Have been waiting for the shit storm to pass

It has been a pretty intense two weeks. 

Have been neglecting my writing of late, I have kept up my personal journal and have been constantly on social media,  riding that wave we call life, trying to keep sight of me mojo, whilst trying not to fall and drown myself with issues including work, being there for family, dealing with unexpected shit that I had not factored into my life, like being fucking ill and being ill doesn’t help the noggin or state of mind, when your mind is occupied with aches and pains for me it distracts me from thinking as clearly. Or being let down by others, ie promises by professionals that have not been met, dealing with fuckwits, an unexpected bereavement, unforeseen work demands, that have required more of my time and attention, juggling my own feelings of guilt (now that’s a whole other blog/book) its like I have been functioning in a constant reactive state, resulting in me being clumsy/sloppy not always on the ball, forgetting silly things, which in turn leaves me feeling like I’ve been incompetent or looking like an incompetent twat! So much so that this Saturday morning instead of waking early to spend time on me sen, I was up at the crack of dawn working and trying to make sense of the past two weeks and looking forward to what the new few has in store.

This #havingawordwitheesen malarky sure has been a stark reminder that I cannot operate in that state for more than a couple of weeks it’s not good for the body or soul. But on a positive note though though, it’s not like I didn’t know it wasn’t coming, I always knew my work life was going to be busy for a couple of weeks and I had made some contingency plans for it, like making sure I made time for myself, like maintaining me journal, practicing to let go of things I cannot control, but I have to say its been tougher than I thought. I am proud to say that apart from one occasion, which I did not repeat, the previously used “fuck it” strategies haven’t been deployed, like coming home and drowning my sorrows down the bottom of a bottle of wine cos that quite frankly just made me feel a 1000 times worse.

But as work commitments are now easing off it finally feels like the shit cloud is finally clearing. And its not all been bad stress, there has been some amazing moments and rewards during the past two weeks, I heard that someone who I respect dearly has been recognised for her selfless work (I cannot say anything as yet, its top secret), the moments of being able to just be present, listen and guide a couple of people out of a sticky situation has been rewarding a good for the soul and on the whole, despite being slightly manic the pain has been worth it (I can say this now) the project has had an amazing impact, with the dedication and passion of a few dedicated amazing people as a team we have managed to inspire many but also get some recognition from the powers that be that this is a project that is worth more investment and time, so fingers crossed that in the future this work can continue but with more resources. And yesterday, finally after weeks of waiting, my little bro got the news that he has been awarded custody of his three children. 

So despite stress and demands of that thing we call life, the good news is I’m still here, I am making the dentist appointment this morning that I absentmindedly forgot about the previous week, I have my health, my family has their health and the shit fog is finally clearing, so much so I can what I have got to look forward to, less work, more time for me, all the Christmas presents have been bought and wrapped, looking forward to some quality family time, I have a skiing holiday coming up, although I will suffer anxiety about breaking a fucking bone all the time I am away, but if I take my time I should be ok!

Thought for today 

Life can and sometimes does consume us, fuck me #shithappens, but never underestimate the power of #haveingwordwitheesen, try not to lose sight of you amongst the shit storm. 

 

Love Fordy x

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