I actually made a start!

Well this writing malarky is fucking hard graft!!  its no wonder its taken me soooo long to have a go at writing a book! I actually had an argument with the laptop last night, I proper ‘spat dummy out’ it was about 9pm, I’d been trying to figure out this bleeding subscription link on WordPress, I was getting online advice and it was still ‘fucking gobbledygook’ I was having a proper rant to me sen, I turned lap top off and stomped downstairs.

I was tempted too go and watch ‘Love Island’, YES I love love island, I reasoned it was the only thing on that would take me mind off trying to write.

I was there with all the negative affirming thoughts,”you can’t do it”, “its too hard, writing is for other people”, “your deluded, even some of the people around you look like you’ve grown two fucking heads, when you tell em, your having a break off the drink to concentrate on writing” there were more, trust me …….To say I was feeling pretty shit about myself would have been an understatement.

Actually, I was only downstairs for five minutes, when I started to #Haveawordwimesenlook just relax, you don’t need any more stimulation, go to bed,  tomorrow is a new day”, “your not going to get it right all the time” , “what you have to say will come”, “trust yourself“, “give yourself a fucking break, for crying out loud”, “don’t look at your phone, stay off social media” “just go to bed and try and relax” 

Guess what? this#Havingawordwimesen malarky is working! because, when I got back upstairs, I stared at the dead computer and thought to me sen, ‘right go to your journal and have an off load, then go to bed’. So I did, then guess what? it started to come.


I’d made a decision the day before to actually start and make an attempt at writing the book, my post yesterday, dedicated to dad, was a start. but I still didn’t have a Scooby do, how to start. Now,  whilst I have already written a few chapters over the years, I have decide to start again. And I am glad I am, because I’ve got a real opportunity here to spill me guts, I don’t care if anyone who reads it, doesn’t get it? fuck em? this is about me. One day in years to come, I will have left at least left something of me, for any future great, great grandkids, who will never get to meet me, but they can get a good understanding how fucking whappy their great, great grandma was… and probably understand how they take after me. (sat here smirking to me sen) 

Do I start with the introduction? or do I just get straight into my story? Again, I could feel me sen getting wound up again, then I realised I’d previously made some notes about ‘why I wanted to write the fucking book’ I reasoned with myself that I would just type these up as a start and just take it from there, finish writing (at least I would have done something) then come back and look at it again today.

So I did and I am, I have to say, ‘I am pretty impressed wi me sen‘ – feeling better, I finally got me sorry ass into bed.


It’s 7.05am, Wednesday 18th July, I’ve already been for me morning run,Mick I had one of them moments” I was doing me gentle jog, when Kyle Minogue came on Spotify. “Better the Devil you know” for those who wasn’t there, this was played at dads funeral. I remember people’s faces in the room, they were like “what the fuck! Kyle Minogue?” whats that all about?. But what they didn’t know was that dad, loved Kyle…

‘Well he liked her ass in them gold hot pants’ He’d once asked me to get him Kyle’s CD, which I did, then the day after, he was like “it doesn’t even fucking work!” I was like dad it does, look… I went to CD and turned it on.

Its was sooo funny, because dad was like “Nah I don’t want to listen to her, I wanted to watch that video with her in hot pants” Bleeding typical, he wanted a DVD so he could watch her pert ass, not listen to the song, for fucks sake….

So back to this morning and the Kyle song, after dad passed, me and my sister were sat in my living room (I can still see us now) trying to choose a song for the funeral. It was soo hard, I mean how the hell do you chose a song that tells a story about your relationship, a song that says a final good bye?  but then Kyle “Better the Devil you know” came on.

We sat and listened and ironically that Kyle song resonated with us both, in fact I am listening to it now, it totally reminds me of dad and how both me and my sister felt about what we’d just been through. Which was fucking pure hell, I can tell ya! but it was also a reminder about his fuckin fixation on them hot pants, right to the end he was still a saucy fucker… which makes me smile.

But regardless, it was all worth it, at least we can say, it might have been 35 years too late, but at least we got to know him,  was it perfect? NO, would I have preferred to have got to know dad earlier? YES, but hey #shit happens, some times you just gotta live with it and make the most of what ya got.

