Looking back on your life ask yourself If you didn’t know any different, how are you supposed to know?

Over recent weeks I have met a number of people who are still suffering from issues, things in their past (particularly from childhood) that still affects them in the present day…

  • Angry with themselves for choices they made in the past
  • Carrying blame and shame from the choices they made in the past 
  • Angry at choices other people made that impacted on them from the past
  • Angry at how they were treated in the past

The list goes on

If I was to allow myself to  be scrutinised by some parts of society some might say that I have made a lot of mistakes in the past, many bad life choices, and I would totally agree. But I would always argue that many of my decision I made in life, (Informed or ill-informed)  had been based on what I knew, at that time, based my environment, my understanding of the environment.

We can only make informed decisions with the knowledge, understanding that we have at any given time! 

I witnessed the fall out from complex relationships seen love and abuse used at the same time, it didn’t make sense. As a kid I would act up, lash out, hurting those close to me, it was never my intention to hurt anyone if I did it was because I was hurting and confused myself. 

But I can look back now and see it for what it was, I was just a kid, confused, unsure, I saw life through many lenses, I saw injustice, experienced stigma, even imposed shame based on others moral code, There was a time where I blamed almost all the adults and everyone around me for my unhappiness, I never once questioned theirs, or what circumstances, information, choices or options that they had at that time. 

How long do you hold onto sad memories, resentments? What purpose does it serve you now, where you are today? I reasoned if I am going to afford myself some slack, why shouldn’t I afford them the same? 

There have been times as a parent, I have often questioned how my life choices may have impacted on my children, after all, I made some ill-informed life choices, and It can sometimes hurt if I dwell on it too much to know that my choices had an impact on them further in life, but I cannot change the decisions/life choices I made at that time, because at that time, I didn’t know any different, I did what I thought was best, at that time. 

In our society sensitivity is frequently seen as a detriment rather than a strength, BULLSHIT, we are all complex beings and Its ok to be passionate, upset or angry, hurt, that’s the sensitive side of us, its normal to experience these emotions. The key is what we do with them that counts.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, we can look back and see things for what they were, but we do have a choices, we can either repeat the same mistakes drag our resentments around with us for a lifetime or we can try to make sense of our past, learn from them, now that’s where the magic of discovery in recovery takes place.

For years I would carry these resentments around like a dark cloud, I had the biggest chip on my shoulder, I didn’t realise that I could actually let go of a lot of them? 

One of the saddest parts was when I came to realise that the very same people I held resentment or hatred towards, were mostly oblivious  about my resentments towards them, it didn’t affect them as they did me, I wasn’t hurting them, the only person I was hurting was myself. 

Holding onto the past isn’t healthy for your future, I found that by holding on and blaming others kept me paralysed and any decision I made was stained with resentments. 

If there is one thing I am certain of, is that we are all always learning, 

I realise that the older I get, the less I know. I am always learning, learning about myself, learning and understanding my past, learning from others. 

My recovery has been an insightful discovery being able to untangle unresolved issues from the past. Understanding my own learning about my own past, also played a big part in affording those I held resentments against the same understanding? Now I am not suggesting that we forgive everything or everyone but being able to understand, acknowledge and accept – The best part is you have a choice to let it go… 

Be mindful of what you are thinking, how we talk to ourselves and our thoughts can have a  big impact on how we see a situation. Not every thought you think is a fact, and you have a choice to challenge or understand what, why and how you think. – more often than not if you rationally work through your thinking you will undoubtedly find a limiting belief formed from an unresolved past experience, that has probably been lying dormant in your unconscious for years. 

My advice to anyone who is still hurting from issues from the past, carrying resentments or carrying guilt is to try and understand your past, look at it from other angles perhaps, see it for what it was and LET GO after all the only person that you are hurting is you, and potentially others around you. 

Ask yourself is it time to break the cycle, is it time to stop blaming others for who you are and start working on you because after all, that’s the only person who does count.

I say #FUCKTHEPAST it’s gone, you can’t bring it back, you cannot go back and change it, but you can look forward, forgive yourself and those ill-informed decisions you made in the past and leave them there where they belong.

Make peace with your past and live for the future, after all, you only get one shot at this thing we call life – go fucking live it

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

Love Fordy x

 

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Its not just the addict that needs help and support

Unless you have ever had a loved one entrenched in addiction, with no desire or will to pull themselves out of their misery, you can simply never understand the conflicting guilt, physical and anger that a loved one of the addict goes through. Living with emotions, like a pendulum swinging from one extreme to another, rarely settling in the middle.

