“what the fuck is she on about today?” Trust me I probably don’t know me fucking sen!

I started reading a book yesterday “Your Story how to write it and make it happen” by Joanne Fedler and its “fucking amazing”. Honestly, after the first two pages of reading, I felt like she was actually talking to me! 

Even though the book is aimed at people wanting to ‘write’ like me, she strips away all the stigma, barriers, self doubt and ‘Bullshit’ that “we” place on ourselves, not just about writing but life in general and I can totally relate to that.

This blogging and writing malarkey is sort of me own therapy, a way for me to start “questioning” me sen! learning to “understand” me sen again.

So if you are wondering sometimes “what the fuck is she on about today?” Trust me I probably don’t know me fucking sen!

Any way this Joanne, conducted a survey asking writers “what stops you from writing?” And many of the answers are the ‘FUCKING exact same as mine. Some of the reasons I already knew deep down, but others – well I am working on this and learning to ‘Stop being so fucking hard on me sen” its no wonder its taken so fucking long to make ‘proper’ start, even though the desire to write has ALWAY’s been there in me. So heres what people said;

  • Fear of not being good enough – tick – always felt like this 
  • Do I have anything of value to say? – tick – well I’m a gobby shit and  I think I have plenty of things to say of value, but value to me, not ‘everyone’ see’s my point of view!
  • Fear that I am not a great writer tick – for all you grammar police out there fuck off “I’m still learning!”
  • I am worried that people will think the book is shittick well she doesn’t say ‘Shit’ , she says ‘Dreadful’ but ‘hey I am trying to develop my voice AND I tend to swear alot! 
  • Fear of not being good enough fucking “BIG” tick
  • Anxiety about the relevance and quality of the writing – tick

She then goes on to talk about  reasons people don’t make a start because:

  • There are so many books out there, wonder if its worth it- tick
  • I’m not “real” writer – tick – I’m starting to learn that there isn’t an actual degree that qualifies you as a “writer” if you can write, your a writer!
  • I don’t know how to make the writing make “fucking” senseagain she doesn’t actually say that she says “clever” and “fancy” and their aint nowt fancy about me 
  • Your not sure if you have enough motivation to finish writing – tick – I actually laughed out loud at this, as I have been trying to write this “fucking” book for the past “8 years” and still not got past chapter 4, for fucks sake ! 
  • You wonder what people will think and say about you – tick – believe it or not, this has bothered me and still does, well I say ‘still does’  but in all honestly this is one of the main things I am working on, on a daily basis  and guess what? I reckon I’ll still be fucking doing it on me death bed. 
  • Its not all happy stuff – maybe you should wait for your parents to die first – tick – well dads dead already, so he cant say “fuck all”, although I have thought about dads family, in fact I told my Uncle Mick about it and he just said, “look kid, you write want you want you, this is about you and not thee father” so that just leaves mom, but she knows I am writing about dad, which of course will include her at some point. But if I am totally honest, (and this is what I need to practice) I think the one person I am  most worried about most is my step dad? After all if anyone deserved a book being dedicated or about them, it should be him! I know it hurt him and he found it hard to understand how, after how dad treated us as kids and adults, why we put up with the shit and still cared for dad, during his last years on earth. And I totally get that! And if I am truly honest with myself, I think thats partly the reason I have had this burning desire to write this ‘fucking book’ for the past few years. To try make sense of it all?, because even though dad might not have been present as a “dad” he still had a massive impact on me growing up and trust me when I say, when I talk about impact I ain’t referring to positive impact

So its 7.57am, its a Saturday morning and I have been up since 6am. Our old man wa like “she’s here… weirdo, tapping away” – “you going for a run this morning?” my reply was “nope im going to read and write then get house work done” because “I can.”

SO folks, sorry for the early morning email, hope your emails don’t have automatic pings and wakes you up at this godly hour.

In fact I’m not sorry really, I feel great, I have turned up, tuned in and apart from feeling little tired still,  this book aint going to write its sen is it?

So I am off to work on chapter 2, what ever you are thinking of doing today – DO IT, don’t think about it, just FUCKING do it, there is only YOU stopping ya sen

Ps Mick the pics are called memes and you can create owt ya want for FREE

Fordy x

Life is like driving a car

Morning, done me morning run and LOVED it, took in and took some lovely pictures of me 3 favourite views from my morning run. It took them because I thought, i’d share them on the blog. As well as taking in these beaut views, this half an hour run in the morning genuinely sets me up for the day. Todays thoughts included, Mom, Lauren, Danielle, Pat, Mick Holmes, Me – after the shite day on Tuesday, I did have to work at pulling myself back around all day Wednesday, but it was well worth it. 

Over the past 47 days, I have abstained (well apart from two occasions) from drinking. There have been many a day, when I have come home from work, particularly after a shit day and thought “fuck it” and cracked open a can. Or have been longing for Friday to finish, to get home, slap Pj’s on and crack open a ‘Few cans, plus wine, plus chocolate.’ Then do the same on a Saturday evening. Fuck me I have been doing this for the past 15 years. When I started out on this alcohol experiment, my initial plan was to test myself and see if I would feel any better without alcohol. 

Now I am not trying to justify myself here when I say, “I didn’t have a problem with alcohol”, some may disagree, but hey thats fine. Actually after writing that, I have realised NO its not!! 