Signing off, Fordys got her MOJO back (I will probably lose the fucker again, but hey, #Shithappens)

Introducing Dad, Frank Thomas Ford

HI Guys – let me introduce you to me dad, Frank Thomas Ford, dad is the inspiration for the book i am writing ‘Blood is thicker than alcohol’ below is a poem, I wrote, before dad actually passed away.  It was written one night when i couldn’t sleep, through worry, off loading all my crap and feelings was one of my coping strategies at the time.

We had this printed in the obituary section in the Sheffield Star, (Cos that’s what people did back then, check out the obituary section daily to see who had snuffed it) I’ll tell ya what though, it nearly didn’t make it, after doing the word count the bill was about £250 fucking quid – robbing bar stewards. 

Thank god for social media, now a day’s you can tell every fucker for FREE!

Dad, Drink & Me 

33 but still a child

Both far too young to be contemplating death!

He’s only 54 looking more like 84

I’m 33 and know this subject well

Nether the less I’m still going through hell!

I just want it to end….

But the only options are death OR continue to pretend!

Too young to die and yet too young to care

But Alcohol has brought us both here

 

We have been here so many times before

And with each time it affects us both a little more

What does it take to make someone see….

That if he chose life over drink he’s got grandkids and ME!

 

Looks of pity and shame from those who knew him well!

The loss of independence, for a man who always knew what he wanted..

Too a man in his prime, locked inside a body far too old for his time!

So what’s he got now to look forward to?

Apart from regular visits from the hired home help, who have to assist him to the loo

 

And what about us? Who’ve always been there?

Left to cope with feeling of exhaustion and feelings of despair?

But walking away is impossible to do, because you are our dad and we can’t help but care…

 

I can truly see the temptation to drink

So I can drown my own sorrows and help stop me to think!

But I have followed your journey and seen where it ends

 

We all have choices and this one has been yours

And so, despite all the heartache and pain on your part and mine

I guess I’ll just have to console myself again…

 

Until the next time

 

RIP DAD

20.03.2004

Insight into my journey so far

 

Morning guys

I hadn’t intended on doing a post on here this morning, because I have been working on #havingawordwimesen and writing in my personal journal. But then I started to read back to where this all started and thought I would / could share one of my very earliest journal entries with you.

Im doing this, just to highlight how ‘fucked’ up sometimes our heads can take us and I’m looking back laughing right now (though at the time I was pretty pissed off wi me sen, I can tell thee)

Tuesday 18th June 2018

I missed out on writing today, spent far too much time and energy on researching fucking non-alcoholic drinks and the sugar content. Whilst I haven’t had an AF beer since Saturday, Pat pointed out that there is more sugar in AF beer than normal Beer, still feeling pretty bloated from being over indulgent on holidays, I got fixated on trying to find the lowest sugar beer.

Plus it didn’t help that I had shared on the group facebook page that AF beers were my go to thing and some clever twat started saying ’ooo I stay away from them theres too many carbs and sugar in them’ then someone else says ’ooo be careful they could be a trigger?’

I drove myself practically mental, and stressed myself out until I realised that the average level of sugar per day is 30grams, and ok, so my fave beer has 3grams, thats not so bad. Plus I’m not going to wine after the beers like I previously did, and drinking beer I didn’t feel the desire to eat chocolate neither, sooooooo AND by being alcohol free I am allowing myself to relax and reflect clearly, take one day at a time and I’ve been so productive at work, without compromising myself, leaving some time left for me.

I had a word wi Mesen 

I have got that used to taking peoples views and opinions into consideration, that I lose sight of what I think and feels right. In fact I was happy until I actually listened to the fuckwits ! Well I am the fuckwit for actually listening, but hey I’m learning.

 

See its not just you …..

What am I thinking?

 

  • Can you sometimes predict what someone is thinking and have been right
  • Can you sometimes predict how someone is feeling and have been right?
  • Can you sometimes predict a scenario that’s going to happen and have been right?
  • Have you ever predicted what someone was thinking, but was wrong?
  • Have you ever predicted how you think someone was feeling and been wrong?
  • Have you ever predicted a scenario that you thought would happen, but been wrong?

If you answered YES to any of the above, well i am sorry to piss on your bonfire, BUT i am….

The reality is,  we simply cannot ever always know, what someone is thinking, feeling or going to do? BUT we can predict what WE

  • Are feeling
  • Are thinking
  • Are planning to do

If we knew all this about everyone else we would all be fucking psychic right!

How can someone predict what someone else may or may not be thinking, feeling or going to do, when half the time the don’t know them fucking selves? Save all that psychic energy and use it on yourself….

