Life after caring – The void

 

Writing is my therapy, it’s my escape, a place to think, without interruption. Particularly lately what with the incessant negative news and views about society, COVID, BLM the economy, sometimes it’s easy to forget that amongst all these issues is that there are still millions of people who are afflicted by addiction, but that doesn’t make good news does it?

I was inspired this morning, I was pulling together a recovery story from a lady called Debbie. I was reminded that amongst all the negativity that there is so much magic taking place, that often goes unseen or doesn’t make the headline news, I also wrote this… Its called the Void

The Void

There’s a void, I’m not sure how to fill it

Especially now that you are no longer in it

I have dreamt of this moment and now that it’s here

I’ve changed my mind

“Come back Dad, there’s nothing to fear”

 

I have finally been released

From fight or flight mode

You’d think I’d be relieved

But I find I’m at a new crossroad

 

I feel numb inside

There is nothing left

I need to refuel

I need to move on from your death

 

Your life has ended

But mine still goes on

I can continue to mourn

Or I can learn to move on

 

I have chosen the latter

I know that’s what you would have wanted

I wish it was that easy

There are times I still feel haunted

 

In my dreams, I tried to reach you

But you couldn’t see

Locked in your addiction

You just couldn’t find the key

 

I still bear the scars

They will never go away

But I have learned how to cope

In my own way

 

My pledge in your death

Is to continue to fight

I will continue to write

 

I will speak up for others

Including, all the mums, dads, brothers and sisters

 

The void is still there

I don’t think it will ever go away

But I now have the strength and the courage

To make it through another day

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

 

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Families & Friends of Addicts Coming Together

To stay or Walk away, that is the million-dollar question?

Families can often feel like bystanders watching in dismay as the addict’s actions and behaviours change, turning their loved ones into someone they barely recognise.

I can still hear my mother share how she felt in a film (Putting it into words) made by families sharing their experiences “I just wanted someone to come along, take her away and bring her back how she used to be”. But at that time the drugs had taken over my life and there was absolutely nothing my mother or loved ones could do. I was in complete denial about how my drug use had changed me. As far as I was concerned it was everyone and the world around me that had changed.

Years into my own recovery and without any warning I found the I was in the same position with my father that my mother had been in with me. I was that bystander, who felt powerless as alcohol had taken over his body and his mind turning him into someone I barely recognised.

Over the years I have seen families accessing support groups in search of answers or to try and work out what they can do to effect a “cure” and get their loved one back to normal. They hope for a quick fix, but sadly addiction can often be complex and hard to understand.

That’s why Family Support is vital

Families can be easily be distracted by the actions of the addict that they forget about themselves. They stop living their own lives and end up joining the addict on the merry-go-round of denial, anger, confusion, and blame.

  • Family support provides a space where families feel heard and listened to.
  • Family support can help lighten the burden of those feelings of stigma and shame that often families carry around, unseen to the trained eye.
  • Family Support offers an opportunity for families to learn and understand about addiction, which in itself is complex and cannot be taught overnight or just in a classroom.
  • Family support provides opportunities to be surrounded by others who understand, there may be similarities in the story’s shared, but everyone’s journey is unique to them.

Families should never give up hope for recovery for their loved one—for recovery can and does happen every day.  I feel privileged and proud to be a walking reminder and to be part of a movement in Sheffield (Sheffield Recovery Community) that highlights and demonstrates that there IS life after substance abuse.

But whilst they are sitting on the sidelines waiting for their loved one to embrace recovery, families need to start embracing their own needs

Family support offers an opportunity to learn more about what may be happening to the addict. It can help them to make sense of what drives and motivates addict’s behaviours and help them to develop new ways of coping, which can help reduce the feelings of helplessness.

I firmly believe that even if the families have made a choice to either stay or walk away, they still need support to come to terms with the feelings of loss and pain, they deserve to be recognised.

Families and friends of addicts used to have a voice in Sheffield. We once had a thriving community of peer-led family support groups, that eventually came together to form the Sheffield Families and Friends Alliance Group.

Unfortunately, due to funding cuts and shifting priorities the focus on families and those affected by a loved one’s addiction slowly melted away, it was like the volume had been turned down on their voices.

The more and more I write about my story, I feel the increasing need to turn the volume back up and champion the support needs of Families & Friends affected by addiction. I am proud to be part of a new support group that starts, next Wednesday, this is me doing my bit for the often unseen victims of addiction.

Love Fordy

The groups will run via Zoom every Wednesday evening from 7 pm-8 pm, starting on 17th June. If you interested in attending, want links to the meeting or would like to know more about the group, please contact Mike Dixon on 07837446951

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

 

 

 

 

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You have heard about second-hand smoking, but have you heard of second hand-drinking?

