#ShitDIDHappen

A few weeks ago, there was a lot of uncertainly, the news about COVID19 was starting to get more and more serious. Looking back, I think many of us (myself included, I wrote about it) were in a state of denial. But as the worst-case scenarios were becoming a reality and if we (front line staff) thought we were under pressure before we are all certainly now, no fucker was immune, we are ALL having to adapt to conditions of crisis

My last day in the office comprised of being as productive and practical as I could, dealing with ongoing work and sorting an alternative/temp email address and gathering as many of my contacts as I could before saying goodbye to my desk for god knows how long…

The thought of working from home would have been bliss a few weeks ago, but truth be told now I have been forced to do it, I have found it even harder than I ever anticipated. 

I was fortunate I already had a space to work from at home, my own laptop, desk which was reserved for me, it was a sanctuary, my quiet place, a place to write. I hadn’t given using this space as an office a second thought, until a couple of days in, working from home until I realised that what was once my safe space had become a place of stress.

I had turned my place of sanctuary from a space where I could think freely, write freely to a fucking war zone, franticly firing out emails one after the other and waiting anxiously for a reply. 

Christ, it’s been fucking hard– now don’t get me wrong I’m feeling a whole lot better. I can spout tips about self-care to others, but I have had to seriously apply some of my own advice to myself over the past two weeks. The self-imposed pressure has laid heavily on my chest, at times I have felt unable to breathe, my mind was and still is running at one hundred miles an hour trying to figure out the best way to be productive, helpful when at the same time feeling fucking powerless.

Torn not being able to offer my face to face skills and experience to other colleagues on the front line to offer some respite who desperately deserve it has been heart-breaking. Truth be told I didn’t realise just how much I depended on connecting with others face to face.

The only saving grace has been purchasing ZOOM which provided some virtual contact and connection with others some sort of normalcy in a world of insanity.

I have found myself working some unhealthy hours and have struggled to stay away from the computer, which for me has become my only source/conduit to continue to help and communicate with the outside world. 

I would love to be on the front line, physically helping, but I can’t, so I am finding myself constantly looking for other ways to try and be useful – this is hard. I’m missing the challenging face to face meetings, the office banter, craving for a sense of life as it was before.

And I know that for many of my colleagues the challenges are even harder, having to care for kids, loved ones self-isolating and looking after the family – I class myself lucky.

The reality is whether people accept it or not is that the legacy of this pandemic will live with us for years, perhaps decades to come. It will change the way we move, build, learn, and connect – fuck it already has!

Aisha S. Ahmad an expert in global crisis recently explained that “No sane person feels good during a global disaster, so be grateful for the discomfort of your sanity”. Well, I for one am trying to go with the flow of this discomfort, ride the way as they say until the storm dies down, whenever that will be. I’ve heard talk about things going back to normal, but things will never go back to exactly as they were before, there will be some similarities, but it will never go back to the way life was before.

One week in working from home, I am slowly learning to adapt, after many futile conversations and arguments with negative Nancy, I have finally (I think) started to come to terms with the fact that this is how things are going to be for a while and I’m going to have to stop feeling fucking sorry for myself. 

I find myself always looking for positives out of negatives and in all this insanity there have been many.  

I have shared my vulnerability with others and learned that I am not alone, that I am not the only one who feels like they are losing it! 

I have never been afraid to take a risk, try something new, this crisis is the perfect breeding ground for working differently and the opportunity to try something new, think differently. 

After hearing of so many deaths of late I class myself extremely fortunate that I haven’t lost touch with loved ones forever, I might not be able to hug them or kiss them, but I am I can facetime them, see their faces I can still be there for them emotionally.

Christ, I am actually saving money! the gym membership has been canceled, I am now working out from home taking advantage of the free HIIT sessions widely available, I have walked around my neighbourhood and walked paths I never knew existed. 

But the best positive I can take away from this whole disaster is a stark reminder that its ok to not be ok! I am not the only person freaking out!

I am going to just have to get my head around it, I will need plenty of #Havingawordwimisen sessions (we all are) – but I also know that won’t readjust overnight and that it is going to take time – something I have shit loads of at the present moment, I am just re-evaluating how I spend and use it not just for work but for myself and my own personal self-esteem. 

