Being a parent – It’s sometimes the hardest job in the world, at other times it’s the best! Mothers days is fast approaching, it’s a chance to do something for your mother to let her know you care and say thank you. To say thank you one day a year for a job that lasts 360 days a year, 24 hours a day, a job that brings no financial rewards, only the emotional ones.
Being a parent fucking sucks some times! It fucks with my feelings, it fucks with my head, my thoughts, it is like the umbilical cord was never cut like it is still there but invisable connecting me to my two kids and it is unlike any other relationship I have ever known.
I’m with them on their highs, but I also follow them on their lows sometimes it’s hard to detach myself from their journeys, and despite all of my self-awareness and self-care, they are still always there in the back of my mind, regardless of their age, their maturity they will always be my babies, my kids. I will always feel responsible for their feelings, despite knowing deep down that they are their own journeys, they have their own feelings and emotions and I know that they are ultimately responsible for themselves and their own.
Doing something or saying something that I think is right or might help, only to find it was wrong. Sometimes being a parent is a fucking thankless task, I have to remind myself on a regular basis that none of us are ever perfect and i include us all in that statement.
As a parent I often reflect back and have my times of doubt, carrying the guilt that somehow I did something wrong or I could have been a better mother, do they doubt themselves becuase of something i said or have done? But when I see them achieve, succeed and believe in their own esteem, leaves me feeling like I’ve done a good job but then seeing them struggle leaves me feeling like I have somehow failed. There is no let-up or reprieve from that sense of responsibility, the sense of duty is always there, it never goes away like a fucking yoyo up and down always being played with.
I have to constantly remind myself that all I have to give and offer
I can look back and now and I often wonder how my own mother ever coped having to stand back and watch me self harm from within, watch me deteriorate before her eyes, powerless to stop me in my tracks, to stop me on the journey and path I was heading down, she has witnessed all the shit relationships, all the shit decisions I have made, she has often been a constant passenger sometimes against her will.
Despite it being the hardest job in the world, I am thankful that I have a relationship with my kids, I cannot imagine how it must feel for the parents whose invisible unbilicle cord has been severed because of death or is strained because they no longer talk.
I am thankful for all the rewards when they are good I am good, I have raised two beautiful kids, I can now stand back and observe one of my daughters who has a son of her own and who is starting her own journey of motherhood, knowing that she too will at some point go through the roller coaster of high’s and low’s that both me and my own mother have endured.
I am thankful that I still have my mother, I know she still suffers the same pain as me sometimes, the hurt, the frustrations that come with being a mother. I am blessed our bond has been deepened by the shared understanding that we both now know what each other is going through. She has annoyed me, frustrated me but throughout she has been my constant, my rock! I hope that now everything I do makes her proud and that all the pain that I inflicted not just upon myself, but also on her in the past was worth it to see the person I have become today –
Mothers day comes around every year and every year I am asked the same question “what would you like for mother’s day?” and I reply the same every year “Oh I don’t know, it’s not a big deal!” I don’t want grand gestures or my kids to pay over the top, inflated prices for a meal, the best present both my kids could give me is, me knowing that “they are happy and ok!” I’ll take that, that warm feeling of knowing you kids feel safe and content is priceless and no amount of money nor gifts can replace that feeling.
So to all the mothers out there Happy Mother’s Day, try and have a day off… Make time for you, You friggin deserve it, to all the kids who are not yet parents, “make the most of you being
Love Fordy x