOP doing it, let it go, learn to accept and love yourself, because trust me that’s a lot more attractive to the opposite sex than an inflated fake ass and lips despite what the media says…

Right that’s my morning reflection rant over with

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Waiting for the shitstorm to pass

Had a lovely, relaxing and chilled weekend and wasn’t it? so much for the friggin weather forecast? Clear and dry? My arse, Nah, it wa frigging raining, sleeting and Baltic. The best part of my whole weekend was catching up with friends and loved ones, I spent a rare night in with the youngest Friday night who is over from Manchester, went walking on Saturday a spontaneous arrangement made a couple of days before, I visited my lil sis for a catch up, helped out with babysitting duties then the old man came home from his weekend away, Sunday dinner, Sunday siesta, Sunday night film, and poof the weekend went just like that!

Saturday morning started well, well as well as can be expected, I do not miss the early morning tantrums and mardiness from me kid, who is 26 by the way? I wonder if they just revert back to being a kid when they are back at home? So after refusing to take my youngest to Maccy dee’s, because the lazy shit didn’t get up early enough, being called the worst mom ever, me accusing my youngest of being just another entitled millennial, all banter of course lol. I went to pick Ollie an old friend up to meet Sarah a newish friend for a walk in ecci woods.

Chewing the fat with Sarah, Ollie and the dog of course who names escapes me, but that doesn’t matter cos I weren’t talking to the dog.  This was the first time that Sarah and Ollie had met, both have a mutual interest in research and academia, I guessed they would get on and guess what I was right!

Between us we talked about bleeding all sorts, from kids, parenting, entitlement, millennial’s, work, partners, attitude, gratitude, personal interests, reiki, racism, writing, stigma, NLP, alcoholism, drug addiction, social media, press, recovery, arrogant academics, meditation, other peoples egos and our own, other dog walkers, education, fears, anxieties, future goals and aspirations, our values, you name it, we covered a lot of shit. The walk was finished off at the local cafe, freezing our tits off sat outside putting the world to rights. What was meant to be a two hour walk, turned into three but it was good to do something different. 

Whilst all our experiences and stories were different. we have all weathered our own personal shit storms, we all agreed on one thing and that was despite everything that we had been through previously, we had all between us learned some very valuable life lessons

  • The importance of looking after ourselves
  • The importance of checking in on ourselves
  • The importance to make time for ourselves
  • The importance of taking responsibility for ourselves 
  • Being able to reflect without blaming 
  • Being at a stage in our lives where we don’t feel like we are responsible for everything 
  • Knowing our personal boundaries and learning how not to comprise them for the sake of others 
  • The importance of letting go
  • Recognising the challenges that come from learning to let go
  • Accepting and acknowledging that shit happens

But what I loved most about it was there was no shaming, (well apart from the academics) there was no blaming others and being able to recognise that after years of being spoon fed bullshit from a blame and shame society we finally feel like we are working out how to have a better relationship with ourselves, thinking for ourselves, working shit out for ourselves 

Working out our own shit without needing permission from others. learning not to get sucked into societies illusion or the consumer culture that is very good at manipulating us to want more, more, more. Underneath all the hype and marketing is the implication that more is always better. I bought into this idea for years and quite frankly I am starting to understand that less is more. Blaming and shaming gets no fucker anywhere. Plus it generates such a negative vibe/energy.  It was so nice and liberating to be able to share some of our fuck ups and be ok with it, because we all recognised and more importantly that #shithappens all the friggin time and all we can do is deal with it the best we can, so when the shit storm hits you just have to trust yourself, weather the storm until it passes, because it always passes. 

if you are in the middle of a shit storm, remember you will have weathered plenty before and they always pass.

 

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Blood is Thicker than Alcohol – The introudction V1

 

After a great day yesterday and a lot of reflection, I think (for now) I may have managed to get to version 1 of the introduction for the book, after all, that’s the part everyone reads first, right? so thanks to Sarah and Ollie for a great day yesterday, Ollie thank you for the book, it helped me edit and have a rethink. So here goes…


Why am in writing this book, well it’s not just to share mine and dads story, I am hoping that you get more out of it than that, this isn’t a pity book neither, I am just sharing my own personal experience. After years and years of craving dads love and attention, wanting him to be there when I was at my most vulnerable, to reassure me and put a comforting arm around me and tell me everything will be ok, wanting him to be more like the other dads. 