Fuck me “What I wouldn’t do to be able to go back to work, to log onto my computer right now…”

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe AND more importantly Stay Sane 

 

Love Fordy

 

Fear on the unknown and our thought’s can spread faster than any virus

There is no denying these are scary times and with so much doom and gloom we face pretty much no one is immune to the sense of fear that has enveloped and wrapped our society as we once knew it! I cannot deny it myself for the past few days I have questioned my mental health, I haven’t felt the anxiety-like this for a long time. Surrounded by my colleagues and friends in permanent reactive mode fighting the unknown, the future has felt very uncertain at times.

Most of the things people are currently questioning I have questioned before in my recovery journey. So here’s me, giving me head a wobble and having a word wi mesen,

Habit – We are creatures of habit, many of us don’t like change and feel that we are being asked or forced to change and some habits re harder to change than others.

Isolation – We thrive on human connection but we are being asked to isolate, there are many reasons that people are fearful of isolation, isolation implies we have to stop doing something but in my early recovery this was essential in order for me to flourish.

Isolation has implications for many in a very practical sense too…

  • Lack of contact with loved ones – in some cases this is life or death
  • being forced to spend time with people we fear  
  • Families are having to reevaluate how they spend more time with their kids 
  • The restricted activity can leave people feeling like they no purpose 
  • The fragile economy – impounded by images of businesses closing
  • Empty shop shelves 

But what is as dangerous as the virus, is that many of us as a society regardless of your ages, health status, wealth, or lack of it is that many of us are being forced to have a re-think. There are many similarities when we think about addiction. The difference is we are being forced into a period of self-reflection, and trust me, there are a lot of people out there who are afraid to think for themselves or who have lost the ability too because it has been so much easier to allow others to do their thinking for them. 

People are having to re-evaluate, consider change, adapt, think of better coping strategies, second guess the difference between right or wrong, questioning themselves, questioning others? they’re motives or lack of – There are many similarities when we think about recovery!

This is also the perfect breeding ground for people to deflect and blame others to protect and shield them from what’s going on for them. I do worry for the vulnerable, people on the streets whose only source of human contact is from strangers and fellow mates on the streets. Or for those natural-born carers forced to switch the attention on themselves before others, this can feel alien for many who thrive on helping others or feel they have lost what once distracted them from themselves. – There are many similarities when we think about codependency! 

But there ARE opportunities and some positives that we can reflect on during the time of uncertainly 

We can treat isolation as an opportunity to reflect on ourselves, evaluate our priorities (i mean having the latest iPhone or flash care won’t protect you from the fucking virus) Its an opportunity to reflect on the things that many of us took for granted, simple things like buying bog roll from the shop for crying out loud!

Neighbours don’t have to be strangers there is an opportunity to learn more about your local community and who lives in it.  Speaking to people we might normally ignore because of our previous preconceptions = Reducing stigma 

Even in isolation, we can still communicate, in fact we have more time to make that call that we have been meaning to make for ages, to check on friends and family – We can still reach out.

There are opportunities to work smarter (I believe that this IS a positive, with cancelled meetings, priorities have changed, it has helped some colleagues refocus on the needs of the clients before policies and procedures). 

Amongst all the negative press on TV and social media, in particular, there has been a surge in compassion and willingness to help out strangers, a real sense of camaraderie and willingness to work together like never before. There is an opportunity to form some new habits, healthier ones. – We can search out the positive news stories – be inspired.

We have to start learning to accept that regardless of status or power, no fucker ever gets it right, there will be many unforeseen casualties from the current crisis, but it is also an opportunity to make a difference.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even when life gets shit and feels dire we can always take some positives out of any situation. This is our opportunity as a society to think differently, act and behave more compassionately with each other. 

At some point life will settle back to some sort of normality, there will be scars and casualties that we will all be able to reflect and dwell on, but what will we have learned? 

Shit Happens that’s a fact of life, our societies have experienced far worse and survived the key is how we respond to the challenges is what’s going to make a difference, learning to channel our concerns into actions to protect ourselves, our loved ones and our communities.

Spreading fear and scaremongering doesn’t help anyone we have to try our best to focus on the positives, so on that note what positives can you take from this difficult time?

Keep Calm, Look after yourselves, look out for others

Much Love Fordy xxx

PS I have provided some helpful links below from the World Health Organisation 

Myth Busters

Frequently asked questions

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe 

 

When tough love is no longer an option – Understanding End of Stage Alcoholism

I find it hard sometimes working in the recovery field, in one breath I am promoting recovery and that it is possible, but in the other breath, I know that this isn’t always the case.

