Life after caring – The void

 

Writing is my therapy, it’s my escape, a place to think, without interruption. Particularly lately what with the incessant negative news and views about society, COVID, BLM the economy, sometimes it’s easy to forget that amongst all these issues is that there are still millions of people who are afflicted by addiction, but that doesn’t make good news does it?

I was inspired this morning, I was pulling together a recovery story from a lady called Debbie. I was reminded that amongst all the negativity that there is so much magic taking place, that often goes unseen or doesn’t make the headline news, I also wrote this… Its called the Void

The Void

There’s a void, I’m not sure how to fill it

Especially now that you are no longer in it

I have dreamt of this moment and now that it’s here

I’ve changed my mind

“Come back Dad, there’s nothing to fear”

 

I have finally been released

From fight or flight mode

You’d think I’d be relieved

But I find I’m at a new crossroad

 

I feel numb inside

There is nothing left

I need to refuel

I need to move on from your death

 

Your life has ended

But mine still goes on

I can continue to mourn

Or I can learn to move on

 

I have chosen the latter

I know that’s what you would have wanted

I wish it was that easy

There are times I still feel haunted

 

In my dreams, I tried to reach you

But you couldn’t see

Locked in your addiction

You just couldn’t find the key

 

I still bear the scars

They will never go away

But I have learned how to cope

In my own way

 

My pledge in your death

Is to continue to fight

I will continue to write

 

I will speak up for others

Including, all the mums, dads, brothers and sisters

 

The void is still there

I don’t think it will ever go away

But I now have the strength and the courage

To make it through another day

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

 

Families & Friends of Addicts Coming Together

To stay or Walk away, that is the million-dollar question?

Families can often feel like bystanders watching in dismay as the addict’s actions and behaviours change, turning their loved ones into someone they barely recognise.

I can still hear my mother share how she felt in a film (Putting it into words) made by families sharing their experiences “I just wanted someone to come along, take her away and bring her back how she used to be”. But at that time the drugs had taken over my life and there was absolutely nothing my mother or loved ones could do. I was in complete denial about how my drug use had changed me. As far as I was concerned it was everyone and the world around me that had changed.

Years into my own recovery and without any warning I found the I was in the same position with my father that my mother had been in with me. I was that bystander, who felt powerless as alcohol had taken over his body and his mind turning him into someone I barely recognised.

Over the years I have seen families accessing support groups in search of answers or to try and work out what they can do to effect a “cure” and get their loved one back to normal. They hope for a quick fix, but sadly addiction can often be complex and hard to understand.

That’s why Family Support is vital

Families can be easily be distracted by the actions of the addict that they forget about themselves. They stop living their own lives and end up joining the addict on the merry-go-round of denial, anger, confusion, and blame.

  • Family support provides a space where families feel heard and listened to.
  • Family support can help lighten the burden of those feelings of stigma and shame that often families carry around, unseen to the trained eye.
  • Family Support offers an opportunity for families to learn and understand about addiction, which in itself is complex and cannot be taught overnight or just in a classroom.
  • Family support provides opportunities to be surrounded by others who understand, there may be similarities in the story’s shared, but everyone’s journey is unique to them.

Families should never give up hope for recovery for their loved one—for recovery can and does happen every day.  I feel privileged and proud to be a walking reminder and to be part of a movement in Sheffield (Sheffield Recovery Community) that highlights and demonstrates that there IS life after substance abuse.

But whilst they are sitting on the sidelines waiting for their loved one to embrace recovery, families need to start embracing their own needs

Family support offers an opportunity to learn more about what may be happening to the addict. It can help them to make sense of what drives and motivates addict’s behaviours and help them to develop new ways of coping, which can help reduce the feelings of helplessness.

I firmly believe that even if the families have made a choice to either stay or walk away, they still need support to come to terms with the feelings of loss and pain, they deserve to be recognised.

Families and friends of addicts used to have a voice in Sheffield. We once had a thriving community of peer-led family support groups, that eventually came together to form the Sheffield Families and Friends Alliance Group.

