A few weeks ago, there was a lot of uncertainly, the news about COVID19 was starting to get more and more serious. Looking back, I think many of us (myself included, I wrote about it) were in a state of denial. But as the worst-case scenarios were becoming a reality and if we (front line staff) thought we were under pressure before we are all certainly now, no fucker was immune, we are ALL having to adapt to conditions of crisis
My last day in the office comprised of being as productive and practical as I could, dealing with ongoing work and sorting an alternative/temp email address and gathering as many of my contacts as I could before saying goodbye to my desk for god knows how long…
The thought of working from home would have been bliss a few weeks ago, but truth be told now I have been forced to do it, I have found it even harder than I ever anticipated.
I was fortunate I already had a space to work from at home, my own laptop, desk which was reserved for me, it was a sanctuary, my quiet place, a place to write. I hadn’t given using this space as an office a second thought, until a couple of days in, working from home until I realised that what was once my safe space had become a place of stress.
I had turned my place of sanctuary from a space where I could think freely, write freely to a fucking war zone, franticly firing out emails one after the other and waiting anxiously for a reply.
Christ, it’s been fucking hard– now don’t get me wrong I’m feeling a whole lot better. I can spout tips about self-care to others, but I have had to seriously apply some of my own advice to myself over the past two weeks. The self-imposed pressure has laid heavily on my chest, at times I have felt unable to breathe, my mind was and still is running at one hundred miles an hour trying to figure out the best way to be productive, helpful when at the same time feeling fucking powerless.
Torn not being able to offer my face to face skills and experience to other colleagues on the front line to offer some respite who desperately deserve it has been heart-breaking. Truth be told I didn’t realise just how much I depended on connecting with others face to face.
The only saving grace has been purchasing ZOOM which provided some virtual contact and connection with others some sort of normalcy in a world of insanity.
I have found myself working some unhealthy hours and have struggled to stay away from the computer, which for me has become my only source/conduit to continue to help and communicate with the outside world.
I would love to be on the front line, physically helping, but I can’t, so I am finding myself constantly looking for other ways to try and be useful – this is hard. I’m missing the challenging face to face meetings, the office banter, craving for a sense of life as it was before.
And I know that for many of my colleagues the challenges are even harder, having to care for kids, loved ones self-isolating and looking after the family – I class myself lucky.
The reality is whether people accept it or not is that the legacy of this pandemic will live with us for years, perhaps decades to come. It will change the way we move, build, learn, and connect – fuck it already has!
Aisha S. Ahmad an expert in global crisis recently explained that “No sane person feels good during a global disaster, so be grateful for the discomfort of your sanity”. Well, I for one am trying to go with the flow of this discomfort, ride the way as they say until the storm dies down, whenever that will be. I’ve heard talk about things going back to normal, but things will never go back to exactly as they were before, there will be some similarities, but it will never go back to the way life was before.
One week in working from home, I am slowly learning to adapt, after many futile conversations and arguments with negative Nancy, I have finally (I think) started to come to terms with the fact that this is how things are going to be for a while and I’m going to have to stop feeling fucking sorry for myself.
I find myself always looking for positives out of negatives and in all this insanity there have been many.
I have shared my vulnerability with others and learned that I am not alone, that I am not the only one who feels like they are losing it!
I have never been afraid to take a risk, try something new, this crisis is the perfect breeding ground for working differently and the opportunity to try something new, think differently.
After hearing of so many deaths of late I class myself extremely fortunate that I haven’t lost touch with loved ones forever, I might not be able to hug them or kiss them, but I am I can facetime them, see their faces I can still be there for them emotionally.
Christ, I am actually saving money! the gym membership has been canceled, I am now working out from home taking advantage of the free HIIT sessions widely available, I have walked around my neighbourhood and walked paths I never knew existed.
But the best positive I can take away from this whole disaster is a stark reminder that its ok to not be ok! I am not the only person freaking out!
I am going to just have to get my head around it, I will need plenty of #Havingawordwimisen sessions (we all are) – but I also know that won’t readjust overnight and that it is going to take time – something I have shit loads of at the present moment, I am just re-evaluating how I spend and use it not just for work but for myself and my own personal self-esteem.
Fuck me “What I wouldn’t do to be able to go back to work, to log onto my computer right now…”
Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe AND more importantly Stay Sane