You worry about them constantly — you can’t sleep, you can’t focus, and your heart stops every time the phone rings. The fear of losing them consumes you, and your focus becomes doing anything and everything you can to help them get better. 

Now I am not suggesting that dealing with a loved one’s addiction is easy but keeping the following things in mind can help you better address your loved one’s alcohol and drug abuse.

Letting go of control 

While you may be tempted to make it your mission to save your loved one from themselves, this will only leave you exhausted, hurt, and maybe even resentful. You may feel as if you are not doing enough to help your loved one, but you need to understand that no matter how hard you try, you cannot control their addiction. No amount of begging, pleading, threatening, or ultimatums will make your loved one stop drinking or using. 

Whether you realize it or not, your loved one’s addiction is taking a toll on your life. And you need to start making yourself a priority. Working on letting go of trying to control their addiction, you must come to accept that you are only in control of your life, you also have a life, away from the addict and embark on your journey of healing and recovery.

Letting go of blame

You probably never imagined that addiction would become a part of your life, but it has you may be wondering if you were responsible for your loved ones use. Did you not love them enough? Too much? Was it something you said? Did? Didn’t do? The questions are endless, and they can drive you mad, but the truth is that you didn’t cause your loved one to drink or use — even if they blame you for it.

The underlying cause for their addiction may not be clear to you. They may be dealing with trauma that you’re unaware of or having difficulty managing their emotions. Regardless of what’s behind their addiction, remember that you are not responsible, and allowing unwarranted guilt to consume you will only end up hurting you and your loved one.

But remember you are not alone, research estimates that in the UK YouGov that almost 1 in 3 adults in the UK have been negatively affected by the substance use of someone they know.

Don’t let their addiction become your addiction

It is normal for your loved one’s addiction to have an impact on your life. However, this doesn’t mean that you have to allow it to consume your every moment. As challenging as it may be, you will need to set boundaries. Whether it’s not giving them any more money, refusing to engage with them when they’re under the influence, or establishing a curfew or boundaries can help you and your loved one know what is and isn’t acceptable.

Remember though, it may take a few tries, there is no right or wrong, just try to find a balance between helping your loved one and taking care of yourself. Remind yourself that you should never feel guilty for doing what is right for you, even if it upsets your loved one. Just be sure that your decisions come from a place of love rather than anger or fear.

Don’t lose hope

Watching your loved one tackle addiction day after day is incredibly taxing. It can be a particularly hard pill to swallow if your loved one has tried to get clean before but continues to relapse. I know, I get it! it is like you are on the roller coaster with them. But it’s important to hold on to hope no matter how many setbacks you’re loved one experiences.

It may seem counter-intuitive to put yourself first, make time for you, but trust me, focusing on you, your needs, making time for your own maintenance or recovery is essential.

Here are some of the things that families often find helpful:

  • Carving out a small slot in the week to do something just ‘for you’. Re-read a favourite book, take a walk in the park, curl up with a magazine, take a bath, paint your nails, re-discover a long lost hobby.
  • Mindfulness. There are now many apps and local classes to help us practice mindfulness which is scientifically proven to improve wellbeing and reduce stress.
  • Re-connect with old friends. Families affected by drugs and alcohol often become isolated from previous social networks.
  • Get some exercise. A brisk walk, a cycle or a favourite class has many health and wellbeing benefits, not least that it will release endorphins that improve your mood.
  • Buy a diary, offload your thoughts, clear your mind
  • Take a break. Many family members of those who use drugs or alcohol feel unable to get away because of the unpredictability of their loved one’s behaviour. But a change of scene, even for a weekend, can make a huge difference to the rest of the family.
  • Find a local support group or an online forum where you can speak openly and offload how YOU are feeling

A word from the author

My dad died with as much dignity as an addict could, he wasn’t found on a street, out in the cold, he was at home surrounded by his daughters, he died knowing he was loved. I learned that dad was more than his addiction and in a bizarre kinda way we had a unique relationship, one that I will cherish If I am guilty of cooking meals, doing laundry, running errands then sue me? 

My dad’s addiction and ultimate death took my on a journey at the time I wasn’t ready or prepared for, but as I look back, I am no longer left with regrets or sadness, I am left with memories that will stay with me for a lifetime. Learning to let go of the guilt, the anger has helped me see beyond myself and see the past for what it was, a series of events that took place. I am a stronger version of who I once was and I wouldn’t change a thing.

Shithappens whether we like it or not, its how we deal with the shit that counts, so on that note.

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

Love Fordy x

 

 

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