Unfortunately, due to funding cuts and shifting priorities the focus on families and those affected by a loved one’s addiction slowly melted away, it was like the volume had been turned down on their voices.

The more and more I write about my story, I feel the increasing need to turn the volume back up and champion the support needs of Families & Friends affected by addiction. I am proud to be part of a new support group that starts, next Wednesday, this is me doing my bit for the often unseen victims of addiction.

Love Fordy

The groups will run via Zoom every Wednesday evening from 7 pm-8 pm, starting on 17th June. If you interested in attending, want links to the meeting or would like to know more about the group, please contact Mike Dixon on 07837446951

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

 

 

 

 

You have heard about second-hand smoking, but have you heard of second hand-drinking?

So back in the day second-hand smoking really changed public opinion and paved the way for legislation to make bars and public places smoke-free. There was some resistance, I resisted it myself particularly when us smokers weren’t allowed to smoke in say pubs or in shopping centers.

When the impact of second-hand smoke was explained, people started to make the link that someone else’s smoking was the reason for their asthma attacks, respiratory infections, ear infections, heart disease, or lung cancer. 

 As this understanding grew, more people gained the information and the confidence they needed to take a stand against a person’s cigarette smoke. The awareness enabled people to think about doing what they needed to do to protect and repair their own health, regardless of whether the smoker stopped smoking.

So, let’s apply the second-hand smoking analogy to drinking

From personal experience one of the major second-hand impact of dads drinking for me was

Living in constant fight-or-flight stress response, which was repeatedly triggered, never knowing whether I would find dad dead, or injured as a consequence of falls.

Or all the arguments with other family members and friends about dad’s alcohol consumption and his behaviour and my inability to walk away.

The emotional abuse caused by his manipulative behaviour, like the time he told me he had cancer by way of justifying his drinking, which was a lie.

Or trying to manage his mental health, such as dealing with late-night calls that he was going to kill himself.

Feeling constantly defeated and exhausted by dad’s inability to see how he was slowly killing himself and having to stand by and watch him commit slow suicide.

15 years on, I have come along way, I have been able to heal from a lot of the consequences of second-hand drinking. Some people might say OR think “trace its time to move on” but I can’t, I feel so passionately for those who are still suffering in silence and who are often overlooked because all the attention is focused on the addict.

I feel grateful that there is more and more research being done into second-hand drinking and the effects. A study in 2015 found that an estimated 53 million adults — or nearly 1 in 5 — said they had experienced at least one harm attributable to someone else’s drinking in the past year. NOW that’s a lot of people!

It’s a relief to hear researches are starting to recognise what I and others affected by a loved one’s addiction have been saying for years.

So when I hear quotes from the likes of Sir Ian Gilmore, the chair of the Alcohol Health Alliance and the director of the Liverpool Centre for Alcohol Research, saying “There is undoubtedly harm from second-hand smoke, but the range and magnitude of harms are likely to be even greater from alcohol.” I finally feel heard.

So to summarise – Second-hand drinking can be defined as the negative effects people experience by being around those who drink alcohol excessively.

And just like second-hand smoking were people were able to think about doing what they needed to do to protect and repair their own health, regardless of whether the smoker stopped smoking. If you are a family member or friend and you believe you are affected by second-hand drinking you too can take steps to repair your own health regardless of whether the drinker stops drinking.

Based on my own personal experience there are a number of things I would advise you to do  

Seek out support there are so many sources of support available, mainly online and telephone at the moment due to COVID

Family & Friends Recovery – Sheffield  

Sheffield Recovery Community 

Al-Anon 

Talk and talk some more, start working on accepting that you ARE affected by second-hand drinking and that second-hand drinking is an actual thing.

Educate yourself, even since dad passed, I have continued to educate myself and others about the often-unseen impact addiction has not just on the addict, but the impact on their loved ones. Adfam is a good source 

There are some GREAT books out there such as

If you loved me you would stop

Codependent no more

Work on your boundaries, and when I say boundaries, I’m not just referring to physical boundaries, there are material, emotional, mental, spiritual boundaries

And on a final note, If you are a dependant drinker and you think that your drinking is just harming you, then I would say to you…

“Think again”

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too