Did it take to me getting to 38? Years old for the shoe to be on the other foot, YES! All them years craving his attention, he now craved ours, dad needed me, he needed my sister, he relied on us to care from him, he needed reassurance, emotional support. Living with family and friends would question “why are you doing that? He wouldn’t have done the same for you?” or “When was your dad around when you needed him?” “He’s a selfish bastard, always was and always will beHe doesn’t deserve you as a daughter!”.

I heard it, I listened, I listened when I didn’t want to, I took the digs, I put dad before my own kids and put a newfound pressure on my personal relationships with my partner. I took it from family, from work colleague’s I was functioning in permeant fight or flight mode.

But quite simply I didn’t know why I went back from more, like a friggin boomerang I would kick back, step back then go back for more. And I never understood why? I also used to think it was me who thought and felt like I did but I have realised that I wasn’t alone, from sharing my story times over, about growing up, my relationships, my addiction, dealing with dads addiction, I wasn’t alone in my thoughts fears, anxieties, confusion, hurt, sadness and anger.

I am also writing it because when we are not coping or we are going through some life crisis its is so easy to get sucked into societies illusion or the consumer culture that there is a fix for everything. The same illusion that that is very good at manipulating us to want more, more, more. Fuck me it is no wonder people feel so fucked up. Chasing the dream when in reality the answer to all of our questions, our fears, our anxieties that are already there in us. Underneath all the hype and marketing is the implication that more is always better. I bought into this idea for years and quite frankly what I have learned to understand over the years is that less is in fact more. Blaming and shaming get’s no fucker anywhere.

There is a lot to be said for sharing your story with strangers, you might not think it, but as you listen to other peoples stories you realise you are not alone, they too have felt experienced similar fears, anxieties, confusion, hurt, sadness, anger, and frustration. Talking, sharing with others can and does help with the insanity of addiction, in fact, life in general and let’s face it, addiction or not, life is and can be pretty shit, whether is of our own doing or others. 

Sharing can give you a respite from the isolation, respite, from the thoughts and feelings of shame, seeing things clearly for a fleeting moment relief from the hurt and pain. But it also gives you the space to think, to think through your fears, to think through your anxieties, think about solutions and this, in my opinion, is highly underrated. I cannot count the number of times I have spoken to someone in crisis face to face or over the phone suggesting that they should try getting some support for themselves and them to turn around and say “but I haven’t got a problem? Just tell me how to solve or fix this other person and I’ll be ok” 

The fact still remains we all have choices in life, some harder than others but once they are made you have to live and deal with the consequences. We can only be responsible for ourselves, but knowing it and doing it are two completely different things. 

It’s a slow process, it can be scary, after all, you are not used to baring your soul, the journey is different for everyone, each unique, but you always need to remember, your healing journey starts with surrender and learning to look inside yourself. 

The shittiest bit for people to get their head around is, knowing that sometimes, in order for them to facilitate the best for someone they love, is to move away, back off, not just for their sanity, but for the person who is addicted. Because, again, the bottom line is “The only person who can help the addict, is the addict themselves” Now I’m not saying don’t help, but there are ways you can help whilst learning to retain some of your own sanity at the same time.

I don’t know anyone whose life ambition was to become an addict, “Do you?” I know I certainly didn’t, and I can confidently speak on the behalf of my dad and my aunt who passed away a few years later from alcohol abuse, that they didn’t either? And then there are all the other poor souls, in fact, there are fucking millions of them out there suffering in silence.

Addiction is a bastard, we all get that, or else YOU Wouldn’t be reading this, would you? Or are you someone from school who’s just a nosey git? Ha ha ha that’s ok, I’m a nosey git too and I am not ashamed of my life to date, in fact, I am pretty proud of it even the shit bits.

We have every fucker in the addiction field arguing about whether or addiction is a disease or self-inflicted.  People arguing, banging on about how their approach/model to addiction is the best one to cure you, and individuals buy into this, for the private sector, business is booming, especially when we live in a society there is a cure for nearly everything. I mean the advances in medical science are mind-blowing but yet scientist doesn’t have a cure for addiction? 