#Haveawordwitheesen

#shithappens

I want you to do something for me 

Take a quick look back on your life, lets say go back to being around 16 years old or anytime during your teenage years.  Now try to recall how you perceived the life you wanted for yourself at that time?

  • Was it a career?
  • Was it love?
  • Was it marriage?
  • Was it kids?
  • Was it a house?

Now I want you to take a moment to think about, where you are at now?

Did you get what you want? maybe you did? maybe you didn’t? maybe you had it and lost it?

I’m going to make a mystic meg prediction and suggest that,  ‘Your life to date, didn’t pan out the way you had previously planned it to?’

I will also predict  that ‘your journey from A to B hasn’t been an easy one, Right?

I know I am right – Christ! I think I am fucking psychic !!


My own experience 

To be honest, when I was younger (teenager) I didn’t have a fucking Scooby do what I wanted from life nor was i able to predict how I got to where I am now, I mean, I certainly would never have predicted

  • losing my virginity at 16, and getting pregnant straight after
  • Having my own home at 17, being responsible for a kid
  • Being at home every week end, whilst everyone around me was going out and ‘living life’
  • Getting addicted to speed
  • Caring for my alcoholic dad, was like watching a slow suicide
  • Oh trust me the list goes on, and on and on… there is plenty of CRAP that i had never factored in my life happening, but it did…

I know for a fact i never said “I hope that in the future I go through some real crappy shit, physical and emotional pain”. I mean who the fuck would wish that upon themselves?

Joking aside, because life isn’t a joke, life can be pretty shit, its perfectly normal not to want to feel shit. However, sometimes the shit ball rolls our way and we have no choice in the matter, we didn’t ask for the shit ball,  but we got it. The good news is though, we do have a choice and options on how we deal with the shit ball we can either

  • Accept shit happens, be sad for a while then move on                                                OR
  • Continue to moan about how the shit ball rolled your in your direction and continue to play football with the shit ball

Reality check folks

The reality is that most of the time, we cannot predict or control our future, if we could you would have sailed through life pain free and got everything you wanted, right?


Your experience 

I want you to think of a time in your life that was tough, emotionally, physically, mentally or financially painful = SHIT.  At that time, I can take a pretty good guess and say ‘you felt  at the time like your life was going to feel like SHIT forever?’

Now i’m guessing, you survived it? but at the time you didn’t think you would? but you did! Your a survivor

Remember just because you are having a bad day, a bad week, a bad month doesn’t  that mean your going to have a bad life?

Life can be shit, but we DO have options either deal with it, or play football with it

Love Tracey x

 

 

What do you see?

I recall many years ago taking a Neuro-Linguistic Programming test, alternatively known as NLP.  The training had been arranged by work, so all staff had to attend and to be honest at the time I was thinking ‘what a load of cod wallop’. But in fact, a light turned on inside me during that day, well I say ‘a light turned on’ its hard to describe, so let me ‘try to’ explain…

According to NLP, people generally experience the world via five senses — sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell, however each of us also have a  preferred mode of perception, how we see, hear, feel and sense  the world, our environment around us. There are three main modes of perception

  • Visual – Seeing
  • Auditory – Hearing
  • Kinaesthetic – Feelings

In the training room we were asked to take. short test, we were asked to go through a list of statements, but not to spend too much time thinking about the statements and tick the ones that we were drawn to.

I still recall the room, doing the test adding up my scores to find that my scores revield  (I cannot remember what the percentages were but this gives you an idea below)

  • Visual = 15
  • Auditory = 10
  • Kinaesthetic = 75

The theory is that by y understanding your preferred perception (view on the world) you can better understand, how and why you act/react in life.

This helped (for me and I am not saying it will for you). But, this is when the ‘lightbulb went on’. My result was a real revelation for me, because its the first time in my life I recognised  how much of an emotional person I really was.


Even though at the time of taking this test, I had been clean for over 12 months, I was still in early recovery, I was still learning about myself, trying to figure out what I wanted from life, who I was, who I wanted to be etc etc, FUCK ME IM STILL HERE TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT

So whilst on the surface, I may have appeared sorted, back in control, underneath there was always a feeling of uncertainty, self doubt, its always there folks, we all feel it from time to time, I don’t care who you are…

Not that anyone else’s could ever see it, but then how could they? all they had ever seen was someone, getting angry, frustrated, someone who mostly was unable to express herself and say how she really felt.

