Having felt emotionally and mentally vulnerable over recent weeks and despite all the positive self-talk #Havingawordwimesen, some days it works, I feel fine then boom other days I’m not so fine. You may have noticed that post on here are on the decline and so has my sense of well being.
Some mornings have literally felt like waking up with a hangover, but without the alcohol the night before, which is even worse! at least I could blame the shit feeling on alcohol! I even googled it, and guess what? There is such a thing as an emotional hangover The idea is that the effects of an emotional event can linger for a while after the event actually happens — the same way nausea lingers long after you’ve consumed one too much alcohol. This event can be anything from an argument with your best friend to a break up with your partner, it could be anything but while the event is over, your head is still reeling and messing with your current emotions. There even been some research into it!
I could relate straight away to the article, thoughts of self-doubt fuelling the internal sense of worthlessness, have tainted me emotionally ultimately affecting how I have reacted or behaved in certain situations. I have felt unable to pinpoint any actual trigger or the source of my discomfort, but deep down know it has been work-related, this is my echelles heal, because I love my job, I love partnership working and the people I work with, and despite this, something still hasn’t been quite right.
I haven’t even been writing, not even in my personal journal, because I didn’t know where to start, but then I came across this quote in a new book I have been reading by Brene Brown, she wrote “nothing has transformed my life more than realizing that’s it’s a waste of time trying to evaluate my worthiness by weighing the reactions of the people in the stands….”
And there is was, the words laid bare, I realised that for the past few weeks I had been measuring my own self-worth, based on what other people thought, I what I assumed they were thinking.
I took the advice from the emotional hangover article and decided to write down all the incidents/scenarios’ that had left me feeling pissed off, undervalued and I started to recognise where some of the anger had stemmed from and could clearly see how I had been allowing external factors influence me internally, How much time, precious time and energy on what others thought and not saving anything back for myself and asking myself “what do I think? Or what do I know to be true?”
I had stopped reflecting, checking in with myself, stopped #havingawordwimesen, putting others before myself, going with the flow, I stopped saying NO to appease the status quo, I’d stopped putting me first.
“Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in. Vulnerability is not weakness, and the uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure we face every day are not optional. Our only choice is a question of engagement. Our willingness to own and engage with our vulnerability determines the depth of our courage and the clarity of our purpose;”
“Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead” by Brené Brown
We are unfortunately creatures of habit, and sometimes without persistence or practice, we can easily slip back into unhealthy habits, which for me is the negative narrative of self-doubt. I have spent almost three-quarters of a lifetime thinking or believing “that I wasn’t good enough”. So I am trying not to be so hard on myself because that ain’t going to help neither, i just need to remind myself of that daily…
You think that I strong
But boy are you wrong
I see it in their faces
They know I’m not right
I cannot deny
I’m struggling to cope
The worst part is
I don’t know why
Feel open and exposed
Scared I’ll implode
I know you see my discomfort
Don’t ask me to explain
If I knew I would tell you
Trust me I want to know the same
I try pushing aside
The thoughts and feelings inside
But they won’t go away
They are threatening to stay
I’m sick of the feelings
They’ve outstayed their welcome
I need to be brave
And take a look inside
Because I know deep down
That’s where the answers reside
“But what if I don’t like what I find?”
The vulnerable thought hovers in my mind?
What I do then?
So I tell myself
"Take a good long look in the mirror and...
#Shithappens to the best of all of us, it is just sometimes some shit is harder to get our heads around!
I share my vulnerability not for pity, but help others understand that they are not on their own, Love Fordy