Refreshing your Highway Code

There are three keywords to bear in mind when taking to the roads Mirror– Signal – Manoeuvre or MSM. But how often do we apply this in life?


  • How do you use your mirrors frequently so that you always know what is behind and to each side of you – do you ever check?
  • Do you use your mirrors in good time before you signal or change direction or speed?
  • How do you make sure you are prepared for when you’re mirrors not being able to cover all areas 
  • Do you look for blind spots. Do you ever look round and check?
  • Are you prepared for other traffic, other road users?


  • Should be applied to the direction you intend on taking, signals depend on what you see in your mirrors – do you do this?
  • Signalling too late may not provide other road users behind you with enough time to react, for example; if you are intending on slowing or stopping the car – how do you communicate this? 
  • Signalling too early can give the impression you are taking a turn sooner than the actual turn you intend


  • The manoeuvre part of MSM can be many things from roundabouts, junctions, changing lanes or parking up.
  • You should always be prepared to alter your route depending on circumstances – do you have a back up plan?
  • If driving in an area with potential hazards, pedestrians or cyclists for example, you may need to check the mirrors and blind spot once again before committing to the manoeuvre. – do you ever do this? 
  • Are you prepared to alter your speed or destination even at the very last moment? 
  • Are you aware of Cyclists, pedestrians and other vehicles which can be unpredictable?

We have all experianced our own journey, for me i have

  • Felt like at times I was a passenger?
  • Had times, out of fear I preferred to walk to my destination? 
  • I had a particular destination in mind, but couldn’t seem to find it?
  • I found my destination and it wasn’t what I thought it would look like?
  • Some of my journeys have taken me down some down dead-end roads.
  • I have had to figure out or how many three-point turn’s, or twenty? Are required to turn my car around and start again? 
  • I have hit many roundabouts, going around and around not sure which exit to take? 
  • I’ve gone down streets only to find that they are one way?
  • I didn’t have a map or the resources to get me to my destination
  • I was once disqualified, unfit to drive (because of my mental health)

#Havingawordwimesen is as much about

Having a safe space to park up and explore my journey to date, reflect on the miles I have traveled, Explore, or share some of the missed turnings or wrong turnings, but more importantly – LEARN from them.

When was the last time you refreshed your Highway Code?

Remember, if you would like to subscribe to more post, please go to and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you didn’t, then do nothing and that’s ok too, Love Fordy x

Create your own Happy Ending

We are a society that wants to believe that every story has a “happily ever after” ending and certainly good always wins over evil. I hate to tell you folks but that’s just not the case. Sometimes the evil is very evil and more often tha not it goes unpunished… at least here on this earth. In my 49 years of existence I seem to be learning life lessons daily #ShitHappens

Today I woke up feeling ok, tired, but ok, before going to sleep last night I got me running kit out with the intention of taking me sad sorry ass out onto the streets, I did it, it felt good, but not amazing, just good. Since the dark days can tend to blur our vision it can be a daily struggle, so try to create and embrace the happy ones!

Working on yourself requires you to do something about it, it just doesn’t happen, you don’t wake up every morning feeling light, happy, ready a raring to go without putting in some effort in beforehand. Rewards come from making an effort, pushing yourself to do something out of your comfort zone, trying something new with the understanding and acceptance that it won’t magically change your life overnight! 

The daily challenge to stay positive, trying not to go into fuck it mode can be and IS hard graft and it’s real. But it’s not all bad, it’s not all doom and gloom, there are some steps and lessons that we can work on that can help us acquire our own “happy ever after” whatever that may look like for you, so whilst you are working out what your happy ever after looks like, here’s some tips/advice

Tip/Advice 1 – Protect your mental and emotional sanity above the desire to be a peacekeeper. If you have flown recently you are likely familiar with the pre-takeoff safety drill that instructs passengers that in the event of an emergency, place your own oxygen mask over your face before attempting to assist the person next to you. There is a reason for that my friend…. if your mental, emotional and spiritual self is not in a place of wholeness and health you will not be equipped to help someone else heal. Often when seeking closure with another party we are really seeking the ending that makes us feel better. We want everyone in agreement and we all go on to live happily ever after, but life doesn’t work like that?