“What about those who aren’t addicted, who might never have taken a single drug in their life?” but are now through no fault of their own thrown into the fucked up realm of addiction. Its shit, I get it, it’s not fair, I get “you didn’t ask for it?” I mean who in their right mind fucking would? it but the bottom line is you will have to whether you like it or not going to have to ask yourself “how am I going to deal with this?”

Now I am not dismissing the amazing support and guidance that we have at our disposal, far from it, I say take as much as you can get, take the tools, build your toolkit, BUT you have got to be willing to use them and to use them to the full advantage you must be willing to use them on yourself and this, my friends, is the hardest pill to swallow. 

There are also those who feel that it is their ‘moral obligation, or natural instinct ‘ to take on the role of helping the addict, these are most likely to be the parents or a partner, but regardless of the connection, obligation, you have to think about your own obligations, morals, and connection to yourself. 

Now there is no right or wrong here, this isn’t about blame, none of this book is about blame, fuck me there is enough fucking people blaming already, we don’t need any friggin more. 

Writing this book, my hope, the aim is to help people try to figure out who they are this is much more about addiction, personally, I think when you get down to the nitty-gritty, addiction is actually only a small factor. The sooner people recognise and accept ‘Shit Happens’ whether or not they like it, you do have a choice in how you deal with it, its not always easy in fact it can be hard, painful and relentless at times, but that’s life in general, right?

My story, my dads story is about just this, the book is about exploring, reflecting back on my life’s journey, coming to terms with the fact that ‘YES’ I have made some pretty shit decisions in my life, some very unwise decisions, I have hurt the closest around me, but coming to terms with who I am and being able to say, ‘So what, I have fucked up, but that doesn’t make me a bad person?’ In fact, I am quite the opposite, it’s just that I didn’t really know this about myself. 

With dad, even though he could and was an utter bastard AND has done some pretty shit, horrible things in his life, he was fundamentally a good guy, not that I saw it much growing up, ‘but hey, I was a kid after all’, its easy for me to now, 48 years later to be able to say this, because trust me I would have NEVER said that 20 years ago.  For me, I got a glimpse of the latter part of dad, the side to him, I honestly thought, I would never see growing up, the side of dad I craved for as a kid, the sad fact is, like Kylie Minogue says “Better the devil you know”. 

I am going to try my best to be as brutally honest with myself, with you, even though by doing this I am taking a BIG risk laying myself bare and open to criticism, to others interpretation of me, of who I was, who I am and try to learn and practice not to give “two flying fucks” about what others think anymore, the only thing I concern myself with of late is about what I am thinking. 

Thank you, dad, for helping me to realise and see life from another perspective, my own.

 

 

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Have an amazing weekend

 

After a week of highs and lows, more highs to be fair the best parts have been being surrounded by some good friends, amazing work colleagues and a little bit of recognition and laughter sprinkled on top and all of this was absolutely FREE, didn’t cost a bleeding thing apart from a little mindfulness and gratitude.

I am dedicating this weekend to working on the book, I have also got plans to go out for a walk in the woods with a couple of good friends, coffee and catch up then spending some quality time with my little sis. – But I thought I would share a couple of snippets of the book with you, seeing as many of you have been asking how it’s going, so here goes …


Dad had many women, in fact, he had a fucking harem of em. The first part is about when I met his first bit of fluff and the second part was years later when i found myself pregant for the second time.

At some point whilst living on Fraser dad moved out, I didn’t recall there being much drama around him leaving, it just seems like one minute he was there and then he wasn’t. But what I do remember, is the house feeling a lot more peaceful, we didn’t have much, by way of money, but we were happy I know that. It felt like we saw more of dad after he left, well I wouldn’t say more, just that we actually spent some quality father and daughter time with him, but then I say more, there are only a couple of times I remember.

There was the one time when dad took us swimming to Heeley baths, he came out of the changing rooms wearing his swimming trunks, strutting around the pool, before diving straight in. I didn’t even realise dad could even swim! I was even more impressed that he could swim underwater for a whole width of the pool. I don’t recall us going for a hot chocolate for a treat after our swim like the other families were doing. We were picked up, took for a swim then taken back home.

