Time is the best gift

Life’s good, I am grateful for what have and who I have around me, but don’t get that confused with my life being perfect. No fuckers life is perfect, there will be moments where life feels amazing, where special memories are made, moments with loved ones, surprise acts of kindness, feeling loved, feeling safe, feeling secure, these are all memories and feelings that I save, protect in my memory box and bring out for those special occasions when life feels tough. I am writing this morning with someone else in mind.

But there is ALWAYS a flip side side quite often people don’t want to or cannot seem to grasp or to face up to the reality that a perfect life doesn’t exist. They wont post sad pictures on social media, those post are only reserved for happy times, I am guilty of this too don’t get me wrong. This is a part of society that I struggle with the most, the invisible fear that surrounds us that we cannot allow others to know or suspect that we are not so perfect or we fear of offloading our own burdens to others ‘just incase’ they misinterpret us or judge us, these conversations are normally reserved or shared with close friends and loved ones who we trust. If you have that one or a few people who you feel you can share and offload your burdens to, remember you are truly blessed, but you are still on your own and people still avoid this ‘being alone’ like the bubonic plague! 

We all have flaws, we all make mistakes, we all carry regrets or desires to change our past, desires to change our futures but we are not alone in feeling this we are not unique, we are the same as everyone else, and in my opinion once we are able to accept this fact we can start to come to terms with our own lives on our own terms. once we start to accept ourselves and recognise we are not perfect then we can start to separate the bullshit from our own reality and let go of the invisible negative shit that we carry around with us. 

There are moments where magic can take place and it is when you are on your own that you can make the biggest difference to yourself, but be warned these are also the moments where we can do the most damage. You are the kindest person you know but you cannot be that kind person to yourself? What’s that all about? The key is to recognize when you are berating yourself for past actions or situations that you can no longer change, is this helping? Is this making you feel better about yourself? What would you say to a loved one who was doing the same, saying the same thing to themselves? You are great at being there for everyone else then why not for yourself? You don’t need to wait or rely on others for reassurance you are doing ok? 

You can do this yourself, if your internal conversation with yourself is negative, question it? Is what you are saying about yourself or to yourself true? Is there any truth in it? Question it?, unpick it, dissect it, tear it apart, often the negative narrative we can have with ourselves starts with something so small, but we have dedicated so much time and energy on the negative that like an onion that starts with a bulb, now has layers and layers surrounding it, that when we attempt to peel the layers back, they can make us cry. We all have the ability to like ourselves more, but it isn’t a quick fix, it isn’t a given, you have to work your shit out on your own, you can seek guidance from others, but you are still on your own. You cannot purchase self-esteem or self-worth off any shelf in a supermarket or online, true self-esteem and worth take’s time. 

Time is all to often taken for granted, rushing around doing, being there for everyone else making no time for you. Making time for yourself, to reflect and dissect the negative narrative and make time to replace the negative and remind yourself YOU ARE DOING YOUR BEST and that’s good enough. 

Learning to let go is the hardest part, after all we might have been clinging onto some of the shit for a long time, fuck me we can actually believe some of the shit we tell ourselves. Over the Christmas holiday gift yourself with some time to reflect, then let go and give yourself a break. 

Merry Christmas 

Love Fordy x

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The only way to overcome pain is to first learn how to bear it.

Someone asked me the other day “so how many followers do you have on your blog” this was after a conversation about why I started the blog, so I explained again that the blog isn’t a platform for getting attention, I have found since having a break from Alcohol I have found myself, underneath the haze of weekend hangovers I have found a love for reflecting and getting some shit off me chest. I dont do it for the applause I do it for the cause – ME

I don’t and won’t and quite frankly have the time or energy to commit to posting my daily antics on here”fuck me I would never have a life”, but I do still every morning make time for me and that has been the best enlighting moment, personal learning for me this year. Don’t get me wrong over the past 6 months I have had to still deal with shit most of it has been my doing, when I say that what I mean is that is just a by-product of work, I love my job, but it ain’t all fairy tales, there are a few downsides too. But the key learning for me has to be being more open and accepting of the challenges opposed to resisting them. Dealing with being a parent and my internal worries can be a constant form of pain and distress. My health hasn’t been great, in fact, I have been wondering if perhaps it hasn’t been great for a whilst but that I just didn’t realize it or have been taking my body, myself for granted?