I do sometimes find it frustrating at times, working in the addiction and recovery field, working with people who have or are suffering from addiction.

Whilst there are many approaches and theories as to what’s the best approach to take to address your addiction, I still ultimately, I think that its the individual who has to work it out for themselves. 

Addiction or dependency,  is like a bump in the road, we call life,  we can be happily cruising along the road and then “BAM”, we hit a great big fucking pot hole, we didn’t see it coming, we will blame others, “Fucking council” for not filling the fucker in Or complain that “we pay our road taxes for nothing”.

But ultimately, had we been looking at where we were going, that pot hole could have been avoided. But life’s not always like that is it?  

Take the driving analogy, Life can be like being on the road, heading for our destination, sometimes we will know where we are going,  sometimes we will need directions, other times were just winging it, hoping, trusting that were heading in the right direction, we will find our destination eventually. But on our Journey I will guarantee  that we will be distracted by, road signs, unplanned diversions, other fuckwits on the road cutting us up, but hey thats just like life! ‘personally I believe I have just been slightly distracted. 

And of course we all need a ‘Piss or coffee break” or more importantly we need to full the tank up again or else we ain’t going fucking no where. 

I don’t believe that focusing or dwelling “too much” on where we have been or come from is helpful, after all if we keep focusing too much on the rear view mirror, we are doomed to crash into another pothole, or even worse. 

But I do believe that checking in and occasionally looking in the rear view mirror, helps us to check we haven’t, made a wrong turn, or cut someone up by mistake, or run someone over whilst not focusing on where we were going. 

Before doing me alcohol experiment I’d been just driving, I hadn’t really been focusing on where I was going, how long it would take me, or who I would share my journey with, I wasn’t so bothered about any hitchhikers I might offer a lift to on the way, I was “just driving”

During the past 47 days, all I have done, is decide to take a break, I have pulled the car into a lay-by and had a break. Since my stint with drugs over 20 odd years ago, I have only hit a few other pot holes on me journey, the biggest one was losing Dad, and there have been a few minor ones along the way, but the car is still in tact and I am still driving.

How many times have you driven the car, but never really taken in the views or sights around you, because your too busy focusing on the road and where you are going? 

All I am doing is focusing a little more on not just the destination, but trying to enjoy the journey and take in the scenes along the way. And this mornings views whilst out on me morning run, have made my day already. 

 

We all need to protect ourselves

God I had a shit night, well shit day Tuesday,  I felt like I was on hyper mode, collecting/absorbing loads of  information. In fact I found myself walking around  work with a pile of papers, all relevant, but none in any particular order, just a fucking big pile of words and information that required some order. I Know I have a tendency to take too much on, I can easily get an idea and run with it like fucking Usain Bolt. 

I had to have an “awkward and tense meeting” with a graphic designer that morning, who’d previously come up with the idea for creating a newspaper for the Help us Help Campaign.

Initially, I had loved the idea, what a great way to tell the story share a picture of all the great work the projects do in Sheffield all in one place. We had already got most of the content but just needed someone to pull it all together. So I was really excited about the idea and couldn’t wait to see the first draft, they had been liaising with our blogger, who had written some excellent articles about some of our providers, so I felt confident that the finished product would look great. 

Well we got to see the first draft last Friday, to say I was under whelmed would be an understatement. It looked like a well designed newspaper for a fucking 5 year old. Now don’t get me wrong the images looked great, but there were no more than 60 words (and that is pushing it) for just a couple of the articles. 

And thank fully I wasn’t alone in thinking the same. At the meeting everyone agreed that the product looked more like a brochure opposed to the ‘News Paper’ that had been previously suggested. 

Im sorry, but when some says ‘how about we produce a newspaper?’ . In my head, I’m thinking, metro? Or The Sun, ‘I even had ideas about who could feature on Page 3’ but I wont go there, because those ideas are wholly inappropriate and need to stay in my head. 

So yesterday was D day, the day we had to meet with the designer to say “what the fuck” well I didn’t say that of course. But you could tell she wasn’t impressed even before we started the meeting. Her first response was defensive  She shared “Being a designer”  how shocked she’d been to hear the not so positive feedback from the first draft. 

Now believe it or not, I get it! They do their creative shit and I work in a world of fucked up, complexities that never have a simple solution, nor will a pretty design fix the problem. 

I try to explain to her, that whilst it looks really good (I’m trying my best to focus on the positives here), it wasn’t exactly what we thought it would look like? I mean the purpose of a newspaper is to tell a story isn’t it?  this was more like a brochure of adverts. 

Her response was, but “if you wanted a newspaper, then I’m afraid we might not be the right company for you?”  What the FUCK? Seriously, I am trying my absolute best here not to lose me shit, the last thing ‘I’ need ‘we’ need is to start looking for someone to design a ‘fucking newspaper’ something that THEY suggested in the first place!!!