 Tip/Advice 2 – The truth doesn’t matter to those that don’t care. If living a life of morality and truth is not a priority it goes without saying that when confronted with the truth it will have no impact. Sometimes the other party doesn’t want closure…. sometimes they are so narcissistic and self-consumed that they can’t see past themselves and their desire to be “right”. Sometimes people are so encompassed by evil that they find pleasure in the emotional torment of others. Those that want to be part of your life will find the time, they will bring value to your life and they will make you a stronger and better version of yourself. 

Tip/Advice 3 – Don’t settle for a life with people that cause you pain, insecurity or hurt. Life is hard but life is also a gift. If you study the small print you will see that life has an expiration date. Don’t waste your gift of time on people that wont fight for you in public and defend you in your absence. Don’t chase the people that haven’t chased you. Surround yourself with people that get you, understand you, but more importantly GET you. 

And finally Tip/Advice 4 – stay true to yourself, it’s ok not to be ok, it’s ok to have good days, and finally, it’s ok to be you.

Love Fordy xxx

Understanding Personal resilience is something we can all benefit from so we ‘bounce rather than break’ under the pressures, hassles, there are always opportunities for growth we just need time to update our own software from time to time

I don’t know about you, but I always get pissed off when I get a reminder of my phone or computer that some software needs updating, it’s intended to protect our equipment from make it resiliant to the latest virus or whatever. After a few reminders, I will succumb and let whatever the device needs do what it needs to do then carry on using it. Sometimes the setting’s or features might change, I don’t like it, but I soon get used to it and carry on as before.

So it got me thinking “we are in an age where we need our electronic software updating, but how often do we update our own?” what about our internal resilience? I mean we all have it, but how much time do we dedicate to updating, refreshing or updating it? continually taking ourselves for granted?

It is impossible to notice, experience, or observe everything, we unconsciously put our experiences and observations through a lens of relevance that is shaped by our personal needs. From these relevant experiences and observations, we make assumptions, and from those assumptions, we draw conclusions. From conclusions, we form our belief, but how often do we refresh or update ourselves?

Resilience – we all have it, but what does it look like? If you are anything like me, you have survived and come through some pretty shit situations. Situations that at the time might have left you feeling like your world has been ripped apart. The loss of a loved one, betrayal, addiction, abuse? The list goes on…  

Guess what? If you are reading this, “you survived?” But how did you do it? What was it that got you through those tough times? 

You have the ones like myself, who went from one crisis to another, to the point where I literally lost my sanity, where I was lost in an abyss, a place I would describe as being my worst nightmare, but guess what? I survived! I have written about resilience in a lot in my previous post of my post

Everyones definition of resilience is different, we all have it, we all possess resilience often we don’t recognise just how resilient we are, until like an elastic band, which starts out with an abundance of elasticity but has been played with, toyed with stretched, maybe used for a time to bind something in place, but sometimes it has been stretched so much to the point that there is no elasticity left resulting in us snapping, making unwise decisions, some which can have a lifetime of consequences. We all bare our own personal scars, which are a reminders of a time we have been stretched too far, sometimes the evidence of being stretched too far are still there to see, some visible to the naked eye others are not but can been seen in how we, act, react, how we deal with life, our actions. 

But just because the elastic band has snapped doesn’t mean it no longer serves a purpose! “how many times has the SHIT HIT THE PAN and you’ve snapped your elastic band in two, you have used all your bands up, had nothing left to use, so being resourceful you decide tie a knot into the band and start again?”– fuck me my band has about 5 knots biding it all together. 

There are people in life who go from one crisis to another, (we all know one or more people like this) making the same mistakes again and again, but guess what? they are still here they are still surviving, they are still coping, albeit not in the way you or might, but they are in their own way. 

But I don’t want to be in the latter group, in a world and society of so many pressures and mixed messages being able to understand resilience, what helps build a strengthen not just my own, but for others too.

I have been entertaining the idea of setting up a group or designing a training program to help others, to help them work out what resilience means to them, how to recognise just how resilient they are even when they think or feel that they are a failure. To explore their life’s journey to date, to realise just how much elasticity they possess and how even if they snap they can reuse and strengthen their own personal elasticity/resilience. A workshop which enables participants to “Update their Software” Afterall our old thoughts, feelings and behaviours often need updating, much like we would update the software on our computers!

Understanding Personal resilience is something we can all benefit from so we ‘bounce rather than break’ under the pressures, hassles and opportunities for growth (ie more pressures and hassles) of life. 