So back in the day second-hand smoking really changed public opinion and paved the way for legislation to make bars and public places smoke-free. There was some resistance, I resisted it myself particularly when us smokers weren’t allowed to smoke in say pubs or in shopping centers.

When the impact of second-hand smoke was explained, people started to make the link that someone else’s smoking was the reason for their asthma attacks, respiratory infections, ear infections, heart disease, or lung cancer. 

 As this understanding grew, more people gained the information and the confidence they needed to take a stand against a person’s cigarette smoke. The awareness enabled people to think about doing what they needed to do to protect and repair their own health, regardless of whether the smoker stopped smoking.

So, let’s apply the second-hand smoking analogy to drinking

From personal experience one of the major second-hand impact of dads drinking for me was

Living in constant fight-or-flight stress response, which was repeatedly triggered, never knowing whether I would find dad dead, or injured as a consequence of falls.

Or all the arguments with other family members and friends about dad’s alcohol consumption and his behaviour and my inability to walk away.

The emotional abuse caused by his manipulative behaviour, like the time he told me he had cancer by way of justifying his drinking, which was a lie.

Or trying to manage his mental health, such as dealing with late-night calls that he was going to kill himself.

Feeling constantly defeated and exhausted by dad’s inability to see how he was slowly killing himself and having to stand by and watch him commit slow suicide.

15 years on, I have come along way, I have been able to heal from a lot of the consequences of second-hand drinking. Some people might say OR think “trace its time to move on” but I can’t, I feel so passionately for those who are still suffering in silence and who are often overlooked because all the attention is focused on the addict.

I feel grateful that there is more and more research being done into second-hand drinking and the effects. A study in 2015 found that an estimated 53 million adults — or nearly 1 in 5 — said they had experienced at least one harm attributable to someone else’s drinking in the past year. NOW that’s a lot of people!

It’s a relief to hear researches are starting to recognise what I and others affected by a loved one’s addiction have been saying for years.

So when I hear quotes from the likes of Sir Ian Gilmore, the chair of the Alcohol Health Alliance and the director of the Liverpool Centre for Alcohol Research, saying “There is undoubtedly harm from second-hand smoke, but the range and magnitude of harms are likely to be even greater from alcohol.” I finally feel heard.

So to summarise – Second-hand drinking can be defined as the negative effects people experience by being around those who drink alcohol excessively.

And just like second-hand smoking were people were able to think about doing what they needed to do to protect and repair their own health, regardless of whether the smoker stopped smoking. If you are a family member or friend and you believe you are affected by second-hand drinking you too can take steps to repair your own health regardless of whether the drinker stops drinking.

Based on my own personal experience there are a number of things I would advise you to do  

Seek out support there are so many sources of support available, mainly online and telephone at the moment due to COVID

Family & Friends Recovery – Sheffield  

Sheffield Recovery Community 

Al-Anon 

Talk and talk some more, start working on accepting that you ARE affected by second-hand drinking and that second-hand drinking is an actual thing.

Educate yourself, even since dad passed, I have continued to educate myself and others about the often-unseen impact addiction has not just on the addict, but the impact on their loved ones. Adfam is a good source 

There are some GREAT books out there such as

If you loved me you would stop

Codependent no more

Work on your boundaries, and when I say boundaries, I’m not just referring to physical boundaries, there are material, emotional, mental, spiritual boundaries

And on a final note, If you are a dependant drinker and you think that your drinking is just harming you, then I would say to you…

“Think again”

Remember, try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

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Writing for Therapy

Over the years, whilst working with addicts and their families I have often promoted and advocated the value of being able to help offload mindless thoughts that have plagued people’s minds, especially when their thoughts have started to cloud their judgments.

Writing is recognised as being an integral part of therapy, we would encourage the use of thought record sheets and mood or activity diaries. These are particularly good for helping people to self-identify triggers that might be causing negative behaviours that they were looking to change.

In addiction ‘getting our thoughts onto paper and out of our head’ can allow us to be able to see things from another perspective, but it doesn’t just help with Addiction, it can serve to help anyone regardless of their personal circumstances.

Also, writing doesn’t have to be about just negative stuff either, some people find it helpful, (myself included) when they’re feeling well, when they are in a good place and able to cope with daily life, to write a letter to themselves sharing and capturing any personal achievements. And as well as being positively affirming, the same notes can also be used to refer back to when you are not feeling so good or are struggling to cope.

It is like the stable and strong you, writes a letter to the more vulnerable you and reminding you that you are stronger than what you think.

Writing can also help when dealing with others who might be causing you distress, it might be to those who are no longer here or those who are. Writing a letter to then can allow you to voice your true feelings and tell them how they really made you feel, especially if you feel unable to tell that same person face to face.

Some people find it helpful to burn the letter, watching the smoke rise up, particularly if the person has died or just imagine the letter arriving at its destination to the person in questions and seeing the reaction you want them to have or maybe it’s enough just to have written it.

