The therapeutic act of writing

For years after Dad’s death, I would often dream of Dad. Unfortunately, most felt more like nightmares. The most common one was that he was alive, but I could never work out how? The memories of his burial would be clear as day in my mind, stood by his grave, throwing in a single red rose, the last single act of love, onto his coffin. And yet, in my dreams, he would be alive and well (well, not all the time).

There were a few dreams when he was nothing like the Dad I remembered. He lived contently in his flat, at Norfolk Park. It would always be clean. There would be no evidence of drink, and yet I would feel a pang of overwhelming guilt for not visiting him as often as I could.  The worst were when he was in drink; these dreams would leave me feeling exhausted, he would be in total denial. He would be a happy drunk and buying everyone drinks with money he didn’t have, or he could be downright nasty.  He had a vicious tongue and would often blame me for his drinking.

I would often awake, sweating, my heart rate would be racing, and for a split second or two, I would question if he was still alive and if the previous two years had all been a dream. Some mornings it would take me some time to compose myself and reassure myself that it was just a dream.

Dad passed over 16 years ago, but he’s still very present. All I have left is a shoebox filled with some of Dads belongings.

I still have his Passport,  issued in 1998. In his photo, he appears to be sporting a shiner. He has a look of a football hooligan. In the event of an emergency, he’d put his mother’s name and contact details, which at the time was when she was residing in Hayle, Cornwall.  I have no idea who the second person is; his name isn’t familiar. All I know is that he was male and lived at an address at Walkley, in Sheffield.

I still have his rent book; there are five stubs proof of payments made.  I can tell Dads writing because apart from his signature, he almost always wrote in capital letters. I’m surprised to notice that his last payment was made on 27th January, it’s in his handwriting, three months before he passed.

I once had a Birthday card. It was signed by Dad, I’d made a point of saving it, but I cannot find it. I have no idea where it lives. I hope someday that it will magically reveal itself – but for now, I console myself in the knowledge that he’d taken the time to write me one. The act alone means a lot.

I have a copy of his death certificate. We registered his death on 22nd March 2005, two days after he passed. It states his occupation as being a Licensee. It contains my name and contact details; I am mentioned because I am his Daughter and was present at his death.

The cause of death: Officially, the cause was Pneumonia. However, if he had not already had Decompose Alcoholic Liver Disease, he would have undoubtably survived the bout of Pneumonia. A stark reminder death is more likely to occur as an indirect consequence of drinking and not the act of drinking itself.

I have a letter from the council, a receipt for his burial and the deeds for exclusive rights for his burial spot, which expires and needs renewing after 30 years. At the end of the letter, there are the contact details of bereavement services available to me. I never took them up on the offer.

I don’t own a single picture of Dad and me together. The only pictures I have are of him drinking in a pub with friends or another family.  I have a couple of photos, but none are originals, only photocopies gratefully given to me by family following his death.

I have a copy of the Sheffield Star, dated 23rd March, Page 33, under the heading Family Notices. Dad’s name stands out at the top of the page, just under the heading ‘Deaths’ surrounded by other names of people I don’t know.

I have the documents appointing me as trustee of Dads financial affairs, dated 11th October 2004. Dad signs it, but his signature is barely eligible.

I have his old tan leather wallet that contains an out of date T Mobile top-up Card and a Gas and electricity payment cards. Inside his wallet, there is a small purse. It contains a single shopping receipt from Somerfield, dated 4th December 2004. He’d purchased some Rover biscuits, two lots of Kaliber (alcohol-free lager), two cheese pastries, a pack of six Yorkshire puddings, a pack of stewing steak, a six-pack of Double Decker’s, apples and bananas. On the back of the recipe is some more ineligible writing containing numbers, which must have meant something for him at the time. The alcohol-free lager is another reminder of his attempts to stay clean. If I smell his wallet for long enough, I can almost smell him again. I can still touch something that he frequently touched, a treasured possession.

I have a pair of Dads reading glasses, and they take pride and place in my office. They still manage to make me smile. They resemble the ones that Deirdre Barlow used to wear on Coronation Street. He’d acquired them off one of the other patients whilst in hospital. I tried suggesting that he give them back, but he’d been adamant the previous owner didn’t need them anymore.  To this day, I still don’t know where they came from?

And finally, I have a shoebox full of notebooks, each containing hundreds of works, written by myself, mostly in my darkest moments. I had wanted to turn them into a book for years, like an itch that wouldn’t go away. I think I was still angry; I didn’t want Dad’s death to be in vain. I didn’t want others to fall into the same trap he did. I wanted to share my story to remind people affected by a loved one’s addiction that it is ok to feel sad and that it’s perfectly natural to feel angry, frustrated, resentful and hurt.

Our writing doesn’t always have to make sense.

Sometimes it saddens me that I don’t have more mementoes to remember Dad by, but the sadness doesn’t last long because I have something more unique, and that’s the memories. Weirdly since attempting to write this book, I haven’t suffered from any of the nasty nightmare’s, which is a testament to the power of writing. Writing for me has turned out to be a form of therapy. It is a safe space where I can process all my conscious thoughts and all the hidden subconscious feelings and emotions that no longer plague my dreams.

I am two thirds into finishing the book, which has proved a lot harder than I first anticipated. Ironically, recalling memories of Dad has been easier than recalling the memories before my addiction evolved.  But thankfully, after a lot of anger, tears, self-doubt, and support from friends, loved ones, and my peers from my writing group, I finally managed to piece together a painful past into a jigsaw puzzle I can finally understand and come to terms with.

I don’t know where today’s blog has come from, and to be honest, I’m not sure what point it is I’m trying to make. But then again, writing doesn’t always have to make sense.  All I know is after sat writing for the past two hours, I feel at peace. I feel content. Writing is more than just pretty words. The act of writing is to share a part of your soul with the world, share part of yourself with someone other than yourself.

I might not write well every day, I might not write as much as I need to reach my imposed target, but as the saying goes, ‘You can always edit a bad page, you cannot edit a blank page’ Author unknown.

Honestly if anyone had said to my younger self  ‘Tracey you’ll be a writer some day” I would have laughed and told em to “Fuck off”. You don’t have to be published to be a writer, there is much more to writing than books.

Fordy’s top tip for anyone who is feeling low or unsure of how you are feeling is to write it out?

Start with the heading “how am I feeling?” and take it from there. It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else, just as it makes sense to you, help yourself, try releasing your mental burden by writing it out.