I am collaborating with Mick Holmes one of my oldest and wisest friends and trusted colleagues to design a workshop for people to help understand what resiliance means to them, how they can build on their own resiliance – so watch this space

Finding the right balance​, is a balancing act in itself

Its been nearly 3 weeks since my last blog and that’s ok, to be honest, I haven’t had the desire nor time to translate my daily journal into something to share, mainly out of feeling like I had nothing to say? It feels sometimes having a break isnt worth the emotional or practical hassle?

Being in a position where I am fortunate to be able to fund a two-week break away sounds idyllic doesn’t it? But the weeks in the run-up to going away was filled with lots of forward planning, additional stress trying to preempt any issues that might arise in my absence, ensuring that someone else could assist. Prepping for meetings that were scheduled in my diary the first week of my return all in an attempt to reduce any return to work anxieties. I do this so that I can enjoy my break, in the knowledge that whilst I am away everything will be ok.

The first week away always feels weird, I mean ya knackered before ya go away with all the preparation beforehand. So switching from being in a reactive state of mind to not having to think about the day to day stuff takes time. I took my notebook, Kindle, and music with me everywhere, I did loads of writing, reading and listening to music that soothes my soul. I ate out, caught up with the old man, drank nice wine. I do find that it takes me a good week to really start to relax, by the middle of the second week the thought of becoming a hobo, beach bum seems appealing, but then towards the end of the holiday, reality starts to kick in. And whilst I might romance the idea or contemplate the benefits of being a hobo, in reality, I know that I could never settle for that, I reason with myself that, it is what it is, times up, it back to reality. Back to work, back to doing what I love, getting paid to do what I love, which also pays for the breaks, I will return to work, refreshed, tanned energised and ready for anything…


I am not ready for hearing that a funding bid I applied for had been declined, I am not ready for all the 400+ emails that I need to wade through before I can even consider, thinking about the meeting later that day, I am not ready for the same bullshit, the same organizational narrative, same shit different day! I’m not ready for politics, I’m not ready for the self-imposed expectations, I’m just not ready, so much so I complained to my manager that people who have gone on annual leave, ought to be entitled to a phased return to work, (she laughed, but i wasn’t joking) baby steps, reduced hours to help you build your bullshit resilience back up again, to help ease you back into the work rat race! Its a reet culture shock I mean for two weeks I have been able to forget about mundane shit, be around myself without interruption from others, drink alcohol without worrying about how I might perform the following day, eat what i want, without worrying about the weight gain (after all im on holiday) or walk about the beach with all me wobbly bits hanging out, without worrying about what anyone thinks, because i dont know them and because i dont give a fuck so basically, pretend that for two weeks, life is perfect.

It is my second week back into work, back to reality and getting the balance is fucking hard three days in and I could have quite simply at 4 o’clock laid out on the office floor and slept, my energy levels felt sapped, I had little or no tolerance for being around people, I want to just go home and lock myself in my room for a while longer, I want to continue to eat whatever I want without giving a fuck about the consequences, I want to get back to who and where I was before I switched off and went away.

I do wonder though, if I will ever get that work life balance ever right?

Reflections – nearly one year on

It is my 49th Birthday today, I have got holiday coming up soon, but got plenty still to do. I am sooo looking forward to being able to switch off for two whole weeks, but this year will be different, because i am different, my outlook on life is different.

It’s nearly a year since I came back off me hols, invested in this computer and started to write. This time last year I was completely stressed, worrying about work, worrying if I had forgotten to do something before I posted my out of office on.

The initial drive for writing was to complete the book, this time last year I was reflecting on the fact that i was coming up to 50 and still hadn’t completed writing the book “Blood is thicker than Alcohol”,. I felt whole and empty all the same time, something was missing from my life and i couldn’t figure it out.

I took the advice from a dear friend Mick Holmes and went out to purchase a desk, computer and started to write, not really knowing where it was taking me, but i just wrote. I took advice from other writers who tell you “to write, write anything every day” it improves your confidence with writing, but for me it has given back so much more, far much more than i could have ever imagined.

For almost a year I get up 1st thing in a morning and write (or should I say ramble) but an unexpected result of doing this has been that I have discovered a better version of me, an understanding how I tick, I have learned so much about myself, making the time for me, saving some of my precious time back for me.