You don’t have to keep a daily journal either, you can do more spontaneous writing, or a ‘Mind Dump’ as I prefer to call it, just writing down whatever comes into your heads, perhaps for a certain period of time – 10 minutes or half an hour. It may read like nonsense, and that’s okay. That’s how our minds work.

By just writing down all the random, feelings or thoughts even if it seems apparently nonsensical just write anything that comes to mind. Once finished you might find that there is something that’s worth spending more time thinking about, or you might decide that it’s okay to just leave it there, on the paper.

Again, you can choose what you then do with the paper – you can either keep or destroy it, I chose to save it, on my computer of course and at the last count my personal journal contained over 114,850 words!

How you write isn’t important either, your use of grammar doesn’t matter, I can attest to this after being expelled on numerous occasions from school, being in the bottom class for every lesson, I would sometimes re-read back what I had written and scorn myself for poor spelling or for talking utter shit. In fact, had I not had the help and guidance from a close friend who was more academically inclined than me, who helped edit my uni assignments I wouldn’t now be the proud owner of a degree.

Over the years, I have started to care less about ‘how’ I write, focusing more on ‘what’ I’m writing. So much so I decided to bite the bullet and go public, to create my own space, my own blog a platform where my writing, my thoughts, feelings, and opinions could be heard and thanks to the help of spell checking and apps such as Grammarly, I can tend to string a sentence together without the grammar police turning up to arrest me.

I started journaling again two years ago I turned one of the kid’s old bedrooms into a makeshift writing space, which gives me some respite from the external world and everyday struggles. I have been known to occasionally refuse the offer of going somewhere preferring to spend time alone writing. At first some people, the ones closest to me thought the act of sitting alone writing was antisocial and questioned how could writing possibly help me?

Which brings me to this fucking book.

During dad’s active addiction, I turned to writing, there was many a night I found myself unable to sleep, being kept awake worrying and stressing if he’d be dead by the following morning. I found that the only way I could find sleep was if I offloaded everything I was thinking and feeling and ‘mind dumping’ it onto paper. When dad died, I no longer felt the need to write, my sleep returned life slipped back to normal, whatever the fuck normal means!

Over the past two years in addition to the journal and after taking some advice from friends who are ‘accomplished writers’ I started to chronicle my life story, starting with my earliest memories. I had managed to write over 18 chapters, containing over 40,435 words.

I have always felt the urge to write a book, especially about my own personal journey of addiction, but also the journey I took with my dad and his alcoholism. Unfortunately for dad he pushed his addiction to the furthest any addict could result in him developing end-stage alcoholism, which basically means there is a 0% chance of him ever fully recovering or reversing from the physical damage caused to his body.

After fifteen years since dad passed and I have piles of A4 notes containing the ramblings of a mad women. and since restarting journaling I have taken a giant leap and enlisted the help of a local author and writing coach, ‘I might be successful in many areas of my life but pulling together a book isn’t in my repertoire or skill set’.

Writing for oneself is one thing but I am found writing for others quite challenging. One of the main obstacles has been overcoming the personal barriers of self-doubt and fear are something quite different and this is turning out to be a labor of love and hate at times.

People have often asked me ‘doesn’t it get you down reflecting on the past?’ but my answer is always the same ‘no’ because I actually find it all very therapeutic and if I can translate my personal experience and help even just one person then this labor of love will all be worth it.

Its early days and with the help of my coach I have finally found a structure for the book, a way of telling ‘my’ story, I have found a way to share dad’s story and the horrors he and those around him endured as a result of his alcoholism.

If you are feeling in a dark place and want to explore ways to help yourself, then I would highly recommend taking pen to paper.

I would recommend the following sites as a starting point and if you do start to write I would be interested in how it has or hasn’t helped you, Ps thanks for listening.

Love Fordy

Writing as therapy

Compassionate kit bag

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are, be proud of your recovery and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too 

 

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Social distancing could be a recipe for relapse – But it doesn’t have to be

A lot of people’s recoveries from drug or alcohol addiction have relied on routine, being able to mix, socialise, share common experiences, talk through personal challenges. Support groups which were once a safe space to offload have been replaced with isolation and the physical distancing can pose a threat to people, particularly those in early recovery and who are still working on understanding their own personal triggers and cravings and developing coping strategies to manage them.

Whilst social connection is a valuable part of recovery, let’s not forget that fundamentally our recovery journey starts with ourselves, learning new ways to understand and cope with our own

Thoughts

Feelings

Emotions

Actions or Reactions

Making healthy choices

Finding new distractions

YES, support groups are a great space to hear similar stories, to be able to relate to other people’s experiences and stories can offer comfort knowing that you are not alone, not abnormal, that what you are experiencing is perfectly normal, support groups are helpful, vital in some cases.