Taking a deep breadth, I explained AGAIN, “It looks great, but instead of having a full page advert, can we not shrink the image and add some more text?” She looks horrified? “yes but you don’t want to be overwhelming people who too much information, in my professional experience people wont read it” 

Deep breath, I try to explain, that in MY profession we are constantly bombarded with complaints by the general public demanding to know ‘what is being done to support the vulnerable in the city?’ They want to know and understand why, if there is support, why people are not using it, “NOW I’m sorry these adverts (whilst they look pretty) are not going to answer these questions and quite frankly are underwhelming”

I realised by her face that, she wasn’t convinced, sooooooo I suggested a compromise “look, how about we keep the images but had a few more words” (not too many mind, we didn’t want to comprises the artistic fucking pretty images they they had worked sooooo hard on, I mean we are fucking paying them!!!!!)

After half an hour we had managed go through, page by page the new content – I could tell she wasn’t wholly happy, but to be honest, neither was I?

But I ain’t got no time for being precious, after all as I explained to her, “we are dealing with a very sensitive subject here, a very complex one, and quite frankly whilst we can try and make some thing look good, the reality is that we are dealing with pretty shitty issues, and trying to get the balance is hard enough as it is, but quite frankly there are no ways of skirting around the main issues. 

Come winter (when we will be reading this) when people are walking in the city centre and see someone begging, they will want to know WHY THEY ARE BEGGING?  they will feel guilty and sad. We need to be able to give the general public some thing that gives people a flavour of the issues, but more importantly what support is available to help them. AND if they DO care and they WANT to do something, they will know what and where they can go to support.” 

I have to say, the rest of my day, went pretty downhill from this meeting, now I honestly don’t mind compromising but I do mind feeling like I’m being patronised.

Like I don’t know what I’m talking about? OK I am no graphic designer, but she aint no fucking worker dealing with this sad sorry shit day in day out and quite frankly I care more about those people on the streets than her fucking artistic EGO. 

The only way I can describe how I felt by the end of the day on Tuesday was, that my personal invisible force field had been penetrated, by bullshit. Well I say penetrated on reflection, I ought to be saying I’d switched the force field off and allowed things to get to me. 

We all need to protect ourselves, sometimes though we don’t see whats bothering us until ‘BAM” then your like “what the fuck” 

Above is the only image I could get to best describe how I left work yesterday, (I couldn’t find a force field one, without running the risk of been sued for copywriting)

Don’t ask me why? Because I don’t know, why some days I feel great and others not so great, and thats the whole reason for this, writing, refection #havingawordwimesen. 

#Shithappens – its how you label it that matters

Thought for today

I was thinking earlier about how as a society we label/categorise everything, people, objects, actions, feelings, behaviours, emotions, our thoughts, opinions, believes, values, views, looks, size, weight, height, gender, ability the list goes on and on and on… It really pisses me off.

We all label & categorise  everything around us, I know i do sometimes, we are ALL guilty of it, i’m not claiming to be perfect, sometimes this can be misconstrued as being ‘judgemental’ AGAIN another fucking label.

Everyone views the world around them based on their own experiences of life. So when i had a problem the drugs. At the time, I felt and thought  I was a failure, weak, a sad pathetic person, that’s probably because I was. To be fair I wasfucked up at the time’, and would have labelled myself all of the above.

Now though… I don’t have a problem with drugs, I learned my lesson, I could  label myself as a ‘success’ or ‘role model’  or someone who has overcome some pretty tough shit. Now whilst these self professed accolades/labels are nice, I have a confession to make ‘I am still fucked up inside’ and I am far from perfect.

The only one thing I know for sure at this tender age of 48 is that for most of those years all I have ever done is try and fit in. sometimes it’s worked other time’s it hasn’t.  Be  honest, we all like to fit in! we all like to feel accepted, we all like to feel wanted.

No fucker wants to be billy no mates in the corner – ‘Then again I wouldn’t mind a bit of that – some quiet time would be quite nice’

Yes I have a great job, have money in the bank, have some great friendship’s, have a great family, but does that mean i am happy ? ‘Does it FUCK’. I still have days were I doubt myself, hate how I look , hate how I feel, because if we all admit it, we ALL feel like this at times.

Some days are good ones, others not so good, but all I can do is go with the flow and  work ‘my’ shit out for me sen, day by day.

There are so many external pressures/expectations  that we are exposed to in society, particularly via all social media, its no wonder people are confused. Then there is work pressures/expectations, family pressures/expectations. They are ‘fucking everywhere’ BUT GUESS what you don’t have to take them all on board.

We have only got our own personal experiences, we have all  experienced something in our lives, that  we are able to learn from, whether that is a good or bad thing. We can always reflect and learn from it OR we can chose to make the same mistakes, again and again, that’s up to YOU.

#HaveaWordwiTheesen

You can use societies expectations or social norms as a guide, but don’t measure your happiness and sense of self worth against them, because you are more than just a label.

#Shithappens – its how you label it that matters

 

 

What have I done to me sen?

Its a month today since I took a leap of faith and set this page up, it cost about £80 for year, I didn’t have a Scooby Doo what I was thinking, but hey 22 post in AND I have made a NEW start on the book ‘Blood is thicker than Alcohol’ NOW THAT was my overall objective, to build up my confidence to write. So for you small chosen few who I have allowed, trusted to ready my SHIT, thank you…


I’ve now stopped counting the days I have gone without having a drink, my alcohol experiment started on 15th of June, so ‘you can work it out’ cos I cant be arsed…

Day 35, I hd a drink, I didn’t go mad per say, but “fuck me “the headache / hangover the following day was fucking horrendous. Now don’t get me wrong, did I regret going out? ‘NO’, did I regret drinking?  ‘FUCK ME YES’.

