Still trying to figure out who I am and what i’m​ doing?- #Shithappens

Well, I have figured out I am still **cking useless at technology, and I still need to figure out how to use this computer! The writing Saturday went out of the window, I broke my alcohol ban on the Friday evening, had a few beers a glass of wine, and boy did i know about it all day Saturday. So much so i am learning that I would much rather stay AF so i can write than suffer all day. Sunday came, I still felt shit, but I was on a roll, I stomped through the dull headache, the writing, memories flowed I had been reflecting about my teens…

I really started to play up in my teens, looking back I now realise at the time that I had put my mother, ada through hell, but at the time I couldn’t see it, but at the same time, it felt that they never see the real me! I had many friends growing up, I would go through phases where I might try and reinvent myself, I could go for a while being well behaved, but it never lasted long. I found I was good at making friends, but only friends by association, but not any real friends, not a best friend I could actually call my own, someone who I could really trust, someone who was there all the time, I would often envy people at school who had formed closed bonds, friendships that lasted, throughout primary and into secondary school, I was popular, but yet felt like the most unpopular person I knew. 

Then I get a notification in the corner of my screen -For months I had been being stalked, prompted on numerous occasions by my laptop to install and update this app (or whatever it was) I finally decided to take the plunge and do it! I figured it wouldn’t be asking me to do so, unless it was important! RIGHT? I started the download thinking it would take 5 mins but after precisely 38 minutes my screen finally booted up again, but it looked completely different and my desktop was bare, the family picture was there, but that was it, it was blank, nothing, no folders, no documents, no chapters, no journal (i mean my personal journal which comprised of over 75, 000 words, thoughts, memories emotions?) It had all gone…

So what was supposed to be a chilled day, writing, offloading turned out to be one of the worst Sunday afternoons in history? I called myself all the **cking names under the sun, I was the thickest, most stupid person I knew, I mean who does that! I knew deep in my gut, that there was a reason I had ignored the request for months, but I had ignored my gut instinct and listened to a **cking computer, I starred at the picture I had recently purchased, it sit in front of me, a picture that inspires me, I looked at all the positive affirmations that surrounded my work desk, my draft index, content for the book and could have nearly cried at the thought of starting all over again.

My insides were in turmoil, it would take months to rewrite the chapters I had lost, I didn’t honestly think I had it in me to start all over again, that work contained memories, emotions that quite frankly I didn’t want to have to revisit again, I had already made my amends, I didn’t want to have to do it all again, I cannot remember that last time I felt this gutted, lost. there would have been a time, when i would have thrown the towel in gone into “Fuck it” mode, given in, but I having achieved so much over the past few months, not just on paper but in myself, i decided that i needed to take my own advice and #Haveawordwimesen

I took a step back from the computer, stopped looking at the screen, to detach myself away from the angry and negative emotions. I took some deep breaths and every negative comment that went around my head, I replaced with a compassionate reply to myself

“I can’t do it?” – yes you can, ok it might take a while and yes you are angry, but you will do it, you can do it, who knows the second time around it might even be better?

“I don’t know how?” – Ok you might need to take some training, some lessons, but you will learn, you will get it, you know people who can help, reach out and ask?

Pat called me, from downstairs unaware of my latest crisis, I came downstairs ate my lunch in silence, reassuring myself that it would be all ok, even though it certainly didn’t feel like that. After lunch i washed the pots, I wasn’t in any rush to go back up to my room, after a while I took some deep breaths and ascended the stairs, back to me room of doom and that **cking computer.

Searching my history, i managed to retrieve some work I had been recently working on, I also, remembered I had stored some of the chapters on Trello (again a system where your work is floating about somewhere, **ck knows where) but I had only stored 4 chapters! I needed the other 6.

Then I remembered that there was something called i Cloud, its an invisible place (fuck knows where) where all your pictures, writing is stored, I was hoping and praying that I might have managed to save something on there, if not I was truly screwed. after what seemed like forever I found it, my Desktop files, where right there, I clicked to down load them, so I didn’t lose them again. I have them back and a degree of my sanity too, it’s safe to say that is three hours of my life i wont ever get back, but at least I have the days, months worth of work back where it belongs.

Now I need to get me sen someone who knows what the **ck they are doing with computers, with websites and show me how NOT to make the same mistake again, if tha know’s anyone, hit me up – God I feel better after that rant

Please follow and like us:
error

3 Replies to “Still trying to figure out who I am and what i’m​ doing?- #Shithappens”

  1. I would have thrown it out of the window and cried in despair,but not you ,you got it back and proved your strength and determination

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.