I use the Prochaska and DiClementi’s cycle of change a lot in my work (see diagram below) it is a great tool to help people identify where they are at in their addiction. For a couple of years, dad went around the cycle like a fucking Catherine wheel, with every relapse brought hope, an opportunity for change, but it never lasted long.

After about 18th months into dad’s alcoholism, his cycle started to go anti-clockwise, I hadn’t heard about End Stage Alcoholism, none of the medical staff mentioned it (Or maybe they did and we were too stressed to take it all in) this cycle takes the addict and the family on a very different journey.

I have come up with a new cycle to help people understand the End Stage Of Addiction

1. Denial – Dad knew he wasn’t well, but it was never the alcohol, he would try to minimise the levels of drinking from the doctors, even though his deteriorating health, failing liver was because of his drinking. He had been told on numerous times that “If he continued to drink he would die” but the fact he was still breathing was evidence that anything the doctors said was a lie, only enforcing his rational that drinking wasn’t the real problem – I recall the time as if it was yesterday when dad took a sip of his Jack Daniels and coke refusing to take paracetamol on the grounds that it was bad for his liver, the level of denial was insane.

5. Body Failing– His liver was no longer functioning, he had no appetite, he started losing control of his bowels, His belly would bloat making him look pregnant, his skin turned yellow looking like Homer Simpson, his skin was also getting thinner and bruised more easily. And despite all of this “it wasn’t the drink”

4. Deaths Door – Hospitalised again, with what seemed a never-ending cycle of health problems, enforced detox to treat his alcohol-related health conditions. Following the detox, his mind would be clear free of the alcohol toxins and he would swing between apologetic or angry that he was back in the hospital.

3. Recovery – Dads back, sometimes he would have a newfound sense of determination, this time would be different, he would go Alcohol-Free, or stick to a beer, promising to stay away from the top shelf.

2. Complacency – I’m feeling loads better, I’ll have just one, it won’t be the same, I’ll stay away from the spirits and stick to cans of beer. But it never last, before long he would be back on the spirits and the cycle would start all over again.

1. Denial – back to square one

When tough love is no longer an option

Unlike say an opioid overdose death that can happen in a matter of minutes, dying from end-stage alcoholism is usually slow, painful and undignified. We had done our mourning for the person he was before the drinking had taken ahold. Tough love wasn’t an option for us now, some of the health conditions, side affects of his drinking could not be ignored.  Enabling and caring was the only option. We talked a lot with dad, about what he wanted, he didn’t want to be sent back to the hospital, he was as sick of the cycle as much as we were, he had accepted defeat and wanted to die at home, unfortunately this didn’t happen overnight.

Here are some of the  comorbidities that dad suffered 

Cirrhosis of the liver caused others near-fatal side effects

Korsakoff syndrome -is a neurological condition found in end-stage alcoholics. It develops due to a thiamine (vitamin B1) deficiency (although this wasn’t diagnosed, dad definitely displayed many of the symptoms) 

Malnutrition – his body was preventing him to absorb the nutrients it needed

Hepatic Coma was given days to live, he survived but then contracted MRSA, resulting in bedsores which required new dressing every day.

Ascites – where fluid accumulates in the stomach

Jaundice – a resulting from Liver Disease

Esophageal varices -coughing blood

Peripheral edema – a build-up of fluid causing swelling in his legsWernicke-

We resigned ourselves and essentially started providing palliative and end of life care the best we could between us. But this was hard, it went against everything I believed in, I felt like an accomplice assisting dad to slowly kill himself which was the last thing any of his loved ones wanted for him.

Caring for someone who is at end-stage alcoholism can be traumatic, often the addict is so out of it they are often unaware of the severity of their condition, but the carers are.

It’s at this point that the carers of someone who is at end stage, need support, not well-meaning advice or ideas about how to get your loved one into recovery, it has gone way past that, the bottom line is that unfortunately, not everyone recovers from addiction.

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

 

 

Negotiating Boundaries in Recovery

 

I used to be afraid of setting boundaries, mainly out of fear, but mostly because I was out of practice, or did I ever practice even? I was fearful of hurting, upsetting, disappointing, worried I would come across as being selfish, you name it the list goes on and on.