I have read many books, learned that I am more creative than I ever knew, I feel calmer, I don’t tend to let things get to me as much, I am able to let so many issues go… I have been brave enough to share my thoughts and journey on my own website, (fuck me the fact that i actually own my own website domain is insane) I have pursued training that I have wanted to do for eons. Friends, the family now know that writing is a big part of my life now, I can openly share how much I enjoy it, even in the midst of others skepticism, I have steamed on.

I have learned to tame my drinking habits, I am much more mindful. However I am not perfect, I will have a shandy now and then and the odd bottle of wine on a weekend and whilst I can moderate my eating during the week,  I still succumb to the weekend blow out, knowing all too well that I will feel bloated, and sick for a couple of days after. But I still do it. I still doubt myself (not as much) the self-doubt is always there, I still have FAT days, I still have days when I see a pic of myself and cringe (the camera doesn’t lie) because of what I see, the real me, the aged Tracey, the physical evidence of older age, the wrinkles, the flabby arms, the turtle neck, the kangaroo pouch, somedays I accept me as i am and other days I’m not so accepting. 

There are some days, I don’t write, because I feel like I don’t have anything to say or I prioritize work or home life, but I always come back to the writing, I am going away in two days and feel torn, do I take my laptop? Do I take the risk of it being stolen or covered in sand, I do I just treat myself to a holiday note book and write when the urge takes me? I think it will be the latter!

There have been some shitty personal challenges through out the year such as unexpected death, injustices, crisis’s that have brought on emotional distress, but I am learning to cope with it much better, because I have realised that no ones life is perfect, including my own life #Shithappens to good people and nice stuff happens to #shitpeople, or should I say less deserving people. There is injustice all around us, but there are also some amazing stuff too, that’s often missed or taken for granted. Like friendships, connecting with people, seeing beyond the person who presents themselves differently from others, the rewards from being kind and compassionate, from being able to let things go sooner, rather than later, holding onto shit I cannot change and embracing the things I can change, like myself. Learning to save, keep back a little of that compassion the I have for others, for myself. Learning to be kinder to myself ignoring the negative dialog that can plague my inner self. One of the biggest lessons I have learned is not to be ashamed of not being perfect, not to be ashamed of getting shit wrong, not to be ashamed of being me, 

The way I now see it is that we get one shot of life, and that’s a fact! I don’t want to be on my death bed full of regrets, I want to know that I lived life to the fullest, I want to be able to look back on my life and say “I did my best” not just for myself, but for others around me. 

Life can be taken for granted, It is so easy just to go with the flow of life, without never actually taking any of it in, we can get carried away with ourselves and others that we risk missing out on so much. 

So my birthday present this year is to me, is ME

 Reflections - A year on 
 The same person 
 A different view 
 Learning about myself 
 The things I never knew 
 A new optimism for life
 Learning to let go of the strife
 Putting myself first
 Recognising my own worth 

 Taking new risk’s
 Venturing into the unknown 
 Accepting the challenges
 Yet to unfold 

 I don’t know the future 
 I don’t have a crystal ball
 But I do know this
 We get one crack at life
 And i'm giving it my all

 Learning not to give up
 The positives are still there 
 Opening my heart
 Learniing, Its ok to care
 Learning its ok to be me
 Be brave 
 Be true
 Trusting myself
 Thats all i can do

 Fordy 29.05.2019 

Still looking for the good in a haze of shit

I cannot watch the news
  The headlines 
 They get me down
 Every where you look
 Every reason to frown

 Who will they choose?
 Johnson or hunt 
 Does it matter?
 They are both **nts

 Begging on the street
 Queuing at food banks to eat
 Blaming each other 
 For our poverty and despair 
 Going around in circles fucking going no where
 Never positive 
 No! That don’t sell news
 Is it any wonder people turn to use
 Reach for the bottle or the syringe 
 To block it all out 
 To take away the cringe
 I’m sick of listening to nobodies 
 Arguing about who’s to blame
 No government in my lifetime 
 Will be able to tame societies shame
 I’m sick of the negative 
 It could get me down
 But I won’t be drawn in
 When there’s so much positive around
 I might not have a say
 But I can make a difference 
 In my own way 
 To the guy on the street
 The ones who got nowt to eat
 We can make a difference 
 We can stop have a word
 We can listen 
 We can let them be heard 

 Change is inevitable
 Just go with the flow
 There’s still much to do
 We can all make a difference 
 But it starts with YOU
 Before you can help others
 You must take care of yourself 
 Look out for the good
 Let go of the bad 
 Trust me, holding onto it will just make you sad
 Be kind
 Don’t be cruel
 Does it matter who rules
 Look after loved ones and those that count 
 Our work is not done yet
 Theres still too much to do
 I can live with myself 
 The question is
 “Can you?”