The other time dad came to take us out, he’d planned to take us to a fairground, I do remember feeling excited on route to the fair, now this was more like it? I don’t remember going on any of the rides, I don’t recall, us doing hook a duck or eating candy floss!. But I do remember thinking pretty early on that this wasn’t an ordinary trip. And that was because it wasn’t!

Remember dads ‘other woman’ the one I mentioned earlier?. The one my cousin Paul pointed out to me? Well, that day we finally got to meet her face to face. 

So what was meant to be a family trip to the fair was actually a rendezvous  to meet the ‘mystery lady’ dads ‘new bird.’  I remember arriving at the entrance of the fun fair. Uncle John, dads oldest brother were stood there already. I didn’t know he was even coming? I also didn’t know he’d be there holding hands with a woman I had never seen before neither! She certainly wasn’t his wife auntie June? and she wasn’t as pretty as auntie June neither, the only thing I remember about her, was her breath, as she leaned down, bringing her head level to mine, to say hello, she smiled exposing her stained teeth exhaling the worst breath have ever smelled, I quite frankly it smelled like shit. I remember having to pull back before I projectile vomited in her face.  I wondered if this is normal to be having another woman? other than ya wife at home in them days? Did all dads have other women too? dad was at it, now uncle John?  I was confused, what am I suppose to say next time I see auntie June? would she know already? Do I tell? Who do I tell? What would I say? 

Turns out I didn’t have to say anything Auntie June and Uncle John had officially split and now he was with this other lady, whose name was Dot, in fact, she and uncle John are still together to this day. 

Recomposing myself I saw ‘her’ that other women, the one from the house our Paul had taken me to. Her name was Pat, short for Patricia. Comparing her, she was nothing like mom, in fact, she was quite the opposite. She seemed more glamorous, well more makeup, (mom didn’t need it) she was blonde, whilst mom was a brunette, her hair was short, whilst moms was long. Now don’t get me wrong, she was pleasant enough, I didn’t kick any money out of her hands as I had threatened before, she wasn’t overbearing, in fact as I recall she spent most of the trip spending time with dad opposed to getting to know us.

Little did she know then that a few years later I would be stabbing her precious little boy with a dart for bragging about my dad, “my fucking dad” taking him and his brother away on holiday, even worse he was taking them to Spain, abroad somewhere that only a few of my friends family were able to afford at that time.

So what was supposed to be a father and daughter outing turns out, me and our Sarah were just the fucking gooseberries! 


I’m writing this now, thinking about the child that never was, he/she would have been 27 now, saying a prayer and asking for forgiveness that I will never know if I will ever get. This is going to sound harsh, insensitive, but I didn’t give the abortion a second thought, I didn’t see the unborn child as a child, I was a month gone, it was the size of a peanut, it wouldn’t know anything. But years later, in middle wood hospital, alone and broken, I cried tears, rivers for that baby, the baby I never had, the sacrifice I made, murdering a child that I would have loved with all my heart, but wouldn’t have been physically able to, all because of him. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, I never saw the grief coming, it came from nowhere. 

I wasn’t having a baby and that was it, my mind was made up. It was the first time “I took control and said NO” no to him and to dad. 

Telling dad was going to be tough because, dad thought he was going to be a grandad again, by this time, dad had sold the video shop, he still had the taxi firm, but he had started managing a pub, just down the road from the taxi firm. I was hoping to confide in him and get some support, I’d told his girlfriend who was understanding and she reassured me that dad would understand too. Dad was in the bar drinking with his mates, I asked him if I could have a quiet word, “whats tha want some money?” He laughed with his mates as he gestured me to the room behind the bar. Taking a deep breath, I tried to explain that I wanted an abortion and why, I wasn’t happy, I was sick of working, I wasn’t a proper mom already, Mark was never going to work, it wasn’t going to work. Dad stood there, he already knew he was a lazy bastard, but he wasn’t a bad bloke was he? He didn’t go out drinking, he stayed at home looking after the kid, he didn’t beat me, he cooked meals, he was all the things dad wasn’t, so in his eyes he didn’t see what the problem was! 