I did have boundaries but they were in my head or heart, invisible to others because I didn’t let people know what they were. I found myself doing things I don’t want to do, or not saying what I wanted to say. Then I would get resentful and angry at the other person when in all fairness it was my fault, I was allowing myself to be used and hurt, eventually keeping everyone out.

I was essentially just people-pleasing consistently putting other people’s needs before my own, which only contributed to damaging my self-esteem and recovery in the longer run. 

I am fortunate that boundaries are not required in a lot of my relationships nowadays, I am respected and my needs are met, the word boundaries goes unspoken, I don’t need to explain my expectations or ask to asked how I want to be treated. But I have still have relationships where my boundaries are currently to the limit

For me, there are four key boundaries, that I keep in check 

Time – Making time for me and having it

People  – I am clear about the kinda people I want in my life and the ones I don’t

Emotional – having strategies in place that protect my feelings 

Drama – I decided what drama I will engage in and what I won’t 

I know life would be so much easier if people could assume and know what our boundaries were, but people are not mind readers, I know It feels shit and that some boundaries are harder to implement and stick to more than others, but if you are searching for some peace and want to nourish your self-esteem, YOUR recovery you will have to.

So how do you identify your boundaries?

I always advise someone who needs to establish some boundaries, to first negotiate with themselves, asking 5 simple questions, 

  1. What do I want? 
  2. What I can do
  3. What I can’t I do
  4. What I will do
  5. What I won’t do

Answer these questions and will have a clearer idea of what boundaries you will need to set if you are clear about the above answers. 

The next step is communicating it – now this can be the hard part, but you need to remember that our lives are a series of negotiations and we were given a voice for a reason, but to enforce our boundaries we have to voice them.

The truth is that some people won’t like your boundaries (especially if you’ve let them walk all over you in the past). However, many people in your life will adjust to your new boundaries. Some may initially be confused by your new-found assertiveness. Or they may not take it seriously and assume you’ll back down and go back to your old ways if they resit.  Remember this understandable, especially if you haven’t enforced your boundaries in the past. 

Some times I can feel like things get worse before they get better. But most people will adjust to your boundaries and learn to respect them. Some, of course, will continue to resist. It is at this point you have to decide whether or not you will continue to have that person in your life and say GOODBYE 

On a final note 

The boundaries you need to set are unique to you, sadly there are no rule books, so you will need to identify your specific boundaries, (talk to a trusted friend) practice asserting yourself, learn to continuously refine and update your boundaries as your needs and relationships change.

 

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

 

How do you protect your kids from their dad?

I left my partner over 25 years ago, but he is still there, I am still tethered by him through my kids. After years of manipulation, possessiveness, emotional blackmail, it took me years to heal from the emotionally abusive relationship, to psychologically heal. Whilst I have healed and moved on years later, I find I am going through it all again, but this time through my adult children and I simply do not know what to do.

I had tried to leave him a couple of times before, but I wasn’t psychologically strong enough, the manipulation, the emotional blackmail, financial abuse, using my kids as pawns a bargaining tool, the brainwashing “I wouldn’t be nothing without him” just reinforced the self-doubt that had weaved and gripped me. It was like being gagged, I couldn’t see or feel the ropes, but they were there all the time, getting tighter and tighter, suffocating all my self worth, so I would go back to him, like a scorned puppy with my tail between my legs, just reinforcing his ego that he was right all along.

He was a great showman, a master of manipulation, to the outside world he played the role as a perfect stay at home father, he didn’t go out with the lads he was an all-rounded family man. What people didn’t see was his self-obsession, sense of entitlement, he showed no concern for others ( if he did it was for show) deep down all he ever cared about was his feelings and opinions.

He was perfect he never did anything wrong, he would always find a way to justify his behaviour and actions. He would compare his childhood or lack of it, to mine, justifying his insecurities, I would feel sorry for him and try and overcompensate for the life he felt he should have had, again the sense of entitlement was always overwhelming, he could never relate or put himself in anyone else’s shoes because he would be more worried about what their shoes looked like.

He would always be well presented, his hair was never overgrown or out of place, he insisted on wearing the best clothes, even when we couldn’t afford them, his clothes were a form of armor a way of deflecting his imperfections from the outside world.

If I ever got close to exposing him, or if he was feeling vulnerable he would smooch me with lines such as “you are all I have got” or even turn on the tears for double effect, managing to turn the sense of blame and shame on me! I simply cannot count the number of times he was able to do that? He’s was a great actor, he still is

I would have given him a Grammy award or hit him with the fucker! – for playing the role of victim, he was that good.