But a lack of human connection doesn’t have to be a reason to lapse back into unhealthy behaviours. You know those same old unhealthy behaviours that brought us into recovery in the first place, the same behaviours that we know don’t serve us, that we know deep down are only temporary fixes and not solutions to deeper problems.

Whilst in isolation you can STILL be working on your recovery

Writing down a plan which will help support you and prepare for tough times should you hit bumps can be really helpful

List your top reasons which I choose to be clean today 

Things I can do to stay clean – distractions such as reading, putting on some music that lifts your spirit

These are actions I can take if and when I have cravings: (examples: call a friend, eating if hungry, going an online meeting, reading recovery material, reminding myself that cravings can be intense but pass, or thinking of the consequences of using)

My Triggers or Early Warning Signs – Things I need to look out for include: (examples could be, cravings, changes in attitude towards recovery, or behaviors)

Create a contact list of names and numbers of people I can call who support my recovery AND USE THEM if you need too.

Pretty much everyone has access to technology (if you don’t please get in touch, our providers have been working hard to try and resolve this), people are staying connected via WhatsApp groups, telephone calls, text messages, FB group chat, and the NEW Zoom meetings, that can be found on Sheffield Recovery Community Facebook page.

Our Sheffield local providers have been reaching out to clients by telephone offering welfare checks making sure that those who are on prescribed medication to ensure that they can still get scripts, or if self-isolating making sure scripts are being delivered to the door.

And many of the local face to face support groups have now gone online, offering a chance to connect with peers and familiar faces from their usual support groups Find out more

Listen, this COVID isn’t going to be around forever and our addictions don’t need to either.  Please rest assured our communities WILL go back to some sort of normality soon.

This too will pass

But you DO have a choice you can either go back to using/drinking and wait for the COVID shit storm to pass then resume your recovery OR you can continue to utilise the alternative sources of support that are still available – But remember the most important source of support you have is yourself.

Recovery IS still there and like before our recovery only works if WE/ YOU are willing to reach out.

If you want you can subscribe to  any of my new blogs by emailing me at

Tracey@shithappens.me.uk

 

In the meantime, stay safe

 

Love Fordy x

 

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Our emotions are not threats but informants.

 

In a world that does not teach us how to adequately process our feelings is it any wonder we learn to create our own coping mechanisms. We rely upon and take our learning from others, who have learned from others before them. Some people live a lifetime without ever knowing what they really feel, acting out by way of expressing themselves or using words by way of trying to describe how they are feeling.

Our emotions are an essential part of who we are, but they can be messy, complicated, and downright confusing, is it any wonder people run away from them, block them out, lash out at the ones they love, or the people that are trying to help them?

My belief is if you are not in touch with your feelings, or don’t know what and how you are feeling how the fuck are you supposed to deal with them? It’s like driving a car without a steering wheel – You are not in control.

In my early years, actually up until early adulthood, because I didn’t know what I was feeling I would seek validation about how I felt from “others” If I didn’t get it only served to reinforce the thoughts and doubts that I wasn’t important and thought nobody cared. I walked around with a chip on my shoulder and angry at the world, I often felt I hadn’t been seen, heard and misunderstood!

A Quest for validation

I was on a never-ending quest to try and get others to make me feel better about myself and allow them to be responsible for my feelings.  But it never worked. I never really got what I needed. I just looked like I was being dramatic, always negative, focusing disproportionately on what was really going on. The validation for my feelings that I sought from others just looked like attention-seeking, always fishing for compliments (I think this is why now, I struggle with accepting compliments, it takes me back to a time when I thrived on them, depended on them to sustain my self-esteem)

The truth is that the more I sought validation about my feelings from others, the more disconnected I became from myself, I had jack shit self-esteem. I used to think my feelings didn’t matter, feelings were a dirty word, talking about feelings was an act of weakness an inconvenience. I became an expert, was able to push them to one side, until years later I found that using drugs was more effective, they stopped me from feeling altogether. They helped me not to give a flying fuck about myself and anyone around me, they worked for a while. But it was all fake!

A large part of my recovery and about the person who I am today has been about learning to reconnect with myself and learning to validate my feelings as opposed to seeking validation from others. Personal inquiry, or like I prefer to call it #Havingawordwithysen is not just essential for someone in recovery, it is essential for everyone.

Our feelings are a core part of who we are, but if we ignore them, don’t take notice, acknowledged or validated them we can start to question ourselves, doubt ourselves. And here is the dangerous part we can start seeking validation from others again.

“Christ some of the people I sought validation from were as fucked up as me for crying out loud!”

There are occasions when I don’t make time for me sen and slip back into old behaviours. The past few weeks have been no exception, I noticed the same familiar negative validation pattern return, what with all the uncertainly in the current climate has unsettled me. I have found myself getting frustrated and haven’t felt able to find a healthy, balance, resolution or outlet for my anger, I have let it fester resulting in me self-imploding on more than one occasion.