In fact, he wasn’t impressed at all, he was outraged he told me I was being selfish, it was his grandchild too!! Fuck me he had the audacity to bring himself into it when he didn’t even spend any time with his current grandkid! He told me he would never speak to me if I had an abortion and with that, walked straight past me, back into the bar and sat with his mates. I stood there, trying to compose myself, his girlfriend came through and reassured me to ignore my dad, he would come around. I had never ever asked dad for anything in my life, I thought that because I had been working for him for all those years, he saw me more than his shop assistant, I thought he might have gotten to know who I was, but he didn’t know, or care about me at all. That was confirmed when I walked from behind the bar, hoping his mates wouldn’t see the red around my eyes when he told them what I had wanted to talk to him about. I couldn’t believe my ears “Ah she’s alright, she’s pregnant and only wants a fucking abortion” all eyes on me, no one laughed though, they didn’t say anything and all I can remember is I couldn’t get out of that pub fast enough.

The moral of every story is #shithappens, but you have a choice on how it defines you and on that note #thinkforyourself #gratitude

 

Love Fordy x

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Whats your go to song?

I’m sharing this today as a reminder that even if life is shit there ARE some things that can help ease the pain, find out what yours is and do more of it, for me it can be as simple as a song.

Every morning, during me #havingawordwimesen sessions, as well as thinking through challenges,  I always make time to reflect on what’s going well, remind myself about the things that I have a lot to be thankful for.

The other week our old man came home to say he had booked tickets to go and Gladys Knight and the Pips next year, his treat. Now don’t get me wrong I’m up for anything especially if its free, I have heard of Gladys of course, I’ve heard some of her songs, but I’m no expert, so I searched on Spotify downloaded some of her songs, cos there’s nowt worse seeing someone in a concert miming to the songs and its better if you can sing along right?

I was sat here at my computer and The best thing that ever happened to me came on and WOW! that song stirred something in me, the lyrics really spoke to me. I listen to the song every morning and it never tires, the song refers to one person, but when I listen to the song I think of everyone who is in my life and who have helped make me who I am today, some for just being who they are, inspires me and they don’t even know it.

So have definitely decided that this is going to be one of my funeral songs, “YES I said it” the one in the middle of the service, the one where everyone has two minutes to take time to reflect on memories past, but I want to be able (in my absence) to say thank you to every single person who could be arsed to come along to send me off

It goes like this…

I’ve had my share of life’s ups and downs
But fate’s been kind, the downs have been few
I guess you could say that I’ve been lucky
Well, I guess you could say that it’s all because of you
If anyone should ever write my life story
For whatever reason, there might be
Oh, you’ll be there between each line of pain and glory
Cause you’re the best thing that ever happened to me
Ah, you’re the best thing that ever happened to me
Oh, there have been times when times were hard
But always somehow I made it, I made it through
Cause for every moment that I’ve spent hurting
There was a moment that I spent, ah, just loving you

Years ago, alone with two kids, fuck all money, in an unfurnished maisonette, recently released from Middlewood, there was a song that I played daily, in  fact I would play the song every time I felt shit the song was ‘Search for the Hero inside yourself’ by M People, the lyrics would change me frown upside down as soon as I put it on, that song saw me through some dark times i’ll tell thee

Sometimes the river flows but nothing breathes.
A train arrives but never leaves.
It’s a shame.
Oh life – like love that walks out of the door,
Of being rich or being poor.
Such a shame.
But it’s then, then that faith arrives
To make you feel at least alive.
And that’s why you should keep on aiming high,
Just seek yourself and you will shine.
You’ve got to go to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search for the hero inside yourself
Until you find the key to your life.
In this life, long and hard though it may seem,
Live it as you’d live a dream.
Aim so high.
Just keep the flame of truth burning bright.
The missing treasure you must find
because you and only you alone
can build a bridge across the stream.
Weave your spell in life’s rich tapestry –
Your passport to a feel supreme.

and on that note folks, its Friday what ever you are doing or have planned, make the bloody most of it, make the most of doing something for you, regardless how small.

 

Love Fordy x

 

 

 

 

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Are you a YES or NO person?