Feelings are a BIG deal, if you suppress them they WILL ALWAYS pop up again at a later date or time, trust me. Then what will happen is when you get upset/emotional the next time or something really pissed you off, presses your buttons, you will REALLY over-react, I mean really over-react!. I bet you have all done this at some point, then asked yourself “what the fuck is up with me?”

After the test I looked back and thought about who I was when I was admitted into ‘The Nuthouse’ I’ve mentioned in earlier post that I was broken and ‘I was‘ But in all honesty, I think what had happened is all my three modes of perception had snapped, they had stopped working.

I was just an empty shell. SO a major part of my recovery was mainly about rebuilding ‘me’ not the surface me, but the real me’. Not the Tracey, whose life had previously been dictated by what others and society expected, I’d literally, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, had had enough, I was like ‘STOP THE WORLD, IVE FUCKING HAD ENOUGH’. So when I say that being sectioned was the BEST thing that ever happened to me, I really mean it.  I’m getting to my point be patient….

20 odd years ago my recovery wasn’t just about, not taking drugs anymore, for me, it was about finding out who “I was, what I wanted, it was time to get selfish and think about me for a change” being in hospital had allowed me to safely reflect back to my past journey, and try to make sense of where my life had taken me and more importantly “How the FUCK at 22 did I find myself sectioned” I was a mother of two young girls for crying out loud…

I did ALOT of reflection at the time and I mean a lot,  I asked myself loads and loads of questions, I really did question myself …

  • Why did I think it was so important to please everyone else?
  • Why did I always feel a disappointment to others! – not meeting their expectations of who I should be or act, trying to be someone I wasn’t 
  • Why despite everything I did, did I feel misunderstood?
  • Why had I dedicated my life around to trying to make everyone else around me feel happy?
  • Why did I hate letting anyone down! – always saying ‘yes’ when I really wanted to say ‘NO’
  • How come no-one knew or understood how unhappy I really was? – Now, this is the MAJOR one…

The bottom line was if I didn’t know the answers to the questions ? “how the fuck did I expect anyone else to know?”  This was something that I had to work out myself.

So here I am 48 years old and 25 years later asking myself the same questions? Now don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near the person I was back in hospital all those years ago,  I’m not having a mental breakdown, (I promise) I have a very good sense of self awareness, but I do think and feel that I have been getting by the past 15 years, just focusing on the surface stuff, I’ve lost touch with me! the real me?

Our personalities are made up of different layers, we are very complex human beings and I suppose I haven’t listened to me, the core of who I am for a long time and have basically started to  #haveaword, touch base with me again.

There are a lot of things I still want to achieve in life, I’m not sure what they are yet? well I do,  that dam fucking book, but there is more I can feel it, sense it.

I have a great partner, two great kids, grandson, a few amazing friends, who “get me” and the job I am very fortunate to enjoy, where I know I am making a difference.  But even with all these things, which I am eternally thankful for, I haven’t really been true to me for a long time. But now is the time…

Four weeks ago, something clicked again, I felt like something was missing, I didn’t know what? I couldn’t see it, but I felt it.  The saying is true “you cannot buy happiness” real happiness can only be achieved (in my humble opinion) by learning to take some responsibility and start asking yourself some questions, start thinking about

  • Practicing to accept the things you can change, but more importantly practice accepting the things you cant – a lot of things in life ARE out of our control. 
  • Learn to truly accept and love yourself for who you are – instead of waiting for someone else to make you feel loved, start loving yourself, regardless of how you think YOU look -Trust me, no one is bothered, only YOU
  • Practice looking around you and be thank full for what you ‘have got‘ and stop focusing on  ‘what you haven’t got’ and do you know what with this one? if you have got YOUR HEALTH you are very very lucky, because when your dead, your DEAD
  • If you have a roof over your head, be thankful, some people haven’t!
  • If you can only afford to buy the basic essentials, be thankful, some people cannot!
  • If you aren’t in a place you want to be, learn patience, work toward your goal if you don’t get there, it wasn’t mean to be, but at least you can say you tried?
  • Life is about taking RISK’s, we can either have a go and learn to manage and understand our fears & feelings that prevent us from taking a risk, OR we can stay exactly where we are.