I can see it in my behaviour and how I have been reacting of late, being needy, overworking, seeking perfection, I have lost the desire to write, the creativity, the spark I had only a few weeks ago seems to have slowly died. I know that deep down that seeking external validation never fixes the problem; I am still left never feeling good enough. And I know that deep down, I will only feel better when I start validating myself again.

Amid fucking COVID 19 I had let go of the steering wheel and felt out of control so for the past few mornings before work demands start, I have forced myself to have some time out, #Haveawordwimesen I have ignored many calls, private messages (sorry I will get back to you) but I have been busy trying to turn my attention back onto myself.  Now I have found it and have a better idea of what direction I am going in, whilst I do not yet know the final destination, I am in a better place to know where ever it is, it will be ok because I’m ok I will be ok.

Time 

I hear a lot of people complaining that they have far too much time on their hands, can’t go outside, cant see friends or loved ones when they could be using this valuable time to go visit themselves, #Haveaword just saying…

So use this time wisely and make some time for some self-inquiry and remember the only person who can validate how you are feeling is yourself, so if you have been feeling shit of late, stressed just take a little time out of your day for YOU

Self-inquiry isn’t always easy, it takes practice, but it is possible 

  • Remind yourself that it is human to feel things that we don’t always understand, but it is important, and we can help ourselves by taking the time to explore what it is you are feeling, “Validating your feelings” sounds like a big term, but it really means one thing: Letting yourself feel.
  • Remind yourself its ok to feel aggrieved and pissed off and irrationally mad – it is our emotions at play, acknowledge them, ride them out, they will pass.
  • This can look like taking a few minutes to journal each day, spending time by yourself where you can simply experience how you feel—without judgment and without trying to change anything.
  • Often once we acknowledge an emotion, it will often go away on its own. If there is no course of action, there will be other times where our feelings can linger for longer.
  • Our emotions are not threats but informants. They show us and remind us what we care about and what we want to protect. Only by validating ourselves can we become stronger.

So the next time the shit hits the pan! Try taking a deep breath, take some time out and #Haveawordwithyse

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe AND more importantly Stay Sane 

 

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#ShitDIDHappen

A few weeks ago, there was a lot of uncertainly, the news about COVID19 was starting to get more and more serious. Looking back, I think many of us (myself included, I wrote about it) were in a state of denial. But as the worst-case scenarios were becoming a reality and if we (front line staff) thought we were under pressure before we are all certainly now, no fucker was immune, we are ALL having to adapt to conditions of crisis

My last day in the office comprised of being as productive and practical as I could, dealing with ongoing work and sorting an alternative/temp email address and gathering as many of my contacts as I could before saying goodbye to my desk for god knows how long…

The thought of working from home would have been bliss a few weeks ago, but truth be told now I have been forced to do it, I have found it even harder than I ever anticipated. 

I was fortunate I already had a space to work from at home, my own laptop, desk which was reserved for me, it was a sanctuary, my quiet place, a place to write. I hadn’t given using this space as an office a second thought, until a couple of days in, working from home until I realised that what was once my safe space had become a place of stress.

I had turned my place of sanctuary from a space where I could think freely, write freely to a fucking war zone, franticly firing out emails one after the other and waiting anxiously for a reply. 

Christ, it’s been fucking hard– now don’t get me wrong I’m feeling a whole lot better. I can spout tips about self-care to others, but I have had to seriously apply some of my own advice to myself over the past two weeks. The self-imposed pressure has laid heavily on my chest, at times I have felt unable to breathe, my mind was and still is running at one hundred miles an hour trying to figure out the best way to be productive, helpful when at the same time feeling fucking powerless.

Torn not being able to offer my face to face skills and experience to other colleagues on the front line to offer some respite who desperately deserve it has been heart-breaking. Truth be told I didn’t realise just how much I depended on connecting with others face to face.

The only saving grace has been purchasing ZOOM which provided some virtual contact and connection with others some sort of normalcy in a world of insanity.

I have found myself working some unhealthy hours and have struggled to stay away from the computer, which for me has become my only source/conduit to continue to help and communicate with the outside world. 

I would love to be on the front line, physically helping, but I can’t, so I am finding myself constantly looking for other ways to try and be useful – this is hard. I’m missing the challenging face to face meetings, the office banter, craving for a sense of life as it was before.

And I know that for many of my colleagues the challenges are even harder, having to care for kids, loved ones self-isolating and looking after the family – I class myself lucky.

The reality is whether people accept it or not is that the legacy of this pandemic will live with us for years, perhaps decades to come. It will change the way we move, build, learn, and connect – fuck it already has!