Reyt, I’m off -and remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to receive post as soon as they are written CLICK HERE – I promise i will NEVER send you any spam, i’m not into all that shit, I just like to write!



COVID one year on


 Facebook had just asked me – What’s on your mind, so i had a think about it…


As I flicked through my memories, I realise such much has changed

Its been a long xxcking year and yet, i’m still here

Only eight years ago, Sheffield was covered in snow

The year before I was stuffing my face at the Bay of Bengal

Four years ago, I’d challenged myself to a full day of No SWEARING

But it didn’t last long and by the end of the day I’d past xxcking caring

The year after that, I was complaining of being fat!


On this day a year ago COVID was all over the news

I was heading into work only to be sent back home

It’s now 2021

Where the xxck has the last year gone?


I could never have predicted what the future had in store

In the early days I felt restricted and conflicted

At first it was strange, being forced to change

Isolated from family and friends

But it was a means to an end


We all needed to do our part, even though at times it broke my heart

We were all in a global pandemic, where nobody could hide

And in the blink of an eye another year has passed by

Each lockdown has been hard

I found myself having to dig deeper inside


Often the fear of the unknown left me feeling isolated and alone

I would allow myself to wallow for a while consumed with self-pity

But it just wasn’t me AND it certainly wasn’t xxcking pretty

I had to have regular words wi me sen

And reasoned that Instead of moping, I needed to find some better ways of coping


I used my time wisely to focus on shit I’d been neglecting to make time for reconnecting

I started by staying away from the TV, which gave me more time to focus on me

I’d take long walks alone to contemplate life – a perfect opportunity to switch off from all the xxxxing strife


I picked up my pen and started to write, each new word offered up a new insight

I learned to accept that whilst change can make us feel vulnerable, that change is also inevitable.

This year I have been constantly reminded, that we have two choices in life

We can either bury our heads in the sand or we can make a stand


I chose the latter, to take the rough with the smooth

I mean I’ve got xxck all else to do or to lose

For me COVID has been another stark reminder

None of us knows what’s around the corner


I hope that one year from now

I’ll have figured life out, some way, somehow

But just for today

I will focus on the here and now


Love Tracey

Connecting the Dots: Everything happens for a reason.

Today is a particularly poignant day. It is precisely 16 years since Dad took his last breath. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. Me and my sister found him on the living room floor in his flat, and despite looking like shit, he was in a positive mood. He reached out his hand, asking, “Help me up, I’m going for a pint”. Little did we know that morning that they would be some of his last words and that he only had hours left to live.

Memories of his slow, painful death still haunt me, but the special memories we shared during this sad time have also inspired me to write. Steve Jobs famously said, “You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking back”, he also goes on to say that “You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. That you have to trust in something—your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever”.

I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason, this belief has come from the lessons I have learned from connecting the dots from my past. For example

Had it not been for losing my insanity, I would never have found my reality

Had it not been for the time spent in Middlewood Hospital, I would have never learned or understood about mental health, as I do now.

Had it not been for the CPN (community psychiatric nurse), I would never have had the courage nor inclination to go back to education.

Had I not gone to college, I would never meet the teacher who encouraged me to pursue a counselling course.

Had I not done the counselling course, I would have never met the Manager from a day rehabilitation program, who offered me a volunteering job.

Had it not been working in a recovery environment; I would never have understood addiction as I do now.

Had it not been for my addiction, I would never have understood shame and how to break free from it.

Had it not been for my recovery and the things I learned about myself, I would have found it impossible to support Dad during his alcoholism.

Had it not been for Dad’s demands, I would have never turned to journaling to offload my anger and hurt.

Had it not been for Dad, I wouldn’t be writing this today

Had I not been sat waiting to be interviewed by Roni Robinson, I wouldn’t have met the previous guest on his show, writer, Beverly Ward and asked for her business card.

Had it not been for Beverly Ward, I would never have dreamed I’d be signing up for a writing retreat.

A lot of the above didn’t make sense at the time, but I now realise that they all happened for a reason. Only this week, a memory appeared on my Facebook, taking me back to when I was packing to go away on my first ever writing retreat. I remember before heading off, our old man joking, ‘Thal be coming back wearing crocks and be a born-again vegan’. None of that happened, but something did change in me during that weekend away.

It was around the same time; the news was dominated by a deadly virus and government plans for a lockdown. Just being away from all the bullshit and negativity and being around other writers afforded me space and time to seriously consider whether or not I had a book in me. One year on, and now I’m 75,000-words in, but it hasn’t always been plain sailing.

I recently suffered from writer’s block; in fact, I came to a full fucking stop! I’d gotten to a point in my life where events became blurry, and I found myself struggling to connect the dots. I panicked. I freaked out. I even questioned if the memories I had, were even true, did they even happen! I even contemplated throwing the towel in, how I could continue writing if I couldn’t remember the story. I was afraid that I would be cheating the readers out of part of the story, but the truth was scared, and I felt cheated myself, not recalling events.

Some people have said to me ..

‘Why put yourself through it?’

My response is always…

‘Life is sometimes shit! And it is ok to feel shit and it doesn’t last long’

I know that from personal experience, it will pass. It always does, and after a week of tormented thoughts and sleepless nights. Guess what? It did!

And I finally broke through the writer’s block.

I don’t usually advocate dwelling or living in the past. It’s in the past for a reason. But I do see the value in popping back every so often to remind yourself just how far you have come.  Nowadays, I don’t look back and feel ashamed. I can look back and feel grateful for everything in my past, especially the darkest periods.

I couldn’t save Dad from his alcoholism, but hopefully, I can help others in his memory, and I can make sure that his premature death wasn’t in vain. I’m not sure where this is all going, but as Steve says, ‘I just have to trust that the dots will somehow connect.’

Ps . If tha needs inspiring you can check out the rest of Steve Jobs  had to say clicking  here

Rest in Peace, Dad and thank you. Thank you for everything, including the Good the Bad and the Ugly, all my love Tracey x

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to receive post as soon as they are written CLICK HERE – I promise i will NEVER send you any spam, i’m not into all that shit, i just like to write!

Writing it out

There have been some days over the past year; I have had to have some serious Words Wi Me Sen to adjust with this shit show called COVID. Confined to home working, being isolated from the usual office/social chat and banter has been replaced with more time to think or, should I say, overthink.

I have found myself absorbing my thoughts rather than being an observer of them and missed not being able to just being able to talk them out with a colleague or a close friend. Ya know all those simple interactions that we all took for granted.