And folks, this is exactly what I have been practicing myself, over the past four weeks…

  • Making time for ME
  • learning to accept that I will always have self-doubt, but I can learn to manage that self-doubt, learn to live with it
  • Learning to accept and ignore when people have questioned why I bought a desk? computer? why I have started writing? because it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks as long as “I’m happy”
  • I’ve learned that the happier I am with myself the happier people around me are
  • I feel less stressed, calmer, sleeping better, ALL because I started to #Haveawordwimesen AGAIN.
  • AND I am practicing to write, FOR ME, whilst I am happy to share my writing with a select few (that’s you by the way) I am writing for ME.
  • In the past 4 weeks, I have had a break, from alcohol, just to see if I could hear and listen to myself again, Trust me it’s hard to hear yourself when you are dealing with a shitty hangover 
  • I set this website up, started a blog, (this was never in my plan) but it feels right?
  • Whilst I am expressing myself on here, I am also learning to develop my own unique style of writing, so when I DO finish the fucking dam book, it will be a real true reflection of my interpretation of the story.

Now in the picture above, you might see someone talking to a wall?

I see someone who is talking to their own reflection, talking to themselves. No one else, that shadow is MY shadow, it’s me, but just a reflection, a different view of who I am, and I for one am happy that our paths have crossed again.

A shadow only appears when the light is present if it is dark and you cannot see your shadow, create some light…

Tracey x

Taking back my dice

Morning

I took a break from drinking alcohol socially over 24 days ago now (thats not to say I’m NOT DRINKING AGAIN) But the main, fundamental reason I wanted a break was to ‘find me again’ . Over the past few years the only time I ever really got to myself to relax and not think about work, life etc, was the weekend.

However, for the past, christ knows how long, my weekends have been spent trying to relax, but its hard to relax, when I was fucking hungover and crap. And then theres the ‘dam book’ getting around to writing ‘that fucking book’ for years and despite attempts to make a start, they have always been half hearted, because in order (I think) to pore my heart out about some personal crap, will require me to be in a good place AND it helps if your not hungover and feeling CRAP.

I think I have known and felt this way for a while, but could never put my finger on what was missing.

So during the first 22 days, I honestly have to say, I have never felt better physically and mentally, whilst its felt different, the way I feel about myself is 1000 times better than I have done in years. I have realised what was missing was “having a relationship again with me”. I’d started to prioritise me! and by not drinking, I’d given myself the space to ‘think about me’ .

In the 4th of July’s post, I talked about life being like ‘A game of Snake and Ladders’.

I have recently had a couple of shit, crap, wank days this week, that made ‘me’ feel crap about myself. How ever after some ‘me time’ reflection I can now see how I had allowed this to happen.

And, yes I said “ME” even though there were some external factors, incidents that had happened. I didn’t like how I was feeling and realised that the past couple of days, whilst it had been going through the motions, I had stopped #Havingawordwimesen


So it was time to #Haveaword, this started off by asking myself, what happened that ‘I’ had allowed to piss of off over the past couple of days?  Looking back

Soooo….. I had a couple of meetings at the beginning of the week, of which I felt uncomfortable about dealing with, (it would appear I was probably more anxious about them than I thought). 

I got the first one out of the way and felt better, relieved and  relaxed again.

Then I returned to my desk to be told the admin worker called in sick, I did feel gutted because the consequences was that, that day there was a deadline to be met, which meant I would have to do it. But at the time though,  I reasoned (#hadaword) with myself, ‘ok, its happened, there is nothing I can do about itI will just have to do it’. So I re-priorised my work and cracked on with the task in hand.

So what with managing,  juggling and troubleshooting other work related issues, I did leave work that day feeling drained from being under pressure. I was physically and emotion knackered by the end of Monday, so went to bed early too get some rest for the meeting that lunch time that I was ‘really dreading and anxious about’

I had prepped for the meeting, I had all the information at hand, I was struggling to prepare myself for having to deal with the person chairing the meeting.

In a nut shell, he’d previously been publicly derogatory and had made some flippant remarks about one of the projects I’d managed, however as I wasn’t at the meetings when he’d aired ‘his’ flippant remarks I obviously wasn’t able to defend or respond. SO basically I knew, that should he start making flippant remarks, whilst I was present, I would have NO choice but to challenge it.

On route to the meeting I was constantly #havingawordwimesen, reminding myself that…

  • I was  good at my job
  • That it was only HIS opinion
  • I was well respected by my peers
  • Try not to take it personal

Well, after being in the meeting for approximatly 15-20 minutes, he made another similar derogatory remark, like the ones he’d made at previous meetings, those meetings, where I hadn’t been able to defend back.

