I knew deep down that my drug use couldn’t go on forever, I just never knew when or what would make it stop, I was praying for someone, something any intervention to make all the pain go away. This period of my life was like being in a real-life nightmare, I knew my drug use was causing me harm, physically, emotionally and spiritually, but still, I felt compelled to use it.
I can still vividly recall the many time’s I would look at my gear before ingesting it, knowing deep down it wasn’t good for me, I could stare at it for a while but could see no other alternatives so just went into “Fuck it” mode and would down the lot.
My thinking became so distorted I truly believed that the drugs were giving me some relief from life at that time, I had developed a warped sense of reality, I no longer trusted anyone, apart from one person, my dealer.
We would spend hours talking shit, I felt like he was the only person who knew me, got me, understood me, turns out this was just a part of my delusions, psychosis brought on by my dependency on the drugs.
I loved my job, It was my only place of sanctuary away from home, I love the customers the camaraderie but I could also sense that, that was also spiraling out of control, people started to treat me differently (or so I thought, I never considered it might be me) I was becoming less reliable and then one day I was given pay packet and asked to not come back.
I was a walking paradox, I was a fake, everything about me was a lie, to the outside world all was good, life was good, but on the inside, I was screaming and crying to be helped, but the words would never come.
I tried to hide my raging habit from friends and especially family fearing what might happen if people did find out, Oh god the shame I would bring on the family I couldn’t tell people that my parters job was dealing drugs and I was his joey, but they knew something wasn’t right.
Family and friends questioned my ever decreasing weight loss, I would shrug it off and blame work or being forever busy and always on the go, or worse I would interpret their questioning as being envious for not being able to lose weight themselves.
I became a master manipulator, I could twist people’s concerns and make them about them and not me. My mom had tried to seek help and had me assessed by professionals, on one occasion she even called the police, but would always deny that I had a problem and of course the offers of support.
All this did was isolate me even more which was more soul-destroying. I couldn’t go on like this forever, I knew something had to give and it eventually did, I snapped.
I gave up, I didn’t care anymore, I had no more fight left me, I realised I didn’t care what my partner said anymore, his words just bounced off me, they no longer perpetrated me as they had done before, I no longer gave a fuck about anything including myself!
I can look back now and say hand on my heart that my addiction was the best thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change a thing, the lessons learned have been life-changing, and any old or new ambitions I ever had have been realised in my recovery.
My drug addiction took me to dark places within myself I never knew existed, in early recovery I was still in that dark place, but I was brave enough to switch a light on when i did I started to see myself differently. My recovery was and has been slow, painful and many a time has been extremely hard, the struggle was real, but then when I compare it to how I was when using, there is no comparison.
In my early recovery whilst I still felt isolated, physically and mentally, I knew I had to step away from old associates and take a risk on trying to find out who I was. Ironically I started to feel more comfortable with being alone, not depending on or someone being dependant on me offered some light relief, it was a different kind of isolation.
I had always ways been incredibly resourceful, so a large part of my recovery was about honing these skills to better use. This meant focusing on me, putting myself first instead of everyone else, even when at the time this felt selfish and self-indulgent, I knew deep down it was the right thing to do.
I started to learn and assess the healthy and unhealthy ways that I was using my energy and learned to identify my positive and negative behaviour patterns.
The relationships that count have been restored and the new friendships that I used to desperately seek out are now present and a constant in my life.
I am now longer afraid of my feelings, including the negative ones, I now realise that this is part of who we all are, we all will experience pain, whether self-inflicted or by another, it one part of being human.
Before I felt constantly suffocated by my thoughts too afraid to say what I thought, now I will tell you what I think, no longer afraid to share my views out of fear of being laughed at or brushed off.
I am better able to accept that change is inevitable, I come to accept that time and other peoples actions are out of my control, the only thing I have control over is how I respond to change. I am willing to take a risk and have learned to trust that success always out weights the failures.
Life feels less frightening I am less afraid of failure I welcome failure, we all need failure, it helps us learn, failure isn’t a bad thing it is healthy, its character building and improves our sense of resilience.
Rather than bottling up what’s happening for me, I will now confide with people who I trust, people who are able and willing to accept me for who I am and who will tell me the things I might not like to hear.
Hand on my heart I truly believe that had it not been for my brush with addiction, I wouldn’t be who I am today, if you are in dark place, I encourage you to never give up on yourself, you are more than you think or feel you are, find the courage to switch the light on within yourself to find your way out
Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more post, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too, Love Fordy x