Aisha S. Ahmad an expert in global crisis recently explained that “No sane person feels good during a global disaster, so be grateful for the discomfort of your sanity”. Well, I for one am trying to go with the flow of this discomfort, ride the way as they say until the storm dies down, whenever that will be. I’ve heard talk about things going back to normal, but things will never go back to exactly as they were before, there will be some similarities, but it will never go back to the way life was before.

One week in working from home, I am slowly learning to adapt, after many futile conversations and arguments with negative Nancy, I have finally (I think) started to come to terms with the fact that this is how things are going to be for a while and I’m going to have to stop feeling fucking sorry for myself. 

I find myself always looking for positives out of negatives and in all this insanity there have been many.  

I have shared my vulnerability with others and learned that I am not alone, that I am not the only one who feels like they are losing it! 

I have never been afraid to take a risk, try something new, this crisis is the perfect breeding ground for working differently and the opportunity to try something new, think differently. 

After hearing of so many deaths of late I class myself extremely fortunate that I haven’t lost touch with loved ones forever, I might not be able to hug them or kiss them, but I am I can facetime them, see their faces I can still be there for them emotionally.

Christ, I am actually saving money! the gym membership has been canceled, I am now working out from home taking advantage of the free HIIT sessions widely available, I have walked around my neighbourhood and walked paths I never knew existed. 

But the best positive I can take away from this whole disaster is a stark reminder that its ok to not be ok! I am not the only person freaking out!

I am going to just have to get my head around it, I will need plenty of #Havingawordwimisen sessions (we all are) – but I also know that won’t readjust overnight and that it is going to take time – something I have shit loads of at the present moment, I am just re-evaluating how I spend and use it not just for work but for myself and my own personal self-esteem. 

Fuck me “What I wouldn’t do to be able to go back to work, to log onto my computer right now…”

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe AND more importantly Stay Sane 

 

Love Fordy

 

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Fear on the unknown and our thought’s can spread faster than any virus

There is no denying these are scary times and with so much doom and gloom we face pretty much no one is immune to the sense of fear that has enveloped and wrapped our society as we once knew it! I cannot deny it myself for the past few days I have questioned my mental health, I haven’t felt the anxiety-like this for a long time. Surrounded by my colleagues and friends in permanent reactive mode fighting the unknown, the future has felt very uncertain at times.

Most of the things people are currently questioning I have questioned before in my recovery journey. So here’s me, giving me head a wobble and having a word wi mesen,

Habit – We are creatures of habit, many of us don’t like change and feel that we are being asked or forced to change and some habits re harder to change than others.

Isolation – We thrive on human connection but we are being asked to isolate, there are many reasons that people are fearful of isolation, isolation implies we have to stop doing something but in my early recovery this was essential in order for me to flourish.

Isolation has implications for many in a very practical sense too…

  • Lack of contact with loved ones – in some cases this is life or death
  • being forced to spend time with people we fear  
  • Families are having to reevaluate how they spend more time with their kids 
  • The restricted activity can leave people feeling like they no purpose 
  • The fragile economy – impounded by images of businesses closing
  • Empty shop shelves 

But what is as dangerous as the virus, is that many of us as a society regardless of your ages, health status, wealth, or lack of it is that many of us are being forced to have a re-think. There are many similarities when we think about addiction. The difference is we are being forced into a period of self-reflection, and trust me, there are a lot of people out there who are afraid to think for themselves or who have lost the ability too because it has been so much easier to allow others to do their thinking for them. 

People are having to re-evaluate, consider change, adapt, think of better coping strategies, second guess the difference between right or wrong, questioning themselves, questioning others? they’re motives or lack of – There are many similarities when we think about recovery!

This is also the perfect breeding ground for people to deflect and blame others to protect and shield them from what’s going on for them. I do worry for the vulnerable, people on the streets whose only source of human contact is from strangers and fellow mates on the streets. Or for those natural-born carers forced to switch the attention on themselves before others, this can feel alien for many who thrive on helping others or feel they have lost what once distracted them from themselves. – There are many similarities when we think about codependency! 

But there ARE opportunities and some positives that we can reflect on during the time of uncertainly 

We can treat isolation as an opportunity to reflect on ourselves, evaluate our priorities (i mean having the latest iPhone or flash care won’t protect you from the fucking virus) Its an opportunity to reflect on the things that many of us took for granted, simple things like buying bog roll from the shop for crying out loud!

Neighbours don’t have to be strangers there is an opportunity to learn more about your local community and who lives in it.  Speaking to people we might normally ignore because of our previous preconceptions = Reducing stigma 

Even in isolation, we can still communicate, in fact we have more time to make that call that we have been meaning to make for ages, to check on friends and family – We can still reach out.

There are opportunities to work smarter (I believe that this IS a positive, with cancelled meetings, priorities have changed, it has helped some colleagues refocus on the needs of the clients before policies and procedures). 