WELL its fair to say I LOST ME SHIT, in fact the only part of me losing my shit I recall is saying “I’m sorry, but I am NOT having that!” I honestly do not remember what I actually said.

All I know is that after I stopped, all the eyes in the room were on me, which left me feeling slightly (well a-lot) embarrassed and ashamed of myself. Even though, it was fully justified, I felt (a little better) I had not wanted, nor intended on reacting like it did, essentially I had let him in and allowed him to get to me.

Even though, I would love to have stamped on his fucking head and give him ALL the FUCKS I possessed, the reality is, I would’ve felt better initially, but then what?

  • Would that stop him from being a FUCKWIT? – NO
  • Who left that meeting feeling SHIT? – ME

I checked in with a coupled of people who were there after, firstly to apologise for my outburst, but also to find out what I had said (because I honestly don’t remember). One said “He deserved it” the other said “all you did was show how passionate you are”, so basically I went OTT.


I don’t like ‘being’ or ‘feeling’ like that person. Yesterday, I came home knowing Pat was out all night, which meant I could use the alone time to #haveawordwimesen, I got out my personal journal and started to write and do you know what? I started to feel a lot better, because after reflecting on all the of the above, I understood why I was feeling ‘SHIT’.

It was because my feelings had been hurt, i had taken stuff to heart and personalised something that wasn’t in fact personal nor intentionally intended to hurt me, but that I had made it personal.

So like ‘the game of snake and ladders,  what I had done is stopped rolling my own dice and had allowed someone else to throw my dice for me… and guess what? “thats ok,.

Sometimes we don’t realise that we are allowing someone else to throw our dice” the key is when you realise you are allowing someone to play the game for you, you have a choice, you can either take back the dice, or continue to let them play YOUR game on YOUR behalf.

Sooo, the question you could ask YOURSELF today is who are YOU allowing to throw your dice?

 

Love Fordy x

 

 

How are your “what if’s” or “yes but’s”

Morning guys

Not had the best of sleep’s, worrying about a couple of meetings I have today where i am worried that what I have to say might not be popular or welcomed by a couple of people in particular. – I have even missed my morning run, because I feel shattered. 

No one likes confrontation, but confrontation is a part of life whether we like it or not. The confrontation might be about addressing something you have done OR something someone else might have done. Either way if it is bothering you, it needs addressing, but it never feels good does it?

So because it doesn’t feel good the first and ‘easy’ option is to leave it, let it drop – I have to say, I have done this many a time, I have even let the same situation happen again and again, before I realise  and accept that its time to ‘Confront the issue‘ – But it still doesn’t feel good does it?  Or you leave it, walk away, but your still left feeling shit, either way it doesn’t feel nice, you cannot win either way.

But can you think of a time, where you had made the decision to confront an issue, after hours and hours of internal turmoil and after you felt much, much better? empowered, in control.

Feelings play a major role in our every waking day, but we often, suppress them, particularly the uncomfortable ones, because the feeling doesn’t feel nice.

Did you know that its our own feelings that dictates most of all our decision making?

The decisions, based on how we feel, can and does determine how, how long it can take a person to get from A to B, some people never get to B all because of their feelings.

There is a GREAT book I read many years ago, its called “Feel the Fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers, it helped me understand about my fears, rational and irrational and better still how to help manage my own fears.

This is a short one today, but wanted to share some advice I took on board myself many years ago.

WARNING I still struggle with my feelings, you cannot buy a monitor off the shelf that deals with your feelings for YOU, theres only YOU that can do it!  Sorry its not the easy option, but its the only option YOU have.

Well I am going to those fucking meetings today, I am going to say what I want to say and not suppress it, ALL because I’m WORRIED about the outcome and how it will leave me FEELING.

#Feelingssuck #Fuckfeelings

Love Fordy x

 

 

Talking to yourself “Is the first sign of madness isn’t it?”

Ive got a confession to make…

I talk to myself” YES thats it, I said it, I talk to me sen!, in fact I talk to me sen ALL the friggin time! ‘I even had full blown arguments with me sen’ Now you won’t have ever seen me doing this, well you might have seen me act it out, but you won’t have ever heard what ‘im talking to Mesen about’ because I do it all in me head.