What the fuck does normal actually mean?

Normal what the fuck does normal actually mean? I googled it, this is what I got …

Something that is normal is usual and ordinary, and is what people expect. (Collins Dictionary)

Conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected. (Oxford Dictionary)

So my question is if normal is about, being ordinary and conforming then who sets the standards? If social norms are formed by expectations, who decides what the standards are? Who says what’s normal and what’s not? Who dictates the rules? Who decides what the social norms should be? I mean everyones definition of normal is different, so who gets to decide what normal is right or wrong?

I mean let’s face it there are millions, billions, trillions of different definitions of “normal” that are based on expectations formed by someone in society different cultures, So how the fuck do you decide or work out what’s normal for you? For example 

In some parts of society it is perfectly normal to inject your face with botox (which by the way is a fucking poison, which taken in high doses can be deadly) just to make you look and feel better, but yet it’s not normal to inject yourself with heroin to make you feel better? 

It’s normal to sleep in a tent, if you are on your holidays, but it’s not normal to live on one on the street?

Its normal for people to go out on a weekend, go into a pub purchase a drink, drink allow yourself to be under the influence, but its not normal to be stood on a street corner getting high off what ever you can get your hands on?

It’s normal for you to be dictated to your peers or your elders, but it’s not normal to speak out or against them?

I mean who makes up all the fucking rules? I look back on my life and none of it has been normal, despite trying to be “normal” (whatever that fucking is?) I done the having a go at being a “normal kid” I have had a go at doing a “normal job” I have had a go at being a “Normal partner” and I have come to the conclusion that I am far from normal, I don’t want to be “normal” I much prefer being abnormal and unique any day. 

And that for many is the scary part because there is always the fear that if you break away or resist the social norm will and can put you at risk of being ostracised or being treated differently. 

I want to  and get to decide and chose what my “normal” is nobody else can tell me how to think, feel or behave, because what I have learned from life to date is that when I have listened and gone down the “normal route” it has left me feeling dissatisfied, incomplete, trying to be or do something that I don’t want to be or do. Being someone I am not! 

Society doesn’t get to dictate my normality, I DO! If I chose to conform to a social norm then I will! If I don’t then I won’t? Simple!

All of us are trying to work out what’s our normal, but we cannot decide on what’s normal for us based on someone else’s expectations, the expectations have to come from us! Someone else cannot set our standards, we have to set them ourselves. 

My definition of normal is being happy and content, I accept that I will never be totally normal and I’m ok with that, because no fucker is…

I write for me 
Nobody else
It eases my mind
And my mental health

You might not understand 
And that’s ok 
You can read it 
Or you can walk away 

I write for myself 
Nobody else 
A chance to off load 
So I don’t implode

It may not be perfect
And that’s ok too
It works for me
Its not all about you
I write for myself 
Nobody else 
It calms my mind
Helps me to unwind
It might not make sense 
And that’s ok 
It helps me, come to terms 
And understand the person I am today

Got any spare change?

Refections from a week on the Streets

I am not suggested that you build up a relationship with everyone that you see on the streets, or purchase a big issue every time you walk past a big issue seller (I mean how many copies of one mag can you read in one week?) navigating the homeless that we see and sometimes dodge on the streets can  be hard to handle morally and emotionally.

Random tents popping up on street corners, makeshift homes having to walk past someone asleep or passed out in a corner that smells of urine and is strewn with waste. Walking past the same people, watching their physical health deteriorate daily before your eyes, secretly wondering to what their story is, Why they are there? Are they scammers? Are they genuinely homeless? Are they druggies begging for money for their next fix? 

Then there is the genuine fear of having to say no to someone, a stranger who will approach you for money, that you simply haven’t got, who will walk away in disgusted and annoyed that you haven’t parted with any money! Leaving you feeling either sad, helpless or even outraged that you have been left feeling that you could have or should have done more?