But I AM learning the best way I can to try and manage it oppose to trying to ignore it. Life is and can be SHIT, lets not sugar coat stuff, so whilst I would love to sit, isolate and write all day long that isn’t a) realistic and b) quite frankly would get boring at some point, after all I would just end up talking about the color of the four walls.

I decided to go back a start to read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck: A Counterintuitive Approach to Living a Good Life” by Mark Manson) because quite frankly it’s my kind of book, he doesn’t hold back on is use of language nor his blunt attitude to life, He talks about trying to resist or deny shit parts of your life only creates more pain “struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame. Pain is an inextricable thread in the fabric of life, and to tear it out is not only impossible, but destructive: attempting to tear it out unravels everything else with it.” here’s some of my other fave quotes/statements from the book.

“The only way to overcome pain is to first learn how to bear it.”

“The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering.” 

Its the time of year when I am running around like a manic trying to prepare as much as I can for my return to work in the New year, and that’s ok cos it’s like that every year, its nowt new, but I am coping/dealing with it better than previous years. By accepting I have been more prepared and pragmatic about the challenges that have been thrown my way.

That’s me done, its the last day of work for 2018, I still have got plently of shit to plow through, and if I don’t get it all done, that’s ok too. I am sooo looking forward to being able to take the foot off the gas to do some more quality refection and spend more time on me over the Christmas break – who knows, there might be some shitty bits coming my way whilst I am off, but at least I am more prepared and open to embracing shit oppose to trying to avoid it! in the words of Mark Manson – “your not special and you are going to die someday”

So make the fucking most of what you have got !

Love Fordy x

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The perfect parent doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean being the best parent you can be doesn’t

We all fundamentally aspire to be happy, or to be content in our own skin, with who we are, we want the very same for loved one’s wether that be family or close friends. We want the exact same thing for our kids too. We want them to grow up into independent, healthy, happy, content and confident adults.  We want for them to know their own minds, be steadfast in all their decision making, we desperately want to protect them from ever being or even feeling emotions such as sadness, hurt, loss or shame. 

We guide them the best we can, based on our own knowledge and experience of dealing with our own life, that’s our ‘Handbook’. We sometimes expect, hope that they are willing to learn from us, from our own mistakes in the hope that they don’t ever have to feel all the shitty negative emotions we ourselves as parents have gone through. I know I have gone to many lengths to prevent or try and protect both of my kids from ever experiancing some of the pain that I have been through or endured. 

We feel that if we can achieve that then for us as parents we feel that we have succeeded in guiding our kids in the right direction. Even though I now know, and accept that there are many things I cannot protect them from, it’s still fucking hard seeing them, doubt themselves, question themselves, doubt that they are loveable, doubt that they are attractive, see themselves as failures.

We all have our own personal goals and aspirations for ourselves, whether that’s to feel better about yourself, lose weight, get the job you always wanted, to have enough money in the bank to feel comfortable, whatever our goals or aspirations are if we sit back and think about it, what we are really trying to do is avoid those negative feelings about ourselves. And I get it after all don’t know anyone who’s life ambitions has been to pursue sadness or feel shit.

Hindsight can be like Chinese fucking torture, repeatedly going over the same old shit you can never change  – One of the hardest lessons I have and am still trying to work through is accepting that my original aspirations and all the pursuits I have endeavored to protect my kids, may never be achieved. That’s not to say I won’t ever stop trying, I know I will never stop trying, but learning to accept that they are on their own journey, learning in their own ways, writing their own handbook on life is a tough pill to swallow.