Feel free to section me now pleeease. God how I would love to spend another week in the psychiatric ward or ‘Nut house‘ as it was affectionally called. Well it was called that, the ward I was in, is now a lovely housing estate. So now the area is filled with ‘nutters’ who have actually paid to live there I their big posh houses…. ‘Ironic”


On a serious note though, people look at me as if I have grown two fucking heads, when I tell them I was in Middlewood and it was the best thing that ever happened to me”. Now don’t get me wrong I defiantly wasn’t well when I went in, I was suffering from drug induced psychosis (too much amphetamine use)

But after finally accepting that I wasn’t right in the head, I finally agreed to go, (much to the relief of my family, I can tell thee) I accepted I…

  • Was spent
  • Was fucked up,
  • I had lost the plot
  • I was nothing
  • I couldn’t feel
  • I couldn’t think anymore
  • I didn’t know who I was
  • I was a shell, a body an empty body
  • I was spiritless “the lights were on but no one was fucking home”. 

I can now see why the family were concerned though, what they didn’t know was I had recently stopped taking amphetamine. So when my family were telling me I wasn’t making sense I was like “fuck off, theres nowt wrong wi me, its you lot!” during my episode I’d ceremonyously burned every single item of stolen goods or tainted items in our house,  (as I called them) on the back garden, I’d also thrown the last lot of amphetamine on the fire too. For me I was cleansing myself, getting rid of all the badness around me. That included people close to me, if I even smelled ‘yes smelled‘ a whiff of insincerity on someone they were allowed near me! I was convinced that my mobile calls were being intercepted, so that went on the fire too.

I was given a leaflet by a religious guy who lived down the road from us, it was about John the baptist, how he was persecuted for his belief and faith, I was like “whoa thats me!” so I think that when I’d started ranting about being lie John the Baptist my family decided enough was enough.

I vividly recall, standing in the reception at the hospital, whilst my mom was checking me in, thinking “holy shit, how the fuck have I ended up here” and this old ‘BIG BAD FORDY’ wa shitting her sen I can tell thee!

It was late evening when I got there, so everyone was in bed. Mom and Ada (my stepdad) had left me there and the staff were taking me to a ward with about 10 beds in, five either side of the room, none of the curtains were closed (I honestly thought they might have given me my own room for fucks sake) so here I was cacking me sen, taken to a bed, to sleep with a room full of strangers.

By this time, I hadn’t actually had any sleep for over 48 hours, the medical staff offered me some tablets to help with sleep, but that would have meant putting something impure into my system and I was trying to rid myself of anything impure! so after declining tablets, I attempted to sleep. Well, I pretended to sleep, there was a girl who got up after noticing I’d been brought in, who was ranting and raving about how she “wanted to sleep like her!” I knew she meant me, cos she was at the bottom of me fucking bed! its fair to say that, at that time I was was the most afraid, I’d ever been and don’t asked me what happened over the next few days, because most of it is a blur.

RIGHT I’m digressing, so enough about this episode in my life –  I might write about it another time, in more depth. 

The point I am trying to make is, the reason why “being sectioned in Middlewood” was the best thing that EVER could have happened to me was, because for the first time, (apart from first going in) I felt safe, no one could contact me.  I had the space to, think, reflect, non interrupted reflection, no one telling me what to do, or how or what to think! I had the time to think through what I really wanted, it was the first time in my life that I had the space to think about ‘ME’ what did ‘I want?’  more importantly what I ‘didn’t want‘.

I also become to realise and learn whilst in Middlewood, that the other people that were there,  was because they  also broken, they weren’t ‘MAD’ they weren’t ‘BAD’, life had just become too much, they couldn’t cope any more, they were just like me, or I was just like them.

The bottom line is the reason or story that had brought them there, whilst all were different and unique to them, they were here because they couldn’t cope with life ‘at that time‘. Being there allowed them ‘me‘ some respite from that wonderful thing we call life?


Since being released from “the NUT house” my life, hasn’t been easy, but ya know what? I’m still here. I am a different person, I think a better person and all because I’d started listening to what I “really wanted” not what was “expected of me!” 

Not sure where people go to or are sent to now a-days to have a word with the sens? but I’m here doing it now and using this platform to reflect, make sense of what I want… you see I think (well I know) that somewhere over the past few years, I’ve stopped thinking about what ‘I truly want’ and im not talking materialistic stuff here, I’m talking the stuff money CANNOT buy, I’m talking about being happy and content with who I am.