I’d decided last Friday I would have a day off. By ‘having a day off‘ what I actually meant was a break from writing etc.

I have just been re-reading my journal from day one, and my alcohol free journey, has actually been a positive one, yes there have been times where I doubted myself, but on the whole, I have:

  • Felt alot happier within myself 
  • Been more positve
  • Been more productive
  • Felt more content
  • Have spent time on me, my morning runs, writing in my journal, writing on here
  • Been less likely to over react to external situations
  • Been alot more laid back, relaxed
  • Been less hard on myself
  • I’ve written loads and load’s
  • Ive listened to myself, really listened to myself
  • I’ve Indulged myself, by that I mean I have started doing more of what ‘I wanted and less of what others might have wanted or expected of me.’ I know this has come across to others as being selfish – BUT,  I have started to learn to let go of what others think, because quite frankly at 48 years old, ‘My’ self esteem is more in-fucking-portant.

So up to know there has been  loads more positives and alot less negatives, everything was tickety boo, then…. Friday, just gone,  I went out on a works do, with the intention of not drinking, and just have a few alcohol free drinks. But during the evening we moved on to a different pub and on way there I had already decided I was going to have a couple of pints, “that won’t hurt”

One pint in, I took my time tried a bit of ‘mindful drinking‘. All ok…  then the next drink, I started to feel a dull headache come on, ‘similar to the one like I had ALL fucking day the previous week’ and I was like, ‘right, I’m off after this’. 

Now again, don’t get me wrong, I had, had a GREAT night and good laugh, but the thought of feeling shit the next day, really put me off and I had alot to do. So I said my goodbyes, much to the amazement of me mates, ‘cos, I’m normally the one egging them on to stay out and drink more, Fuck me I was the first to leave!’

Anyway, I got home, feeling pretty proud and happy with myself, cracked open another can of lager, followed by a non alcoholic one, took a paracetamol (Just as a precaution) and went to bed early.

Well as it turns out, “I may as well have just drank alcohol the whole  fucking night” and that paracetamol did ‘FUCK ALL’  because even just after those three drinks, I felt like I did the previous week, ‘well not as bad’ but the dull headache was there AGAIN all fucking day.

I actually said to myself and texted a couple of friends say “What the fuck have I done to me sen?”, “I cant drink anymore!” “Ive ruined me sen ffs!”. Even all day Sunday, I felt shit, then I got to thinking, I wonder if ‘Im coming down wi summat?’ – Sunday afternoon I decided to have a “tap at the key boards” as my old man has started to call it.  I hopped on the laptop and started on me journal, not long in, after off loading, I started to feel better about me sen. #Havingawordwimesen actually helped. I reckon, had I not #Hadaword I would have defo still been all negative and feeling down for the rest of the day.

I realised it is Sooo easy to get into a negative mindset and dreaded ‘Cycle of fucking doom’ AND I hate being like that, especially after the last few positve weeks I’ve had. So what have I learned?

  • I’m due to go to a family wedding this Sunday – And I ain’t drinking – ‘its just not worth it.’
  • I woke up this morning and after doing me morning run, I felt like I was getting back to me old sen and back on track, so those negative bits don’t have to last long
  • I’m loving the new me, I am happier, every though I still have bad days, I’m more rational and calmer than I have ever been.
  • I feel alot more optimistic and trust that where ever this writing malarkey take’s me, at least its better than where I have been for the past few years.
  • Work is less stressful, I turn up, do what I can and thats it – I aint got time for burning me sen out for no job! but also with this new attitude, there is also a renewed sense of productivity and I’m enjoying work more

So there may be less of these post, as I am now on chapter 2, the book is going ace, but before I go, a word of advice to you ladies out there… and its just an observation.

If your going to used the communal toilets and need a crap, places some bog roll down first. By doing this, you reduce the dreaded “plopping” sound. And you don’t have to hide in the bog for hours after to make sure no one realises its YOU, we all CRAP tha knows

Fuck off

Well did not want to go for that morning run this morning, alarm was set for 5.30, 2, 10 minute snoozes later and arguing I get me sen outta bed, I didn’t #haveaword I had a full blown fucking argument “wi me sen” .

When I’m feeling sorry for me sen, our old man calls me ‘Mardy Fardy’ this morning I wa like jackal and fucking Hyde. Mardy Fardy vs reasonable Fardy – trust me I’m still not sure who won, or whose winning.

So that serene, time to think run JOG, WALK went a little like this

Laid in bed

Oh fuck off, I’m knackered 

Once you’re up, you’ll feel more awake

Christ I could sleep for another few hours

It will be your period! and you stayed up later last night!

Ok, so if I’m tired, have a day off, I don’t have to go out every morning 

Yes but you didn’t go out yesterday, and you know what its like, that slippery slope, once you skip 1,2,3 its all down hill

Even if you went back to sleep, you would still feel tired an hour later so you may as well get up!

Fuck it get up

Go for a piss, get dressed, go down stairs i’m still sulking

Im defo not feeling it yet?