 

For years and years I was forever “people pleasing” always the “yes” person not wanting to upset other people, not wanting to see others unhappy, thinking that if I did or said X, Y or Z they would feel better, in turn, this would give me a sense of achievement, proud, happy that I was able to do something good, something nice but actually, in the long run, all I did was make myself unhappy. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that i am not happy, after all I still find myself saying YES when i want to say NO… This #Haveingawordwtheesen malarky is hard but I am learning to start saying  NO more often and as a result, i do feel a lot less stressed.

Learning to think for myself  instead of trying to think for others for years I have been programmed with an innate desire, need to solve, resolve, to act, react, to try and preempt to prevent, presume and assume. Personally, I think, we all  know that that “people pleasing” lives in all of us, and it’s not a bad thing  BUT it can become all-consuming at time and at the cost to your own self-esteem.

I’m not saying stop saying yes, I’m glad there are yes people out there, people who want to help others, I mean if there wasn’t then we would all be basically surrounded by fucking psychopaths and no one wants that, do they?

Now please don’t get me wrong here I am not for one moment thinking about stopping being kind or doing something nice for someone, that will always be a part of who I am because I genuinely care about others. I am just learning that being kind to others is fine as long as I am being kind to myself, being true to myself first, its also called ‘Balance’.

Learning to say no after a lifetime of saying yes is a hard habit to break, the desire to please is very subtle and often we don’t see we are even doing it! But I am learning that just taking the time out every day to reflect on me, I am able to recognize the pleasing side of me a lot more clearly. 

Saying no, is hard, but after a while learning to understand why you are saying yes is about recognising the desire, the need to solve, resolve, to act, react, to try and preempt to prevent, presume and assume is coming from. It gets easier and it can even be freeing,  freeing to realise that you are not responsible for everyone else anymore, you are not responsible for their feelings, you are not responsible for their actions you are not responsible for their SHIT! You are only responsible for your own, because as I have said many a time #shithappens all the frigging time. 

Think about the people around you, are they supporting or draining? Do you find yourself saying YES all the time, when you really want to say NO,  Then ask yourself “why if you are not happy are you not saying NO?”  ask yourself “why do you find yourself saying YES all the time?”

If you are in a situation you cannot change immediately, that’s ok, but by saying NO sometimes might actually help.

Who would have thought a two letter word could be so fucking hard?

And on that note, whilst I could sit and write on here all day, I am having to tell myself NO – cos I got to get me sorry ass into work

 

Love Fordy x

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Who’s pulling your strings?

 

That word I had wi me sen yesterday worked wonders, and it reminds me that just taking a little time out of my day, enables ‘me’ to take a step back, reflect (only for a little) on the previous day, on the day ahead, contemplate what’s in store, check in on any anxieties that I might be experiencing, talk me sen through them, for me the best thing I have ever done is start this daily journal, as you will see some of my posts can be pretty dim, they are nothing exciting, but for me its my way of being true to myself, being transparent, showing that despite what people may see on the surface, that not everything is always “good in the hood” and there is NO SHAME in that and that’s the whole point! 

But by taking say, half an hour out of my day for me work’s because I am telling and reminding myself that “I count”. I see sooo many people who just take each day for granted, just flow with the status quo, never questioning, just doing opposed to “being”.

My daughter said to me yesterday “your not going to turn into a hippy are you?” I had to laugh because I am not sure what her definition of a hippy is, but all I know is that by checking in on me sen on a regular basis has helped in cutting some of the invisible strings that were taking a hold of me. And we all have them, for many its a lot easier the leave well alone because it feels more comfortable, but for me I don’t want anyone pulling my strings expect myself and if it means feeling uncomfortable sometimes, or upsetting someones preconceived expectations about how they think I should act or react, then so be it! 

I don’t want to be like everyone else, I have been there and done that, I don’t want to conform just because “everyone else does” I want to be the truest, honest version of me. Don’t get me wrong I am under no illusions that I’m going to be perfect because one thing I am certain of is I’m not,  I never will be, I will always make mistakes and I will forever be learning about me till the day I die. 

I set out on a mission on the 1st of July to start writing a book, a book I have always had the desire to write, but never did for my reasons and a lot of them was me. Since the 1st of July I have written over 4 chapters, I have remembered memories I forgot were even there still, some sad some pretty amazing. I have kept true to myself keeping a journal (to mainly help with the writing and expressing myself) and to improve my grammar because according to my daughter, Lauren AKA the grammar police “its shocking”. 