So to everyone, who’s wondering ‘What the fuck is Tracey on with at the moment?’ I’ll tell ya, “Im basically having a word wi me sen”

  • I chose to have a break of the alcohol, not because I think im an alcoholic, but I realised that those social drinks I’ve been having every weekend for ‘Christ knows how long’ has left me feeling ‘shit, every weekend’ and I started to get a bit bored, so I wanted to see whether or not having a break would actually make me feel better? – Guess what it has?
  • I have used the time that I would have normally spent, monging on the sofa hungover watching shit TV, doing something for me! Ive been wanting to write for years, I’ve made attempts, but then I have ‘given up’ mainly arguing and telling myself, “I’m not good enough‘ OR ‘it who the fuck cares about what you have to say?’

But here I am writing and I don’t care

  • What people might think!
  • If people don’t understand it!
  • If I have made a spelling mistake “I’m not perfect and don’t claim to be”
  • If I use words you night find offensive

I do CARE though about ME, I am finally doing something for ‘ME’ which requires me to do a-lot #having a word wi me sen.

But theres no need to section me, (‘well ya can if you like, I would willing go, unfortunately I have a job to go to’) because I am the happiest I have been in a long time. So don’t worry about me mate, I’d spend your time and energy worrying about ya sen, and what YOU really want out of life?

So back to the heading

Is talking to yourself the first sign of madness?

love Tracey, feel free to comment (note you will have to click on the blog heading for the comment box to appear at the end)

 

 

 

 

Planning a new trip?

Im my introduction to this page I talked about, being 48 years old and didn’t want to get to 50 and look back and think ‘You still haven’t written that book’ or not done the things ‘I had been meaning or wanting to do’ but never got around to doing it. I don’t like the feeling of self disappointment, in fact I hate it!

To be fair, I don’t know anyone! ” who likes the feeling of letting themselves down?” No one The reality is I am not getting younger, I’m not sure what I will think and feel like when I’m 50, but who EVER does?  How can self predict what they will look like?, feel like? The simple answer is I cant?

Life is full of uncertainties – Its like driving a car to a new destination, some people will feel more confident about the journey and final destination, more than others.

In preparation for the journey some people will:

  • Need to learn to drive – who can help you with this?
  • Not even attempt the journey – they just think about it
  • Risk it – and just make it up as they go a long and hope they get there
  • Already have an idea/understanding of the the route/direction they are heading
  • Need a map, plan the route in advance or use if get lost, or take a wrong turn
  • Rely on a ‘sat nav, a gadget’ to tell them which way to go-WARNING these gadgets can let you down

Thats all well and good, everyone is different, so they will prepare for their own journey, with what they are comfortable with or if it feels safer to stay put, they will stay put and won’t go anywhere.

If the Journey went well – the majority of people (if they needed or wanted to revisit) will attempt the journey again and are more likely to return OR go even further.

If the journey went bad – Lets say ‘you got lost all the time’, or ‘people cut you up and pissed you off,’  or ‘you had a flat tyre and no spare’ or god for bid the car broke down. You could call the AA, get the car fixed and carry on OR you might have not got cover? you say “fuck this I’m going back”


Life can be like planning a journey, you get to chose your destination, how you get there, who you take

The sad  part of this is a lot of people, can allow themselves to

  • Get distracted
  • Keep looking back on where they have just come from, taking their eyes off the road
  • Be afraid of the journey, worry about all the potential hazards that might happen

Today ask yourself

  • Are you fancying a trip? – or are you happy with where you are now? maybe your not ready?
  • Which destination would you like to go to? – is it going to be a quick journey or a long journey 
  • How could you get there? car, bus, train? – What are your options?
  • How will you prepare for the trip? – What do you need to do before you set off?
  • Whose going with you? OR  are you going alone?
  • If you have problems on the way? what could they look like? how could you solve them (for example, a flat tyre, have you got a spare? are you signed up to a recovery service?) 
  • What if you get lost? – what can you do?

At the moment, I am

  • Loving driving my new car, I have been planning this trip for a long time
  • Im not sure of my final destination, but I am hoping I will feel better when I get there
  • Im not sure how long it will take or whether I will need some breaks along the way (after all everyone needs a piss)
  • It might look and feel completely different when I get there, but where ever I go, I want to make the most of the journey.

Have you been planning any trips lately?

What ever you are doing today, make the most of it, stop worry about where you have been, and more importantly stop looking back if your always looking and focusing here you have been,  you won’t be able to focus on where you are going

Love Tracey x