Just shut it, get ya top on and take thee tablets, and plenty of water ya piss looked like orange juice this morning 

What the fuck is that all about, apart from the drink last Saturday, I haven’t had any alcohol, so shouldn’t be THAT dehydrated 

Well apparently everyone’s piss is like that in a morning

Get ya earphones in, get some music on that will make you feel better 

GREAT wheres me fucking earphones?

Bag

Make a coffee for when  you get back

Great where are me fucking ear phones nahhhh

This is when i’m looking for earphones, which I only had in my hands 2 seconds before 

Why are they in the fucking draw?

Does it matter? 

Music on, trainers on, walk out of the door – still got face on

Still not feeling it 

Just walk then! walk all of it if you want? Just do something

Fucking hate periods

Every fucking month, swollen tits, stomach cramps, blood fucking everywhere, its ‘like giving birth to satin’ as our Lauren would say, and fucking men moan when they are ill, try feeling shit EVERY MONTH

Right, your on ya period, get over it, and just keep walking 

Well im not running, yet, in fact im not starting until I get to top of the hill

Walk then, you could just do a mile, do a shorter one this morning 

Yeh but then I’ll be doing that all the time 

Do the normal run then!

I start to run

I wonder if that young lad and his mother will be at the bus stop this morning? If they are should I stop and ask him, where he’s going? Like I said I would last time I was out? 

Nah fuck that, not in fucking mood this morning, just smile and say good morning 

They are not there 

Good 

This song is shit

Flick to next one then

Click on me earphones and inadvertently turned music AND earphones off

For fucks sake

Just switch it back on

Yeh but now I’ve had to stop running 

Just do it, and run

Ok this song is better 

What the fuck is wrong with me this morning?

Stop being so fucking hard on yourself, everyone has bad days including YOU, this is one of them, but it will pass

I ought to write about this, this morning

Yeh well, you don’t have to, juts take it easy, do your run, get back have a coffee and a vape and you can chill, if you want to write you can, stop over thinking things, what will be will be for crying out load 

See a guy coming towards me, walking with summit strapped around his knee’s, clearly out for a run, but not yet running 

Mmmm he’s dressed for it, he looks the part, but not running is he!

Neither were you, ffs, he’s probably warming up like ‘YOU DO’ and your hardly fucking Zola Bud this morning!

Ok so feeling a little better, christ whats up with me today?

Does anything have to be up?

Yeh but I hate feeling crap, been feeling great lately, I’ve not done anything different?

You might not have, but does it matter? You feeling crap, everyone has bad days, it will get better

What if it doesn’t 

It will, trust yourself, 

She’s here, her, the ignorant one, I wonder if she will smile or acknowledge me today?

Well if she said anything you wouldn’t be able to hear her, and you can hardly see her she’s that far away

Lady is getting closer, still a little far away, she looks up

Hi, I’m waving, giving her purpose smile

What ya done that for? 

Cos I fucking wanted to make a point and wave this morning, instead of doing the passive, eye nod, if she cant say good morning, then I fucking sure can!

Feel better 

Nope 

Nearly home

Feeling better?

Nope tits are still hurting 

Im turning running app off, bet I’ve only done about 16 MPM this morning? 

Fuck it I don’t care

Oh shut the fuck up, go inside and off load this fowl mood

Ohh I like this song, is it M people?

Yes 

Right, get ya coffee go straight upstairs and write 

So here I am AND that’s the shortened version, TRUST ME you would be here all day, in fact I’ll probably fall out wi me sen again, later today. Now done two chapters of the book, now time to focus on Chapter 3 – Early childhood memories. But first I need to get me MARDY Sorry ASS into work.

If you are reading this today I hope your having a better day than me

I don’t really 

I do honest  

Love Fordy xx

Being a parent is tough

 

No morning run today, straight into writing about ‘Blood is Thicker than Alcohol’ and to be honest, its easier to rant on here than it is to reflect back and write a story.

Seriously this writing malarky is FUCKING hard work. But wanted to share my thoughts on parenthood. Because, quite frankly we all as parents do our very best, theres no handbook, sometimes we will never know how our actions at the time, might have a profound effect on our kids at a later date in life.

After all I  know some of Dads actions did, but at the time he wouldn’t have had a ‘Scooby doo’ (clue). The same goes for mom, but hey as parents none of us do… And thats totally unavoidable, folks, believe it or not ‘none of us are perfect’. all we can do, is do our best ‘at that time’

Its not nice to hear from my own kids, when they tell me about a time growing up where I might have said or done something, that made them feel, not nice about themselves, insecure or not loved.

But I try not to lose any sleep over it, ‘it hurts’ don’t get me wrong, and I don’t like to hear it and it wasn’t done intentionally. In fact  I don’t believe ANY parent sets out to intentionally hurt their kids.

