One of the most powerful results outcomes from all this #Havingawordwimesen malarky is that I am slowly learning to feel more confident, more assertive, Yes I just said that, despite what people see on the surface, what they haven’t seen is that for years there have been times I have felt suffocated, insecure, when I have spoken out it would be out of reaction opposed to coming from a calm rational place. I have always had a voice, in fact I can be a gobby twat, but I am starting to learning how to fine tuned my voice, my thoughts to make every word count, not just to others, but more importantly count for me.
I have been thinking of late, what parts of my work could I let go, pull away from? Trying to work out what part of my work I give fucks about and start letting go of the shit I give fewer fucks about. Sometimes this is hard to do, and I am getting there, I have let go of a lot of useless shit over the past few months. For example, there was a time during my working life that social media, drove me close to insanity and back, I would get eaten up by the negative comments and opinions of people I didn’t even know, resulting in me often
I have always been a maverick at heart, I have never been one for conformity, I have always felt suffocated by rules, especially rules, I don’t understand, or rules made by someone who are no longer working on the front line doing the real face to face shit, dealing with people in crisis, dealing with people who have lost their way amongst all the fucking rules and broken some or many along the way, those who have lost their voice, who are no longer heard, because of the rules they have broken.
I particularly dislike working within the confines of rules and conditions laid down, made by people who I have zero respect for people who’s pay grade is lower than their own, those who assume that their higher pay grade or status gives them the authority to excert their authority over me. I am learning to recognise that they are afraid of free thinkers, afraid of people having a voice, out of fear that it will undermine their own.
But I also know and recognise that instead of wishing that these kind of people could jus vanish off the face of the earth and be replaced by free thinkers, this ain’t going to happen neither. They will always fall into the #shithappens realm, there will always be restricted thinkers, the self absorbed narcissist who will always put their needs before others, regardless of the consequences.
What I am learning about myself is that by understanding me more, that I am in a better position to navigate the rules, navigate my work, navigate the narcissist, dodge the negative shit that surrounds us, the negative shit that bombards use daily!
I want to make a difference, make things count, make people count, I want then to feel heard, listen too, In my small way throughly my work I feel that this is one way I can do this. By providing a platform and space for those who have lost their voice, or who have been silenced by the rules.
But I am also a pragmatist too, I am surrounded by well meaning people aspire to end homelessness, end addiction, end the endless cycle of abuse whether the victims be adults or young people and I will always champion and get behind all those causes, I am a passionate person, who cares about others, I am also a realist.
We can all run around wanting to change the world, we all want to make a difference in one way or another, but the difference that really counts is when you start with you. I am learning that you cannot save everyone, there is only so much you can do, and you cannot help others if you ain’t focusing on you too.
Now, this may come across as being selfish or even narcissistic? If it does then I don’t fucking care, because I am learning to understand and accept that I do care, but that I also care about me too.
What ever your plans for this weekend, make sure you are doing something for YOU
Love Fordy x