But in the eyes of everyone else, the law, he hadn’t harmed his kids, well not physically, it would have made things so much easier if I had cut all ties with him, including him seeing the kids, but in the eyes of the law, etc… he still had rights. Even when he was arrested and sentenced for dealing drugs he would still use the kids as a weapon a pawn in his attempt to win me back or feel like he still had a stake or say in my life.

In the early days, I would take the kids on visits, not for him, but for them, after all, they missed their dad. But he was never really interested in the kids the questions or enquires would always be about me, in the end, I had to cut off the visits and get someone else to take them. I couldn’t do it, I had moved on from his control and I simply couldn’t sit opposite a man that had emotionally abuse and used me for his self-gratification, not even for the sake of the kids.

Upon release, he would demand access to see the kids, but if he ever thought that I would be benefiting, let us say going out or doing something that I couldn’t have done without him minding the kids, he would come up with some excuse and let them down, he could never see that they only person he was hurting was the kids, it wasn’t me.

He never contributed financially awards he kids upbringing thinking or using the excuse that the money would be spent selfishly on me and not the kids. He could never see that after being the only breadwinner in the relationship, that I had learned how to be financially resourceful and that I had never needed him for his money.

I have always known deep down that he would hurt the kids emotionally, that he would play the same manipulation game through them and I couldn’t do a fucking anything about it! and now it’s happening, I feel powerless. As a parent, it is our instinct to protect our kids, but in this case, it is their own fucking dad!

I can get mad at myself knowing I allowed him to have contact with the kids when we separated, but I also know had I refused contact, all this would have done is give him the platform he needed to play the victim role, his favorite position. And he would never have let that happen, those kids were his birthright, his entitlement and deep down he knew there wasn’t a fucking dam thing I could do about it. It is my duty as a parent to protect my kids, I feel the guilt from knowing that It was me that has put them in this position, I couldn’t live with his manipulative behaviour, but my children now carry the burden that I was once able to escape.

People saw the signs, warned me about him, but I had to work him out for myself. I can now see him for what and who he truly is, he has a fragile ego, and brittle self-esteem, the person who portrays himself as having a strong psychological constitution is a very weak man.

I no longer feel or carry the blame for who he is. I used to think I could help him escape or see the light, get him to see sense, but I was never able to achieve that, and neither have the string of women he has latched onto over the years managed to achieve it neither.

His sense of reality is so distorted and ingrained that I know deep down he will never change, all the attempts made by many of the years, haven’t worked. I know my kids think that, well should I say hope that he will change, I see them try and I also see them fail and it is heartbreaking.

All I can do is be there for my kids, even though it never feels enough, all I can do is

  • Help them understand that they are not to blame for his behaviour or who he is
  • That they are not responsible for a 51-year-old man’s feelings
  • They are not responsible or to blame for his failed relationship
  • They are not responsible for his failed health
  • That they have nothing to be sorry for
  • That they have nothing to feel guilty about
  • That they have a right to live their own lives
  • That I am very proud of the women that they have become
  • That they are entitled to make their own mistakes and learn from them
  • Remind them that they are stronger than they think, they take after their mom
    That I will always be there to listen
  • I will always support them and help them work out what’s best for them
  • I will remind them that I don’t want anything in return except for their happiness
  • But most of all, remind them that it is ok to say NO

All I can do is say sorry and be there for them

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

 

Recovery Wobble

Recovery Wobble

Fuck it! I hear you say

Every reason to use

None to stay clean

“What’s the point” I hear you say

Stuck in between

Torn between right and wrong

I get it…

“The temptation to use is strong!

But before you use

Do ya sen a favour…

Just take five

Step back from the madness

Take a look inside…

Ask yourself this

“What’s causing you pain?”

“If you use what will you gain?”

You have got nothing to lose

But before you choose

Look how far you have come

Remember the challenges

You have overcome

Remember the pride

You glowed from inside

Remember the shame

It nearly drove you insane

You were once stuck in a rut

But then you found a way out

Are you going to throw it all away?

Because of a little doubt?

You’re having a wobble

It’s part of the journey

Go pick up a phone

You are not alone

Share your burden

Offload you’re thoughts

Give yourself a break

Trust me when I say

“You got this mate”

 

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.