Well, there are some that would, those who don’t fucking deserve to have kids! There are some (a minority) who will put their own emotional and material needs before ANYONE, including their own kids, Now that my friends I have zero sympathy for those fuckers. – I digress

Being an adult and dealing with life, is hard most of the time, we all have responsibilities that we ‘have’ to deal with, whether we like or not! we all struggle to like ourselves at times, and thats just us! Now throw one or a couple of kids into the mix, fuck me your not just responsible for your own feelings, you a duty and responsibly to ensure your kids are ok and will do anything to make sure they turn out to be less emotionally fucked up than you are….AND before you start, we ALL have our flaws, if you think your perfect, then you are deluded – in my humble opinion anyway 

Well thats it, I have finished chapter 1 of the book (for now), ive offloaded me thoughts on here, now I need to get me sorry ass off to work and earn some dough

Please feel free to leave any thoughts or comments below

Love Fordy x

Bring Back Communism

Ok, Ok, ok, ok, OK. I know that we ever had it in here, but I kinda wish they would, well some of the principles of of it, not all of it, of course, like society today there are good and bad parts. 

The Cambridge dictionaries definition of Commusism  is “the belief in a society without different social classes in which the methods of production are owned and controlled by all its members and everyone works as much as they can and receives what they need”. 

A society where everyone was equal and there was none of “them and us”  Where everyone had the same, resources, essentials that they needed to survive. Thus removing this sense of entitlement that ‘I” (and I can only speak for myself here) see so much of in society now a days. Materialism has taken over on a mass scale, the Cambridge definition of materialism is “the belief that having money and possessions is the most important thing in life“. 

But, there IS MORE TO LIFE THAN WHAT YOU POSSESS. In the pursuit of “keeping up with the Joneses”. There is this misconception that ‘money can buy you happiness?’ “what the fuck is that all about? (thats what society lends us to believe) OR “If I had this, or had that life would be so much easier?”

Now you can even pay someone to fix you emotionally,  “I know, I’ll go pay someone to fix me”, we see more and more people going to rehab, but its not just for addictions anymore.

Rehab is now seen as a place where you can go for a break! People actually pay fucking thousands for this, when reality is that all you are paying for is a space to hide yourself from reality for a bit, but YOU still gotta do the work, go and #haveawordwitheesen then ya get ya sorry ass back out into society and try again. 

Despite what social media says, “life doesn’t have to be that hard” and there are a lot of people who”get this” but they are normally the ones who have been through some personal life trauma, those whose lives have taken them to “hell and back”. The loss of a loved one, the loss of themselves, relationship breakdown, domestic abuse, addiction, mental health.

The guys who “get this” are the ones who have had to face their ‘EMOTIONS’ not hide behind them because they don’t like the feel of them, or they are scared of hurting someone else emotions.

The people you see around you who appear happy, content with themselves are those who are least likely to measure their  life’s happiness by what they have got, but on how they feel about themselves. Don’t be deceived, money or success DOES NOT BUY YOU HAPPINESS, FACT! 

You only have to look round you to see this. Does it really matter what you have got or achieved in life? Everyone has the ability to be happy and content, regardless of wealth or status. The bottom line is if you strip away all the materialism bullshit, all anyone has is themselves and their loved ones. There is only YOU who can attain happiness.

I have been there, trust me, in my book ‘Blood is thicker than alcohol’ the majority of me feeling lost and isolated in my younger years came from societies expectations of who I thought I should be.

  • I tried wearing makeup, because ‘cos thats what girls do’ and looked a reet TWAT.
  • I dressed like a boy, because I related more to lads and didn’t like skirts, then got accused of ‘being a lesbian’
  • if I questioned anything at school I was labeled ‘a trouble maker’ to be fair I was ‘a little fucker’
  • I would never tell anyone how I really felt, because I would be labeled as ‘being weak’

Whilst I have some amazing memories from my youth, I also have a lot of sad memories, I didn’t know who I was? I didn’t like how I felt about myself? I didn’t have a fucking clue.  I had to work it out for me sen by #havingawordwimesen, I love that quote, cant you tell….. because quite simply “its fucking true….” There is no rule book growing up, we work wi what we got!

Getting to ‘know me’ at 21 years of age wasn’t out of choice neither, and it wasn’t nice, it was the external factors and environment at the time that forced me to reflect on all the above.

And its not hard to start searching for happiness, all you have to do is ask yourself?

How do you measure your happiness? 

  • Would you be happier with more money
  • Would you be happier if you had more friends?
  • Would you be happier if you had a car, house, or well paid job?
  • Would you be happier if you were in an intimate relationship?

If your happiness relies or is based on any or all of the above, you are potentially screwed, because quite frankly my friends, any of these can be taken away from anyone of us in a nano second. And there is potentially NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Many people hold onto the limiting beliefs that if they ‘Only I just had any or all of the above’ they will be happy, but its crap.

Take toddlers or young kids they are more than happy with a few toys, ‘or the box they came in’. As long as they feel loved, warm, fed and basically, have ALL their basic needs met, they are happy Arn’t they?

They have very little limiting beliefs, or fears because they don’t know any different, its all learned behaviour. Then they grow up and are exposed to temptation and the misconception that if they have the latest gadget ‘they will be accepted’ by society, because lets face it, if a kids ain’t wearing the latest trainers, they are fucking social lepers!.  Them emotions hurt, them feelings hurt, but rather than deal with those feelings, people are more inclined to pursue all those material items, change themselves, try to change how they think the worlds views them, just to fit in. And some people  will do anything if it makes them’Feel’ better about themselves.

Society is FUCKED up, BUT only if you buy into the BULLSHIT everyone is fed.

