So what’s the point to all this writing, I often ask myself? Where does this desire come from? I came across this post earlier and it got me thinking…
You’re not stuck
You are committed to certain patterns of behaviour because they have helped you in the past.
Now those behaviours have become more harmful than helpful.
The reason what you cannot move forward is because you keep applying an old formula to a new level in your life.
Change the formula get a different result.
For me writing, making time for ME has helped me recognize old patterns of thoughts, that often instigate or trigger feelings, that then impact on how I react (behave) in certain situations. I thought that once I understood how and why my addiction brought me to my knees, to the point of no return, that I would be ok? but it’s not that simple, we are not that simple? we are all complex beings, each unique.
Ok I might have changed my old coping strategies (which was using drugs), but what I recognized last year, that afternoon sat with my old friend and confidant Mick Holmes is that I had kinda got complacent, there was a time, years ago, when I would make time for me, think about me, #Haveawordwimesen, I would put me first, I knew what made me tick but somewhere along the line, I had stopped thinking about me and started spending too much time thinking and focusing on others, wanting to “help everyone above everything else” putting others first, deluding myself that I was doing ok? When deep down I didn’t really ever really feel that I “was ok” There were many a time I would tell myself at work “I’m a fraud, I’m just winging it,” and that I would get somehow “found out”. And trust me I am not the only person who coins the phrase “I’m just winging it” or “sometimes I wonder if I’ll get caught out as being a fraud?”
Over the recent months, sharing and baring my soul, my highs my low’s on here has been my way of trying to identify those often subtle, unseen old patterns of thoughts, feeling and consequently behaviours and reactions to everyday situations I face now, but the main lesson I am learning to come to terms with is that “I cannot save every fucker“
I now can actually pinpoint the time I stopped working on myself and it was during the time I was caring for dad, when the alcoholism took a hold constantly reacting to his addictive demands, the constant emotional blackmail, fuck me I didn’t have the time (or should I say make the time) for me at the time, i even neglected my own family, but now recognize that when dad did finally pass, instead of going back to working on me, I didn’t stop, I continued wanting to rescue and help others. Now I am not saying that this is a bad thing? “is it fuck,” we all need people that care and I do still care, but in order to care for others we MUST look after ourselves FIRST!
Did you know that there is something called vicarious trauma? (Perlman & Saakvitne, 1995), sometimes also called compassion fatigue, is the latest term that describes the phenomenon generally associated with the “cost of caring” for others (Figley, 1982), Click on the link, if you work or volunteer in a caring role we are all at risk from suffering it, its the next step up from “burnout”. I wonder how many people there are working, operating in this way and don’t even realize it?
So what am I learning? whats all this #Havingawordwitheesen all about?
As a direct consequence of making time for me, making time to learn to understand myself I am slowly learning to unpick some of those limiting beliefs that have built over time.
I have desperately wanted to write about my own personal experiences about how I dealt with not just my addiction but dads, in the hope that the lessons I learned might help “just one person” for years, and I have realized that the only person, thing that was holding me back was me, all those limiting beliefs, I had allowed myself to procrastinate I had allowed the self-doubt, the same self doubt, that I kept hidden within me, hidden from the outside world, just masking the daily negative narrative that I had almost become accustomed to, I had come to accept that this was who I was, this was my lot!
Nah Fuck that!
That day with Mick, I shared about feeling sick of the
I am the only person that really knows me.
I am the only person that hears the negative narrative that I carry around.
I am the only persons that can work on changing that negative narrative.
I am the only person that can challenge myself, question myself when the self doubt kicks in.
Thats why when you might hear me say “tha needs to have a word wi thee sen” I literally do mean it!
If you are in a caring role, if you are a worker, friend, relative, volunteer it doesn’t really matter, but if you are helping others, I urge you to save some of that caring back for YOU
Right I’m off, got work to do and shit loads of people to rescue (Joke),
love Fordy x
Ps – if