Amongst all the negative press on TV and social media, in particular, there has been a surge in compassion and willingness to help out strangers, a real sense of camaraderie and willingness to work together like never before. There is an opportunity to form some new habits, healthier ones. – We can search out the positive news stories – be inspired.

We have to start learning to accept that regardless of status or power, no fucker ever gets it right, there will be many unforeseen casualties from the current crisis, but it is also an opportunity to make a difference.

I truly believe that everything happens for a reason, even when life gets shit and feels dire we can always take some positives out of any situation. This is our opportunity as a society to think differently, act and behave more compassionately with each other. 

At some point life will settle back to some sort of normality, there will be scars and casualties that we will all be able to reflect and dwell on, but what will we have learned? 

Shit Happens that’s a fact of life, our societies have experienced far worse and survived the key is how we respond to the challenges is what’s going to make a difference, learning to channel our concerns into actions to protect ourselves, our loved ones and our communities.

Spreading fear and scaremongering doesn’t help anyone we have to try our best to focus on the positives, so on that note what positives can you take from this difficult time?

Keep Calm, Look after yourselves, look out for others

Much Love Fordy xxx

PS I have provided some helpful links below from the World Health Organisation 

Myth Busters

Frequently asked questions

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too – Keep Safe 

 

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Negotiating Boundaries in Recovery

 

I used to be afraid of setting boundaries, mainly out of fear, but mostly because I was out of practice, or did I ever practice even? I was fearful of hurting, upsetting, disappointing, worried I would come across as being selfish, you name it the list goes on and on.

I did have boundaries but they were in my head or heart, invisible to others because I didn’t let people know what they were. I found myself doing things I don’t want to do, or not saying what I wanted to say. Then I would get resentful and angry at the other person when in all fairness it was my fault, I was allowing myself to be used and hurt, eventually keeping everyone out.

I was essentially just people-pleasing consistently putting other people’s needs before my own, which only contributed to damaging my self-esteem and recovery in the longer run. 

I am fortunate that boundaries are not required in a lot of my relationships nowadays, I am respected and my needs are met, the word boundaries goes unspoken, I don’t need to explain my expectations or ask to asked how I want to be treated. But I have still have relationships where my boundaries are currently to the limit

For me, there are four key boundaries, that I keep in check 

Time – Making time for me and having it

People  – I am clear about the kinda people I want in my life and the ones I don’t

Emotional – having strategies in place that protect my feelings 

Drama – I decided what drama I will engage in and what I won’t 

I know life would be so much easier if people could assume and know what our boundaries were, but people are not mind readers, I know It feels shit and that some boundaries are harder to implement and stick to more than others, but if you are searching for some peace and want to nourish your self-esteem, YOUR recovery you will have to.

So how do you identify your boundaries?

I always advise someone who needs to establish some boundaries, to first negotiate with themselves, asking 5 simple questions, 

  1. What do I want? 
  2. What I can do
  3. What I can’t I do
  4. What I will do
  5. What I won’t do

Answer these questions and will have a clearer idea of what boundaries you will need to set if you are clear about the above answers. 

The next step is communicating it – now this can be the hard part, but you need to remember that our lives are a series of negotiations and we were given a voice for a reason, but to enforce our boundaries we have to voice them.

The truth is that some people won’t like your boundaries (especially if you’ve let them walk all over you in the past). However, many people in your life will adjust to your new boundaries. Some may initially be confused by your new-found assertiveness. Or they may not take it seriously and assume you’ll back down and go back to your old ways if they resit.  Remember this understandable, especially if you haven’t enforced your boundaries in the past. 

Some times I can feel like things get worse before they get better. But most people will adjust to your boundaries and learn to respect them. Some, of course, will continue to resist. It is at this point you have to decide whether or not you will continue to have that person in your life and say GOODBYE 

On a final note 

The boundaries you need to set are unique to you, sadly there are no rule books, so you will need to identify your specific boundaries, (talk to a trusted friend) practice asserting yourself, learn to continuously refine and update your boundaries as your needs and relationships change.

 

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

 

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How do you protect your kids from their dad?

I left my partner over 25 years ago, but he is still there, I am still tethered by him through my kids. After years of manipulation, possessiveness, emotional blackmail, it took me years to heal from the emotionally abusive relationship, to psychologically heal. Whilst I have healed and moved on years later, I find I am going through it all again, but this time through my adult children and I simply do not know what to do.

I had tried to leave him a couple of times before, but I wasn’t psychologically strong enough, the manipulation, the emotional blackmail, financial abuse, using my kids as pawns a bargaining tool, the brainwashing “I wouldn’t be nothing without him” just reinforced the self-doubt that had weaved and gripped me. It was like being gagged, I couldn’t see or feel the ropes, but they were there all the time, getting tighter and tighter, suffocating all my self worth, so I would go back to him, like a scorned puppy with my tail between my legs, just reinforcing his ego that he was right all along.