BUT and heres the BUT…

If you could start to measure your happiness focusing on what you already have, starting with YOU, your health, your mental health, your physical health, doing things for YOU, that make YOU happy.

Start listen to YOUR own feelings, YOUR own emotions, learning to understand YOUR emotions, because even though them emotions can be a biatch and they can physically hurt, They don’t ever go away…

You can try suppressing them all you fucking want, but I can guarantee they are there, lurking ready to raise their ugly head again, when you are least expecting it. People really do underestimate how much emotions and feelings drive us, if you understood this, trusted this, then you would be more likely to feel alot better about you and who you are.


There really is no need to ‘Bring back Communism’ but there is a need to get people to start questioning their values, questioning and learning to understand what limiting beliefs they carry around with them.

Start to understand that underneath all the materialistic bullshit, we are ALL fundamentally the same.

Start  by having relationship with ourselves.  Because if more people understood this, then I would be happy to bet, that they/ YOU would be a lot happier – AND GUESS WHAT, Its FREE

Right RANT over with, but I’ll tell ya now! don’t expect me or anyone else to do it for ya, COS I CAN’T and WON’T.  But I can and will offer some guidance, its your choice, you can take it or leave it, some might be utter bullshit, (I don’t care) you just take what YOU need from it.


Recommendation

Although these are not free, there are a couple of books that I would highly recommend you read, that could help you on your journey to start learning and listening to yourself.

Feel the Fear and do it anyway – By Susan Jeffers, I read this many years ago and will often go back and re-read again.

I love love love The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck – Mark Manson, its is currently only available on Kindle, the book isn’t out until 2019

 

 

Nothing to say

Well after breaking my 35 day alcohol free experiment this Saturday, its fair to say, the consequences were pretty dire Sunday, morning, afternoon AND evening. “How the fuck did i do this EVERY weekend?” 

Now don’t get me wrong, i knew that the likely hood of me going for me 6 am run Sunday morning was about as predictable as England winning the world cup. but i did not expect it to feel that bad.

Walking up, wi a gob like gandys flip flop (which to be fair, IS TOTALLY expected) but I swear some sadistic bastard somewhere had got a voodoo doll of me, and wa sticking fucking needles in me head. 4 Ibuprofen and 6 paracetamol later, the headache was still hanging around until i went to bed at 10pm.  I ate every greasy, unhealthy food stuff in reaching distance, I sat and pretended to watch mind numbing TV, i did nothing, and i mean nothing, even if I had wanted to, i wouldn’t have had the energy, i was totally and utterly spent.

This morning run, well it wasn’t even a fucking run! my belly was more swollen than usual, i didn’t have the usual empty Kangaroo pouch bouncing around, it felt like i was carrying fucking twins. My skin still looks dull as fuck, I’m still feeling slightly lethargic,  BUT what i do know is, that this feeling WILL PASS.

On the plus side, i had one of the best days out in a long time, i bumped into people i hadn’t seen for ages, i was in great company, the weather was perfect, not too hot, not too cold, the music and atmosphere was mint, was it worth the dire hangover yesterday? I’d say YES, but, and here is the but…

I learned something from it, for the past few weeks whilst i have been alcohol free, what iv’e gained personally far out weighs the consequences of drinking. Now that’s not me saying “i’m not drinking ever again”, far from it, but i DO HAVE CHOICES. If i have the time the day after drinking to mong out all day and be of absolutely no used to anyone, especially me sen, then so be it. However, if i haven’t got the time or feel like dealing with a raging hangover the following day then i will simply abstain – SIMPLE

I could have sat and mourned the one day out of my life that i lost, which for the record would have only served to depress myself even more OR i could (which i did) take the hangover on the chin, (although there was quite a bit of moaning going on) and accept that it was self inflicted, no one forced me to drink, quite the opposite, i was ready to test me sen and oh, fucking boy did I?

So test outta the way, i am looking forward to getting back to feeling me old send again, back to me morning runs, early morning writing, which my friends is going very well

 

Run Fordy, Run……

My morning run, takes me on average 25 minutes, the round route is approx. Between 1.98-1.99 miles, (trust me that o.1 counts)  and I normally average between 13-14 minute per mile. I am currently getting 4 runs in per week, alarm on for 5.45am, (but I’m more often than not stirring already). My morning routine, consist of having a piss, which is normally dark orange ffs, Question, ‘Is that normal, considering I haven’t drank alcohol for over a month?’ – advice greatly appreciated in the comments box below… 

My old man, Pat, ’I think’ thinks im having a mid life crisis, running first thing, then getting back and tapping away on the keyboard, before work! Fuck me, if I’d been up early previously, he’d have been saying “has tha shit bed?” On account for me being known for liking me sleep, I’m also affectionally known as the “bed slug”, hence why pats affectionately called “Pat the Twat”. (I digress) 

So I put me running gear on, its the same outfit for the whole week, same pants, leggings and t-shirt. ‘Yes call me a scruffy git, but at least im not a lazy scruffy git!’ There are actually some benefits to doing this!  a) it cuts down on washing, b) I don’t have to piss about the night before and c) I can just pick them up get dressed and go, plus not fucker smells me !