I’ve had to quickly develop some new coping strategies, to help me bounce instead of breaking. So, I thought I would share em with ya.

My struggles with anxiety and self esteem started when I was much younger, I had never considered that I might have suffered from anxiety or that at times I might be depressed. And why would I? shit like that wasn’t talked about then. Some days I felt I might suffocate, I had a voice, but I was too afraid to use it, mainly out of fear of being judged or, even worse, misunderstood. This was further compounded because I could never find the words to articulate my feelings. It was just easier to keep shtum. ‘Put up and shut up’, as the saying goes.

I naively assumed that as I got older, I would grow out of it or might be able to figure out all the shit in my head and that I’d find the words to articulate how it felt, but I was wrong. I used to believe in fairy tales about finding my prince charming, getting a job, having kids, settling down, and living happily ever after. I’ve since figured out that Fairy tales are bullshit, just a tactic, a distraction method used by parents to try to protect their kids from the darker side of being an adult. Which is Fucking hard.

Over the years, with the support from others and a lot of reading and reflection, I have learned to sit with uncomfortable feelings, thoughts, and emotions and trust the future even when it feels uncertain. But I have also learned that I can do something with them too.  I’ve tried different coping strategies over the years, many have served me well, and I’ve learned a lot about myself because of them, but one of the best coping strategies I stumbled upon has been writing.

What innocently started out as a simple journal turned out to be a revelation for me. Writing has become my go-to coping strategy, especially since COVID. It’s an opportunity to reflect. It’s my safe place, where I can share my innermost thoughts, fears and feelings without being judged by the outside world. It took me ages before I shared any of my writing publicly, afraid of the grammar police. Afraid that they would find fault in how I wrote instead of what I was saying – Nowadays, I give less fucks about what the grammar police might have to say…

Learning to Bounce Instead of Breaking – Whenever I’m feeling bad about something or feeling low, I take notice, this is important, I have learned that how I feel about myself has a direct impact on my decision making and my attitude.  Nancy Kline, a hero of mine, says, “The quality of everything we do depends on the quality of the thinking we do first’.  So if i am feeling shit I’ll take myself to one side or go for a walk and #Haveawordwimesen away from social media away from all the bullshit and  if that doesn’t work, I will put pen to paper, or turn to the keyboard.

It’s like having my day in Court, call it the Court of Compassion. Sat alone its  like my moment of reckoning, like my very own courtroom, only there isn’t anyone else present, there are no jurors, just me and the computer. Usually, my crimes are worrying about others, things I cannot change, self-criticism or negative self-talk.

In that moment, I am both the Prosecutor and Defence; the Judge is my conscience and intuition.

The Prosecutor always goes first, presenting/pouring out all the negative feelings and thoughts, including evidence to back them up. This part is harsh, but at the same time, it is cathartic, and most of the time, the evidence that is presented are just old limiting beliefs like

• I’m not good enough?
• I can’t do this.
• I don’t know what I’m doing.
• What if I fail?
• What do others think of me?

Trust me, this is NOT an exhaustive list, and it can go on and on

When the Prosecutor has finished, then it’s time for my Defence, who will go through each alleged crime and argue/question if they are old inherited, thoughts and beliefs from my past. She will challenge the Prosecutor and highlight any mitigating circumstances in response to my crimes which might include

• You are good enoughYou are not alone. Everyone’s lives have been turned upside down, and they are feeling the same.
• But you are doing thisand you continue despite all the uncertainly around work.
• Of course, you don’t know what you are doing.-We are all winging it. This is unchartered territory, working from home away from your usual support network.
• So, what if you fail?So, what if you do? You’ve failed before, and you never let a bit of failure stop you before?
• Does it matter what others think of you? Those that know you love you; they are the only one who counts isn’t, including what you think of yourself?

My Judge, my conscience, she is my intuition and sits quietly, taking in all the arguments made before preparing a sentence.

(NOTE) Years before, I had a fucking harsh judge. She was a bitch, and more often than not, the outcome was always guilty. She would have condemned me to a life locked in shame and condemn me to a life of self-sabotage before throwing away the keys. But nowadays, my Judge is a little more compassionate. She understands me, accepts my flaws and always takes these into account before handing down my sentence. In her summoning up, she always reminds me of how far I have come and that everyone has flaws and that nobody is perfect, and that it’s ok not to be ok.

She will often give me probation with conditions to be kinder to myself, to take the time to do the things that make me happy or to undertake an inventory, a gratitude list which helps remind me of all the things I have got in my life, like family and loved ones.

Sometimes this works for a while, there are times when I might breach my probation conditions and find my ass back in court—Having the very same #Havingawordwimesen over again. But I’m ok with that. I came to the realisation years ago that in life, shit happens, life is full of highs and lows, it’s how you deal with it that matters It also helps that I have got a more compassionate Judge who is now on my side.

Sometimes, when I re-read what I’ve written about myself, it’s like reading someone else’s words, and I can’t believe how harsh I had been toward myself.

If you are struggling during these insane times try writing it out, create some space and time to hold your compassion court and see if it works for you.

I have found a couple of GREAT writing exercises for you to try. They are from a lady called Kristin Neff an expert on self-compassion

Exploring self-compassion through writing 

Changing your critical self-talk 

Self-Compassion Journal


I dread to think how many words I have written over the past few years; Christ it must be a fucking lot cos I’ve gone through two keyboards after wearing the letters out, but one thing I do know is, every single word was worth it…


Remember you might not always write well every day, but you can always edit a bad page, you can’t edit a blank page…


Try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to receive post as soon as they are written CLICK HERE – I promise i will NEVER send you any spam, i’m not into all that shit, i just like to write!

Love Fordy





Hormones and the cycle of change – Part of a woman’s recovery that’s rarely talked about

Most people in recovery have heard Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change, but what about the monthly cycle. I have spoken to many women whose periods stopped during their using but came back with a vengeance when they started their recovery journey. “I mean as if us women don’t have enough emotional shit to deal with.”

Let me take you back to before the drugs – My periods and mood swings have plagued me for years and had gotten notably worse after having kids, but I’d learned to live with them. My emotions and body could fluctuate like a frigging swinging pendulum. One minute I could be calm, collective, rational and feel great. I’m in a mental place where I am happy to accept my body, stretchmarks, and all the wobbly bits. The next minute, I could be an emotional wreck, I would mentally tear strips of myself. The self-hatred and self-loathing thoughts were made worse with the fluctuating weight gain, which left me feeling like a fat fucking Umper Lumper.