He was a great showman, a master of manipulation, to the outside world he played the role as a perfect stay at home father, he didn’t go out with the lads he was an all-rounded family man. What people didn’t see was his self-obsession, sense of entitlement, he showed no concern for others ( if he did it was for show) deep down all he ever cared about was his feelings and opinions.

He was perfect he never did anything wrong, he would always find a way to justify his behaviour and actions. He would compare his childhood or lack of it, to mine, justifying his insecurities, I would feel sorry for him and try and overcompensate for the life he felt he should have had, again the sense of entitlement was always overwhelming, he could never relate or put himself in anyone else’s shoes because he would be more worried about what their shoes looked like.

He would always be well presented, his hair was never overgrown or out of place, he insisted on wearing the best clothes, even when we couldn’t afford them, his clothes were a form of armor a way of deflecting his imperfections from the outside world.

If I ever got close to exposing him, or if he was feeling vulnerable he would smooch me with lines such as “you are all I have got” or even turn on the tears for double effect, managing to turn the sense of blame and shame on me! I simply cannot count the number of times he was able to do that? He’s was a great actor, he still is

I would have given him a Grammy award or hit him with the fucker! – for playing the role of victim, he was that good.

But in the eyes of everyone else, the law, he hadn’t harmed his kids, well not physically, it would have made things so much easier if I had cut all ties with him, including him seeing the kids, but in the eyes of the law, etc… he still had rights. Even when he was arrested and sentenced for dealing drugs he would still use the kids as a weapon a pawn in his attempt to win me back or feel like he still had a stake or say in my life.

In the early days, I would take the kids on visits, not for him, but for them, after all, they missed their dad. But he was never really interested in the kids the questions or enquires would always be about me, in the end, I had to cut off the visits and get someone else to take them. I couldn’t do it, I had moved on from his control and I simply couldn’t sit opposite a man that had emotionally abuse and used me for his self-gratification, not even for the sake of the kids.

Upon release, he would demand access to see the kids, but if he ever thought that I would be benefiting, let us say going out or doing something that I couldn’t have done without him minding the kids, he would come up with some excuse and let them down, he could never see that they only person he was hurting was the kids, it wasn’t me.

He never contributed financially awards he kids upbringing thinking or using the excuse that the money would be spent selfishly on me and not the kids. He could never see that after being the only breadwinner in the relationship, that I had learned how to be financially resourceful and that I had never needed him for his money.

I have always known deep down that he would hurt the kids emotionally, that he would play the same manipulation game through them and I couldn’t do a fucking anything about it! and now it’s happening, I feel powerless. As a parent, it is our instinct to protect our kids, but in this case, it is their own fucking dad!

I can get mad at myself knowing I allowed him to have contact with the kids when we separated, but I also know had I refused contact, all this would have done is give him the platform he needed to play the victim role, his favorite position. And he would never have let that happen, those kids were his birthright, his entitlement and deep down he knew there wasn’t a fucking dam thing I could do about it. It is my duty as a parent to protect my kids, I feel the guilt from knowing that It was me that has put them in this position, I couldn’t live with his manipulative behaviour, but my children now carry the burden that I was once able to escape.

People saw the signs, warned me about him, but I had to work him out for myself. I can now see him for what and who he truly is, he has a fragile ego, and brittle self-esteem, the person who portrays himself as having a strong psychological constitution is a very weak man.

I no longer feel or carry the blame for who he is. I used to think I could help him escape or see the light, get him to see sense, but I was never able to achieve that, and neither have the string of women he has latched onto over the years managed to achieve it neither.

His sense of reality is so distorted and ingrained that I know deep down he will never change, all the attempts made by many of the years, haven’t worked. I know my kids think that, well should I say hope that he will change, I see them try and I also see them fail and it is heartbreaking.

All I can do is be there for my kids, even though it never feels enough, all I can do is

  • Help them understand that they are not to blame for his behaviour or who he is
  • That they are not responsible for a 51-year-old man’s feelings
  • They are not responsible or to blame for his failed relationship
  • They are not responsible for his failed health
  • That they have nothing to be sorry for
  • That they have nothing to feel guilty about
  • That they have a right to live their own lives
  • That I am very proud of the women that they have become
  • That they are entitled to make their own mistakes and learn from them
  • Remind them that they are stronger than they think, they take after their mom
    That I will always be there to listen
  • I will always support them and help them work out what’s best for them
  • I will remind them that I don’t want anything in return except for their happiness
  • But most of all, remind them that it is ok to say NO

All I can do is say sorry and be there for them

Try not to be afraid of who you truly are and remember, if you would like to subscribe to more posts, please go to https://www.shithappens.me.uk/contact/ and sign up, If you liked the post please share, if you don’t then do nothing and that’s ok too.

 

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