For years and years I was forever “people pleasing” always the “yes” person not wanting to upset other people, not wanting to see others unhappy, thinking that if I did or said X, Y or Z they would feel better, in turn, this would give me a sense of achievement, proud, happy that I was able to do something good, something nice but actually, in the long run, all I did was make myself unhappy. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that i am not happy, after all I still find myself saying YES when i want to say NO… This #Haveingawordwtheesen malarky is hard but I am learning to start saying NO more often and as a result, i do feel a lot less stressed.
Learning to think for myself instead of trying to think for others for years I have been programmed with an innate desire, need to solve, resolve, to act, react, to try and preempt to prevent, presume and assume. Personally, I think, we all know that that “people pleasing” lives in all of us, and it’s not a bad thing BUT it can become all-consuming at time and at the cost to your own self-esteem.
I’m not saying stop saying yes, I’m glad there are yes people out there, people who want to help others, I mean if there wasn’t then we would all be basically surrounded by fucking psychopaths and no one wants that, do they?
Now please don’t get me wrong here I am not for one moment thinking about stopping being kind or doing something nice for someone, that will always be a part of who I am because I genuinely care about others. I am just learning that being kind to others is fine as long as I am being kind to myself, being true to myself first, its also called ‘Balance’.
Learning to say no after a lifetime of saying yes is a hard habit to break, the desire to please is very subtle and often we don’t see we are even doing it! But I am learning that just taking the time out every day to reflect on me, I am able to recognize the pleasing side of me a lot more clearly.
Saying no, is hard, but after a while learning to understand why you are saying yes is about recognising the desire, the need to solve, resolve, to act, react, to try and preempt to prevent, presume and assume is coming from. It gets easier and it can even be freeing, freeing to realise that you are not responsible for everyone else anymore, you are not responsible for their feelings, you are not responsible for their actions you are not responsible for their SHIT! You are only responsible for your own, because as I have said many a time #shithappens all the frigging time.
Think about the people around you, are they supporting or draining? Do you find yourself saying YES all the time, when you really want to say NO, Then ask yourself “why if you are not happy are you not saying NO?” ask yourself “why do you find yourself saying YES all the time?”
If you are in a situation you cannot change immediately, that’s ok, but by saying NO sometimes might actually help.
Who would have thought a two letter word could be so fucking hard?
And on that note, whilst I could sit and write on here all day, I am having to tell myself NO – cos I got to get me sorry ass into work
Love Fordy x