A plus sides of using – is that I didn’t suffer any of the emotional crap that came with the dreaded monthly cycle, let alone everything else that was going off for me. Using had become my coping strategy. It helped to numb my feelings. I was a hollow shell. I didn’t care about myself, let alone anyone else – well, that’s what I’d told myself. I now realise that behind the face of every addict, is in fact, someone who cares deeply but doesn’t know how to cope with their feelings.


A downside of recovery – There was one particular day. I remember the day well like it was yesterday.


I was in the psychiatric unit and into the second day into withdrawing from amphet when I came on my period. All was going well; I felt the usual sense of physical relief enveloped me like it had every month for the past few years. I felt that good. I even wondered if the doctors might have misdiagnosed me and wondered if I had been suffering from a “VERY BAD time of the month” instead of drug-induced psychosis!


Earlier that day, I’d been on the phone with my ex earlier and asked him to send some Tampax with mum when she visited later that day. I’d been frustrated during the call because all he was concerned about was when I was coming home. I vividly remember reminding him, and he “promised” not to forget before replacing the phone.


I was in a good place, much to the relief of Mum when she arrived. (the poor cow was still coming to terms that she had to visit her daughter in a psychiatric unit) So, when I asked after the Tampax and realised he’d forgotten, I totally lost my shit.


And I mean, I literally lost my shit…


I was kicking chairs in the canteen area and was about to throw one of them before a staff member came to try and calm me down. The emotions were overwhelming. I was shaking with rage; I couldn’t control myself; it took me ages to try and calm down. The staff suggested Mum should leave. I could tell she was shocked, scared and worried. I couldn’t blame her; I mean, who reacts like that over a Tampax!


“Me that’s who”


Looking back, I now realise that it wasn’t the Tampax, but that at that time, the last thing I needed to deal with was my hormones. My head was already fucked from withdrawing from the drugs, my life was a mess, and I was already emotionally raw.


It’s been years since that incident happened, yet I still remember it like it was yesterday. I have worked in the recovery field for over 25+ years. In all that time, I have hardily heard a professional have conversations that took into account women’s hormones, especially in recovery.


Emerging research suggests that some hormones may enhance the likelihood that some people will become addicted to a substance or behaviour or will struggle more with addiction in general. In particular, the hormones a woman produces during her menstrual cycle may make women more vulnerable to addiction and relapse than men. – That’s not an excuse to use every month, by the way…


Over the years, as well as having to deal with all the cause and effect of my using, I have had to learn to understand and come to terms and try managing ‘That time of the month’, and it has not been easy. I am not ashamed to say that I have to take Prozac, I have done for years to help manage my symptoms. I just wish more people talked about periods, peri-menopause/menopause, hence why I am sharing this. 

There is an old saying in the recovery community.

‘The best thing about recovery is you get your feelings back, and the worst thing about recovery is you get your feelings back.’

So, to all you women out there, who are smashing recovery, please remember that as well as being kind to yourself every day be, extra kind to yourself especially at “that time of the month

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to receive post as soon as they are written CLICK HERE – I promise i will NEVER send you any spam, i’m not into all that shit, i just like to write!

Love Fordy





If life was a cake, what would you be?

On the inside I would be made up of colourful layers, laced with buttercream and covered in marzipan and a royal icing layer.


We aren’t born anxious, scared or consumed with self-doubt, this is learned behaviour, reactions to past traumatic events.  The ingredients in my cake contain acts, and scenarios that have festered in my psyche and accumulated over time. 


If life was a cake, I could divide my life into slices, some parts have been delicious  and I have savoured them whereas others slices have made me sick and emotionally, mentally unwell.


My childhood, for instance, I mean I didn’t have a bad childhood; fuck me, I know people out there that have had far worst. But there were things in my childhood that happened, or that I witnessed that impacted how I coped and reacted in social situations. Sometimes my behaviour was out of control, family, friends, saw me as being unruly. I could be aggressive and used my fist and words to push people away. At times, my attitude stank, which was often  put down to being a hormonal teenager or simply not caring. – which wasn’t the case, in fact far from it. At the time; I was quite simply unable to recognise how I was thinking or feeling, let alone process them. – I was confused as fuck


Unhappy, Unhealthy Relationship. –within months of leaving school, I fell into a relationship I wasn’t emotionally ready or prepared for, and I certainly wasn’t emotionally/mentally prepared for being a mother. I knew the difference between a healthy, loving relationship and an unhealthy one. I’d fallen into the trap thinking that I had been lucky, that I had found my healthy. But I was wrong, it was a one-way relationship, its foundations based on coercion and control and when the cracks started to show, it was too late, and I couldn’t find a way out. That is until I found drugs.


My recovery was mainly about discovering myself – It was time to get honest, but it wasn’t always easy. Trying to  work through past events and emotions, sometimes felt like I was in the middle of one fucked up jigsaw puzzle. But I was lucky to have people around me help search for some of the missing pieces which helped me put myself back together again. I learned to tame the anger, understand the hurt and process it differently which gave me a whole new perspective, outlook on life, I talk about it here 


Losing my father to addiction – I worked in the addiction field, which looking back made it more challenging at times, especially when I was surrounded by people who were doing well in their recovery. I often wondered what I must be doing wrong. I can still have flashbacks, which take me back to a time when I felt powerless. To a time where I naively thought that because I had found myself, I though i could help my Dad do the same. But alcohol won. It still hurts now to this day, when I hear about someone, I knew who died due to their addiction. Even worse, I feel for the families, the ones left behind. – This is where the passion to write a book about it comes from


Trauma doesn’t have to be physical; there are so many different trauma layers; sometimes, we don’t know how to recognise them.


Our past can still haunt us, but it doesn’t have to continue hurting us.


So try practicing some compassionate refection

By undertaking some compassionate reflection, I have come to understand and more importantly accept that more often than not, how I’m feeling or reacting, is just an enactment of something that happened in the past. Talking helps, finding your tribe, people who have been in similar situations. I am in a better place to understand that whilst the past can still haunt us, but it doesn’t have to continue hurting us. – my writing helps me with this.


Try not to spend too much time in the past. I know! I know, I have been harping on about the past, but seriously make some time for the future, for the unknown. Take all those lessons you have learned from your past to help you navigate yourself through your future. Learn a new subject, read a new book. Go walking, take new routes, venture places you would never consider before.


Spend more time in the present – Feast on the here and now and

try practising some mindfulness, or as I like to refer to it as #Haveawordwitheesen. What are you doing today? Write a list of all the things to do and DO em!  When was the last time you did something YOU enjoyed? Feeling low, Bang on some music to lift you up.