Its not a pretty sight, but it is a sight that is becoming more and more visible in our towns, cities, its even spreading into the local communities, only the other day someone one on a quiet estate, in the south of the city approached my mother in law, whilst she was gardening asking for a quid for bus fare. 

“There is deprivation all around us, there always has been, its just that its more visible now, meaning that this vulnerability that we would prefer to ignore to get on with our daily lives is there right in front of us and we can no longer pretend that it doesn’t exist!”

And for many people, they simply do not know What to do? What to say? What to think? What to believe? Who to blame? And I get it? A seasoned drugs worker, a ex addict myself with years worth of experience working with the vulnerable, even I despair and feel helpless at times. The times that support has been offered accepted but then individual doesn’t arrive. The buzz you get some seeing someone making positive changes to the downers from the broken promises, the lies that we are spoon fed from those on the streets, by the ones we know have accommodation but continue to ask for money for a room for the night! The ones who will try and convince you that your money will not be spent on drugs, who accept the sandwich, but will throw it away later when you have gone, or save it to pass on to someone else who might want it. 

Sometimes it feels like all the negativity will never end and that it will only get worse, but what people don’t often see are the ones, the ones you haven’t seen for a while, they are not in their same spot, the ones you wonder “are they still alive?” There are so many people who have been able, with the support of many of the charities, some more than others who have been able to navigate their way off the streets, who now work or volunteer in the services giving back the same compassion and care that someone else extended to them when they were on the streets or entrenched in addiction. 

There are hundreds of people who have reclaimed their lives, by learning to understand the addictive streak that lived within them, learning to tame it, so that they can function in this place we call life, in a reality and society that they can cope with, in a society plagued by stigma and expectations about “Knowing the difference between right and wrong” or what is socially acceptable. 

And that’s why we cannot stop offering compassion, for those of us who see past all the shit, the failures the disappointments but continue to offer compassion either a friendly word, a smile to the person on the street. We have to recognise and understand that they will only do it when THEY are ready. Not when WE want them ready, so in the meantime all WE/YOU can do is show some compassion, being able to look beyond the dirt, the bags that contains anything of value around with them on their backs.

You will never know when that person will smile back at you a say “YES, IM READY! ”

Because when that happens it makes what we do all worth the while. 

The pursuit of happiness isn’t about perfection, its about understanding, accepting our imperfections and managing them to the best of our ability and that’s all we can do

For years I put the needs another man’s before my own. I lived in a deluded world where I thought that if I could make him happy, fix all their problems that I would be ok! Say what he wanted to hear, opposed to what I wanted to say, do what he wanted to do opposed to doing what I wanted soon became second nature and in the process I had learned to believe that thinking about my needs was selfish.

I’d changed, I doubted myself, been rewired, constantly doubting myself, allowing others to using guilt as a weapon to get their own way.

I had become an expert at using others as a distraction an excuse from asking myself “what do I want?” I had become afraid I who I was? But when in reality I didn’t have xxcking Scooby doo! Who I was? let alone what I wanted! So where the fuck do you start?

Being in that place was scary, appearing to be functioning on the outside, the “perfect life” but on the inside, I was a hollow shell, I had lost my identity. I had given it away without realising the long term damage that it would cause me. I have had to learn some hard life lessons, some things about myself I didn’t like, often very painful ones I am working on undoing all the learned thinking, and learning new ways of functioning as a whole being, not just a shell or a preprogrammed robot!

I now live with the constant battle of reminding myself that I’m ok, constantly reassuring myself that I matter, constantly reassuring myself that the actions I make will and are the right ones for me at that time, constantly reassuring myself that its ok to make mistakes, that’s not to say It’s easy, in fact far from it? but I reason that life was never easy before was it? But the doubt’s never really go away.

I now reason that the older version of me was learned thinking, so now I am working on undoing the learning and found that I started to learn things about myself that I never knew even existed? 

I am still the same person, but I am braver than i once thought, I trust my instincts more, and the more I learn about me, the more I realise that the pursuit of happiness isn’t about perfection, its about understanding, accepting our imperfections and managing them to the best of our ability and that’s all we can do. 