But foresight is also a wonderful thing. 

I look back on my own life, the stuff I saw, felt and experienced as a kid, or as a young adult and even now in this present moment and I can accept that life isn’t always a fairy tale you cannot sprinkle angel dust on shit and expect it to go magically go away #shithappens even rainbow coloured unicorns still shit and stand in their own shit occasionally. 

One thing that is for certain is that we can never go back and change our past, but what we can do is take more responsibility for how we deal with any of our future endeavours’s learning to accept that all we can do is to keep going, but at the same time practice more self-love and learning to be more self-accepting about ourselves, we might not ever reach our goals whatever they may be—but if you stop or even give up there is one thing that is for certain is that you will never reach them. 

The perfect parent doesn’t exist, but that doesn’t mean being the best parent you can be doesn’t 


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Whats ​in your filing cabinet?

Another night of stress dream’s, still don’t feel 100%, still need to make some time for myself, regroup my thoughts to a calmer place. Spoke to a freind who has had a lot of crap going off in her life recently, who has been keeping off the radar and feels flat. What do you say to someone who is starting to Question themselves? Doubt themselves? Lost themselves? When you lose sight of being present and are constantly in reactive mode or in constant fight or flight mode. I know a friend who has recently lost a son, another who has lost not just her daughter but her unborn grandchild, someone else who is a bystander having to sit back and watch her grandchildren we mistreated, poisoned against her, someone who only has their best interest at heart. A parent whose son is sleeping in the garage because she doesn’t trust to come back into the house, in fear he will steal from the family again, being forced to enforce some tough love when all she really wants to do is hug her son and make everything better. Make him better acting / reacting out of love for someone you care about, dealing with the misinterpretation and accusation that you don’t care? When in fact you care too much.

How does someone manage those painful feelings and emotions

How does someone remind themselves that they are a good person, when all they feel is a failure 

Learning to try and come to terms with the fact that you are not responsible for other peoples emotions, feelings or actions is one of the hardest emotional battles that any one person can try and overcome. You will have days when you feel solid, self assure and then other days when you are riddled with doubt. You know that the self assured, reasonable you is there within you somewhere but you cannot for the life of you see it or feel it. 

How do you find it again? Often our minds become like filing cabinets, we take in so much shit, but don’t address it, just file in at the back of our minds to sort out at a later date. 

But then the filing cabinet starts to get full, to the point you simply cannot stuff anything else in. Then you reach the point where its jammed and BANG it springs open and all the shit you have been filing, ignoring, comes spewing out. Every now and then we all need a clear out, think about how good you feel when you have just tidied all the house? Its clean, the sense satisfaction you feel, especially if you have been putting it off for a while. We all at some point need to have a spring clean of our personal filing cabinets. 

Emptying or rearranging the filing cabinet 

Take a step back 

Make some time to reflect 

Talk to a friend you can trust 

Offload all the toxic thoughts going around in your head 

Practice some self compassion 

Acknowledge how you are feeling – its ok to feel shit 

Do something different 

Do something for you 

Acknowledge, but them throw away the dead wood (thoughts) 

Sort out some of the unresolved issues, priorities them

Bring the priorities to the front of the filing system 

Your filing cabinet can hold a lot more than you think, but it can only store the stuff that you have had a chance to reflect, acknowledge on before putting back or discarding.  You can store some stuff and come back to it at a later date, if you are not ready to address it, but if you just leave it there without any action then it just gets bigger and bigger. 

The mess does go away the rubbish pile gets bigger and bigger, if you are feeling overwhelmed, just reach out to someone you trust and make a start on sorting out your filing cabinet. 

Love Fordy x

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Taking a risk

Taking risks 

You say your not a risk taker 

But you take a risk every day

Fear of the unknown 

Wishing you could hibernate and stay at home

Decisions, decisions which one to make?