Make some new friends.

We might be in the middle of a pandemic, but there is still the internet, there loads of amazing people out there who can help inspire you. There are now more than even online support groups and free training. Try sometime new, be open to meeting new people. You might never know how that one person could change your life’s direction. – Just stay away from the shitty news and social media


But most important of all – BE YOU

Remind yourself daily that there is nothing wrong with you and that you are still working/figuring yourself out, so give yourself a fucking break OR better still go bake a cake! 


Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to receive post as soon as they are written CLICK HERE – I promise i will NEVER send you any spam, i’m not into all that shit, i just like to write!

 Oh, and If you liked this post please share it on social media and with friends – and if you didn’t like it then do nothing that’s ok too

Much Love 

Fordy x

Letting go of Anger…

Haruki Murakami was quoted as saying that “once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive…But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in”

This quote resonates with me, but what Haruki doesn’t mention or talk about is some of us walking out of the storm are still a little battered and still piss wet through and that we still need time to dry out. For some of us, there will be feelings and emotions during the storm that have left memories. Some still painful, unresolved that we haven’t had a chance to put then to bed and finally allow then to lay to rest.

I wish I could walk away from some of my storms without knowing or questioning how I made it through or how I managed to survive, but I can’t.

One of the best things for me that has come out of my addiction experience has been the recovery process. I have enjoyed the discovery of recovery, learning new things about myself. Understanding where my triggers and cravings came from, which was usually driven by an unmet emotional need. The best and most challenging parts have been learning to love me and accept my flaws, which has helped me draw a line in the past and carve a future path.

Writing has really helped with this process, being able to extract and dump all my thoughts onto paper has become a coping strategy. And up until recently, writing the book has been cathartic. So much so, I no longer suffer the torturous nightmares I used to have about Dad since I started writing the book.

But I hit a wall, writer’s block they call it. I fell out of love with writing, I found it hard to find the right words or articulate how I was feeling, I tried to write, but it wouldn’t come. At first, I put it down to hormones, COVID, being stuck in a rut, too much time spent alone, working from home, overthinking, I thought I was going fucking mad. But after a lot and I mean ‘A lot’ of soul searching, I realised it wasn’t any of these. You see I was stuck at a particular chapter, a part of my past, something I thought I had dealt with, put to bed, but then I realised that there was a wound that it hadn’t yet healed properly.

Now I have dealt with many emotions over the years, sadness, worthlessness, loneliness, shame, guilt you name it, the list goes on. I will spare you the specific details about the chapter as the details don’t really matter. What matters more was understanding why it still hurt so much.

I’m generally not a romancer I am a pragmatist at heart. Still, this memory had me romancing memories, stolen memories laced with regrets. For the past week, my days have been consumed recreating memories. Memories that I had missed out on because I was too wrapped up in meeting another man’s needs and demands. But this time something was different and after a lot of soul searching and patience, I finally realised what it was, it hit me, it was ANGER.

It took me totally unaware; I hadn’t realised just how angry I had been, I’d been blinded by it. I felt angry at myself, foolish even that I allowed myself to be manipulated, used, and no amount of self-compassion seemed to help. For some reason, I just couldn’t let it go.

I hated feeling this way, continually feeling unsettled, unsure about myself. Usually, an optimist I found myself being pessimistic about everything. I felt physically lethargic, I could feel myself withdrawing, and I needed to find a way out and quick, the only problem was I didn’t know-how.

But then the penny dropped – I needed to let go of the anger.

This revelation came to me at my weekly Monday Morning Writers group. I love this group, but that morning on the 1st Feb 2021 had been the first time since I joined that I didn’t want to be there, I had nothing to say, I hadn’t made any progress. I was stuck.

As usual, I was greeted by familiar faces, people I have grown to trust. I tried to be positive and my usual upbeat self, but instead I withdrew after saying my usual “hello’s”. I muted myself waiting for the session to start.

January had been a tough month for everyone for many reasons, so our writing prompt was to think about all the potential positives that February could bring. I took pen to paper, nothing came, looked up, and sat busy writing, they seem to have a lot to say, but I was stuck. Trying not to overthink I let my words flow…

I don’t want to think,

I don’t want to write.

I just want to board a plane and jump on the next flight.

I feel like I’m on the brink.

Life fucking stinks

Nowhere to run

Life’s stopped being fun.

I need to have a word.

Gi me head a wobble

I know thinking this way will only get me into trouble.

I need to find a way to pop this fucking self-pity bubble.

Fuck it I don’t know how!

It was time to feedback – At first, I was reluctant to share, everyone else’s seemed so positive and upbeat, and I didn’t want to bring the mood down, but I had to be honest.

‘I’m sorry folks I’m feeling like a Mardy Bastard today, and I’m not sure if I want to share.’

After a little encouragement, I shared what I’d written, I felt compelled to share the root of my anger, I continued to share the part of the story that was causing so much pain. I stopped sharing conscious I was taking too much time of the group, mindful that others hadn’t shared yet. Bev spoke first

‘It’s bound to be hard to write parts of this book because you’re taking yourself back to difficult places. You need to look after yourself while you’re writing it.’

‘You don’t have to be positive all the time,’ said another member of the group. ‘Thanks for being vulnerable.’

‘You have to remind yourself, as well as writing this book you have an emotionally demanding job too’ said someone else.

‘What might help here?’ asked Bev.

It didn’t take me long to respond ‘Well, for starters a baseball bat (to his head) might help or a small dose of COVID?’ I laughed, but deep down I meant i

‘No seriously, joking aside, I know I need to just let this anger go, I know I can’t change it, I know this’ – Just whilst as I said those words, I could feel a weight lift from my shoulders, but also in my heart.

DA Scottish guy who always makes me smile, laughed warmly ‘Tracey, we all struggle at some point and let’s face it, you aren’t writing a fictional story, this is real life’. And I knew he was right!

You see, I preach on about practising self-compassion and yet for the past week I hadn’t done any on myself. In fact, all I had done is berate myself. For the past week, I had allowed myself to live in the past. Worst still I hadn’t even really shared with anyone how I’d been feeling, let alone thinking. Well, not until that morning. It was no fucking wonder I felt like I was going to self-combust.