Next is taking me tablets, theres me, Hay fever tablets, Vitamin D (apparently its good for bone strength, and I need it at my age, cos I aint getting any fucking younger) then my trusty Prozac, which I have been taking for the past 20+ years, 20ml per day for PMT, because trust me, without them once a month I turned into David Banner (The incredible Hulk). More recently this has been upped to 40ml, because I am now Perimenopausal , ‘this growing old malarky, is no fucking joke, is it?’ These are washed down, with plenty of water to also aid turning me piss clear again. Earphone’s in, Spotify on, trainers on (yes same socks all week too), run keeper on, then I’m off and outta the door for 6am.

This mornings run took 30.44 minutes, did 1.98 miles at a pace of 15.30 per mile a bit longer, but im going to explain why…

In addition to helping clear me fucked up head, me morning run is the only time of the day for ‘ME’ no one else benefits, just ‘ME’ I can go at ‘MY’ own pace, listen to what ever music ‘I’ want to, I can run were ‘I’ want, I can chose how far ‘I’ want, its all about ‘ME’. 

I don’t start off running straight away, (like I did when training for the half marathon earlier this year) I start out with a steady walk to the top of me road, loosen up (thats my excuse) then I’m off, like Forrest Gump, Zola Bud, Usain Bolt, Paula Radcliffe, you see I can be anyone ‘I’ want when im out running, AND I’m not the only one! There are a couple of others (regulars)  normally going a lot faster than me, but I don’t care, because this isn’t a race for me, its about having some me time.

This mornings run, was amazing and left me smile for the whole run, I still smiling now as I write this, its left me with a happy feeling, that will probably stay with me ALL day. So, I as I reach the brow of the hill and start to descend theres always a couple of people stood at the same bus stop, the same time, every time I go out. 

The lady is older, and I would take an educated guess and suggest she is the mother. The guy, younger, in his 2o’s I’d guess, is always stood there with a long white guide stick, one of them with balls on the end. He wears dark glasses so I never knew if he was partially or totally blind. But this morning, as I approached, I treated them, with me usual ‘Morning!’ And the guys said, “excuse me, how far do you run?”I explained “either 1.98 or 1.99 miles”, “Wow, where do you run from?” I explained my route, he was then like “why?” His mother at this point interjected and said “stop with all the questions” I was like “its ok” I turned to him and explained that it sorted me head out before going to work. He said “why what do you do” well I wasn’t going to go into too much detail, we’d have been there all day! “I work with drug users and alcoholics”, he smiled and said “go on then, run you need it I guess” or parted wishing them a good day and trotted off. 

As I started jogging again, I thought to myself ‘I’m going to ask him next time I see, him, where he is off too at this godly hour a morning’ . Now I don’t know this guy from adam, he obviously also had some learning difficulties, but that didn’t stop him enquiring. You see there is another lady I often see towards the end of my morning run, I often see her near the local frechi pond. She isn’t running, but she is walking, walking at a fast pace, swinging her arms with a determined look on her face.

 I always try and catch her eye to ‘try’ and say good morning, but her eyes never meet mine, although I know she see’s me, cos she aint got no walking stick. I don’t know anything about her, all I know is that she’s out the same time as me, I see her every time I go for a run, so thats four times a week. 

All I can do is make some educated guesses, and I say ‘educated guesses’, because that all I can do, so I am guessing…

She comes out early, because there are less people around, less people like me for example who might judge her for being over weight. Not that I am judging her, far from it, one of the main reasons I go out 1st thing, as well as the benefits I mentioned earlier, is that theres not many people around, so that means less people to see me wobbly ass or kangaroo pouch bouncing around. 

She never smiles or acknowledges me, because she might be thinking ‘here she is, that runner, showing off again, smug cow’. Yes, that’s what I am assuming, because thats what I have thought before, when I have seen people going faster than me, or looking leaner than me, I’ve been there thinking, ‘ahh its alright for you, you don’t really need to be out here running, ya skinny bastard’ I now however realised that the reason they are probably thinner, leaner than me is because they get their sorry purt assess outta bed and do some exercise every morning and I bet they don’t have a kebab on a weekend either? I bet they eat that, Quinoa shit and are vegan! “See I can still be a judgmental biatch”

Anyway, every time I see her, she never smiles, nor makes eye contact, and I wish she would, because I am not judging her, she might not even think I am? But I kind get the feeling she is. This morning though, i’m sure she cracked a small smile, I’m sure of it. There wasn’t any real eye contact, but it was an acknowledgement! ‘what she will never know is, that little smile, made my day today’ 

I would love to make eye contact so I could smile at her, or wish her good morning. I wish I could be as brave as the young lad this morning, to have the courage to make an effort and ask a complete stranger why they ran! 

The next time I see the young chap, I am going to stop and say my usual good morning, but then I am going to asking “so where are you off too these early mornings then?”. The next time I see this lady, I am going to continue in my effort to get her to make full on eye contact and see if she will reciprocate with a “good morning” too. 

Now, its 8.21 am, I’m getting picked up at 9.15, so I had better get me sorry ass weshed, and I need it, after wearing same clothes for a week, and yes i’m still sat in me running gear! But quite frankly ‘I don’t give any fucks’ because today, will go well, regardless of what shit work throws at me, all because that lad had the courage to take an interest and because I got a slight smile for the nameless woman AND I got to take in these great views