I have written and shared shy of 70 blogs on here and despite the bad days (and there has been some) I am left feeling pretty proud of myself. So just for today remember or remind yourself

Check who’s pulling your strings 

Never lose sight of who you are 

Take some time out for YOU, because you matter 

Remember the people you have inspired 

And above all, be kind to yourself 

Love Fordy xxxx

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What can I do?

After a restless nights sleep worrying I woke up asking myself “yes I could do without the stress and worry, but its always going to be there, so how you going to take responsibility for yourself and your own emotions in all of this?” So with that, I have been having a word wi me sen. 

Have you ever been asked your advice, you know what you want to say, but you know that if you say it how you want to say it, then you know that it’s not going to be received well? So you try and work around it, trying to give your view without offending or upsetting the other person, because you know what you are going to say is not

  1. what they want to hear? 
  2. they are already in a bad place so you don’t want to upset them more 
  3. you don’t want them to think you are being a heartless bitch? 

But then, if I take this approach then I am not being true to the other person nor myself? But yet I am still left feeling helpless and frustrated that they are going to make the wrong decisions or rash decision that will have longer term implications that they cannot see yet, but they are willing to take the leap, just so they don’t have to deal with “their own” responsibilities?

I have to remind myself that whilst I am preaching about taking responsibility to them I need to do the same for me.  Its not their fault I feel like this, but I do have a choice on how I take responsibility for how I am feeling. So here goes 

I’m a natural fixer, if I see a hole I want to fill it,  don’t like seeing people suffer, if I can make a difference I will have a go, but I need to think about recognising that no matter what I do sometimes my actions are not going to save or help the other persons life, if might ease their current situation, but they are going to have to deal with bigger shit and I wont always be there. 

Note to self – I need to remember and remind myself  I cannot rescue everyone

Unfortunately, I have to deal with fuckwits in my job, I cannot avoid them sometimes, yes its good to have a rant about what twats they are, (this will make me feel better for a little while)  but that aint going to change anything or them for that matter.

Note to self – the world is full of fuckwits they are unavoidable, but I do have a choice about whether or not I am going to allow them to affect my day, so learn to accept fuckwits and work around them 

I’d love to be able to say what I really think all of the time, but the reality is that whether I like it or not, there is a time and place and its not always appropriate. This is a tough one because there are people who I really don’t care about, who I am not afraid of offending. I pride myself on being transparent, but there are times when for the greater good, when reputations need protecting, so this is work in progress 

Note to self – Transparency is a good trait, however being too transparent can also make you vulnerable to others , who will see your weak points and use them against you – because there are some Narcissistic bastards out there. 

I can often forget to put myself first, remind myself that I count, that I have feelings too and by ignoring this only serves to hurt me in the long run.

Note to self – remind myself that I count, I am responsible for me, for my feelings, my actions, my reactions 

 

So on that note, after needing to #haveawordwimesen I also need to get my sorry ass off to work after there is some work that needs doing that I am responsible for

 

Love Fordy

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Whilst others might be to blame you are ultimately responsible for how you feel

Morning, I have been churning these words over in my head for the past few days, so here goes

Life’s not fair

They don’t care 

It’s not my fault 

I didn’t do owt

They are to blame

Bang in a claim 

Feeling shit

“Stop telling me to get over it !”

Waiting for change 

It will come soon

I wish things were different 

I can’t see a way out

You could start by accepting 

#shithappens 

Life can be cruel 

But this doesn’t have to rule 

Live by the choices we make 

Learn and move on

The problems will still be there 

But life still goes on

In the blink of an eye 

The years will have passed by

There isn’t a book 

To guide right from wrong

Time is a great healer 

The bad times will pass 

Be a victim or hero?

You do have a choice 

You could stop blaming others

Take back some control 

The worries and fears from everyday

Will eventually pass and fade away 

Take one day at a time

That’s all you have got

Yesterday has gone

Today is here

Be grateful for what you have got 

Stop focusing on the past 

For you have today 

Remember for some it’s their last

 

Fordy 2018

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