The session ended, and I was so happy that I’d made the decision to go along, despite my initial misgivings. And after a day of work-related meetings, I headed out for my evening walk or should I say stomp! As I gathered speed, instead of taking my usual turning up Birley Lane, I continued walking, heading for the narrow path on White Lane towards Ford. I turned on the torch on my phone to help navigate the narrow and uneven path, the roads were quieter than usual, and I was grateful for that. Every so often I stopped and took in the sky, every time I stopped, the clouds’ sequence seemed to have changed and the colours too. The further I walked the lighter I felt. with each step I was mentally letting go of a part of my past was just that ‘The past’. When I got back home, I went straight back to my room and revisited the words I’d written that morning and turned it into something else

I cried today 

But that’s ok

You see, my past caught me out.

I thought I’d moved on.

Always assuming I was strong.

Turns out I was wrong

I went back in time when I felt vulnerable and weak.

Back to a place when life seemed so dark and bleak

could choose to not revisit the past.

could leave it where it belongs.

But something inside me needs to rewrite all the wrongs.

A need to make sense of a past

For me to clear a way forward

But I’m working out this isn’t always fucking straightforward.

I know thinking this way will get me into trouble.

So, every so often I have to give me head a wobble and pop the self-pity bubble.

I know deep down that once I’ve drawn that line in the past.

I will be able to stay in the present, which feels a lot more fucking pleasant.

I’m learning that to continue

I need to practice some more self-compassion

Something that of late feels like it’s gone out of fashion

It was time to have a word wi me sen.

So, I gave me sen a big mental cuddle.

Told me sen that I’ll be alright

And reminded me sen of others who are going through worst plights.

I have just strayed off course.

And on reflection, life could be worse.

I’ve come so far and I ain’t going back.

Just for today, I made a promise to give me sen some slack.

I took some time out.

I had a word wi me sen

And finally found some of me lost yen

I’ve learned a valuable lesson this week, and that’s “Whilst our past can haunt us, they don’t have to continue to hurt us” That is only if we let them. Me writing and sharing this the final part of me letting go and leaving the past in the past, where it fucking belongs –

A special thanks to my Daughters, Danielle and Lauren and to all the guys in the Monday Morning Motivation Writing group.

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to and sign up for emails.

 Oh, and If you liked this post please share it on social media and with friends – and if you didn’t like it then do nothing that’s ok too

Much Love 

Fordy x

What was your Shirley Moment?

I watched Shirley valentine over Christmas; it was a welcome distraction from the boredom that comes in between Christmas Day and New Year, I laughed at her talking to the wall because I realised that used to me!

I’ve always questioned everything; even as a kid, although I rarely voiced any of it because it got me into trouble when I did it. Unlike Shirley, I didn’t talk to the wall. Instead, I would swallow them, many of them unanswered to the back of my mind. Brought up in a working-class family on an estate called Gleadless Valley, the main priority for my mum and stepdad at that time was ensuring that there was food on the table whilst my Dad was preoccupied with chasing skirt or drinking with his mates. I had many unanswered questions. 

I’d hated being a kid for years, back then life was unfair. I craved for adulthood so that I could reach the age to demand answers to all my questions. And yet when it came, I realised I wasn’t ready for it, and still the answers never came. 

Aged sixteen and pregnant, and unlike my other friends who at the time were figuring out who they were, partying and carving a career out for themselves, where as my life had already been mapped out. God did I envy their freedom.

Like Shirley, in the film there were many a day I would privately reminisce about my childhood days and wonder where I went wrong, I felt insignificant, I had nothing to offer, and yet deep down I knew that there was more to life. The only shit part was I could never work out what it was and more importantly, how to find it. There was always something missing, and then I found drugs.

I got to the point when I had stopped questioning, sick of waiting for the wall to answer back, I reckon! So instead, I’d dutifully conformed and started to play along with the charade commonly know as life. It wasn’t until I found myself sat in a hospital ward in Middlewood hospital a few years later. Admitted with drug induced psychosis that I realised that I was well and truly fucked. I would potter around the ward and listen to other patient’s stories, many had given up, but I wasn’t ready to give up, not yet.

It’s fair to say I did a hell of a lot of thinking in Middlewood, fuck me there wasn’t much else to do!  

I shared and offloaded my thoughts and feelings with the staff. I realised how much I had been bottling up and that had been the first time I had acknowledged my thoughts and feelings, let alone deal with them.

For years I’d expected everyone else to be able to answer all my questions for me, but soon realised that most of the questions could only be answered by myself. But first, I needed to listen to what was being asked? and instead of questioning my thoughts and feelings, I learned to sit with them, listen, really listen, and have a #properwordwimesen Questions like

Why doesn’t anyone love me? turned into “Why don’t you love yourself?Or “Why do people treat me like shit?” – turned into “Why do you let people treat you like shit?” or the most frequently asked question was “There has got to be more to life” turned into “What do YOU want from life?” and I realised there and then,  I had never really asked myself before.

Since leaving Middlewood, life hasn’t been easy, and I continue and still make mistakes, the difference this time though is  I will question the mistakes and examine the role “I” played in the mistakes instead of blaming everyone else.

I still have days when life gets in the way, when it gets on top, I feel disillusioned, scared but have have worked out that when this happens it’s generally because I have allowed life, the news, social media distract me from myself. So when this happens, I make some time and take some responsibility to #Haveawordwimesen

Often I find going for a walk, reading a good book or offloading my thoughts down in a journal helps me give me head a wobble. Doing this alone helps remind me to save some of the compassion I fine myself freely giving to others, to saving some back for myself. Sometimes I even go back to the fundamental questions I asked myself years ago in Middlewood Hospital.

“There’s got to be more to life.” 

Another thing that has helped over the years has been surrounding myself with people who have faith in me, especially when I had little in myself. Over the years, I have learned that I choose who I allow in my life and can now tell the difference between those who support me instead of exploiting me.

Find your tribe –the people who are on the same page as you. And remember that if it turns out that they are not on the same page, you can always end the chapter or start a new fucking book.

Learning to, listen to trust and have faith in yourself isn’t always easy, but it is achievable if you put in the effort. Working on yourself isn’t like a regular nine to five job, it’s a full time one. And listen its ok to have a break once in a while or to have a “fuck it moment!” but remember you can always go back to the basics and remember all the answers you need are in you.

I still don’t know if Shirley ever stayed in Greece or returned to the UK. I suppose it doesn’t matter, what matters is that after years of feeling lost, she finally found herself and realised she was worth more. Ps, if you haven’t seen Shirley Valentine before or haven’t watched it for a while, I recommend you do.

The End

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to and sign up for emails.