Knowing full well, either one could be a mistake 

Making decisions  to find you were wrong 

But mistakes are life’s lessons they make you strong

Learning new lessons, when you have learned enough 

“Stop the fucking world I wanna get off”

“I want someone to guide me, tell me what to do”

That way if I’m wrong I can lay the blame on you!

Which direction to take?

Knowing whichever decision it’s “yours” to make 

A mind full questions but the answers don’t come

Why can’t life be simple “fuck it I’m done!”

In life is inevitable 

There are no guarantees 

Time never stops 

So use some of what you have got to take stock 

So be bold be brave

Take a step back

You are doing your best 

No need to compete with the rest

#shithappens

That’s part of the deal

Take one day at a time 

Cos time is a commodity there is no more to  steal

 

 

Love Fordy x

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Have been waiting for the shit storm to pass

It has been a pretty intense two weeks. 

Have been neglecting my writing of late, I have kept up my personal journal and have been constantly on social media,  riding that wave we call life, trying to keep sight of me mojo, whilst trying not to fall and drown myself with issues including work, being there for family, dealing with unexpected shit that I had not factored into my life, like being fucking ill and being ill doesn’t help the noggin or state of mind, when your mind is occupied with aches and pains for me it distracts me from thinking as clearly. Or being let down by others, ie promises by professionals that have not been met, dealing with fuckwits, an unexpected bereavement, unforeseen work demands, that have required more of my time and attention, juggling my own feelings of guilt (now that’s a whole other blog/book) its like I have been functioning in a constant reactive state, resulting in me being clumsy/sloppy not always on the ball, forgetting silly things, which in turn leaves me feeling like I’ve been incompetent or looking like an incompetent twat! So much so that this Saturday morning instead of waking early to spend time on me sen, I was up at the crack of dawn working and trying to make sense of the past two weeks and looking forward to what the new few has in store.

This #havingawordwitheesen malarky sure has been a stark reminder that I cannot operate in that state for more than a couple of weeks it’s not good for the body or soul. But on a positive note though though, it’s not like I didn’t know it wasn’t coming, I always knew my work life was going to be busy for a couple of weeks and I had made some contingency plans for it, like making sure I made time for myself, like maintaining me journal, practicing to let go of things I cannot control, but I have to say its been tougher than I thought. I am proud to say that apart from one occasion, which I did not repeat, the previously used “fuck it” strategies haven’t been deployed, like coming home and drowning my sorrows down the bottom of a bottle of wine cos that quite frankly just made me feel a 1000 times worse.

But as work commitments are now easing off it finally feels like the shit cloud is finally clearing. And its not all been bad stress, there has been some amazing moments and rewards during the past two weeks, I heard that someone who I respect dearly has been recognised for her selfless work (I cannot say anything as yet, its top secret), the moments of being able to just be present, listen and guide a couple of people out of a sticky situation has been rewarding a good for the soul and on the whole, despite being slightly manic the pain has been worth it (I can say this now) the project has had an amazing impact, with the dedication and passion of a few dedicated amazing people as a team we have managed to inspire many but also get some recognition from the powers that be that this is a project that is worth more investment and time, so fingers crossed that in the future this work can continue but with more resources. And yesterday, finally after weeks of waiting, my little bro got the news that he has been awarded custody of his three children. 

So despite stress and demands of that thing we call life, the good news is I’m still here, I am making the dentist appointment this morning that I absentmindedly forgot about the previous week, I have my health, my family has their health and the shit fog is finally clearing, so much so I can what I have got to look forward to, less work, more time for me, all the Christmas presents have been bought and wrapped, looking forward to some quality family time, I have a skiing holiday coming up, although I will suffer anxiety about breaking a fucking bone all the time I am away, but if I take my time I should be ok!

Thought for today 

Life can and sometimes does consume us, fuck me #shithappens, but never underestimate the power of #haveingwordwitheesen, try not to lose sight of you amongst the shit storm. 

 

Love Fordy x

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