I am fortunate, I am no longer in a manipulative relationship in fact I haven’t been for many years, but the scars are still there, they act as a reminder, a reminder to make sure I don’t lose myself again and not to make the same mistakes.

Meeting the man of your dream’s

The ying to my yang 

This was all meant to be 

But it was just me

Making everything all right

Just to prevent a fight

Always wrong

Never right

Chipping away, at my soul

Not sure which way to go

Losing myself 

Chasing the needs of someone else 

Nothing in return

Just a one way street

Feeling weak and defeated 

I’m sick of being mistreated

Something has to change 

I don’t know where to start

This is the frightening part

I cannot continue, its breaking my heart

What if he was right?

What if I’m wrong?

Nah fuck that shit!

I need to stay strong 

I know I my heart

I made some crap choices 

Which cannot be undone

I need to accept them

I need to move on 

To find a new version

A new version of me

That person I once was 

The person I am meant to be 

You weren’t good for me

Now I finally can see

We were never meant to be

A light has been switched on

Time to look after number one 

My heart maybe weak

But my resolve is strong

No longer under your control

I’m done, I’ve let go

Its time to move on

I surround myself with people

The ones who really care

The ones who listen 

The ones who don’t scare

You have lost your control

I’m learning to trust in myself 

To know my own mind 

Starting to be kind

Your spell has been broken 

Give it your best shot

You pushed me to the brink

But I am stronger than you think

Its taken a while

But I can look back smile

No longer under your spell

Its time to get well

Enjoy your life

You are on your own

Taking back some control of our own thoughts instead of allowing others to dictate them is the most valuable commodities we can develop for ourselves, the shit part is that it just takes a lot of practice and patience.

What was thinking about this time yesterday isn’t the same as what I am thinking this morning! The thoughts that consumed my mind yesterday have long since gone and are no longer serving a purpose, I was consumed with a sense of validation, victory, smugness, relief that finally someone who has been blagging their way through life just recently, misleading people with lies on social media was finally found out! 

I was one of those tempted to react and respond celebrating that the truth was finally out, in fact, I did react, I typed, but then deleted a response many a time, but I never actually pressed the send button, because I realised that I didn’t need to? What purpose would that have served? There were others calling them out on social media, my opinion would have been washed up with all the other negative post of condemnation and hatred from those who have been misleaded and lied to. Where as I knew it was bullshit all along, the truth had finally come out and those who had been mislead had every right to vent their anger. 

Later in the day this person closed down their page, I was relieved that the misleading lies would hopefully now stop. However those feelings of victory didn’t last long because it wasn’t long before my thoughts then turned to the person in question, my anger turned to pity, my happiness turned into shame, because despite all the lies and rumours that had been shed, lies and rumours that potentially harmed others, had now been turned in on the person spreading them.  I found myself feeling sorry for “said” person, concerned about their welfare, their mental and emotional state. 

Yes, they had done wrong, and no they didn’t deserve my sympathy, they didn’t deserve the time I was spending thinking about their welfare, but I cannot escape the reality that we have all made mistakes before, our own mistakes can turn into burdens that we carry around invisible to the naked eye we can continue to punish ourselves enough, without the punishment of others too. 

This person had got themselves wrapped up in a deluded reality that fuelled their ego and sense of purpose that was now unravelling around them and the only person that can sieve through the mess in the wake of the misleading lies is the said person in question. 

The story that unfolded yesterday thought me an invaluable lesson, it helped me realise and served as another reminder (once again) that whilst other peoples actions may offend or upset me, I do have a choice about how I react or respond. I am reminded once more that I have no control over others, but I do have some say in how I react and there is a sense of relief in knowing that this person, their actions won’t be consuming my thoughts anymore because I let it go… the saddest part is knowing that the said person in question will never know how I had ever let them get to me? I mean how fucked up is that? 

We will never know what others are thinking, after all half the time we cannot make sense of our own thoughts, let alone others. So for now, (until some other fuckwit comes along, because that WILL happen, it won’t be long before someone else starts pushing my buttons) but for now I am going turn the focus from looking outside and starting focusing on the inside, because at the end of the day, what counts is ME. 

The power of taking a step back and reflection can never be underestimated, being able to take back some control of my own thoughts instead of allowing others to dictate them is the most valuable commodities we can develop for ourselves, the shit part is that it just takes a lot of practice and patience.

Love Fordy x