 Oh, and If you liked this post please share it on social media and with friends – and if you didn’t like it then do nothing that’s ok too

Much Love 

Fordy x

A Christmas Recovery Tale

This recovery journey started on 3rd of December 2015 when I received a private message via Facebook…

“Hi Tracey, its Adam Holmes, hope u don’t mind me massaging I just had my interview at Arc house yesterday been accepted just waiting to do my methadone detox on Burbidge I’ve been four weeks on Saturday off illicit drugs so I’m buzzing with that hope ur good take care, adam x”

I was well chuffed to hear from him I knew Adam way back in the day, 20 years when I was his first Keyworker at a day rehabilitation centre Kickstart. Since then, I have followed his journey, including the highs and lows, including being street homeless and spells in prison. This time though there was something different, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, it was still and still is one of my favourite and most inspiring recovery stories.

I’d spoken to him on the phone, and he was both excited and anxious about recovery worrying about whether or not he’d fail again, but I tried to remind him of all the times he’s succeeded too. At the time, Adam had been posting and updating his progress on Facebook before going into rehab. I still recall reading his daily post and was so inspired that I’d decided to collect them all and give it to him once he’d completed rehab to remind him of how far he’s come. Today, five years later, the original post popped up on my timeline. I’d mentioned it to Adam, who had since changed his Facebook profile, so I have pulled it together again, not just for him, but also for anyone else who it might help.

1st December

  • I’m in town later to pick my train tickets up later on to go Scarborough tomorrow at Arc House anyone wanna meet for a coffee or something to eat my appetite is back with a vengeance lol. it I’ll be wanting to lose my belly wen get too much weight on hahaha
  • Just been reading my just for today n the last bit so right, just for today I will keep my priorities in order, number one on the list is my recovery

2nd December

  • Just got on my train guys I missed one that was going straight through to Scarborough but I’m on my way now gonna av a good day nothing can put me on a downer today got my literature so a good read
  • I’m buzzing, just been to arc house they’re gonna get in touch with my social worker and offer me a place so just waiting to get into hospital now and to rehome mollie my dog bless her

4th December

  • Just been in cathedral said prayer n sat down for 10 min gives me some peace to my mind n soul

5th December

  • Morning everyone how’s everybody today our mollie is going crazy playing lol shopping day today I hate today payday. Oh, and I can’t forget it’s four weeks today clean off illicit drug buzzzzzzinnnnnn naturally

6th December

  • Just not long been out of bath had a rite soak n let all the stresses just float away smile I’m on ball today first time in years.
  • First day in along long time I’ve forgotten to take my meds wow
  • Just got back home from town I’ve never seen it as quiet nipped into cathedral and said a prayer to keep me safe and clean just for today it’s so peaceful in there give u time to think as well away from the madness lol
  • Bed for me guys see ya all Tuesday peace n love to you all and needed tonight’s meeting got some good old honesty it woz raw but needed it thanks for support

7th December

  • Morning everybody how’s people today I soo can’t wait till tomorrow’s meeting I can’t miss any till I go treatment not long now whoop whoooooop lol

11th December

  • Is chilling avin a coffee listening to some pink floyd before meeting it’s all good stuff

12th December

  • Just got to Addaction loads early n soaked through lol
  • Goodnight all and thanks for a great meeting see u all tomorrow smile emoticon peace n love

13th December

Thanks everyone for an awesome meeting always enjoy the fellowship some great friends love n peace, Adam

14th December

  • Just started my step one didn’t know I cud write that quickly without thinking about it powerful stuff step 1 hope to c u all tomorrow nite nite all early one for me
  • Soooooo bored today can’t wait for meeting tomorrow

15th December

  • Morning everyone just on way to see my social worker for last time before I go in Burbidge on Monday can’t wait n also cut my meds down again today, I’ve never been more ready as I am now
  • Awesome meeting tonight I’ve never seen it as busy roll on tomorrow but for now nitey nite everyone sleep well

16th December

  • Complacency is the enemy of members with substantial clean time. If we remain complacent for long, the recovery process ceases.” Basic Text p. 80 Recognising complacency in our recovery is like seeing smoke in a room. The “smoke” thickens when our meeting attendance drops, contact with newcomers decreases, or relations with our sponsor aren’t maintained. With continued complacency; we won’t be able to see through the smoke to find our way out. Only our immediate response will prevent an inferno. We must learn to recognize the smoke of complacency. In NA, we have all the help we need to do that. We need to spend time with other recovering addicts because they may detect our complacency before we do. Newcomers will remind us of how painful active addiction can be. Our sponsor will help us remain focused, and recovery literature kept in easy reach can be used to extinguish the small flare-ups that happen from time to time. Regular participation in our recovery will surely enable us to see that wisp of smoke long before it becomes a major inferno. Just for today: I will participate in the full range of my recovery; my commitment to NA is just as strong today as it was in the beginning of my recovery.

17th December

  • Had a great meeting n brought quite a bit to share but I really needed it off to bed after my coffee getting rite nervous n everything else for Monday. But I can’t wait just to get there
  • In library working on my step one I needed the peace n quiet to concentrate it’s proper head mashing but issues I need to work through just done question three wow about been obsessed with something believe I’m like a cd stuck on repeat n play lol
  • Everything that occurs in the course of NA service must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.” Basic Text p. xvi Our motives are often a surprise to us. In our early days of recovery, they were almost always a surprise! We’ve learned to check our motives through prayer, meditation, the steps, and talking to our sponsor or other addicts. When we find ourselves with an especially strong urge to do or have something, it’s particularly important to check our motives to find out what we really want. In early recovery, many of us throw ourselves into service with great fervor before we have started the regular practice of motive-checking. It takes a while before we become aware of the real reasons for our zeal. We may want to impress others, show off our talents, or be recognized and important. Now, these desires may not be harmful in another setting, expressed through another outlet. In NA service, however, they can do serious damage. When we decide to serve NA, we make a decision to help addicts find and maintain recovery. We have to carefully check our motives in service, remembering that it’s much easier to frighten away using addicts than to convince them to stay. When we show them game-playing, manipulation, or pomposity, we present an unattractive picture of recovery; however, the unselfish desire to serve others creates an atmosphere that is attractive to the addict who still suffers. Just for today: I will check my motives for the true spirit of service.

18th December

  • Good morning everyone wot a brilliant day to be clean still shocked the fact it’s first one since I was 14 can’t believe it wow lol
  • Just read just for today I love it “just for today I will share my recovery in an N.A meeting”
  • I think that’s brilliant to share your journey with other addicts n friends just to be able to throw everything out ya mouth n leave it in that room
  • Thanks to everyone for all the birthday wishes I’ve never been as popular in one day hahahaha

19th December

  • Anyone want to meet in town for a coffee my dog is going in foster today not an happy chappy but I know I’ve got to, get myself better but doesn’t mean to say it’s done my head in n been paid today
  • Just bought myself my birthday present buzzing blue addidas bottoms n blue trainers I love buying clothes wouldn’t of dreamt of it two month ago lol
  • Thought meeting woz at 7:30 just been told it 5:30 so I’m walking like a nutter on a mission lol

20th December

  • Well, that’s my bags packed n done just waiting for our mollie to go into foster care
  • I best set a reminder to turn my electric off in morning or wen I’m back in six months I’ll av a rite electric bill lol
  • Took my last bottle of medication today – my journey begins

21st December

  • Morning everyone I’m ready to go Burbidge just waiting on foster carer to ring for mollie now just took her out for last walk.
  • Mollie just gone never thought it cud hurt so much wow
  • I wanted to get to hospital early but come on a hour n three quarters early wow eager beaver lol that’s how much I can’t wait to get in there
  • I’ve never eaten so much pie chips n peas n had seconds now I’m on my pudding I’m gonna come out of ere a rite pie muncher lol its all good
  • They just done my medical on ward wen they wired me up to ecg machine that many wires I woz getting weary thinking is this an electric chair lol
  • Visiting times are half four till eight and on weekends n xmas, boxing days is 10 til 8:30 it’s just that got asked
  • I’m rite happy now thank u Raff Latif for coming n seeing me that’s just made my day wow I’ve never had visitors ere n it just makes it a lot easier bloody hell got tears
  • I can’t believe they av messed my medication up already just gone to get my lefexadine it woz on computer earlier now there is, no meds wot so ever down for me how incompetent r they?
  • I’ve got my card put up where I can see it what all of my new family signed thank u all

22nd December

  • Morning everyone doing great so far
  • I know I’ve got it all to come so taking advantage of being well at the minute eating loads it’s the first time in ages I’ve had three meals in 1 day I’ll put weight on in ere I know that much, they are sorting my meds out this morning I cut down to 15ml today 10ml tomorrow then 5ml day after then none Im gonna be raw as f##k lol won’t be laughing then lol
  • Just had my dinner and also cherry pie with custard I’m that stuffed gonna av an hour or two while I still can n still feel ok lol talk to ya all later, also I got chance to hospital chapel earlier got given a bible and a cross my higher power is watching over me and keeping me well and healthy peace n love to you all take care

23rd December

  • Thank u soooooo much Bradley it woz great seeing u my brother and passed on loads of time we had a rite good chat cheers mate and sending all my love out to everyone of my friends and my n.a family av a great meeting tonight, love n peace, adam
  • Just had my first lefexadine tablet I woz riding it out best a cud but I don’t need to I’ll be glad wen all the meds av stopped I can’t wait but it like that saying don’t run before ya can walk I just get to eager n wanna get things done remember adam just for today n.a has taught me soooooo much which I’m glad for I’m ready to surrender myself and start from ground n work my way up I’ve got that much to learn everything I’ve missed from age 14 to 43 wow.

24th December

  • Its late morning and I’ve slept all way through I had awesome sleep mind u that woz with meds but it worked lol I cut to 10ml today 10ml in two days wow but I start my lefexadine today
  • I’m soooooo shocked of how many people are giving me support it feels great n it’s the rite time for me as well I’ll never forget what ya all av done for me by just been there or just a few words, that can change how u feel from sad to happy n it makes a world of difference I will always be ere to give the same help and support for everyone if needed all my love peace from my heart.

This is as far as I got, but fast forward to 2020. I can tell you Adam never used the train tickets to get to Scarborough a few of his recovery Buddies Mick, Raff and Lee had offered to drive him directly to rehab in case he tried absconding or tried scoring for the last time.

Adam came out of rehab in July 2016, and whilst it hasn’t always been easy, he is still clean to this day. He went into supported accommodation when he returned to Sheffield and now has his place on the Manor. Adam had previously had periods of separation from his only daughter, Leah Jade, but since he started his recovery journey, their relationship has gone from strength to strength. He was beaming the other day about her going to university and how he couldn’t be prouder.

An ambassador for recovery he helped support Sheffield Recovery Community to help raise awareness about addiction and recovery by sharing his story (read here/what here) He’d also completed the Sheffield Ambassador scheme and volunteered for a while with Kickback Recovery before starting as a volunteer coach at De hood. Earlier this year, he helped set a new recovery support group up there.  

I know Christmas is literally around the corner but significant dates don’t count in recovery what counts is that one more day clean. I have put some links below, some sources of support, but in the meantime i just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and lets SMASH 2021.

Love Fordy x

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to and sign up for emails.

 Oh, and If you liked the post please share it on social media and with friends  – and if you didn’t like it then do nothing that’s ok too


Adams story is just one of many recovery stories, proof that we can recover – to read some more go to

If you are struggling over the festive period, please don’t suffer alone, reach out


Book & Life Update


Well, it’s been a fucking crazy year hasn’t it? who would have thought this time last year, some of us would be having to self-isolate at home and especially over Christmas. I however, have found myself embracing the change if I’m honest, COVID has provided me with some much needed ‘time to think’ and has made me realise more than I did before just what’s really important in life.

During COVID I got involved in helping to set up an online support group for families, there are a few of us, who are volunteering to help facilitate the group, being involved has helped remind me about how important it is to recognise the support needs of families and friends affected by addiction.

Best of all the time that would normally have been spent travelling into work on the bus had been replaced with writing time and with the help of the ‘Monday morning Motivation’ writing group run by Beverly Ward  and weekly coaching sessions I finally feel like I am making some progress.

I am nearly halfway through the book, it hasn’t always been easy, but I HAVE found it therapeutic, I am still amazed about how much more there is to learn about myself and how I approach life in general. The book is about two peoples journeys of addiction, mine and my Dads

I thought I would share with you the part of the story. I am at the part of the story when I am starting to really realise that Dad has got a problem with the drink and it’s the start of a journey, I never thought I would be embarking on. I wanted to pay homage in this post to all the families and friends affected by addiction and to also encourage others who find themselves in similar situations to reach out for help, I have also included a link to the video that was made. *Please note this is a draft and will go through another edit*

Continue reading “Book & Life Update”